Christian Values from David Cameron

As pointed out by the blogger Cranmer, David Cameron finally managed to come up with an Easter message this year - the No 10 website didn't manage one last year, just messages for Passover, Ramadan, Diwali, the Jedis' May the Fourth (be with you), the Flying Spaghetti Monster Pasta Sauce Festival, Beelezebub's Wedding Anniversary, Zeus's Great Feast, Thor's Jolly Smiting Day, The Giant Fish's Finny Festival, Baalmass, Ed Balls Day, and a few other non-Christian religious feasts of importance in our truly diverse society.

Something to do with Easter, surely.

Unfortunately, Cameron rather bungled it this year by not actually mentioning the Resurrection, but simply waffling on about Christian values, which are apparently "responsibility, hard work, charity, compassion and pride in working for the common good and honouring the social obligations we have to one another, to our families and our communities." Which are wonderful values, but not exclusively Christian.

Dave has now come up with a more profound list of Christian values, which he will mention in a greeting at Christmas. These include:

Brushing your teeth after meals;
Changing your socks daily;
Having a bath once a month whether you need it or not;
Helping little old ladies across the road, whether they want it or not;
Fastening your seat-belt in the car;
Voting to remain in the EU;
Supporting same-sex marriage.

After all, Christ and the disciples spoke of little else, did they?

"Blessed are ye if ye eat five portions of fruit and vegetables each day."

Meanwhile, I've been studying the Catholic list of corporal works of mercy in order to get further ideas. I'm not very good at most of them, but "Bury the Dead" is one where I do score highly: when my aunt poisoned a couple of visiting Jehovah's Witnesses last week, I got them underground before anyone could ask any embarrassing questions. However, in general I'm better at the spiritual works of mercy, which include shouting "heretic" at my neighbours.

Remember: Jehovah's Witnesses are best in acid soils, political canvassers in alkaline.

I hope this helps, Dave.

The secret life of Anti Moly

Dis aint my usual blogg, a nice man called James Thurber has sent me a story.

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Anti Moly was walkin frew de streets of Pottymouth wiv her nehpew Eccles. As dey passed a gruop of old ladies chattin, Eccles heard one of dem say "Dat's old Moly walkin' past. Did you ever hear tell of her grandfarver, de biggest roggue in Pottymouth wot was never hung?"...

It was 1890, and "Ned" Haddock, self-educated sheep-shearer, brain surgeon, miner and rocket scientist was retiring from the position of King, Supreme Warlord and Honorary God of Easter Island. "Don't leave us, great Lord!" said his Prime Minister. "All we will have is a few statues to remember you by..."

Anti Moly shook off dis reverrie and sang a few sad bars of "Waltzing Mattilda" to herself. A window openned above her, dere was a cry of "I'll skin dat bloody cat!" and a bukcet of dirty water was tiped over her...

It was the Last Night of Molybdenite's six-month season at the Pottymouth Promenade Concerts. Little Moly, only 6 years old, had played virtuoso piano music by Beethoven, Liszt, and Rachmaninov - striking the keys with her feet in order to make it even more challenging. She had also conducted three new didgeridoo concertos of her own composition, and then sung tragic Australian ballads for a further six hours, until there wasn't a dry eye in the house. The audience went crazy, waving flags and cheering...

As Moly's day dreem ended, she carried on wiv her walk, and approached an affleunt-looking busnessman walking wiv his wife. He dived into a nearby shop enntrance, draggin his wife after him, and mutterin "It's that dreddful woman wot used to be a cleener in our facktory. I hope she aint seen us."...

The first ever female chief executive of the Pottymouth Molybdenite Corporation was presenting the accounts to the share-holders' meeting. "Thanks to a new process I discovered for extracting molybdenite ore, six new processes for transforming it into valuable raw materials, and fifteen new electronic devices that I invented which only function thanks to our products, I am happy to say that this year our profits were slightly in excess of the Gross Domestic Product of Germany." There was a rapturous ovation, as she pulled back a curtain to show them the company's assets...

Moly and Eccles came back home, where a baby possum was jumpin up and down on de roof. "You orta do somefink about dat, Anti," said her loyyal nehpew...

"Crocodile" Moly, the legendary big game huntress, was facing her most difficult challenge yet. Ahead of her lay a river containing six crocodiles, behind her a pack of dingos, to her left a herd of ravenous wallabies, and to her right an army of traddy Catholic sockpuppets. Armed only with a pea-shooter and a water-pistol, would she ever escape alive?