This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday, 9 August 2018

Why can't Christians be more like Muslims?

Christian leaders have united in a joint effort to make Christianity a protected religion like Islam, marathon-running, cycling, and homosexuality. Pray outsider an abortion-clinic, and you will be screamed at by Rupa Huq and possibly arrested by the police; wear a crucifix at work, and you may be sacked (even if you're a priest).

London Marathon

A new look for the annual pilgrimage to Chartres.

On the other hand, if you wish to dress your wife like a letter box (© Boris Johnson), insist that your meat is produced from animals killed as painfully as possible, and jump out at people shouting "Allahu Akbar", then woe betide anyone who criticises you; if you wish to dress indecently and parade through the streets, making lewd suggestions at passers-by, then the police will probably join in (or if you wish to pretend you are a member of the opposite sex, then nobody may dispute this); and if you want to take place in a marathon race or a cycle ride, the streets will be closed for you, and non-worshippers told to stay at home. Words such as Islamophobia, homophobia, transphobia, marathonophobia and cyclophobia are bandied around as a way of stopping debate.

pillar box

One of the Little Sisters of the Post models her new habit.

So from now, Christians will be behaving more like Muslims and the other protected groups. Expect Christians to jump out at you with knives crying "Shine, Jesus, Shine!" (for the Catholics, Pope Francis has agreed to make a little update to the Catechism permitting this). Some religious denominations will take part in "Christian Pride", dressing up in gaily-coloured costumes, and insisting on the participation of policemen. Anyone who refuses to take part will be guilty of "hate crime".

women bishops

"Some people thought we were real bishops!"

Catholics are also demanding special "Catholic lanes" in our streets, so that pilgrims can march in safety, unimpeded by cars, cycles, shoppers, etc. Anglicans are demanding that Henry VIII be accorded the same status as the prophet Mohammed - no cartoons or derogatory remarks allowed, and priests expected to sing "I'm Henry the Eighth, I am" from church towers as an early morning call to prayer. Baptists and other Sola Scriptura types will be taking "Bible-bashing" literally by slamming the Good Book down on the heads of any unbelievers.

Cupich and Martin

"Are you sure this Christianity of yours is compatible with our gay faith?"

In the interests of equality, diversity, drone, drone, we think that this new Christian initiative will be popular with all sections of society. What could possibly go wrong?


  1. "Why does ev'ryone do what the others do?
    Can't a woman learn to use her head?
    Why do they do ev'rything their mothers do?
    Why don't they grow up- well, like their father instead?
    Why can't a woman take after a man?
    Men are so pleasant, so easy to please;
    Wherever you're with them, you're always at ease"

    OOOpa... I guess that is right out now, too?

  2. Dear Eccles, this is a genius plan. I think I could fancy joining the Baptists in the Bible bashing, then whenever an incident of this brand of Christian terrorism occurs all the other Christians, instead of expressing sorrow for the victims or coming up with ways to prevent this in future, can bang on about how they're the real victims because Christianophobia will now be on the rise in the form of people giving us funny looks on the bus and my parents will go on the news saying how shocked they are because I'd always been a lovely girl before this and I must have been radicalised online as it had naff all to do with my upbringing. Furthermore, whenever a cheeky condom is left on a church step it shall make the national headlines and the culprit shall die mysteriously halfway through his 12 month sentence and no one will care how or why.

  3. How did Herman's Hermits survive the Dissolution of the Monasteries? Took to the hills and sang music hall plainchant, I suppose.

  4. So which is better? The letter box bishop/cardinal or the bank robber version?

    The letter box is functional, predictable and unlikely to disturb the public peace. You'd be unlikely, in fact, to bother crossing the road for a closer look.

    The bank robber on the other hand is daring to the point of recklessness, resourceful and no respecter of society's mores.

    Give me the bank robber prelate any day. OK, even though he'll try to minimise any collateral damage, he might end up spilling some claret while going about his business but it will all be in a good cause.

  5. Maybe then a Christian will be able to migrate into Great Britain from the Middle East. No Christian has been able to do it thus far, but when there is declared Christianophobia, they have a chance.