New Auckland-rite vestments available

Following the lead of Bishop Stephen Lowe of Auckland, New Zealand, Gammarelli's outfitters has now agreed to stock the new "Snickers" vestments that are driving the Catholic world wild.

Bishop Lowe models the new vestments.

Apparently, the "Snickers" liturgy is as orthodox as Pachamama, it being a Polynesian custom for clergy to wear chocolate bars round their necks when offering the Mass (or "Mars" as they pronounce it). Depending on the liturgical season, the Snickers may also be replaced by Bounty bars, Kit-Kats, Milky Way, Toblerone, etc.

Poor Hoho, the greatest theologian of our age, has given his approval, pointing out that the new liturgy helps to implement Pope Francis's Traditional Custardpie.

Moreover, Cardinal Roche has also declared himself very enthusiastic about the new vestments, and has personally ordered a dozen Snickers necklaces ("and don't bother about the chasuble"). Mike Lewis of Where Pacha Is has also given his imprimatur, although regular readers of this blog will know that he normally prefers sausages.

On the other hand, this has been a good week for the Trads, with the announcement that this year's hard-right fascist Chartres pilgrimage has drawn a record attendance, and is now closed to further pilgrims. It is not known whether any of the devout will be wearing Snickers bars around their necks although the event is something of a marathon.

Pope Francis is "delighted" to hear the news of Chartres.

Why can't Christians be more like Muslims?

Christian leaders have united in a joint effort to make Christianity a protected religion like Islam, marathon-running, cycling, and homosexuality. Pray outsider an abortion-clinic, and you will be screamed at by Rupa Huq and possibly arrested by the police; wear a crucifix at work, and you may be sacked (even if you're a priest).

A new look for the annual pilgrimage to Chartres.

On the other hand, if you wish to dress your wife like a letter box (© Boris Johnson), insist that your meat is produced from animals killed as painfully as possible, and jump out at people shouting "Allahu Akbar", then woe betide anyone who criticises you; if you wish to dress indecently and parade through the streets, making lewd suggestions at passers-by, then the police will probably join in (or if you wish to pretend you are a member of the opposite sex, then nobody may dispute this); and if you want to take place in a marathon race or a cycle ride, the streets will be closed for you, and non-worshippers told to stay at home. Words such as Islamophobia, homophobia, transphobia, marathonophobia and cyclophobia are bandied around as a way of stopping debate.

One of the Little Sisters of the Post models her new habit.

So from now, Christians will be behaving more like Muslims and the other protected groups. Expect Christians to jump out at you with knives crying "Shine, Jesus, Shine!" (for the Catholics, Pope Francis has agreed to make a little update to the Catechism permitting this). Some religious denominations will take part in "Christian Pride", dressing up in gaily-coloured costumes, and insisting on the participation of policemen. Anyone who refuses to take part will be guilty of "hate crime".

"Some people thought we were real bishops!"

Catholics are also demanding special "Catholic lanes" in our streets, so that pilgrims can march in safety, unimpeded by cars, cycles, shoppers, etc. Anglicans are demanding that Henry VIII be accorded the same status as the prophet Mohammed - no cartoons or derogatory remarks allowed, and priests expected to sing "I'm Henry the Eighth, I am" from church towers as an early morning call to prayer. Baptists and other Sola Scriptura types will be taking "Bible-bashing" literally by slamming the Good Book down on the heads of any unbelievers.

"Are you sure this Christianity of yours is compatible with our gay faith?"

In the interests of equality, diversity, drone, drone, we think that this new Christian initiative will be popular with all sections of society. What could possibly go wrong?

The religion that threatens Christianity

Am I going to attack Islam again? Am I going to have another kick at secular humanism (atheism)? No, there is a worse threat to church-goers. Every Sunday morning one of our great cities is blocked by some "half-marathon" running event (today it was Oxford): the streets are closed, and Christian worshippers cannot get to church. The event could just as easily - and less disruptively - take place on Sunday afternoon, but no, it has to take place at the worst possible time for Christians.

Bad vestments worthy of Bishop Katharine Jefferts Schori!

I admit that in my childhood my religious education, although mostly Christian, did include heretical elements such as cross-country and road-running. Every Tuesday we did a 4-mile run, and woe betide you if you did not complete the course in 30 minutes. Being supremely fit I clocked in at 26 minutes, every time. However, being sent on runs could also be used as a punishment, which is why so many "baptised" runners later lapse and follow other forms of worship.

World "Yoof" Day. A huge congregation turns out for a London Marathon Service.

These days I do occasionally run for a bus, but of course this is actually a breach of the 1st Commandment, and needs to be confessed and forgiven. Pope Francis has suggested that we "walk with" people who have dabbled with running. It is true that if a person with running tendencies is truly seeking God, then who are we to judge?

Running is an ancient heresy. The Church of Half-Marathon was founded by the (false) prophet Pheidippides in 490 BC (which is somewhere between Zechariah and Esther in Old Testament terms), and there are references to this religion throughout history.

Peter and John running to the empty tomb. But they were forgiven.

Some runners have become radicalized. Whereas "moderate" runners will dash past you on the pavement with an apologetic "Excuse me", the militant ones shout "Get out of the way!" and are prepared to knock over those who do not follow their faith.

Nowadays, running is the major religion in the Western World. The Islamic countries are less troubled by it - it's too hot - and it is good to see that older people run far less than the youngsters, putting away such childish things as they prepare for the after-life.

As all religions spawn heretical sects, a modernist religion has arisen that also causes great inconvenience to Christian worship - cycling. There are Le Tour de France, Le Tour De Yorkshire, La Tour de Babel, ... all events designed to take over the streets for several days and make it impossible for people of other religions to worship.

Cyclists have special places where they can carry out their disgusting rituals.

Still, all is not gloomy. Pope Francis is expecting to meet the Chief Cyclist soon, and to pray with him as an ecumenical gesture. In these days, we have to live with our neighbour, even if we are shocked by his beliefs.