Catholic Church to be renamed "Y"

In a desperate attempt to modernize the Catholic Church, Pope Francis announced today that from now on, the social media organization religion will no longer be called "Catholic" but will be rebranded as "Y".

The new flag includes a humble "Y" (in the Catholic Silly Font, naturally).

Out will go the old-fashioned "cross" logo - Pope Francis is hoping that his very-popular three-year synodal progress will come up with an alternative. "Perhaps something based on the rainbow," suggested his close confidant Fr James Martin LGBTSJ. "That's Biblical, isn't it?"

Fr James Martin jets in.

"The name 'Y' came to me by divine revelation," explained the Holy Father. "I looked out of my window soon after we announced Traditionis Custodes and I had a vision of a multitude of Catholics all shouting 'Y, oh Y, oh Y?' Make a note of that, Austen, it can go in your next biography of me as an evidence of my saintliness."

In response to this radical change, Mr Elon Musk, the well-known rich person, commented "What a silly name!"

The Book of Covidicus, Chapter 4 - staying alert

Continued from Chapter 3.

1. Then Bosis ceased to harden his heart, and said "From now on a new commandment I give unto you: STAY ALERT. Also ye must CONTROL THE VIRUS and SAVE LIVES."

2. And the people were now allowed to leave their dwellings more than once a day, although they must remain at a distance of four cubits from one another.

Bosis and the three commandments.

3. But the Scottites and the Welshites mocked him, saying, "We cannot ask our people to stay alert, for they know not what this means. So we will ask them to stay at home, watching the box that is called Goggle and Magoggle."

4. And it was so.

5. However, the Scottites also told their people that they might go out if they played the bagpipes, thus encouraging their neighbours to stay at a distance of a thousand cubits from them.

6. Now, many years ago, the LORD had placed a rainbow in the sky, as a sign of His Covenant with Man, to show that never again would the world be drowned by waters, not even in the land of Manchester where it raineth every day.

7. But the dwellers in the Cities of the Plain, which are called Elbee and Geetee, had taken the rainbow unto themselves, saying that it was a sign that they would not be destroyed for their wickedness.

8. Then those who worshipped the doctors, the nurses, the hospital accountants and their equality and diversity officers said "Let us also use the rainbow, as a sign of God's favour to us."

This means war!

9. But the people of Elgee and Beetee waxed wroth, saying "The rainbow is sacred unto us, and cannot be stolen by the doctors."

10. "Moreover, ye have cancelled our parades, that are called Pride, in which we are joined by officers of the law, whereby we may explain to the children how wondrous is our lifestyle."

11. Hence the sufferings of the people of Elgee and Beetee were greater than any others known at this time.

12. Meanwhile, the people continued to argue about the meaning of the words "four cubits", and asked Bosis for guidance.

There came an answer.

13. So Bosis spake, saying, "Take up thy bed and walk, for thy bed is four cubits long, unless thou be Og of Bashan."

14. (For, as it is recorded, Og's bedstead was a bedstead of iron. Nine cubits was the length thereof, and four cubits the breadth of it.)

15. Bosis also suggested that a man might otherwise carry around three cabinets known as fridge, but in the end nobody was strong enough to do this.

16. Then there came a decree from Caesar Agatesus, that all the world should be vaxxed.

Caesar Agatesus, the most powerful man in the world.

17. This Agatesus was a wealthy potentate, who had obtained a vast fortune by selling unto the people windows that would not stay open.

18. And now he had found a strange vixen, with which he claimed to cure all the ills of the world.

19. So Bosis, and his servant Matthew, of the tribe of Hanoch, were deeply troubled, and they thought hard about whether the people of Bri-tain should receive the strange vixen of Agatesus.

Continued in Chapter 5.

Fr James Martin explains the Bible

Followers of Fr James Martin LGBTSJ have long admired his interpretations of the Bible ("Mary Magdalene was the Church", "Jesus learned from the Canaanite woman", "The Holy Spirit is female") and now at last his thoughts have been collected into a book, "BUILDING A FUDGE". We are pleased to be able to print some extracts here.

In fact the remaining 9 were off to an LGBT "retreat".

Let's look at the story of Noah's Ark in detail. God had decided to drown most of the human race, as they were guilty of homophobia, insensitivity of the needs of migrants, and a refusal to take part in the Ignatian Yoga sessions organized by Fr Noah SJ.

The interesting part of this story begins when the waters were receding, and Noah decided to send out a dove from the ark. We can see this dove as a refugee seeking a new life, and the first time it went out it came back, rejected, possibly because it was an LGBT dove. The next time, the dove returned with an olive leaf, showing that the olive tree community were trying to build bridges with it. Finally the dove did not return. And we all know what happened next: God set a rainbow in the sky to symbolise the fact that He approves of LGBT sex.

The LGBT message could hardly be clearer!

Let's move on a bit to the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the Book of Daniel. Why were they thrown into the burning fiery furnace? Was it because they refused to serve the gods of Nebuchadnezzar and worship the golden image he set up? This doesn't sound very likely, does it? Would Pope Francis SJ throw Mr Alexander Tschugguel into a burning fiery furnace, just because he was disrespectful to the idol of Pachamama? Well, actually, he probably would, the Holy Father has quite a temper (trust me, I am a great friend of his). Still, in this case there was obviously more behind the story.

Jesuit scholars reckon that Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were probably leaders of the local LGBT community. The fact that God "built a bridge" towards them by sparing them from the intense fires simply proves my case. They were the marginalised, the despised, the rejected, but in the end they triumphed.

Incidentally, putting people into burning fiery furnaces has now been condemned by Pope Francis, as it produces harmful CO₂ emissions. See the new Catholic Catechism for details.

"When we come out we can sell our story to the National Catholic Reporter!"

Finally, a story from Maccabees. There were seven brothers, and they were threatened with tortures if they did not renounce their faith and eat pigs' flesh, which was against their traditional teaching. Quite a tough assignment, similar to the persecution I received when I was heckled in Baltimore! Still, the story has a happy ending, as they all agreed "These are my principles, but if you don't like them I have others" and tucked into bacon sandwiches.

Of course the Bible has an account that says that all seven were put to death in hideous agony (skin torn off, fried in a pan etc.) but this is almost certainly a translation error. When reading the Bible, always ignore the inconvenient bits. That's what I do!

"It was all a misunderstanding!" The seven brothers celebrate.

English bishops to relax the dress code

In view of the extreme temperatures in London - "nearly as high as the last time it was this hot" - the Catholic Bishops of England and Wales have agreed that priests may relax their dress code - cassocks, chasubles, socks, whatever - for Mass this weekend.

A Jesuit priest models a rainbow leotard.

"If the Marylebone Cricket Club can do it, then why not us?" explained Cardinal Vincent Nichols, as he rummaged through his wardrobe for a scarlet mankini. "We take our faith nearly as seriously as those cricket fans."

However, there are limits on what priests will be allowed to wear on "Scorcher Sunday." A request from the archbishop of Great Tobin that he could wear a see-through nighty-nighty was turned down.

Maintaining standards. This priest insists on wearing full dress when he dances.

To get a wider view of the issue, we asked the American bishops their views on stripping off in hot weather. Farrell, Wuerl, Tobin and Cupich were unanimous: "We prefer to cover things up." What can they mean?

The National Trust takes over Animal Farm

With apologies to George Orwell.

"I am an old donkey now," said Benjamin, "and old enough to remember those days fifty years ago, when we had the sexual revolution, and threw Farmer Jones out of his farm. For he would not let the male animals mate with male animals, nor the females with females. What a great day for freedom that was! As a Catholic donkey, I was taught that such deeds were acts of grave depravity, but we should not speak ill of them."

Benjamin, the Catholic donkey.

Clover the old mare nuzzled up to him. "It was necessary at the time," she said. "We were told that Napoleon and Snowball were deeply in love, and suffered great persecution. Everyone said that a revolution was necessary. But it seems to me that the world is a different place now."

"My Catholic guides are very weak," said Benjamin. "Squealer the Jesuit Pig is enlisting the animals in a bridge-building programme, and we have new slogans. The motto 'VIRTUE GOOD, SIN BAD' that I learned in my catechism has been dropped."

Just at that moment, as though at a signal, all the sheep burst out into a tremendous bleating of "VIRTUE GOOD, SIN BETTER! VIRTUE GOOD, SIN BETTER!"

Things turn out badly for the sheep.

Clover led him round to the end of the big barn. "My sight is failing," she said. "But it appears to me that that wall looks different too. Are the Ten Commandments the same as they used to be, Benjamin?"

Benjamin read out to her what was written on the wall. There was nothing there now except a single message. It ran:

NATIONAL TRUST: MANOR FARM
ALL ANIMALS MUST WEAR RAINBOW BADGES
OR BE MADE INTO SAUSAGES.

FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. (Sorry, wrong book.)

However, there was worse to come. As the animals turned back, they saw Squealer the Jesuit Pig welcoming the famous Stephen Fry to the new "gay" farm. The creatures looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.

Government plans to regulate Sunday schools

The Department of Education is expanding its plans to register and inspect Sunday schools using OFCHURCH, the government office that already ensures that church services preach inclusivity, equality, diversity, British values, etc. and as little religion as possible. From now on, there will be a national curriculum, and all Sunday school teaching will be strictly controlled.

This is allowed, as it celebrates biodiversity and warns against climate change.

All Bible stories, games, and children's drawing and colouring will be strictly monitored, and if a church fails to comply with government guidelines, then it can be closed down without warning. The above picture is permitted, but those containing a serious religious message will be forbidden.

This picture is banned under the "prevention of terrorism" legislation of 1558.

However, it is not just Sunday schools that are under threat. Scouts, guides and cubs, for example, are another target. "DYB DYB DYB?" What kind of message is that for modern Britain, especially as "Do your best" is an exclusive and elitist mantra, discriminating against those who have chosen a slothful lifestyle! OFCHURCH recommends "DWYL DWYL DWYL" ("Do whatever you like"), as something that cannot be offensive to anyone.

Rainbow groups (ages 5 to 7) are still encouraged. Can you guess why?

It is expected that the Department of Education will soon be undertaking a complete overhaul of churches' liturgy, to remove all controversial aspects. For the time being, Latin masses will be exempt, as nobody in the civil service knows what they mean, and anyway, if we are going to preach diversity by supporting the African and Asian communities, we must also respect the rights of those such as Fr John Hunwicke whose first language is Latin. However, don't rely on this continuing.

Sex and the Psalms

The Eccles Bible project has rather stalled recently, as Eccles has been too busy taking part in "Sloth Pride" events - or rather, not bothering - so we have asked Fr Phil Barney of the Church of St Daryl the Apostate to run this week's class.

Hi, I'm Fr Phil, and I've written today's analysis after consulting the writings of great thinkers such as Hans Küng, Tina Beattie, Tony Flannery, Timothy Radcliffe and Stephen Fry. For a long time we've all realised that the main point of religion is SEX, and we see this in the Book of Psalms as well.

Of course in St Daryl's we don't "do" the responsorial psalm, preferring to chant selections from Laudato Si to the tune of some modern pop song - perhaps something catchy by Gary Glitter or Rolf Harris. Still, I'm grateful to Eccles for letting me explain the psalms in the context of our GOD IS SEX project.

St Daryl the Apostate's is PROUD.

We'll be using the Good News Bible, as it's written for people with the IQ of a mollusc, with all the theological subtleties removed. Now, most of the psalms are definitely unsuitable for worship, as they are all about praising God - a rather controversial notion these days. Look how Psalm 6 starts:

Lord, don't be angry and rebuke me!
Don't punish me in your anger!
I am worn out, O Lord; have pity on me!
Give me strength; I am completely exhausted
and my whole being is deeply troubled.
How long, O Lord, will you wait to help me?

How inappropriate in this day and age! Calling on the "Lord" to sort out problems that should be addressed to your social worker, homeopathic doctor, or sex counsellor! We've got beyond that, surely?

Give me strength; I am completely exhausted.

There's a lot of stuff in the Psalms about the Love of God. Nowadays, we only use "love" to mean "sex", so passages such as this (Psalm 13), apparently addressed to God, are clearly unsuitable for modern audiences.

I rely on your constant love;
I will be glad, because you will rescue me.

What's more, the psalmist seems to be unware that PRIDE is GOOD. Look at Psalm 59:

Sin is on their lips; all their words are sinful;
may they be caught in their pride!
Because they curse and lie,
destroy them in your anger;
destroy them completely.

Ian McKellen reminds us that PRIDE is GOOD.

In fact the psalms seem totally to misunderstand the main social issues of today - no mention of same-sex weddings (or any other), nothing about equality and diversity, climate change, etc. Still, the issue of the family is touched on in Psalm 112:

The good man's children will be powerful in the land;
his descendants will be blessed.
His family will be wealthy and rich,
and he will be prosperous forever. 

A good man enjoying prosperity.

Well, those lines are a bit more in keeping with modern values! Of course, if the children were produced by IVF, ideally with a "borrowed" mother helping out a male couple, then that would be even better. But we mustn't be heterophobic here: let's recognise that some male/female relationships can be tolerated, even if we don't think they're natural!

Anyway, you see now why we don't use the psalms at St Daryl's - they really aren't relevant to contemporary issues, such as SEX. However, the last psalm, Psalm 150, makes a good point:

Praise the Lord!
Praise God in his Temple!
Praise his strength in heaven!
Praise him for the mighty things he has done.
Praise his supreme greatness.
Praise him with trumpets.
Praise him with harps and lyres.
Praise him with drums and dancing.
Praise him with harps and flutes.
Praise him with cymbals.
Praise him with loud cymbals.
Praise the Lord, all living creatures!
Praise the Lord!

A few outmoded concepts there - God, temple, Heaven, Praise, etc. but the main idea - that we should play our guitars and show off our liturgical dancing - is clear!

"Come right in!"

Make God in your own image!

There is an obvious explanation for recent reports that some women priests and bishops - Anglicans of course - would like to rewrite Christian liturgy to make God female: not only did God make Man in His own image, but many people would like to remake God in their own image. Here are some case studies.

God dictates the more boring bits of Leviticus to Moses.

Pope Francis writes: I see God as a rather confused old man, surrounded by some rather dodgy archangels (e.g. Kasper, the Father of Lunacy). God Himself, although traditionally described as a "Judge Eternal, Throned in Splendour", is really a much more humble character, who prefers to be enthroned in a rather spartan apartment, and is anxious to reassure people with the words, "WHO AM I TO JUDGE?" Most of what God says has been taken down by unreliable prophets and evangelists, and it suffers from translation errors.

God teaches Noah about gay marriage.

Fr Gerry O'Morrah, Irish Catholic priest: If there's any message that we should take from scripture and tradition, it is that God is really keen on equality, diversity, gay marriage, abortion, euthanasia, and cannibalism. There are examples of these throughout the Bible, all described in enthusiastic tones. He is the God of Death and Sex, and was known as such to the ancient Irish. The very fact that He placed a rainbow in the sky after the great flood proves to us exactly what His vision was for the world.

"Cake of Heaven - feed me from thy bounteous store."

Damian Thompson, Spectator journalist: God was described as a "blood-crazed ferret" by the Church Times, but in reality He is a much milder character, whose main joy is in listening to our worship, especially when we offer it in the form of Bach Chorales and Gladys Mills songs. Obviously, being the Almighty, He has no weaknesses, but His fondness for cupcakes and custard - the Cake of Life - almost amount to an addiction. Trust me, I know about these things.

A vision of Heaven.

Other writers have described God in these terms:

"He's a grumpy old man in a shed who likes harassing and insulting people."

"Well, dude, you just don't appreciate the fact that God likes to express Himself in the panoptically ironic semantics of patriarchal exclusion using Tzvetan Todorov's absolutely intersubjective formalism. The Bible would have been six times as long, except that the moderators got to it."

"Of course He doesn't really exist, but if He did, He would definitely be a learned Professor of Zoology, and His Kingdom would be in Oxford. By the way, did I ever mention that I really hate Catholics?"

Plans for the 2015 Synod

We are privileged today to print an interview with Pope Francis. As is usual with papal interviews, no record was taken at the time, so it is being reported from memory. Moreover, my Spanish and Italian are rather weak, while the Pope's English and Latin are even weaker, so it is not clear that either of us knew exactly what the other was talking about.

Oh ****! It all went wrong!

Eccles: So, Holy Father, in the words of the blessed Paul Priest, the 2014 synod was a complete farce, wasn't it?

Francis: Yes, we'll have to do better next year. I tried to manipulate the synod so that it would decide what I wanted, but in the end my more traditional cardinals ganged up on me. Well, I won't stand for it next year! I'm having all the locks changed, for one thing, and the Swiss Guards have orders to shoot Burke, Pell, Müller, Napier, etc. on sight if they try to climb in through the window.

Eccles: So, will Cardinal Kasper be running things again?

Francis: Well, if possible. By doubling his medication we may be able to stop him singing "I talk to the trees, that's why they put me away" during Mass. Also, we can lock him in his room at night to stop him wandering round the Vatican biting people in the neck. But it's not easy to make him appear normal.

"I shall deny that this interview ever took place."

Eccles: Any "new blood" appointments to the 2015 Synod?

Francis: Yes, seeing their reports on this year's synod, I am going to invite some journalists along - perhaps Austin Ivereigh, Cristina Odone and Fr Thomas Reese SJ. I was very impressed with their new ideas of what Catholicism should be about, especially my Jesuit friend - no unwanted "holiness" about him, just simple secular liberalism!

Eccles: Now, turning to the 2015 Synod itself, what decisions have you decided that it will make?

Francis: Well, we need to write a clause about our love for homosexuals, of course. I have asked Vincent Nichols to draft something, and it will be along the lines of "We believe that you gays are lovable, fluffy people, with good taste, great dress sense and a natural charm. Please come to our Masses, and bring your friends with us. We love you all, and want to get to know you - although not in the Biblical sense, ha ha, as we don't use that book any longer."

Making Genesis gay-friendly.

Eccles: And how about the divorced and remarried?

Francis: We've agonized over that, and decided that in the end the sacrament of marriage isn't really worth the effort. As Jesus Himself said to the Samaritan woman, "You have had five husbands, and that old dirty old lecher drunk in the armchair at home isn't your husband. He's the local bishop! But that's just fine by me!" See? Problem solved!

The local bishop.

Eccles: Will Cardinal Dolan be attending?

Francis: Alas, no, it clashes with a Gay Pride march in New York; they've appointed him Supreme Obese Grandmaster of St Paddy's Rainbow Chasuble, so he can hardly refuse to attend.

Eccles: Holy Father, thank you for being so frank with us. It's great to see that the traditions of the Catholic Church are in such safe hands. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes, eh?

Francis: Er, about half past three, I think. Bye, Eccles!

Bad hymns 19

Today the judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn Award are looking at another unusual hymn. This one is apparently recommended for use on the occasion of the death of a public figure - at least, by nine out of ten munchkins, the BBC, and also George "Respect" Galloway. It is Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead, and we are honoured to have the author, Edgar Yipsel Harburg, with us to discuss it.

I turned George Galloway into a toad and no-one noticed.

EYH: Just call me "Yip," Eccles.

E: Yup. Now, explain this hymn to me, as it's not one I've come across - although my friend Fr Arthur, a liberal priest in good standing, uses it at funerals occasionally if he feels that the deceased did not meet his high standards. Is it a bit like Ding-Dong, merrily on high?

EYH: Well, not really. In fact it originated in The Wizard of Oz, although like My Way it is sometimes chosen for funerals. At least, if the deceased was controversial in some circles.

E: Ding-Dong! The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch! Ding-Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead.

EYH: Music by Paul Inwood. Only joking... it was Harold Arlen.

E: It's too spiritual for Paul Inwood, Yip, take it from me. Now, I think I get your meaning here: we are all miserable sinners, but it is only proper to ring the passing-bell as we depart this world?

He went and told the sexton, and the sexton tolled the bell - Thomas Hood.

EYH: I hadn't thought of it that way, Eccles. You may prefer another hymn I wrote, about the promise of Heaven: Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, there's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby.

Somewhere, over the rainbow...

E: Not sure where the rainbows fit into contemporary theology, but I expect that some people do sing that one at funerals. They probably also sing We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz.

EYP: We're off to see the Wizard was sung at the funeral of Lloyd George, the so-called "Welsh Wizard." My father knew him.

The Welsh Wizard.

E: Well thanks, Yip, I'm still mystified about the context for this hymn: did George Galloway sing "Ding-Dong" at his mother's funeral? Will any other politicians get a state "Ding-Dong"?

EYH: Look, Eccles, can we forget this silly song?

E: How can we? Kevin Mayhew Limited want to put it in their new edition of Catholic hymns for the dangerously insane. Still, thanks for coming along, Yip. Your way home is easy - just follow the yellow brick road.

---

Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.    Our god reigns.
My way.