Primate gathering in Canterbury

Over now to the Anglican Communion, where the news is that Canterbury will be hosting the long-awaited gathering of primates. Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury, is representing the humans, but - the Anglicans being a very broad church - we shall also see baboons, gorillas, chimpanzees, etc. taking part. There will also be a guest keynote speech from King Küng the dissident Catholic.

Veneration of relics, from the last gathering in 2001

The meeting is expected to be very controversial, with disagreement on a variety of topics. For example, vestments: only the human clergy tend to wear clothes in church, but that is because (with the exception of Rowan Williams) they are not entirely covered in fur. Also, consider the case of Katharine Jefferts Schori. She wears the worst vestments you've ever seen outside a clown act in the circus, but the prospect of her stripping off is even more terrifying.

Keep them on, Kathy!

Another issue is bananas. No, nothing to do with the views of Giles Fraser (who accidentally wrote something sensible recently), but the fruit. Many primates find it hard to obtain bread and wine, and would prefer bananas as an alternative for Communion.

Then there's swinging from the beams, while scratching oneself under the arms. For many primates this is an acceptable form of worship, but for conservative Anglicans it may be a liturgical dance too far.

More tea, vicar?

Then there is the liturgy. Could it not be reduced to a simple "Oook!"? The Catholic Paul Inwood has offered to produce a chant "Alleluia, oook, oook!" in the interests of ecumenical understanding.

Indeed, the Vatican itself has been very much involved in Primates 2016, lending St Gregory's crozier to the Church of England for the occasion (also, as it happens, Canterbury Cathedral, which has been on loan on and off since 1536).

The Vatican marks the primate gathering

Good luck, chaps! Oook oook oook!

Archbishop suddenly discovers sin

It's not been a good weekend for the Archbishop of Canterbury. Not only has his video nasty "The Lord's Prayer" been banned in cinemas, as already recorded, but he has suddenly been introduced to the notion of sin.

Specifically, he said that the recent terrorist murders in Paris led him to ask God where He was.

The three wise primates - see no evil, etc.

It is unusual for a man to reach the rank of archbishop without knowing that there is an inexhaustible well of evil in the world, but it can happen. As His Grace explains, "In the oil industry, where I began my career, there were very few acts of violence, unless you count the great Esso-Shell-Texaco gang warfare of the 1980s. The Church of England, where I am now, is full of people who believe themselves to be totally without sin, and they're probably right. Admittedly, we have this thing called 'General Confession', but it's so vague as to be meaningless. 'Erred and strayed from thy ways like lost sheep'? Doesn't sound too bad, does it?"

More tea, Justin? Eccles educates an archbishop.

We pointed out to Archbishop Welby that people had been murdering each other ever since the days of Cain and Abel, not to mention the great massacres of the Reformation, and a few (alleged) sinners in the 20th century such as Hitler, Stalin and Mao. "Oh, they must have slipped my mind," he admitted.

We then pointed out that one of the reasons that Jesus came into the world, apart from amusing Himself by turning water into wine and making large quantities of fish sandwiches, was to bear the sins of the world. This struck the archbishop as a brilliantly original theory: "You mean that my whole job is based on the fact that there is evil in the world?" he asked. "Well, well, I never thought of that one. You've really taught me a thing or two, Eccles!"

The Archbishop was startled when we told him that Christians were being martyred in the Middle East.

We planned to conclude our little chat with a prayer together, namely, "Our Father", which also mentions sins, but, out of consideration for the feelings of the National Secular Society, we decided not to do anything so controversial.