Primate gathering in Canterbury

Over now to the Anglican Communion, where the news is that Canterbury will be hosting the long-awaited gathering of primates. Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury, is representing the humans, but - the Anglicans being a very broad church - we shall also see baboons, gorillas, chimpanzees, etc. taking part. There will also be a guest keynote speech from King Küng the dissident Catholic.

Veneration of relics, from the last gathering in 2001

The meeting is expected to be very controversial, with disagreement on a variety of topics. For example, vestments: only the human clergy tend to wear clothes in church, but that is because (with the exception of Rowan Williams) they are not entirely covered in fur. Also, consider the case of Katharine Jefferts Schori. She wears the worst vestments you've ever seen outside a clown act in the circus, but the prospect of her stripping off is even more terrifying.

Keep them on, Kathy!

Another issue is bananas. No, nothing to do with the views of Giles Fraser (who accidentally wrote something sensible recently), but the fruit. Many primates find it hard to obtain bread and wine, and would prefer bananas as an alternative for Communion.

Then there's swinging from the beams, while scratching oneself under the arms. For many primates this is an acceptable form of worship, but for conservative Anglicans it may be a liturgical dance too far.

More tea, vicar?

Then there is the liturgy. Could it not be reduced to a simple "Oook!"? The Catholic Paul Inwood has offered to produce a chant "Alleluia, oook, oook!" in the interests of ecumenical understanding.

Indeed, the Vatican itself has been very much involved in Primates 2016, lending St Gregory's crozier to the Church of England for the occasion (also, as it happens, Canterbury Cathedral, which has been on loan on and off since 1536).

The Vatican marks the primate gathering

Good luck, chaps! Oook oook oook!

Canterbury and Liverpool, the Eternal Cities

Various parts of the United Kingdom are thinking about becoming independent in the near future: Scotland, with the hard-hitting slogan "It's Scotch Whisky"; Cornwall ("They're Cornish pasties!"); Yorkshire ("They're Yorkshire's Puddings!"); and even Eccles ("Hands off our cakes!").

None of these areas is particularly holy - with the possible exception of Eccles - and thus the English Church has decided to follow the Vatican model, and find an autonomous base of its own. Canterbury was the obvious location, and this will now become a separate country, to be referred to as Anglican State, with the current archbishop, Justin Welby, taking the title "Pope Justin".

One of the sacred books of the Anglican faith.

In fact, it was thought for a while that Liverpool might be a more suitable site for Anglican State, since it does at least have one cathedral that was not originally built by Catholics: it's the one that actually looks like a cathedral. However, moving to a city that names its airport after a pop singer was too silly even for the Church of England. Moreover, the Queen, as supreme governor of Anglican State, has refused to move to Merseyside, because - as she complains - they'll never let her walk alone.

An Anglican cathedral not built by Catholics.

It is hoped that the establishment of Anglican State will make some of the governance of the Anglican Church run more smoothly. For example, in the Catholic Church it takes a week to appoint a new pope (but two years to appoint a new bishop, because they need to be sure to appoint one who has saintly qualities). The Church of England, on the other hand, took about a year to find someone who wasn't John Sentamu was both deeply spiritual and the sort of experienced businessman of whom Christ would have approved.

Digression: the Church of England Human Resources people insist that aspiring archbishops undergo a gruelling series of psychological tests. Here's an example:

The reigning monarch says you are "turbulent". Do you:
(a) Go into the cathedral to pray?
(b) Buy yourself a stab-proof vest to wear under your cassock?
(c) Apologise and hope for the best?
(d) Book a quick pilgrimage to the Holy Land?

It is thought that the popes of the Vatican and Anglican will have good diplomatic relations. Here they are, comparing notes about who has the funniest rebels in his flock.

"... as the ACTAs said to the bishop!"

Late news: Seeing that Liverpool has been rejected as a site for the Anglican City Richard Dawkins has determined to set up a new atheist republic, Dawkin City, in the Liverpool suburb of Knotty Ash, with himself as Pope Richard. He has even written a national anthem, which will be sung by his people whenever he makes a ceremonial appearance:

We are the Dawky Men, 
Dawkins' little Dawky Men, 
We are the Dawky Men 
Who come from Knotty Ash!

The Dawky Men.