This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 27 November 2019

"Possession of giant killer bees is sinful," says Pope

Following Pope Francis's comments that the possession of nuclear missiles is sinful, Catholics have rushed to destroy any that they might have at home, beating their swords into ploughshares, and their warheads into highly radioactive idols of Pachamama.

Furthermore, Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, Boris Johnson, Xi Jinping and other world leaders have promised to decommission their nuclear weapons as soon as possible.

Death Star

The Death Star - unlikely to make it into the catechism.

Said Boris, "Crikey! It's a good job that we're still allowed to use laser death rays, 'Satan bug' killer viruses, deadly nerve gas, and cyanide in the water supply. Otherwise those Russian and Chinese chappies would be all over us!"

It is not clear exactly what the wording of the catechism will be. Possibly the change will be preceded by an apostolic exhortation Armorum Laetitia - the joy of weapons - in which an obscure footnote will explain that those living in sin with nuclear weapons will still be admitted to communion after a process of accompaniment.

Killer bee

A new threat to mankind?

Meanwhile, the Pope is now turning his attention to Giant Killer Bees, which are already banned by the Geneva convention. It would be unthinkable to proscribe nuclear weapons in the catechism, while still allowing such deadly creatures to wipe out the free world (or even the non-free world, for that matter).

Pope Francis of course has no need of weapons of mass destruction. When he took over the Sovereign Order of Malta, it was a bloodless coup, and although Fra' Matthew Festing, in retirement, checks his bed every night for giant spiders, he has so far found none.


Beware the giant killer spidero!


  1. Inspired by the bloodless coup of Francis the Maltese Falcon, Chairman Xi Jinping Jack Flash is going for the nuclear option: his intention to oust the pope ex Cathedra.

    “This is the opportune time to co-opt the papacy,” explains J.J. Flash. “I already rule the Chi-Com Church so why not go universal? Especially since being Catholic is no longer a prerequisite for being pope.”

  2. Iran had better hurry up and develop the nuclear weapons so they can abolish them...