How to be a saintly pope

Over the last twelve years we have written many articles giving advice on "How to be a good pope", suitable for those of our readers who may one day be slapped in the face and told "Hey, you've been elected pope! Come on, sober up, get this white coat on, and step out onto the balcony!"

Still, all good things must come to an end and eventually you will "pass", as the Americans call it, or "kick the bucket, shuffle off the mortal coil, run down the curtain and join the choir invisible" in the British idiom. So, all that remains is to get canonized!

This is the image you want - none of that Hieronymus Bosch stuff!

Of course, not all popes get canonized. For every John XXIII or Paul VI who gets the white halo for turning up at Vatican II, there's a Leo XIII or Pius XII who just doesn't make the cut. (Personally, I am going for a sort of Carlo Acutis canonization, based on the quality of my blog, but that will have to wait a while yet.)

So what can you do to improve your chances of sycophantic praise from a man in an ivereigh tower? Here are a few rules.

1. Get yourself a title, like "Pope Fred the Humble", or "Pope Fred the Merciful". DO NOT get a title such as "Pope Fred the Heretic" or "Pope Fred the Bad-tempered".

2. Produce a string of immortal documents with titles like "Amorous Letitia" and "Trads Crushed" or even "Fiddling the Supplies" (an homage to Cardinal Becciu). You will at least be remembered.

3. Encourage a gollum-like creature to write numerous hagiographies while you are still alive. "Pope Fred the Great Redeemer". "The Lonely Goatherd", etc. He is bound to continue writing his stuff even after you die, with titles like "St Pope Fred's message to the world", "My life with St Pope Fred", and so on.

A good try, but you're not an angel, and you don't sniff volatile solvents.

4. Surround yourself with interesting people - R*pn*k, Z*nch*tta, P*r*lin, Fern*nd*z, R*che... so that you look good in comparison.

5. Appoint lots of bizarre people as cardinals, so that your "legacy" is assured when the next conclave is held. Good places to find these are prisons, mental homes, and Jesuit communities.

6. Organize synods - these keep the trouble-makers off your back, and if you give one a vague title like "Synod on synodismatic synodality" nobody will realise that it is a waste of time until it has been going for three years.

7. Show that you are a pope: not for the Catholic Church - anyone can do that - but for the whole world!

A pope for the whole world!

Follow this advice, and your halo is assured!