Extreme Catholicism

Adapted from Katherine Denkinson's piece about Extreme Catholicism. We read it so you don't have to - you'd probably need a subscription anyway.

Jacob Rees-Mogg is a holier-than-thou [good phrase, eh?] Catholic of the extreme right. For example, his sons are named after saints! [Oops, I seem to be named after a saint too. Let's move on.]

The Two Minutes Hate begins at 11.00.

What else does this hard-right Catholic do? Ah yes, he wishes people a Happy Christmas or a Happy Easter, in order to show how holy he is. Nobody ever wishes ME Happy Christmas, although, taking inspiration from A.A. Milne, I do have a shelf full of cards that I have sent myself! But I would never wish anyone Happy Easter, just in case they mistook me for a hard-right fascist Catholic!

So stop harassing people on Twitter by posting "Happy Easter" messages!

I have reported this as a hate crime.

Then Mogg votes against LGBTQSJ marriage, which has been a traditional way of life for the human race ever since the time of, er, the patriarch David Cameron. He opposes abortion too. Are there no limits to this man's holier-than-thou [spits] Catholicism?

Enough, Jacob! We know that you are a Catholic, you don't have to keep telling us by actually believing any of that stuff. Don't give us any of St Paul's Old Testament pearl-clutching horrors! [good phrase, eh?]

Phew! Do you know what he has done now? He has disagreed with the Archbishop of Canterbury's Easter message! Justin Wobbly knows that the true message of Easter is nothing to do with Jesus being born in a manger [memo, check what Catholics actually believe] but can be summarised in four words: BORIS BAD, KEIR GOOD! That's why the holy man (but definitely not holier-than-thou) preached a sermon about sending frightened refugees, fleeing the horrors of, er, France, to Rwanda rather than the Savoy hotel in London - or even the Ritz.

"If Jesus had existed he would have voted Labour."

I could go on. In fact I am a few lines short, so I'd better keep ranting.

Ah yes, he doesn't like Black Lives Matter, that harmless organization which has done so much to make its members richer by looting and arson. Also he is part of a "War on Woke" - struggling in a hard-right manner to resist Critical Race Theory, the decolonization of teaching (2+2=4 is RACIST), and all the rest.

I think I've said enough. Jacob Rees-Mogg is LITERALLY Torquemada, burning people who refuse to send Christmas cards in April, and persecuting anyone who doesn't attend the Traditional Latin Mass [not sure what this is, but I think it's something to do with being nasty to people in Latin]. Don't trust his friendly Easter greetings!!

Dead people don't come back to life

Today we have another guest post from Alice in Wonderland (age 11) of St Humanist's School, Birmingham. In January she explained very persuasively that Miracles are just a bit unlikely, and now she has an Easter message for us (or possibly a Good Friday message, she wasn't sure which was which).

Dead people don't come back to life.

Some people (like Fr Chasuble our school chaplain) will tell you that Good Friday is all about someone rising from the dead. But it isn't possible. IT ISN'T, IT ISN'T, IT ISN'T!!! Top marks for rhetoric, here, Alice - J. Eccles SJ (teacher). As a scientist, I tested this by experiment. So Auntie Doris has been sitting in the living room ever since she died 3 years ago. This proves that Christianity is bunk. QED.

There are other aspects about the passion narrative - I thought passion was a fruit, but Fr Chasuble says it's what we call the bits at the end of the gospels - that a trained scientist like me (We remember your detention for making hydrogen sulphide in the school toilets! J.E.) can easily refute. There's a bit about Peter (a famous person in the Bible) cutting off someone's ear and Jesus (another famous person) sticking it back on again. WELL, I TRIED THAT AND IT DOESN'T WORK. Mrs Van Gogh the school cook is very cross too!!! Marks for initiative, here, Alice! J.E.

Ear today, gone tomorrow (special joke by Alice!)

But let's get back to the big question. Fr Chasuble tells me that Easter is very important to Christians, although the Bible misses out the really important bits about bunny rabbits and eggs. So if dead people don't come back to life - as I have proved (QED) - then we can tell all those learned doctors of the church: St Thomas Augustine, St Basil the Fawlty, St Albert Mangus, ect. to pack it in.

Tomorrow I am going to Battley where lots of Muslims are hanging round a school trying to sell pictures of Mohammed. Won't they be surprised when I tell them that their sacred book the Michel Coren wasn't dictated by some supernatural God but was all made up! Have a good trip, Alice! J.E.

Cardinal Pell is back!

Haters of the Catholic Church were up in arms today, after the news that the High Court of Australia had unanimously quashed Cardinal Pell's conviction for crimes that were physically impossible.

Cardinal Pell walks free.

"It's a sad day for Australian justice, if judges are going to start looking at the evidence, rather than simply saying 'He's a Catholic, he must be guilty,'" said one critic.

Another was equally outspoken. "A principle of Australian law is that we recruit judges and juries from all walks of life - the insane, the drunk, the stupid, the bigoted, and the crooked. What is the world coming to if we allow the case to be decided by seven judges who can spot that witnesses are making up silly stories that don't even make sense?"

"We sentence Cardinal Pell to have custard poured down his trousers."

Said one of the original jury that convicted Cardinal Pell: "Durrrr, I talk to the trees, that's why they take me away..." Another added, "I'm a teapot, you know."

As Pell walked free today, he commented "Oh no, not again!" on being told that he was now under "lock down" to avoid the spread of the Coronavirus. However, in his new cell he can at least say Mass, and is allowed to pray without being interrupted with cries of "What do you think you're doing, cobber? Get off your knees, you 'orrible little man!"

Meanwhile, there is panic in the Vatican at the news that PELL IS BACK - AND HE'S ANGRY. As George Pell was finally prepared to sort out those Vatican finances, there were a rush to the computers to delete incriminating files, a bonfire of receipts and invoices, and sounds of Cardinals practising the magic phrase "The money was just resting in my account, ready to be moved on."

Pope Francis confuses the issue by writing a cheque on a cricket bat.

Late news: there will be an even better miracle this Sunday when Someone who was dead returns and causes severe embarrassment to the wicked. No spoilers!

What do you know about Christmas?

Our attention has been drawn by Archdruid Eileen to an article showing that 9 out of 10 Independent journalists know nothing about Christmas.

The problem, of course is that 99% of them haven't been in a church for more than 20 years ("Is it that big building with the minarets?") and 85% of them have never spoken to a Christian ("They're the ones in the turbans, aren't they?")

This is probably not a church.

Although we haven't even got to the 2nd Sunday in Advent, it was clear to the Independent editor that we must already be on about the 35th Day of Christmas, which traditionally starts when Bonfire Night is over, and it was time for a "What we don't know about Christmas" piece.

Shockingly, when asked to name the 12 Apostles - not that they have much to do with Christmas - the Independent "Staff and Agencies" (a term they use when they can't find anyone prepared to take responsibility for an article) came up with the following list:

Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Acts, Adam, Eve, Esau, Jacob, David, Goliath, Pontius Pilate,

and as, mentioned on the Archdruid Eileen blog, they narrowly avoided naming Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen (or possibly Kasper and Cupich and Farrell and Tobin).

Christians - except for "Jihadi John" Arnold - do not celebrate Mohammed's birthday.

Clearly, it is difficult to find the traditional Christmas story - either you need to find a Bible, and then it's a long wade through from Genesis until you get to the bit about Bethlehem, or else you need to do "research" (probably Google), and that sounds too much like hard work. Indeed, if you use traditional Christmas keywords such as "snowman", "robin" and "mince pie", you may never stumble across the story at all.

The Easter story is equally hard to pin down, and even a Biblical concordance won't help you if you type in keywords such as "egg", "bunny" and "chocolate". We Christians know that these are key parts of the Easter narrative, but traditionally these bits aren't even read out in church.

I don't think we can blame Pope Francis, who, when he has finished rewriting the Lord's Prayer, is definitely expected to introduce that beautiful old Christmas hymn "We all like figgy pudding" into the liturgy for Christmas Day.

"And there came three snowmen unto Bethlehem..."

When asked what languages Jesus spoke, 80% of Independent staff said that, although of course He normally spoke in English (see the King James Bible for proof of this), he must also have understood Gaelic (the language of St Andrew), and probably also spoke whatever it is that Jews speak - probably Yiddish. Anyway, there's clearly no point praying to God (an obscure ritual that some traditional Catholics perform) in languages such as French and German, as HE WON'T UNDERSTAND YOU.

The journalists had heard of the Turin shroud, but most associated it with Alan Turing, the computer chappie, rather than Jesus. "Anyway, wherever Jesus's body is buried, He's probably still wearing the shroud."

Well, with this level of ignorance - and the Guardian is worse - we have a long way to go before we see surveys asking people to explain the Hermeneutic of Continuity, the difference between Modern Reformed Baptists and Reformed Modern Baptists, or the meaning of Eschatology. Let's start with something simpler, such as explaining the Gospels to Fr James Martin SJ.

Harry Houdini - a master of eschatology.

Be nice to atheists at Easter

For once, an ecumenical post - no digs at Anglicans, Lutherans, Orthodox, etc. Not even Fr James Martin SJ. We're all in this together, folks.

Twitter is not the world - there are rumours that those things walking down the street are also human. If you prick them, do they not bleed? If you tickle them, do they not laugh? If you poison them, do they not die? (If you get into trouble testing this theory, I accept no responsibility.) Still, if the real world is anything like Twitter, there are a lot of very unhappy atheists wandering around at present.

An intellectual giant among atheists, seen in happier times.

The problem is, that there are two big celebrations going on this week:

1. Jesus Christ rising from the dead. Mankind redeemed. Life suddenly has a meaning.

or

2. Bunny rabbits. Chocolate eggs. Er, that's it. This is what my life has been leading up to.

So if you're stuck at party (2) and you see people at party (1). What do you do? Why you get cross and say things like:

Of course Jesus never existed. Or, if he did exist, his message was "Enjoy yourselves, folks" and he was probably an atheist. Nah nah nah, you never see accounts of the Resurrection written by people who said it didn't happen! Children are brainwashed. Tee, hee, hee, why shouldn't I choose Thor or the (ho, ho, ho) flying spaghetti monster instead?

This is the real alternative to Christianity, but it may be tactless to mention it.

I love that last argument. Suppose you want to go from London to Edinburgh? There are many wrong ways to do this:

1. Take the M23 to Brighton, then drive into the sea.

2. Get on a Circle Line train and go round and round until you are thrown off.

3. Take a United Airlines flight to New York. If you can.

4. Sit in a dark cupboard moaning "Edinburgh doesn't exist."

Since there are 99999 wrong ways to get to Edinburgh, this PROVES that there is no right way. Anyone you see driving up the A1, taking a train at King's Cross, or taking a flight advertised as going to Edinburgh, is just a deluded fool who believes in sky fairies / invisible friends / whatever the latest insult is.

Of course this place doesn't really exist!

For once, Richard Dawkins doesn't seem to have joined the atheists' grayling and gnashing of teeth about Easter. These days his atheism seems to be less obsessive than his dislike of Brexit, Trump, Muslims etc. and advertising some ghastly tour of the States that he is making - perhaps he is having second thoughts in his old age?

Anyway, have a happy Easter, dear grumpy atheists. Remember, this is the choice that faces you:

Peter and John heading for the biggest event in history.

OR

The second-biggest event in history.

Christian Values from David Cameron

As pointed out by the blogger Cranmer, David Cameron finally managed to come up with an Easter message this year - the No 10 website didn't manage one last year, just messages for Passover, Ramadan, Diwali, the Jedis' May the Fourth (be with you), the Flying Spaghetti Monster Pasta Sauce Festival, Beelezebub's Wedding Anniversary, Zeus's Great Feast, Thor's Jolly Smiting Day, The Giant Fish's Finny Festival, Baalmass, Ed Balls Day, and a few other non-Christian religious feasts of importance in our truly diverse society.

Something to do with Easter, surely.

Unfortunately, Cameron rather bungled it this year by not actually mentioning the Resurrection, but simply waffling on about Christian values, which are apparently "responsibility, hard work, charity, compassion and pride in working for the common good and honouring the social obligations we have to one another, to our families and our communities." Which are wonderful values, but not exclusively Christian.

Dave has now come up with a more profound list of Christian values, which he will mention in a greeting at Christmas. These include:

Brushing your teeth after meals;
Changing your socks daily;
Having a bath once a month whether you need it or not;
Helping little old ladies across the road, whether they want it or not;
Fastening your seat-belt in the car;
Voting to remain in the EU;
Supporting same-sex marriage.

After all, Christ and the disciples spoke of little else, did they?

"Blessed are ye if ye eat five portions of fruit and vegetables each day."

Meanwhile, I've been studying the Catholic list of corporal works of mercy in order to get further ideas. I'm not very good at most of them, but "Bury the Dead" is one where I do score highly: when my aunt poisoned a couple of visiting Jehovah's Witnesses last week, I got them underground before anyone could ask any embarrassing questions. However, in general I'm better at the spiritual works of mercy, which include shouting "heretic" at my neighbours.

Remember: Jehovah's Witnesses are best in acid soils, political canvassers in alkaline.

I hope this helps, Dave.

Pope Francis refuses to meet the Mayor of Whitby

Councillor Heather Coughlan, Mayor of Whitby, has reacted angrily to reports that Pope Francis will be meeting with Patriarch Kirill of Moscow, but has, as yet "no plans to visit Whitby".

Nicene Nice one, Kyrill.

"What is it with Francis?" asked the mayor angrily. "He's happy to talk to Lutherans, Anglicans, Orthodox - even Catholics sometimes. But he refuses to consult Whitby town council when it comes to discussing an alternative date for Easter."

In fact, Pope Francis's negotiating position with Patriarch Kirill is more wide-ranging than this, being based on three demands (the fourth was considered to be "a step too far"):

1. Use the Gregorian Calendar.
2. Drop that stupid alphabet.
3. Stick "Filioque" in the Creed.
4. Get involved in gay masses, clown masses, and liturgical dancing.

Many of Whitby's most famous inhabitants, such as, er, Captain Cook and Dracula, are known to have favoured the current method for deciding the date of Easter; this was agreed at the Synod in A.D. 664 and has survived the changes brought on by the Reformation, Vatican II, etc.

A tense moment at the Synod of Whitby.

If a new date for Easter is agreed now, then it is likely that Yorkshire will go it alone, sticking to the present means of calculating it. After all, what's one more schism between friends? It is thought that both John Sentamu (Anglican Archbishop of York) - who signs himself John Ebagum, using the Roman word for York - and Marcus Stock (Catholic Bishop of Leeds) are strongly supportive of the plan for a Yorkshire Easter.

As far as the Catholic Bishops Conference of England and Wales is concerned, they would like to move Good Friday to a Sunday (cf. Epiphany and Ascension), but have not yet worked out how this would fit in with all the other plans under discussion. For Prime Minister David Cameron the important thing is that Easter Sunday should become an even more important shopping opportunity, the exact date being unimportant.

"Are you sure this is an Easter egg?"

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 22

Continued from Chapter 21.

1. And Richard decided to explain the meaning of Easter to his disciples.

Possibly the true origin of the expression "Happy Easter".

2. "For," he said, "is Easter not a celebration of the ancient fertility goddess Ishtar? Standeth it not to reason that they are one and the same, as the names are so similar, eshpecially for one that hath drunk of shtrong wine?

3. Thus Easter is a fertility rite, and this explaineth the eggs, and the bunnies. Hence Christianity is all a myth."

4. And Richard was cruelly mocked, even by the Archdruid Eileen, who listed many other fertility goddesses with similar names, such as Asda and Exeter, together with Esther, she that is called Rantzen.

5. This last was a woman with a large cult of followers, who enjoyed the sight of obscenely-shaped vegetables. She inspired a series of Odd Odes by a prophet known as Cyril Fletcher.

Cyril Fletcher, or possibly an oddly-shaped vegetable.

6. Here perhaps may lie the true origin of many Easter traditions; for example the phrase "That's Life!" is symbolic of the Resurrection, and the Odd Odes survive in the liturgies of Paul Inwood.

7. But then there came others claiming to be the original of Easter, indeed so many that Richard could not deal with them.

8. Some men spoke of the worship of Wooster, a prophet who was aided by a supernatural being known as Jeeves. They sought and found the sacred cow-creamer, which was guarded by a giant in black shorts named Spode. That is, the giant was named Spode, not the shorts.

9. Others spoke of the festival of Euston, by which men attempt the impossible journey that ends in the holy city of Glasgow.

An earthly paradise.

10. As they pass through the sacred lands of Milton Keynes, Wigan and Preston, the faithful encounter terrifying hazards, such as leaves on the line and the wrong kind of coffee on the drinks trolley.

11. In brief, Richard's attempts to find an alternative explanation for Easter fell on stony ground.

12. Instead, he chose the day of Easter as an opportunity to ask of the world a burning question: Who is the most over-rated person in history?

13. "Perchance they will reply 'Jesus', or 'Mohammed', or even 'Buddha'," he said to himself.

14. However, it was not to be. With one voice, the world replied: YOU.

16. For they had concluded that Richard was indeed history.

If the cap fits, wear it.

Continued in Chapter 23.

---

The book of St Richard started here.

Through the Christian year with David Cameron

Happy Easter, everyone! David Cameron has given us his seasonal message, and as reported by Madeleine Teahan in the Catholic Herald, it clears up a serious misapprehension under which Christians have suffered for many years.

It's the principle around which the Easter celebration is built. Easter is all about remembering the importance of change, responsibility, and doing the right thing for the good of our children. And today, that message matters more than ever.

In fact, this doctrine is just an excerpt from Dave's new spiritually nourishing book Through the Christian year with David Cameron, and we are privileged to be able to print further excerpts on this blog. So here goes.

David Cameron explains basic theology to Pope Benedict XVI.

"The church year starts with Advent, where we look forward to the coming of a new leader. In the Old Testament there was an emphasis on traditional Thatcher-Majorite Conservatism. Then comes the Apocrypha, filled with weird stories about shadowy figures such as Hague, Duncan-Smith and Howard. Finally, the New Testament tells of the coming of a Saviour to redeem the world, and bring a whole new set of teaching. And this Messiah is called Dave.

At Christmas we are asked to reflect on the importance of a well-managed economy, and the regulation of public expenditure. Caesar Augustus called all the world to be taxed, but he could equally well have cut public expenditure and reduced government borrowing. We never hear of Joseph actually paying his taxes, and indeed he is said to have fled into tax-exile in Egypt.

The flight into tax exile.

At Epiphany, we read the story of three great kings, named Cameron, Miliband and Clegg. King Cameron brings gold, which symbolises prosperity and job-creation. Anti-king Miliband brings frankincense, but that isn't enough to take away the clinging smell of bacon sandwiches. Deputy king Clegg brings myrrh, symbolising death, in particular the death of his political ambitions.

Controls on immigration! A gift from Anti-king Miliband.

So we come to Lent, a time of austerity. The message here is that only the Devil tries to stop us from making sacrifices - well, not me, obviously, but most of you - as we wait for the economy to recover.

At Easter, we celebrate chocolate eggs, Easter bunnies, daffodils, Bank Holiday traffic jams, and a well-deserved two days off work (or, for MPs, a month). We have no plans in our manifesto to scrap Easter, although if the gay lobby tells us it's necessary, then we reserve the right to change our minds on that one!

In May we have a festival called Ascension. This is when millions of faithful worshippers go into a polling-booth and put an X against the name of the Conservative candidate. After this, I go up to 10, Downing Street.

Seven party leaders organize a drinking contest.

Whitsun (or Pentecost) is traditionally a time for marriage, and surely the main Christian message here is that marriage is a wonderful thing, and should not be restricted to one man and one woman. "Be fruitful and multiply," said God, and if you can't manage this because you are a same-sex couple, then the Lord provides test-tubes and clinics whereby you may still pretend to be the parents of a child.

After that the country (or at least Parliament) has a long holiday between May and November. We call it "Ordinary Time" and regard it as a time to go on holiday and visit fish-markets. In this we simply emulate the Apostles, who were also fishermen. Of course, we will occasionally read in our papers about massacres of Christians and others, by Muslims, but that's none of our business, and it should not take us away from all those lovely fish!"

Scottish sturgeon? No thanks!

Eccles-iastical rumours

Great excitement has been generated by rumours that the Pope told a divorced and remarried woman, Jacquelina Sabetta, that she was now allowed to take Communion. "Who am I to fudge?" he is said to have asked her. Without knowing whether or not this rumour is true, we should point out that many previous rumours about the Pope have been shown to be false, and caused by mistranslation, misreporting, misunderstanding or simply mischief. Here are some of the silliest.

POPE TO MARRY A MUSLIM WOMAN.

Centuries of tradition, whereby the Pope, and indeed all priests, are forbidden to marry were supposed to have been upset recently when the Pope was seen talking to an attractive Muslim lady. Said the Queen of Jordan (for it was she), "Don't be silly, Damian (who he?), we are just good friends."

FRANCIS WASHES SHEEP'S FEET ON MAUNDY THURSDAY.

The Maundy Thursday ritual of washing feet was challenged this year when it was claimed that the Pope had extended it to animals. Said a spokesman, "It is true that the Holy Father might wash the feet of a primate, but only if it were Justin Welby."

HOLY FATHER ADMITS THAT HE HAS A SON.

Despite the strong physical resemblance, it has been explained that these two popes are not related.

The rumour machine continues to grind on, with forecasts that Fr Alban McCoy would become the next bishop of Leeds (which has been sede vacante since Arthur Roche was packed off to Rome). Ten days have elapsed, and the good man still hasn't received the expected letter, so we must conclude that this bit of gossip was off the mark.

Dammit, Damian, I'm a doctor, not a bishop!

---

We were going to blog about St George's Day as we did last year, but apparently it has been moved, owing to a clash with Easter. Curiously, one Very Famous Person Indeed found it was possible to celebrate Easter and St George at the same time.

They always said God was an Englishman.

Is Britain a Christian country?

From a letter to the editor of the Telegraph.

Dear Sir,

We are fifty odd intellectual giants, er, sorry, fifty-odd intellectual giants, who like to see our names in the papers, and between us we have put together this letter in which we give an in-depth analysis of Britain, in just a few short paragraphs. Being busy people we just had time to write two words each.

Look, we're not all as saintly as David Cameron!

Look at the names we've got on board! Not Richard Dawkins or Stephen Fry, we admit - they were too busy being famous somewhere else - but who cannot be impressed by the names of Rincewind the Magician (failed), Dr Death, Polly Tuscanee, and Martin Rowson the world's most pointless cartoonist?

Sir Terence Pratchett, Regius Professor of Wizardry.

Now we admit that Christian values are taken very seriously by the blessed David Cameron, just as they were by St Tony Blair. So seriously, that he does not let them affect his policies in the slightest (but then, nor did St Tony). Our Dr Evan Helpus in particular is very happy that abortion is thriving in the country as never before - who knows, perhaps he'll get pregnant himself, exercise his own right to choice, and perhaps end up on Big Brother! And of course we're all great fans of Equal Marriage - although Giles Fraser explained to us that this is actually a Christian thing, and so it probably doesn't count.

He's not my husband, I just met him in a bookshop.

Anyway, we're all very cross that people have been celebrating Easter this weekend, especially Simon Singh. Did you notice that Simon sign(h)ed the letter twice? That's because he's very cross indeed. And Polly is cross because nobody sent her a Fairtrade Easter egg. Someone did give Ken Follett an Easter bunny, but they told him not to bite its head off, so where's the fun in that?

Apart from the narrow constitutional sense that we have an established "church", Britain is no longer a Christian country. At Professor Grayling's College for Rich and Stupid Atheists, the students beg to be allowed to work on Sundays, Good Friday, Easter, Christmas, etc. Well, we say work, but this week's challenging assignment - curling up with The God Delusion and drawing faces on the blank pages - is surely a pleasure rather than a chore?

J. and M. In deference to Muslims' feelings, the latter is portrayed as a black egg.

Anyway, it's very important to have Equality and Diversity in this country, as this means that we are all equal and unequal at the same time. We respect all faiths of course, and want them to flourish, provided they do what we tell them. You see, we have discovered in round-the-table-chatter at Islington dinner parties that we all fundamentally believe in the same things. Socialism. Liberalism. Atheism. Equal equality. Diverse diversity. Equal diversity. And of course Diverse equality. And Chocolate.

Signed, ... a long list of very boring and egocentric people who don't see why the Christians are so happy at Easter.

Happy Holy Days

Costume holy men

As Catholics in England and Wales celebrate Ascension Day today, three days later than the Pope does, we sent our reporter (Ecclesiastes, the secretary of Eccles) to interview Vincent Nichols, President of the Catholic Bishops Conference of England and Wales.

Eccles: Happy Ascension Day, your Grace. Now why exactly did you decide to celebrate it today?

Vincent Nichols: We were going by the guidance given in the Acts of the Apostles, To whom also he shewed himself alive after his passion, by many proofs, for forty-three days appearing to them, and speaking of the kingdom of God.

E: Sure that it wasn't forty days? Admit it, you wanted to stay in and watch television on Thursday night.

VN: Well, there was a very good programme on. Britain's Got Heresy, you know. 

E: I think I saw that one. Was that the one where Diarmaid MacCulloch and Tina Beattie were wrestling in a vat of custard, Anglicans versus Catholics?

A wrestling champion

VN: Yes, that's the one. But let's be serious now, Eccles. You can't expect faithful Catholics to go to church on any day except Sunday. That's why, from 2013, we shall be reorganizing Holy Week.

E: So Good Friday will not longer fall on a Friday?

VN: No, in the interests of efficiency, and getting "bums on seats," we shall have Maundy Sunday, Good Sunday and Easter Sunday on the same day, 42 days after Ash Sunday. After all, the date of Easter is a bit arbitrary, anyway, and our Eastern Orthodox Brethren tend to celebrate it a week or two later.

E: Won't Maundy-Good-Easter Sunday be rather busy?

VN: Perhaps a litte. We haven't yet decided whether to recommend three services or one big one. Probably, the latter, so that the Sabbath is kept fairly free for traditional devotions. IKEA, for example. As a gesture of generosity to the Ordinariate, I am going out later to buy them a flat-pack altar. Don't let anyone tell you that we're not making exceptional provision for these newcomers to the Church.

A gift for the Ordinariate

E: Thank you very much, Vincent Nichols. At least you won't have any trouble with Whitsun, eh?

De Voyage of St Eccles, Chapter 3

1. And an Angle spake unto Eccles, saying, "Dis sagga of thine is taking a long time to finish off. Thou willst miss the deadline for de new editoin of de Bibble."

2. "What is I to do?" asked Eccles. "De love life of mine Ant is too complex to be resolved so easily."

3. "Perhaps thou couldst rewrite it for de new editoin of de Korran?" said de Angle. "It could be de story of Anti Mullah, wot goes to Mecka to find de Imam El-Pell. If thou dressest thine Anti in a Burker, den she will not frighten de children so much."

Moly-ben-Dite as she ain't often seen

4. "Nay," saith Eccles. "For I doesnt fink de Musslims is saved. Anyway, strong drink is condemned by Isslam, and my Anti cannot do wivvout it. We will continue as we has started." And it was so.

 5. So she that is called Moly-ben-Dite saith unto de blessed Eccles, "Let us attend the service dat mine beloved Goerge doth conduct for de Easter Viggil. Perchance, Eccles, we couldst disgiuse ourselves as alter servers, dat we may carry de candels into de Cathedral? Den, at de crittical moment, I may hit mine belloved over de head wiv de Pascal Candel, and screem 'Libbertine! Don Jaun! Cassanover! Nick Cleg!'" And she nameth some of de gratest lovers in history.

6. And it was so. De blessed Eccles and his somewhat less blessed Anti didst robe demselves in de white graments of holliness.

7. And dere came a grate processoin into de Cathedral of Sidney. Dere was de famuous Monsinger Rolf Harris, de Dame Edna Average (wot aint reely a woman, so it's OK), even de famous Spin Blower, Farver Shane Worn. All was dressed in de white graments of holliness.

Farver Shane givvin de blessin

8. And in de processoin was concealed Eccles and Moly.

9. And Cradinal Pell spake unto de mulltitudes, sayin, "G'day, cobbers, here we got de Pascal Candel, cos it's Easter. Cor, chase my pet wombat up a coolibar tree, it's dat crazy woman from Pottymouth..."

10. And Lo, Moly hurled de Pascal Candel at de Cradinal, dat it might come to pass wot was written in de book of Relevatoin Chapter 2, Verse 5, I come to thee, and will move thy candlestick out of its place, except thou do penance.

A dangerous waepon in de wrong hands

11. And de costume holly man fled at de sihgt of de wrathful old lady, sayin, "Canst thou direct me to de nearest billybong?"

12. For in the days of his youth, so men say, he had fled de pursuin hag by jumpin into de billybong, where no man durst follow.

13. And Eccles said unto his Anti, "Let us deppart from hence and return to Pottymouth. Dem Cathlics aint to be trusted, anyways." So they departed.

14. Here endeth de book of de voyage of St Eccles.