Novus Ordo Cricket

With apologies to non-Cricketians who may worship the ball that is base, or even subscribe to one of the many cults of the ball called foot.

Following the 1960s Vatican II reforms, the Cricketic Church introduced a Novus Ordo form of its service, which upset many traditionalist worshippers.

Novus Ordo cricket. Note the unusual liturgical vestments.

In the Tridentine form of the service (named after the Council of Trent Bridge), worship was often not deemed to be completed until a "testing" period of 5 days of prayer (or Quinquena) had elapsed.

Father Shepherd knew the correct liturgical gestures.

Typically, the prayers varied over the five days, perhaps along the following lines:

Day 1: Australia batting well. A prayer that the Lord may aid 
his servants Anderson, Swann, and the other bowlers. 
Day 2: Australia declares: Ite. Inningus est, and England bats.
A prayer that the Lord may sustain Cook, Trott, and the
other batsmen.
Day 3: England batting collapses (this is traditional). Readings 
from the book of Job.
Day 4: Australia bats again. A prayer for rain.
Day 5: England, set 947 to win, manage 111 all out. A requiem 
mass for English cricket, including the burning of bails. Ashes 
to ashes...

The veneration of relics is an important part of the Tridentine game.

However, in the Novus Ordo service, some of the dignity and reverence shown in the Tridentine form simply disappeared. The wise theological advice, dig thou in, lad, just stay there for a few days, don't try to score any runs, found in the Gospel of St Geoffrey of Boycott, was replaced by an undignified scramble, as the whole service was rushed through in a matter of hours.

Liturgical dancing - what next?

Still there are hopeful signs for the future, as the Tridentine form of the game is still permitted, and a new generation of worshippers is favouring it. Curiously, some of the Latin terminology used in the older form of the game persists, and even the Novus Ordo service includes phrases such as Howzat? (Latin for "Hath he not transgressed?")

The Lord's temple - pavilioned in splendour and girded with praise.

Finally, whether or not they prefer the Ordinary Form or the Extraordinary Form of the game, Cricketics everywhere will treasure the words of Ezekiel 41:24: And in the two doors on both sides were two little doors, which were folded within each other: for there were two wickets on both sides of the doors.

St Geoffrey of Boycott smites the ungodly.

Catholic Dilemmas

Is it wrong to use an iPad in church? When I took it out to catch up on the cricket score during the sermon, someone behind me tutted loudly.

He striketh them as wicked men in the open sight of others. Job 34:26.

Nowadays it is considered permissible to use an iPad to read the scriptures or the liturgy, provided that you don't annoy your neighbours with bright lights, etc. (Try not to use a Tablet, as it isn't considered to be very Catholic.) We understand that the sermon you missed was a fascinating meditation on the sixteen sacred documents of Vatican II, together with a recently-discovered 17th document Decree concerning the sacred pastoral dogmatic constitution on the apostolate of the renewal of priestly mission through the divine ministry of the ecumenical activity of social communication with the laity. It beats anything you'll find in the Bible, you must agree.

The Good David Shepherd.

That aside, lifting one leg up into the air when the score reaches 111 (Nelson) is a mere cricketers' superstition, and you should have known better than to do it when the priest said "Lift up your hearts."

I asked Father Christmas for an iPad, but instead he brought me three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. Are any of these permissible accessories in church?

The iPart in a pear tree.

Well, not really, although they might supplement the choir, which is having some trouble with that latest Paul Inwood chant, "Alleluia, cluck, cluck!" However, we do try to discourage worshippers from bringing their presents along to Mass. Our own deacon managed to disgrace himself this week, taking out his new electric razor for a quick shave during a moment when we were supposed to be praying silently. "Jeshush shaves," he said, and then fell over. I think he's been overworking.

The tongue deviseth mischiefs; like a sharp razor, working deceitfully. Psalm 52:2.

When the priest said "Let us offer each other the sign of peace," my neighbour pinched me on the bottom. Is this what they mean by "some other appropriate gesture?"

Well, it's very much the done thing in Italy and Spain, and indeed, you might be offended if they didn't offer you such a courtesy. However, the further north you go, the less acceptable such gestures become. In Brighton, they kiss each other and go "Mwah! Darling!" In Croydon, they rub noses.

The Brontë sisters - too far north for inappropriate gestures.

But by the time you get to northern wastelands such as Lancashire and Yorkshire, folding the arms and saying "Aye, lass!" is considered to be the limit to which intimacy can go.