This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 23 November 2019

Justin Welby explains buffer zones

"Hi! I'm Justin, Archbishop of Canterbury, and the rightful heir of St Peter (we try not to mention Henry VIII). I've been asked my opinion about buffer zones!

Well, at first I misunderstood. I thought they were referring to zones where old buffers like me could sit and relax, untroubled by my neighbours praying! In the Anglican Church we call them cathedrals, and they usually have a crazy golf course or helter-skelter to help bring in the customers!

But, no, it actually refers to buffer zones round abortion clinics. My dear friend Juq the Ruppa (memo: check name) is a great fan of these, especially in Ealing, and she certainly doesn't want to see people praying!"

stuffed dummy

"You could say they're doing the wrong thing, you could say they’re doing the right thing, you can say it's their right, you can say that the baby has rights ... uh..."

What Welby really said, script written by his assistant Rev. Enid Waffle.

Political leaders welcomed Welby's views. "You wouldn't think he was one of those God-botherers, would you?" said a prominent Labour MP, K. Herod. His own party has decided to decriminalise all abortions, and is now looking seriously at allowing the possibility of killing all children up to the age of 6, after which they will of course have the vote.

"No, he's very enlightened," agreed E. Nero, a Liberal Democrat MP. "Welby's the sort of sound man that would be welcome in our party, unlike those Christians we chucked out." His party is looking into the possibility of making pregnancy illegal, and - being liberal - only killing children up to the age of 4.

These views of Archbishop Welby may lead to an ecumenical crisis, as Catholics (even Vincent Nichols) are unlikely to participate in ceremonies to bless abortion clinics. However, when did you last hear a Catholic priest - far less, a bishop - denounce abortion from the pulpit? As St Stephen put it: "Hey, guys, I was only joking when I said I believed in Christ. Put those stones down!"

Pope and Welby

Francis: We've dropped the adultery and idolatry commandments. That's as far as we can go now.
Welby: Hold my beer!


  1. Dear Eccles. How very prescient you are, as always.

    The only problem is that all those Chappies and Chappesses, that you mention in your excellent Article, will not have a clue what you're talking about.

    Are you selling Christmas Tickets for Rides on The Helter Skelters and Crazy Golf Thingies that now abound in Anglican so-called Churches ?

  2. Rhymin’ Reason

    Wise Welby went on-air
    A-sea in a waffle,
    If waffles were stronger
    His rhyme would be longer.

  3. Pope Francis yesterday :

    Dear Friends,

    In this Synod, you have met to discuss issues that are critical both in themselves and in the light of the complex religious challenges of the current international scene, marked as it is by a climate of instability and conflict. A certain pessimism might make us think that “prospects for a world free from pagan idols and for integral Tiberisation of them all”, the theme of your meeting, appear increasingly remote. Indeed, the escalation of the social justice war continues unabated and the price of modernizing and developing spiritual weaponry, not only Pachamama idols, represents a considerable expense for national churches. As a result, the real priorities facing our human family, such as the fight against Heresy, the promotion of Christianity, the undertaking of catechetical, prayer, and Charity projects, and the development of Catholic orthodoxy, are relegated to second place (cf. the Revelation from God to all of Mankind, 2000 BC to 2000 AD etc).

    Nor can we fail to be genuinely concerned by the catastrophic schismatic and heretical effects of any employment of Pachamama idols. If we also take into account the risk of an accidental apostasy as a result of heresies of any kind, the threat of their use, as well as their very possession, is to be firmly condemned. For they exist in the service of a mentality of fear that affects not only the parties in conflict but the entire human race. Genuine Catholicism cannot be held captive to idolatrous madness, hatred of Truth, and the parading of false virtues. Weapons of Mass destruction, particularly pagan idols, create nothing but a false ecumenism. They cannot constitute the basis for peaceful Catholicity between members of the human family, which must rather be inspired by an ethics of pure orthodoxy (cf. New Testament, 1st Century AD). Essential in this regard is the witness given by the Christ and His Apostles, the Witnesses of the Incarnation and the Resurrection, together with other Disciples of the One True Faith. May their prophetic voice serve as a warning, above all for coming generations!

    Furthermore, Pachamamas that result in the destruction of the Catholic Faith are senseless even from a tactical standpoint. For that matter, while true Faith is always at the service of humanity, in our time we are increasingly troubled by the misuse of certain projects originally conceived for a good cause. Suffice it to note that pagan ideologies are now spreading, also through digital communications, and that the instruments of Canon Law have not prevented new churches from joining those already in subjection to outright heretical anathemata. The resulting scenarios are deeply disturbing if we consider the challenges of contemporary religious apathy, like atheism or entryist political ideologies.

    At the same time, a deeply unhealthy materialism continues to endarken the Light of Hope in our unruly Church. Recently, for example, in a historic vote at the Amazon Synod, the majority of the members of the Lavender Mafia determined that orthodox Catholicism is not only immoral, but must also be considered an illegal means of worship. This decision widened a significant heterodox lacuna, inasmuch as beautiful liturgy, good doctrines, anti-communist opinions and prayed rosaries are all expressly hated by liberal ideologues. Even more important is the fact that it was mainly the result of a “one world religion initiative” sponsored by a significant alliance between free masons, atheists, liberation theologians, bridge builders, pagan cults, and gangs of wreckers. The document that you, distinguished recipients of demonic possessions, have consigned to me is a part of this, and I express my despair and loathing for these works of outright apostasy and evil.


  4. However, when did you last hear a Catholic priest - far less, a bishop - denounce abortion from the pulpit?
    True but when did you ever hear a Catholic sermon?