This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday 2 May 2024

The six Eccles laws

Spending 23 hours per day on Twitter has enabled me to appreciate some fundamental truths, which need to be recognised more widely. This post is less spiritually nourishing than some, but I'll do my best.

1. Actors have nothing intelligent to say if they are not given a script, and often not even then.

Brian Cox

Socialist actor Brian Cox calls the Bible 'one of the worst books ever' and says 'the theatre' is the 'one true church'.

2. Never click on anything described as "hilarious". It will just be mildly amusing.

A few from the Daily Mail to illustrate my point. Would you really bother with any of these?

Spilling the dirt! Hilarious moment man covers himself in soil after wheelbarrow tips over.

Plane passenger reveals his hilarious take on what your seat selection means about your journey.

We're live, guys! Hilarious moment BBC's Chris Mason realises he's standing in the wrong spot at start of live News at Six broadcast.

3. All those in positions of power in the 1960s were stark staring bonkers.

Well, you may be thinking of Beeching closing the railways, Vatican II doing untold damage to the Catholic Church, and almost any 1960s architecture:

St Horten in Ahaus

St Horten in Ahaus, Germany. Before and after.

4. "Could" is journalese for "won't".

There are many variations on this, e.g. "explains" is journalese for "guesses".

too cold

We're doomed, do you hear me? Doomed!

Another example:

too hot

There's more than one way of being doomed.

5. Anyone with pronouns in their profile is bonkers.

I think the non-binaries are the most bonkers, but kids these days are always trying to attract attention, and asking to be referred to as "whee/whoosh" or whatever is probably less of a public nuisance than breaking windows.

6. Finally, applicable to religion and politics: those who rant and rage are usually wrong: those who can laugh and joke are generally right.

Rather than posting yet another picture of Pope Francis or Austen Ivereigh throwing a wobbly, let's be synodal (hmm... I feel another Eccles law coming on here...).


Nobody sensible actually enjoys synods.


  1. Dear Eccles.

    Reference your mention of Beeching: I remember a television interview of Beeching in the late-1960s, when he was being severely castigated, lambasted, and lampooned, by a very censorious interviewer, for his outrageous, stupid, and maniacal destruction of a hundred years of British Railways infrastructure that had linked communities, villages, towns, cities, all over the Kingdom.

    He studiously avoided eye contact with the interviewer and, after a long silence, mumbled the following:

    “I was only following orders”.

    We've heard that one before, haven't we ?

  2. Most bonkers of all: the only rule is that there are no rules.