This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday 18 June 2018

Pope Francis changes his medication

After several years of dosing himself on CUPICHON, MARTINEX, SPADARINE, COCA-PALMERIOL, and similar poisons, which have led the Holy Father to express some distinctly dubious views on pro-life issues, homosexuality, and the like, Pope Francis has received a new prescription from his doctor, including wonder drugs such as BURKEMIN, SARAHOL, and SCHNEIDERONE.

Francis, a new man

"I feel like a new man!" says Francis.

The results have been startling. Pope Francis has spoken out against "gay" parenting ("ungodly") and abortion ("like Nazi eugenics"). Only a few weeks too late to save Ireland and Argentina, but credit where it's due.

This could be a turning point for the Catholic Church. Will Emma Bonino be crossed off Francis's Christmas card list? Will Fr James Martin SJ be summoned to Rome for a good thrashing (no, he'd probably enjoy it)? Will Scalfari be given the boot? Will the Dubia finally be answered? Could climate change, liberation theology, and similar issues be replaced by a new emphasis on Catholic teaching?

Francis, grumpy

"We think it was the SPADARINE that made him shout at everybody."

Of course there are other wonder drugs on the market that Pope Francis may wish to try. He should avoid DOLANINE, which makes the patient spend all his time laughing crazily; also, TOBINOL comes in two varieties, one of which is beneficial, while the other leads to strange behaviour late at night; then, tincture of ROSICA leads to aggression and paranoia; finally, swallowing ZUHLSDORFIA leads to distinctly eccentric behaviour, but is basically sound...

Dolan laughing

The dreadful affects of DOLANINE. (H/T someone, not sure who.)

Good luck, Holy Father!

8 comments:

  1. I've been on POPEINIX for a few years and my attitude has greatly improved.

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  2. Nice example of a bad dose of DOLANINE. The Surgeon General also lists a side effect of Cheesehead breaking out.
    http://forchrist-contramundum.blogspot.com/2009/04/cheesehead-bishop-timothy-dolan-to.html

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  3. And for those severe Catholicism deficiencies, take Xtra Strength Catholovere (noliessestultus) with plenty of holy water. Your flock will love you for it.

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  4. So that's what was going on all this time...

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  5. Best to just send the whole lot of them a good stack of Eccles Cakes and they might all be exorcised..... At the very least, it should stop them all talking and laughing like hyenas for a while.

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  6. Whilst it's welcome news that Francis has at last rejected these drugs (can we be sure that all Vatican stocks been safely disposed of, by the way, and under the close supervision of at least two DEA reps?) it's surely vital that he is taken off warfarin. That's the only way to put the lid on his seemingly inexhaustible stream of consciousness.

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  7. Or replace all the above with a daily dram of - Benedictine! Works wonders!

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