The World Cup of Controversial Saints

The results are at the end of this post.

Let's get one thing straight before we start. Once someone is canonized, it is up to Catholics (at least) to accept that this is an infallible decision. So we are not talking about people you want to de-canonize, but rather about those whose canonization has at some time been questioned. Possibly for one of the following reasons:

1. They may never have existed.

2. It was too soon, and their case was not properly examined.

3. They were at some time accused of heresy or blasphemy.

And so on. So if you are taking part in the Twitter/X poll, you may wish to think of saints you are least likely to call upon; these are not the saints who are in Heaven but sitting in the back row or behind a pillar (such places are occupied by those who are so far only Beatified).

The Plains of Heaven, by John Martin.

Here is my list so far, received from various sources. Further nominations welcome, preferably with evidence that someone didn't think they should be canonized.

Carlo Acutis
Christopher
Conus
Edith Stein
Faustina Kawalska
John Henry Newman
Josemaría Escrivá
Junípero Serra
King Louis IX of France
Maximilian Kolbe
Mother Teresa
Oscar Romero
Philomena
Pope Celestine V
Pope Gregory VII
Pope John XXIII
Pope John-Paul II
Pope Paul VI
Thomas Aquinas
Thomas More

I repeat, this is NOT an invitation to slag off saints. And my personal views don't enter here. We'll start the World Cup soon after the World Cup of Ugly Churches ends.

The Plains of Hell, by James Martin.

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The super-sixes were as follows:

Oscar Romero 32.3% -- Josemaría Escrivá 8.3% -- Pope Paul VI 59.4%

Pope John XXIII 53.6% -- Henry II, Holy Roman Emperor 21.7% -- Carlo Acutis 24.7%

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Third place playoff

Oscar Romero 69.1 v Carlo Acutis 30.9

Bronze gets an Oscar! I mean, Oscar gets the Bronze.

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FINAL

Pope Paul VI 59.5 v Pope John XXIII 40.5

In this Vatican II finale, Paul gets the gold medal, and John the silver.

"Congratulations, but I didn't really want the gold medal, anyway."

How to be a saintly pope

Over the last twelve years we have written many articles giving advice on "How to be a good pope", suitable for those of our readers who may one day be slapped in the face and told "Hey, you've been elected pope! Come on, sober up, get this white coat on, and step out onto the balcony!"

Still, all good things must come to an end and eventually you will "pass", as the Americans call it, or "kick the bucket, shuffle off the mortal coil, run down the curtain and join the choir invisible" in the British idiom. So, all that remains is to get canonized!

This is the image you want - none of that Hieronymus Bosch stuff!

Of course, not all popes get canonized. For every John XXIII or Paul VI who gets the white halo for turning up at Vatican II, there's a Leo XIII or Pius XII who just doesn't make the cut. (Personally, I am going for a sort of Carlo Acutis canonization, based on the quality of my blog, but that will have to wait a while yet.)

So what can you do to improve your chances of sycophantic praise from a man in an ivereigh tower? Here are a few rules.

1. Get yourself a title, like "Pope Fred the Humble", or "Pope Fred the Merciful". DO NOT get a title such as "Pope Fred the Heretic" or "Pope Fred the Bad-tempered".

2. Produce a string of immortal documents with titles like "Amorous Letitia" and "Trads Crushed" or even "Fiddling the Supplies" (an homage to Cardinal Becciu). You will at least be remembered.

3. Encourage a gollum-like creature to write numerous hagiographies while you are still alive. "Pope Fred the Great Redeemer". "The Lonely Goatherd", etc. He is bound to continue writing his stuff even after you die, with titles like "St Pope Fred's message to the world", "My life with St Pope Fred", and so on.

A good try, but you're not an angel, and you don't sniff volatile solvents.

4. Surround yourself with interesting people - R*pn*k, Z*nch*tta, P*r*lin, Fern*nd*z, R*che... so that you look good in comparison.

5. Appoint lots of bizarre people as cardinals, so that your "legacy" is assured when the next conclave is held. Good places to find these are prisons, mental homes, and Jesuit communities.

6. Organize synods - these keep the trouble-makers off your back, and if you give one a vague title like "Synod on synodismatic synodality" nobody will realise that it is a waste of time until it has been going for three years.

7. Show that you are a pope: not for the Catholic Church - anyone can do that - but for the whole world!

A pope for the whole world!

Follow this advice, and your halo is assured!

Pope Francis wins a medal

As he comes to the end of his term as president, Joe Biden has decided to give Presidential medals of Freedom to all his best friends: Bono, Hillary Clinton, George Soros, ten people who tried to shoot or at least lock up Donald Trump, Darth Vader, the Emperor Dalek, The Joker, Riddler and Penguin, etc. etc. and last but not least Pope Francis.

The citation for Pope Francis mentioned his humility, his mercy, his synodality, his tolerance of Catholics of all flavours - from the most rigid TLM-aficiando all the way down to those who thought the whole thing was a bit of a joke and really supported Planned Parenthood.

It is believed that Biden will soon be honouring other prominent Catholics, such as Uncle Ted McCarrick and Fr Marko Rupnik.

"We're going to need a longer ribbon, Mr Soros."

Now that Joe and Francis are best mates, the Holy Father has decided to respond by canonizing the president Santo Subito, even though such honours are usually reserved for dead people - not just brain-dead people - and would not normally be conferred this quickly unless the holy person had produced a good website (so Leo XIII, Thomas à Kempis, Pius XII and G.K. Chesterton will have to wait a few hundred years more).

"Here's your halo. We're making you the patron saint of ice cream."