Muslim synod announced

Following the striking success of the Catholic Synod on Synodal Synodality, our Islamic brothers have announced a Muslim Synod on Synodalised Synodding, which is to be seen as a follow-up from the "Mecca II" Council of the 1960s.

The strangely-familiar synod logo.

We spoke to Mike Al-Potato of the "Where Ali is" blog. "Of course, the Ayatollah Farhan-Zees is always right, and his Synod should bring the Islamic churches kicking and screaming into the 11th century," he said. "By the way, everyone who disagrees with me deserves to be stoned."

Sister Nat-Ali Burqua, one of the proposed "synodal mothers", is delighted with this opportunity to change Islamic teaching. "Should men really receive 72 virgins in Paradise?" she asked. "Cannot they make do with, say, 24? Also, what's in it for us women?"

Sister Nat-Ali.

One of the synodal experts is Ustan I-Verei, Professor of Canon Law at the Islamic University of Bradford, and regular contributor to the Taliban magazine. However, as usual, he had nothing interesting to say, so we'll move quickly on.

The Mecca II prayer-mat used by Ustan I-Verei.

Another topic up for discussion at the synod is the Islamic prohibition on alcohol and pork. Given that the synodal dinners are to be supplied by the "Saracen's Head" public house ("Beer and sausages our speciality") we may expect some changes in this respect.

Possibly a bit tactless.

How to be the Supreme Governor of a Church

Every so often someone comes up to me and says, "Eccles, my mother has just died, and apparently I am now Supreme Governor of the Church of England. Can you give me any advice?"

I am used to giving advice to major religious leaders - for example, see some of the "How to be a Good Pope" articles linked here, which have made Pope Francis the man he is today. So of course I am happy to oblige.

Well, the Church of England was founded by King Henry VIII, basically because he wasn't too pleased by the Catholic Church's "Till death us do part" attitude to marriage. Henry loved marriage, but only four of his six marriages were ended by death (two beheadings and two natural deaths, in fact, the last one being his own). Now, if you wish to be SG of the C of E you need to model yourself on this saintly character, perhaps by taking as your own wife the lady Camomile, whose husband is still alive.

Now, why are the royal couple defending the faith by packing dates? Read on...

O.K., that's sorted. Now, you may want to make sure that you believe all the official C of E teaching, and share it with your subjects. Luckily there isn't much: nobody (least of all the bishops) can agree on same-sex marriage, women priests, divorce, the existence of God, etc. etc. So we can skip that step.

Your current Prime Minister, although himself an atheist, is VERY FOND of Islam. He'd better be, or else all the Muslims in the country will vote for someone else: probably Liberal Democrats but maybe some sort of Allahu Akbar Party which may cut into your hopes of staying in office. So how can you reflect this in your own activities?

A message from the Defender of the Faith.

Simple: Ramadan is approaching, a time of repentance and sacrifice in which we remember Mohammed's temptations in the wilderness. Devout Muslims fast all day (not even an Allahu Snackbar is allowed) and then they fill up on yummy dates and sheeps' eyes with a big blow-out after dark. So, just like Lent for Christians, wouldn't you say?

So forget Lent, just celebrate Ramadan. Attend an Iftar (Arab word for "binge") and keep telling everyone how wonderful Islam is. We'll be coming soon to Eid (as in "Beware the Eids of March"), which is the Islamic version of Holy Week when we remember the prophet's death upon the cross crescent. And then the Resurrection - oh, he didn't manage that one, did he? Well, never mind.

Phew! There was time for more Christian activity, after all.

Your Majesty, you can thank me by making me Sir Eccles, Knight of the Garter.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 31

Continued from Chapter 30.

1. It came to pass, the following Easter, that strange events took place in the mighty city of Lon-don, of which the mayor was Genghis Khan, a fierce Muslim warrior.

2. For the people were ordered to ignore the holy events of Lent and Easter, but to celebrate Ramadan, a month in which the Muslims fasted in the daytime and ate all night long.

3. Unlike other people, who fasted at night and ate in the daytime.

The mighty city celebrates Easter.

4. And Richard spake out, saying, "I was horrified to see this. For I am a cultural Christian, who likes hymns and carols. Also, I like cathedrals and churches."

5. For Richard had not heard the worst hymns such as "Lord of the Dance" or "Shine, Jesus, Shine", nor had he visited the cathedral of Clif-ton.

Nor had Richard seen this statue of Jesus and Mary Magdalene.

6. Richard went on to explain that he enjoyed hot cross buns, Easter eggs, and sweet little bunnies (cooked in a red wine sauce).

7. However, although the Islamic faith also had its beautiful mosques, its great hymns such as "Shine, Mohammed, Shine" and delicacies such as hot crescent buns and sheep's eyes, Richard could not be a cultural Muslim.

8. For (he said) the religion of Christ was fundamentally decent, whereas the other one was fundamentally indecent.

Richard is obliged to disguise himself when he attends Mass.

9. For was not Islam hostile to women and to those men who chose to lie with other men?

10. Where were the female Imams shrieking "Wakey-wakey! Put your food away! Allah is great!" from high towers at the crack of dawn?

11. And where were the LGBTQ+ Mohammedits writing trashy books about "Building a Bridge"?

12. No, Richard could not say that he was a cultural Muslim.

"All Glory, Laud and Honour to Thee, Redeemer, King. Culturally speaking, of course."

13. "BUT I DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD OF THE CHRISTIAN FAITH," insisted Richard.

14. Which was perhaps a slight exaggeration, as Richard had never been known to murder or steal. Not even culturally.

Continued in Chapter 32.

The Book of St Richard beginneth here.

Pagans in Communion Conference

Yes, presented by www.christrecovery.com, it's the conference for all whose pagan leanings have been affected by Catholicism!

Nothing to do with this event, honest!

If you are a Pagan formerly associated with or affected by Catholicism, or are seeking to understand the effects of Catholicsm on our Pagan faith, then this conference is for you!

We feel your pain. Rigid Catholics who use words like "sin", "redemption" and "Christ" can cause untold distress to good Pagans such as ourselves, and it is important for us to have a conference as a way of giving each other support.

Two keynote speakers!

Yes, we are honoured to welcome Joe Biden, part-time president of the United States, who will give a keynote address on the subject of "Urgle burgle who am I splunge where's the ice-cream?" explaining how he was traumatized when a Catholic told him that killing babies was wrong.

We shall also be hearing from Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, author of "Are you gay? If not, why not?" - a manual for seminarians.

We shall hold synod-style bonding sessions!

We shall obviously play down the religious side of our beliefs - it is much more important to focus on OURSELVES rather than GOD - but we shall certainly sing a few happy songs (we don't use the h-word these days!) such as "All are welcome", "Gather us in", "On eagle's wings", etc.

As we meditate on just how horrible Catholicism is, we shall discuss the wonders of alternative beliefs, such as in Pachamama or the following message, seen at King's Crescent Railway Station.

The Stations of the Crescent - a lesson to us all.

Actually, some of us are a little unhappy with using words like "sinners", so there will be a trigger warning on this, and those likely to be offended may wish to miss out on this session. We are now trying to persuade the station to display more friendly messages such as "Remember, you are perfect already!"

Anyway, we are not here simply to moan about Catholicism, we will be partying as well! One of our keynote speakers, Blase Cupich, has donated some birthday cake, and all are welcome to share it (except Arthur Roche, who has his own cake).

This gluten-free, vegan and climate-friendly cupcake is also guaranteed Catholic-free!

LATE NEWS: Some orthodox Catholics have been detected trying to gatecrash our conference. All future bookings must be accompanied by a letter of support from either (a) a Jesuit; (b) Austen Ivereigh; or (c) Someone who writes for "Where Peter Is".

How Catholics should celebrate Ramadan

As we all know, "Ramadan" is just the Arabic word for "Lent", and it should be celebrated in that spirit, as several great Catholic leaders of our time have pointed out. First came Cardinal Dolan.

Ramadan is a holy season and Muslims set us a good example.

Sounds uncontroversial, doesn't it? We simply need to celebrate as the Muslims do. After all "Allahu Akbar" sounds very like "Alleluia" so we can sing either of these. Or, better still, shout them at people we meet in the street.

Personally, I try not to eat during the daytime but have a big blow-out after dusk. A huge plate of hot crescent buns, for example.

Cardinal! Don't you realise it's Ramadan?

Then we come to Cardinal Cupich, who would not be seen dead participating in a traditional Latin Mass, but is as happy celebrating Ramadan as he is in one of Fr James Martin's LGBTSJ-friendly happenings.

Let's all attend Novus Ordo Iftars!

Finally, let's see what the relevant dicastery (the word means "circus" these days) has to say. Unfortunately, their ecumenical efforts only merit 5/10, as they refer to "Muslims" as "Museums", probably having Christianity's Sea of Gallery in mind.

Still, they have already received a letter of thanks from Tristram Hunt, Director of the Victoria and Albert museum.

Dialogue is always a good replacement for worship.

So where does this feast of inter-religious dialogue leave us? I can see only one way of dealing with this: ENCOURAGE THE MUSLIMS TO BE SYNODAL. All they need to do is to get a bunch of self-styled experts to sit in a large room and bore each other to death.

Meanwhile, our own Synod (theme: "a kenotic decentering as a new way of being Church") is now destined to drag on until 2025, or even later.

Deo Gratias!

The Balham police go church-raiding

Scene 1: Balham Police Station. Inspector Thugg is directing his officers.

Thugg: Well done, team. You really put those Polish Catholics in their place. Holding a service of religion on Good Friday! If they wanted to meet, why couldn't they have just torn down a few statues or looted some shops, like normal people? Then we'd have left them alone.

Bad vestments.

Sergeant Bludgeon: What next, Guv? (Editor's note: all sergeants call their bosses "Guv" as a result of watching too many television serials.)

Thugg: Go out into the world and spread the Good News, Bludgeon! Go and find another church to trash.

Constable Bonehead: We passed something called Grand Mosque on the way back. Will that do?

Thugg: I guess so. Didn't Pope Francis say that Muslims were just like Christians, only richer? You won't meet any trouble. Off you go!

Bonehead: Any chance of some food before we go?

Thugg: Pick up a bacon sandwich from the canteen. You can eat it when you get to the mosque.

Liturgical dancing.

Scene 2: At the Mosque. Inside, Imam Hamza is explaining some juicy bits of the Koran.

Bonehead: Oi, Sarge, there's a pile of shoes here. Should we take off our size 14s as well?

Bludgeon: No, Doris, we'll need them if there's any trouble. Remember, go for the vicar first.

Imam Hamza: And now, my brothers, let us offer each other the sign of war.

Bludgeon: ALLAH, ALLAH, ALLAH! WOT'S ALL THIS THEN?

Hamza: Infidel! Heretic!

Bonehead: Fancy some of my bacon sandwich, Vicar?

Bludgeon: Not now, Constable. Imam Mohammed Ali Floatslikeabutterfly Hamza, alias Fred Nargs, you are charged that on the evening of April 2nd, alias Good Friday, you did do something or other and we'll decide what it was when we get back to the station.

Hamza: Boys, you know what to do!

Two altar-servers with scimitars drive the police out into the street.

Hamza: Thank you, lads. And now our next hymn, Shine, Mohammed, Shine!

Catholics encouraged to celebrate Ramadan

Imam Al-Nichols, also known to Catholics as Vincent, Cardinal Nichols, explained today that he was celebrating Ramadan at home since "What are Muslims but Catholics with a bit more money?"

Al-Nichols recycles his Father Christmas beard so as to be more ecumenical.

Daily life in the Nichols home is now a very Spartan affair, similar to that of a devout Muslim. A huge plate of bacon and eggs just before dawn, and then it's only fast food during the daytime (jumbo offalburgers, fish and chips, Westminster fried chicken). Then at sunset he is able to recover with a huge tankard of Medina beer ("the drink of the prophet").

"'Ramadan' is the Arabic word for 'Lent'," explains al-Nichols. "Some of my critics have pointed out that Catholics are still celebrating Easter, but how can that possibly be more important?"

Yes, there really is a Medina beer.

Being a "Mecca II" Muslim, al-Nichols is more liberal than most. He reads the Koran every day, but it is a "Message Koran". This omits the bits about slaying the infidel, replacing them by advice to write a stern letter to the Tablet acknowledging that all shades of opinion are equally valid. Also, the Imam-Cardinal does not believe in "ad Meccam" prayer, preferring to show his back to the Holy City.

When it comes to morals, al-Nichols continues to take a liberal attitude. Having in the past shown favour to "gay Masses", he is very keen to see similar events including Muslims, but "this is a long-term project".

When critics point out that Mohammed does not have such an impressive CV as Jesus Christ, the Son of God, al-Nichols has an answer for them. "It's an ecumenical matter," he explains. "Anglicans worship Henry VIII, don't they, and he was an even more bloodthirsty chap! Justin Welby and I are one on this matter."

Westminster Mosque.

It is not clear how many Muslims have been drawn into the Catholic Church by al-Nichols's initiative, or whether there has been any great movement in the other direction. The Catholic bishops are still keeping all the churches closed, and nobody knows what is going on inside at present. However, bearing in mind that al-Nichols is a keen football fan ("soccer" if you are American), we do note that there are 22 dioceses in England and Wales, and 22 men in a football match (plus the Nuncio acting as a referee). We leave readers to draw their own conclusions about the cries of "Over here, John!" "Good shot, Richard!" "You dirty fouler, John!" "You're offside, Malcolm!" "Where's your glasses, Nuncio?" "Dive, Bernard!" and "Goal!" which many have heard on walking past the theoretically-empty cathedral.

Now, about Hinduism...

Why can't Christians be more like Muslims?

Christian leaders have united in a joint effort to make Christianity a protected religion like Islam, marathon-running, cycling, and homosexuality. Pray outsider an abortion-clinic, and you will be screamed at by Rupa Huq and possibly arrested by the police; wear a crucifix at work, and you may be sacked (even if you're a priest).

A new look for the annual pilgrimage to Chartres.

On the other hand, if you wish to dress your wife like a letter box (© Boris Johnson), insist that your meat is produced from animals killed as painfully as possible, and jump out at people shouting "Allahu Akbar", then woe betide anyone who criticises you; if you wish to dress indecently and parade through the streets, making lewd suggestions at passers-by, then the police will probably join in (or if you wish to pretend you are a member of the opposite sex, then nobody may dispute this); and if you want to take place in a marathon race or a cycle ride, the streets will be closed for you, and non-worshippers told to stay at home. Words such as Islamophobia, homophobia, transphobia, marathonophobia and cyclophobia are bandied around as a way of stopping debate.

One of the Little Sisters of the Post models her new habit.

So from now, Christians will be behaving more like Muslims and the other protected groups. Expect Christians to jump out at you with knives crying "Shine, Jesus, Shine!" (for the Catholics, Pope Francis has agreed to make a little update to the Catechism permitting this). Some religious denominations will take part in "Christian Pride", dressing up in gaily-coloured costumes, and insisting on the participation of policemen. Anyone who refuses to take part will be guilty of "hate crime".

"Some people thought we were real bishops!"

Catholics are also demanding special "Catholic lanes" in our streets, so that pilgrims can march in safety, unimpeded by cars, cycles, shoppers, etc. Anglicans are demanding that Henry VIII be accorded the same status as the prophet Mohammed - no cartoons or derogatory remarks allowed, and priests expected to sing "I'm Henry the Eighth, I am" from church towers as an early morning call to prayer. Baptists and other Sola Scriptura types will be taking "Bible-bashing" literally by slamming the Good Book down on the heads of any unbelievers.

"Are you sure this Christianity of yours is compatible with our gay faith?"

In the interests of equality, diversity, drone, drone, we think that this new Christian initiative will be popular with all sections of society. What could possibly go wrong?

The end of Islamic fundamentalism

We have been consulted by various Muslims, anxious to solve the problem of "rigid" "fundamentalist" Muslims, the sort who think that massacring kids is a pretty neat idea. Now at last we have the solution!

HOLD A MECCA II COUNCIL!

After 1400 years, it is clear that Islam does need a little updating. For a start, the prophet Mohammed will have to go. Just as Anglicans have abandoned Jesus Christ in favour of Henry VIII, and Catholics now worship Pope Francis (your mileage may vary), it is possible for Muslims to have a new universally-respected leader, and here he is:

Sadiq Khan, descendant of Genghis, and Mayor of London.

Of course, we do not propose to jettison the Koran, which is a truly holy book for Muslims, but a new "Good News Koran" has been commissioned, replacing the old "King James Koran", and making the more controversial passages more user-friendly. Out go references to slaying the infidel, and in come touch-feely Islamic teachings about giving them a pretty fierce telling-off when they are invited round for tea and cucumber sandwiches.

Bring on the clowns!

Clown Masses work so well for Catholics, that Mecca II is advocating something similar for Muslims. And balloons. And liturgical dancing. Out goes Arabic as the main language of the Islamic Church, and in comes "Vernacular". No longer will Islamic festivals all be celebrated on the same day, but, taking the lead from the Catholics, local churches will be able to celebrate Ramadan, Eid, etc., at a time convenient to the local Imam.

Of course we still need the agreement of the more old-fashioned Islamic Churches - we don't regard the ISIS people as heretics, merely as slightly "traddy" - but there should be no serious difficulties in modernising Islam.

Paul Inwood - his Allahu Akbar Ch-Ch will be heard in mosques around the world.

Sister Judy Piranha attends the Women's March

Coo-ee, everyone!!??!! It's Sister Judy Piranha of the Catholic Nuns for Naughtiness back once more!!??!! I'm a disciple of those spiritual GIANTS, Father James Martin SJ ("Hillary" to his closest friends) and Father Dan Horan OFM ("Michelle" to his closest friends), joint patrons of the Order of the 30 Pieces of Silver!!??!!

Two of the greatest thinkers of our times.

Anyway, little Judy was delighted to join her sisters (of both sexes!!??!!) at the March for Death on Saturday!!??!! If you haven't been following this, the problem is that Donald Trump is a DIRTY OLD MAN who says RUDE THINGS!!??!! He HATES women so much that he keeps MARRYING them!!??!! Not like NICE MR CLINTON who merely raped them and assaulted them - everyone knows that dear Bill knew how to give a lady a good time!!??!!

So what is a girl to do, when the American people vote for someone she doesn't like??!!?? Demonstrate!!??!! Stand up for the essential dignity of women by wearing a costume shaped like the naughty bits of a lady!!??!! You wouldn't call us dick-heads!!??!! Quite the opposite, really!!??!!

What other direct action can we take to show that we support democracy ONLY IF it gives the answer we want, sisters??!!?? Perhaps we might even go as far as throwing a traffic cone at a passing policeman!!??!! If we did that, then Trump would be obliged to resign, mark my words!!??!!

My sisters showing Trump what they're made of!!??!!

Some people have pointed out that the Women's March wasn't exactly pro-life, and in fact "pro-life" groups were banned!!??!! But "pro-life" means whatever Fr Jim and Fr Dan say it means!!??!! There's NOTHING WRONG with killing a baby, dismembering it, and selling the pieces PROVIDED THAT you do it in a "pro-life" way!!??!! By that, we mean that we respect the baby, whatever its race, colour, creed or sexual orientation may be!!??!!

Then we kill it!!??!!

Sister Fatima of the Middle Eastern branch of Nuns for Naughtiness was delighted to join us on the March!!??!! It's true that when she got home her husband unfortunately flogged her to death, but - hey!?! - the moral is that women have much better rights in the Middle East than we do, and they don't have to put up with BEASTS like Donald Trump!!??!!

Sister Fatima and friends demonstrate against Donald Trump!!??!!

So I have one final message for you:

1. If you're a woman, then Byeeee, and keep the faith!!??!!

2. If you are inter-sex, trans-sex, a member of the order of the 30 pieces of silver, gender-queer, non-binary, duo-decimal or otherwise weird, then Hallelujah to you!!??!!

3. If you're a MAN then BOG OFF you nasty sexist pig!!??!!

Judy Piranha!!??!!

Mohammed was a "teacher of the faith", say German bishops

Germany’s Catholic bishops have praised Mohammed as a "Gospel witness and teacher of the faith", and called for closer ties with Muslims. As part of the celebrations of the 1400th anniversary of the dawn of Islam, Bishop Gerhard Feige of Magdeburg, chairman of the German bishops’ ecumenical commission, has produced a 206-page report calling for Mohammed's mission to be seen in a more positive light.

Not Mohammed. But we're risking a Lutheran attack by publishing a picture of this prophet.

Obviously, there are some minor doctrinal differences between Christianity and Islam, but nothing that a truly ecumenical person cannot live with. Muslims believe that the prophet Mohammed was sent by God to re-establish the true faith of Adam, Abraham, Moses, and all the other good eggs; moreover, the Koran is the word of God, and a jolly good read. Many Christians see things slightly differently, maintaining that Mohammed was a very naughty boy, and that the Koran is a load of tosh.

"So, broadly speaking, we are in complete agreement," says Bishop Feige. "For those of us who are German Catholics and don't really worry about religious matters, as long as we can collect a good healthy church tax, it is hard to see what all the fuss is about."

Some Muslims live similar lifestyles to German bishops.

The bishops' report includes conciliatory letters between the German bishops’ conference president, Cardinal Reinhard Marx, and Hibatullah Akhundzada, Head of the Taliban. Cardinal Marx wrote that he had always thought that the Catholic Church could learn a lot from Islamic fundamentalism, and proposed a pilgrimage to the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan, with a joint service devoted to "healing memories". Perhaps they could participate in a joint clown Mass, or perhaps a lesbian diversity Mass? Akhundzada replied that he would welcome the arrival of Marx, and was already setting up a commission to decide whether to boil him in oil, eviscerate him, or simply behead him as the highlight of an ecumenical service.

If this doesn't lead to Christian-Islamic Unity, then nothing will.

The ecumenical commission’s deputy chairman, Bishop Heinz Algermissen of Fulda, said Catholic-Islamic ties had improved since the Second Vatican Council, once Catholics had been encouraged to drop controversial notions such as sin, redemption, forgiveness, good and evil. However he stressed that churches must work for "visible unity, not just reconciled diversity".

Allah! Allah!

The Eccles Broadcasting Corporation (EBC) is pleased to announce a re-make of the the BBC television comedy series 'Allo 'Allo. Set in the year 2045, when the Muslims have taken control of France, the show Allah! Allah! tells the story of René Al-tois, the proprietor of a halal café, the Allahu Hack Bar.

René Al-tois.

Although ostensibly on good terms with the Muslim invaders - notably the witless Colonel Salem and Lieutenant Grubaiyat - René is secretly working for the Catholic Resistance. His wife Eid-ith sings Paul Inwood songs in the café; however, nobody recognises them as Catholic music and so she escapes censure. Indeed, she is complimented on the improvement she achieves by her tuneless singing.

The two sexy waitresses in René's café.

The story contains various sub-plots, to do with hiding two prominent British Catholics with posh voices, Patten and Stourton (luckily, nobody seriously believes that they are Catholics); another plot device is the question of the whereabouts of the famous painting The Fallen Monsignor with the big bores, by Christian Van Adams.

The Fallen Monsignor.

Finally, we should mention Mullah Flick of the elite iSiS squad, corrupt and incompetent. In the days when President Hollande was in charge of France, it was usual for Islamic attackers to plead insanity, but here we have one who is genuinely un gâteau aux fruits.

Allah! Allah! will be broadcast in the autumn.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 24

Continued from Chapter 23

1. And it came to pass that Richard was invited to the prestigious Northeast Conference on Science and Skepticism; this was because many years ago he had been a scientist, and he was in those days still a skeptic, or at least a sceptic.

2. And he accepted with alacrity, saying, "It will enable me to rub shoulders with many luminaries of whom nobody has ever heard, not to mention Michael Mann, he who hath produced a 'hockey stick' graph showing that the world will be consumed by fire if we do not shower gold upon him."

3. "And, although I shall fly to New York, that I may claim the miles of air, yet shall I pretend that I walked from Oxford, so that my giant footprints of carbon be hidden from the gaze of Mann."

Cometh the Nemesis of Richard.

4. But it was not to be, for there came into Richard's life a woman named Chanty Binx.

5. This was a woman with red hair, not unlike the fair Mrs Dawkins; well, at least, if the fair Mrs Dawkins had decided to dress up for Hallowe'en to scare the breeches off Richard.

6. She was known as an example of the hard-line feminist that screameth abuse, hateth men, and sweareth like the fabled fishwives of the Gate of Billings.

7. So it came to pass that on the Tube of Yew there appeared a song that mocked extreme Islamists and feminists.

8. And Richard found pleasure in this song by a fellow-atheist, and recommended it to his disciples.

The shanty that mocketh Chanty.

9. However, as scripture hath it, "Stick not thy nose into a nest of hornets, lest it be stung until it swelleth like the hippopotamus of the Nile."

10. And Richard was told that he was encouraging rape and death threats.

11. For why did he not confine himself to attacking the followers of Christ, who deserved all they got?

12. Thus Richard's invitation to the fleshpots of New York was withdrawn; for, in the words of the prophet Necsas, "Unpopular and offensive views are fine, but if we disagree with them they become divisive, counterproductive, hate speech."

Richard is banned from the "world's biggest bores" conference. [click to enlarge]

13. And some said "NECSS hath got cold feet. Doth Michael Mann know of this climatological phenomenon?"

14. But Richard was sore exasperated and said unto himself, "Atheists! Are ye not sick of them? CURSES, WHAT AM I SAYING???"

Richard is wounded.

Continued in Chapter 25.

We Christians are all guilty

We invited some distinguished guest columnists to explain how the terrorist murders in Paris should be laid directly at the door of Christians.

Juliet Carpet-Chewer of the once great Telegraph.

Surprising as it may seem, I can reveal that the Islamic terrorists who killed so many people in Paris were in fact Muslims. It's very confusing to have two different names for the same thing, but half an hour's research with Wikipedia put me straight on that! What's more, their "holy book" is called the Koran, but also called the Qur'an - it took me several days to work out that these were the same thing, really. Sheesh!

But then I came across a book called "Why Catholics are right" by Michael Coren (alias, Koran or Qu'ran), and I realized that in fact "Muslim" is just another word for "Christian". And, when you look at the two religions, they're identical. The Coren tells me that "Mohammed" is just the Arab word for "Christ", and - as we know from the New Testament - Christ told his followers to go out into the world and spread violence, hatred and terror.

A Catholic mosque.

I'll bet that if you asked Ayatollah Francis in Rome, he'd say that the two religions basically preach the same things. Look, I'm a reasonable woman, and I understand that there is a small minority of Christians who do not go out committing acts of terrorism on a daily basis. However, in the interests of security, we need to round up all Christians and shoot them. Don't you agree?

Brilliant article, Julia! I'm so glad we got rid of Damian Thompson. Love, Chris Evans (Telegraph Editor).

Comedy gold - Colbert and Rosica!

Fr Thomas Rosica writes: "The cry "Allahu akbar” was never a call to violence and destruction - it's what Muslims scream when they call people to prayer. Just as I scream "You're blocked!" or "Where's my lawyer?" when people attempt to dialogue with me. Once you realise that the armed gunmen in the Bataclan Theatre were simply trying to persuade people to pray, you understand what deeply religious people they were. We Basilians recognise holiness when we see it.

Of course, the gunmen were misunderstood, and things may have got slightly out of hand. Which of us has not had to face such a problem? It's important that Christians understand that we are all to blame. We need to dialogue more, walk with people, and show them mercy. Unless they're traditional Catholics. The Jihadi Jesuits, as usual, are leading the way.

"Adopt a Syrian - or at least a camel" says Anglican bishop.

David Walker, Bishop of Manchester, explains: "There's only one answer to all this. It's important that we move the entire population of Syria to England, and welcome them into our homes. Refugees, migrants, terrorists, all are worthy of our love."

"Unfortunately I am unable to take a Syrian family - even a Christian one - into my humble six-bedroom 'pad' . They wouldn't feel at home, and I fear that the constant prayer, hymn-singing and other religious devotions would cause annoyance - although I suppose I might get used to this. However, in the interests of peace, I have agreed to take a camel to live at Bishopscourt, and I urge you all to do likewise."