This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 12 June 2018

Spice up your life with Martinex!

Thinking of organizing a religious event - it could be a baptism, a wedding, even a funeral? Want to make it go with a bang? Then what you need is Martinex! It comes in handy rainbow-patterned bottles.

Cupich and Martin

Martinex - as recommended by Cardinals!

B.C. of Chicago explains. "I was just an ordinary second-rate cardinal, rather hazy about Catholic doctrines, and not really accepted in left-wing circles. But then I discovered Martinex, and suddenly my cathedral was full of adoring acolytes, while the street outside was full of angry Catholics! Now, I am strongly tipped to be the next Pope!"

World Meeting of Families

Liven up your family with Martinex!

Archbishop D.M. of Dublin is equally enthusiastic. "I was just a spineless nobody who managed to present such a feeble case against abortion that we lost the referendum, in spite of 70% of Ireland claiming to be religious. How could I stop people from mistaking me for a cardboard cutout? The answer was clear - serve bottles of Martinex at my World Meeting of Families! After all, for children of all ages, building bridges is more interesting than dolls and toy trains. Now, everyone is talking about us!"


"Don't use Martinex - it's toxic!"

But not everyone sees Martinex as the way forward for the Catholic Church. Says Cardinal R.S. of Guinea. "Scientific tests have shown that Martinex rots your soul and leads you to eternal damnation. It even says so on the bottom of the bottle in small letters. What's more, when I become Pope I'm going to burn that little squirt at the stake."

So there we are. You decide whether it's worth the risk!


  1. This article has ruined my plans for the summer holiday. I'd already booked my berth in a luminous coracle (it's been moored in the waters around Sellafield for too long) and was all set for the 16 hour row across to the capital of Teddy Bear Island. I'll admit I wasn't really interested in what Cardinal Tangle or Cardinal Cupid would have had to say but I did have my heart set on getting a selfie with Pope Likenoother. But if the organising committee have now decided to pump Martinex through the aircon at all the venues, then include me out. That stuff is toxic. I may just have to wait now until the DUP Conference in the autumn although a selfie with Arlene Foster won't have quite the same sell-on value at my local FrancisChurch.

  2. We can only pray.
    Those of us who consider prayer worthwhile, at any rate.
    Maybe I should bring that question up with my parish priest?