How to conduct a presidential funeral

So, it's happened at last. President George Washington has finally expired at the great age of 292, and it is necessary to give him a fitting send-off.

RIP.

As he was an IMPORTANT PERSON, it seems that a funeral service in the (coincidentally named) city of Washington would be appropriate. Of course he wasn't a Catholic, so it won't be possible to arrange a funeral conducted by his old friend Uncle Ted McCarrick, or even by his equally distinguished successors, Donald Wuerl, Wilton Gregory or Robert McElroy.

Still, George was a devout Christian, and so this should be reflected in the arrangements for his funeral.

THE LITURGY: Include a deeply religious hymn about Heaven, which is where you rather hope he will end up. For example, Hymn 666:

Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try:
No hell below us,
Above us, only sky.

A very popular song among some Christians. Later on we have:

Imagine there's no countries,
It isn't hard to do:
Nothing to kill or die for,
And no religion, too.

What could be more suitable? Especially when followed by the well-known prayer "Our Father, who art in... oops!"

And he was such a nice young lad...

THE GUESTS: Invite anyone who is or was a president or vice-president, or who is married to such a person. Never mind that Kamala hates Donald, Donald hates Mike, Joe is dreaming of ice-cream, Bill is checking out all the girls present, Michelle can't stand any of the others and won't come, W thinks there may be weapons of mass destruction in the cathedral, Al is hoping to cash in on the global warming caused by the service, etc. etc.

A rare moment when they're all behaving themselves.

Then watch them greet each other, sometimes enthusiastically, sometimes with a scowl, sometimes by ignoring their neighbours completely. You haven't seen such behaviour since you last went to a Mass/Communion/Eucharist/Lord's Supper and someone kicked you in the shins during the "Sign of Peace"!

You can be sure that they won't spend much time sitting quietly and trying to look holy. They would never have advanced in politics if they were into things like that.

Well, I hope that advice was helpful. Catholics will tend to do things slightly differently, but Pope Leo XIII seems to be in robust health, and it will be a while before a funeral is needed.

In robust health.

The Jimmy Carter edition of the Bible

This week we saw the publishing event of the year, as ex-President Jimmy Carter, Nobel Peace Prize Laureate (they don't give them out to just any old Tom, Dick or Barack, you know!) and one of the most successful U.S. presidents ever, introduced an edition of the Bible, with his own study notes, helping readers to follow his understanding of the Scriptures.

And God spake unto James, saying "Rewrite ye the Bible in your own image."

St Jimmy's interpretation of the Bible is said to be at variance with most orthodox Christian doctrine. He quarrelled bitterly with Pope John-Paul II over "liberation theology" and labelled him a "fundamentalist" along with Ayatollah Khomeini.

Well done, Jimmy. I can't stand Pope John-Paul II, either!

It is true that John-Paul II, having been brought up in Soviet-dominated Poland, would not have had as much experience of poverty, oppression, Marxism and suffering as a millionaire peanut-farmer in Georgia would. So St Jimmy was clearly in the right there.

"As we were marching through Georgia." Jimmy liberates a peanut field.

St Jimmy's new edition of the Bible explains clearly how the Southern Baptists and the Catholics believe that women are inferior to men. "They're just like Muslims, you know," he says, drawing on his wide knowledge of religions worldwide.

John the Southern Baptist - a well-known fundamentalist.

So far the Gospel of St Jimmy is not selling as well as might be expected. This is probably because American Catholic and Baptist women, the ones who would naturally wish to read it in order to learn how to throw off their chains, are not usually allowed out into the streets unaccompanied - or to use the telephone or Internet - and so are unable to buy copies of the book.

A subjugated Catholic woman, forbidden to read the Gospel of St Jimmy.