This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday 12 September 2018

Serener Francis in racism and sexism row

Critics of the superstar sportsman, His Serene Highness Pope Francis the First and Last, have been accused of racism and sexism, after they objected to the way he screamed at the judges in his latest tournament.

Serener Francis apparently indulged in one of his famous meltdowns, accusing his judges of being LITERALLY SATAN. "How dare you criticise me and my bishops?" he asked, throwing his zucchetto on the floor and stamping on it. "You cannot be serious. Only the Great Accuser would wish for our bishops to be brought to book for their misdeeds!"

Pope Francis liquid lunch

Serener Francis has a humble (liquid) dinner with some despised members of society.

Tennis commentators such as Massie "the Prof" Faggioli, Aussie "clueless" Ivereigh and Tommy "Blocker" Rosica were quick to rush to the support of the serene superstar, winner of the St Gallen all-comers championship in 2013.

"Obviously it's racism, as he comes from the Southern Hemisphere," said one.

"People want to replace him by a white male, like, er, Cardinal Sarah," said another.

"Serene Francis is just what the Church needs - see my book Serener Francis - The Great Screamer, only 20p from any charity shop" said a third.

Although he has won many tournaments, Serener Francis has not always had things his own way. In the Dubia tournament of 2016 he dropped five match points to Ray Burke, the American seed, and has never forgiven him for this.

However, on the whole, Serener Francis has been greatly praised for his humble attitude to life - unlike Ray Burke, who served luxury profiteroles at his birthday party (£1.50 for 12), the Serene Pontiff chose to celebrate by inviting a humble group of homeless people, journalists, cameramen, and yes-men to eat a plate of Grande Scandalo Italian pasta in front of the cameras.

Hilary White cartoon

A typical sexist racist cartoon about Serener Francis.

As for whether Serener Francis will be disciplined for his latest outburst, it seems unlikely. If all else fails he can declare infallibly that nothing his bishops have done is contrary to Catholic teaching. In which case we are in deep trouble.


  1. “He tries to uncover the sins, so they are visible in order to scandalize the people."

    Remove "scandalize" and insert "inform". Remove the "Great Accuser" and insert "Viganò and all the people of God". We knew from the start of this return match against Benedict XVI that Bergoglio was going to be a disaster. We are now in the final minutes of injury time and he is finished.

  2. Eccles you fool, you just don't understand !!

    As the Pope has explained, when a Bishop is being accused and is in the wrong, all he needs do is to pray, and then in future he should avoid being perceived as an aristocrat, and then all is forgiven !!

    Were you lacking these explanations in your copy of the Catechism ?

    No Sacraments nor Confessions necessary !! Oh no, not in the new Church of the Holy Whoamitojudgeianity in the progressive rainbow trinity of worker, hammer, and sickle !!!

  3. A great consolation for me in difficult times has been the Pope Francis Little Book of Serene Statements.

  4. "Obviously it's racism. People want to replace him with a white male like Cardinal Sarah." LOL Eccles you NAILED it yet again. A humble group of homeless people and camera men lol!

  5. Don't know about his critics, Eccles, but you can't accuse El Serenissimo of being a racist. He's all set to launch Hug A Gringo Day when he visits Argentina.

  6. I'm just relieved for the world of tennis that Serene Wilful Francis was never chosen to be a line-judge. Picture the scene:

    JPII (dad was JPI of course) looks for clarification on a close call. Depending on what he's had for breakfast or how the wind's blowing, His Serenity wil pull out one of three stock-in-trade responses.

    "About this I will not say one word. Work it out for yourself. It will do you good!"

    Or..absolute silence.

    Or of course, "Who am I to judge?"

    Well might JPII scream back,"YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS. YOU'RE THE PITS!!"