This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 15 November 2019

Fr James Martin explains the Bible

Followers of Fr James Martin LGBTSJ have long admired his interpretations of the Bible ("Mary Magdalene was the Church", "Jesus learned from the Canaanite woman", "The Holy Spirit is female") and now at last his thoughts have been collected into a book, "BUILDING A FUDGE". We are pleased to be able to print some extracts here.

Martin tweet

In fact the remaining 9 were off to an LGBT "retreat".

Let's look at the story of Noah's Ark in detail. God had decided to drown most of the human race, as they were guilty of homophobia, insensitivity of the needs of migrants, and a refusal to take part in the Ignatian Yoga sessions organized by Fr Noah SJ.

The interesting part of this story begins when the waters were receding, and Noah decided to send out a dove from the ark. We can see this dove as a refugee seeking a new life, and the first time it went out it came back, rejected, possibly because it was an LGBT dove. The next time, the dove returned with an olive leaf, showing that the olive tree community were trying to build bridges with it. Finally the dove did not return. And we all know what happened next: God set a rainbow in the sky to symbolise the fact that He approves of LGBT sex.

Noah's Ark and rainbow

The LGBT message could hardly be clearer!

Let's move on a bit to the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the Book of Daniel. Why were they thrown into the burning fiery furnace? Was it because they refused to serve the gods of Nebuchadnezzar and worship the golden image he set up? This doesn't sound very likely, does it? Would Pope Francis SJ throw Mr Alexander Tschugguel into a burning fiery furnace, just because he was disrespectful to the idol of Pachamama? Well, actually, he probably would, the Holy Father has quite a temper (trust me, I am a great friend of his). Still, in this case there was obviously more behind the story.

Jesuit scholars reckon that Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were probably leaders of the local LGBT community. The fact that God "built a bridge" towards them by sparing them from the intense fires simply proves my case. They were the marginalised, the despised, the rejected, but in the end they triumphed.

Incidentally, putting people into burning fiery furnaces has now been condemned by Pope Francis, as it produces harmful CO2 emissions. See the new Catholic Catechism for details.

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego

"When we come out we can sell our story to the National Catholic Reporter!"

Finally, a story from Maccabees. There were seven brothers, and they were threatened with tortures if they did not renounce their faith and eat pigs' flesh, which was against their traditional teaching. Quite a tough assignment, similar to the persecution I received when I was heckled in Baltimore! Still, the story has a happy ending, as they all agreed "These are my principles, but if you don't like them I have others" and tucked into bacon sandwiches.

Of course the Bible has an account that says that all seven were put to death in hideous agony (skin torn off, fried in a pan etc.) but this is almost certainly a translation error. When reading the Bible, always ignore the inconvenient bits. That's what I do!

Seven dwarves

"It was all a misunderstanding!" The seven brothers celebrate.


  1. Seven gay dwarfs! Of course. Cancelling out pesky deadly sins.

  2. As usual there are too many funny bits to pick a favourite! The LGBT dove, Francis disapproving of burning people because of the Co2 emissions, the 7 dwarfs... Fabulous as ever dear Bruvver.

  3. Bruvver Eccles, I am speechless. Pure genius, sir.

  4. Interesting that Jesus is African. But, actually, almost a defense of Fr. Jim LBTQSJ, the foreigner did show gratitude, although as our priest noted in the sermon, as a foreigner it would not have been his religious custom to show himself to the Jewish high priest and declared cured. And the 9 Jews and 1 Samaritan were unified by a physical disability. BTW, legal immigrants, and I work with some US citizens born in places like Mexico, Nigeria, Nicaragua, South Korea and India, who came here to work and better themselves, are grateful to the United States. Fr. Jim of course refers to the Democrats core constituents, people for whom work is optional, or he favors people receiving coming illegally, some actually working but not paying taxes, many more receiving benefits, and prays for the day they are made US citizens and can vote.

  5. Yay, another feast! Yum. Thanks Eccles!