How to conduct a presidential funeral

So, it's happened at last. President George Washington has finally expired at the great age of 292, and it is necessary to give him a fitting send-off.

RIP.

As he was an IMPORTANT PERSON, it seems that a funeral service in the (coincidentally named) city of Washington would be appropriate. Of course he wasn't a Catholic, so it won't be possible to arrange a funeral conducted by his old friend Uncle Ted McCarrick, or even by his equally distinguished successors, Donald Wuerl, Wilton Gregory or Robert McElroy.

Still, George was a devout Christian, and so this should be reflected in the arrangements for his funeral.

THE LITURGY: Include a deeply religious hymn about Heaven, which is where you rather hope he will end up. For example, Hymn 666:

Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try:
No hell below us,
Above us, only sky.

A very popular song among some Christians. Later on we have:

Imagine there's no countries,
It isn't hard to do:
Nothing to kill or die for,
And no religion, too.

What could be more suitable? Especially when followed by the well-known prayer "Our Father, who art in... oops!"

And he was such a nice young lad...

THE GUESTS: Invite anyone who is or was a president or vice-president, or who is married to such a person. Never mind that Kamala hates Donald, Donald hates Mike, Joe is dreaming of ice-cream, Bill is checking out all the girls present, Michelle can't stand any of the others and won't come, W thinks there may be weapons of mass destruction in the cathedral, Al is hoping to cash in on the global warming caused by the service, etc. etc.

A rare moment when they're all behaving themselves.

Then watch them greet each other, sometimes enthusiastically, sometimes with a scowl, sometimes by ignoring their neighbours completely. You haven't seen such behaviour since you last went to a Mass/Communion/Eucharist/Lord's Supper and someone kicked you in the shins during the "Sign of Peace"!

You can be sure that they won't spend much time sitting quietly and trying to look holy. They would never have advanced in politics if they were into things like that.

Well, I hope that advice was helpful. Catholics will tend to do things slightly differently, but Pope Leo XIII seems to be in robust health, and it will be a while before a funeral is needed.

In robust health.

The Roman Church breaks away

A guest post from the German bishops, with additional material from Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, Cardinal Cupich, etc.

We are deeply sorry that a small Roman sect has decided to split off from the universal German Catholic Church by refusing to bless same-sex relationships, to ordain women, or to support abortion. From now on we can only regard Pope Francis, the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, and those backing them as schismatics, Protestants, and general Schweinehunden. In the words of St John of Lennon's Hymn "Imagine", which we sang when we blessed some happy couples this week:

Imagine there's no Heaven:
It's easy if you try.
Hell sounds much nicer:
We're off there when we die.

Fr Joe of the German Catholic Church says "I now pronounce you Thing and Thing."

In the middle ages, the Spanish Inquisition was a byword for brutality, but you ain't seen nothing yet, Francis! The German Inquisition will be much more savage. Already our top agent, Cardinal Kasper, is in Rome and preparing to act. Admittedly he is 96 and talks to trees, but that doesn't stop him striking terror into the hearts of Roman schismatics!

Time for some more "Imagine":

Imagine sin's abolished,
It isn't hard to do:
Nothing to repent of
And no redemption too.

You Roman Catholics may be proud of your Marty Haugens, Dan Schuttes, and Graham Kendricks, but we have John Lennon on our side, so be very afraid!

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can.
Of course we need our Church Tax
So keep on paying, man!

A worried Pope Francis gets advice on Peronist dictatorship from the President of Argentina (or vice versa).

How to be a Good Pope 4

Continued from Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3.

As we have pointed out before, it is quite likely that one or two of our readers will end up as popes; or, if not, as mothers of popes, fathers of popes, etc. You therefore need to know how good popes behave - and if you are the parent of an errant pope, to say "Bosco, stop being silly!" at the right moment.

"Give 'em Hell, Jorge!" says Maria Regina Sivori.

Now, it is the duty of all popes to challenge the faithful, by saying things that will make them think. So you could tell them "Most Catholic marriages are invalid, because Catholics have not read my lovely book Appassionata Erotica, complete with amusing footnotes." This will go down well, and probably lead to husbands and wives walking out, children being abandoned in the street as "invalid", and everyone saying what a wise pope you must be. Then, when nobody is looking, change "Most are" to "Some are", or "One or two may be", or "I heard a rumour that there was one", just in case anyone asks you for some definite facts.

Of course marriage is not the only way to have a relationship with someone. You can cheer up your flock by saying that relationships based on fornication are just as good really. Who needs the sacrament of marriage? If nobody ever married, then adultery and divorce would vanish from the face of the earth! In the new modern streamlined church we can also get rid of ordinations, baptisms, marriages... You can go down in history as the pope who sent everyone to Heaven - believers or unbelievers - without any fussing about.

A model for the modern Catholic Church.

When discussing relationships you should of course be "gay-friendly". In the words of Saint John Lennon, "All you need is love!" Why not fly the rainbow flag over the Vatican, or organize a "Vatican Pride" event? A few of those stuffy traditionalists will object, but you will be able to convince the secular public that "We all believe the same thing, really". Then expect to receive extravagant praise from that ultimate arbiter of morals, Fr James Martin SJ - as pope you'll know that means you've "arrived"!

Bad Hymns 8

Today's entry for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award is Imagine, by John Lennon. Unlike most of the entries we've seen so far, which are vaguely Christian in spirit, this is an atheist hymn, included because atheists are terribly misunderstood people who need the chance to explain themselves.

Imagine no possessions.

E: So welcome, Mr Lennon. Nice car you've got there.

JL: Yes, I can't imagine what life would be like without it!

E: Now, I'll bet you had a good laugh when the Olympic closing ceremony included the words "Imagine there's no countries?"

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2012 OLYMPICS MEDAL TABLE

EARTH: 301G 302S 302B
VENUS: 1G 0S 0B
PLANET THARG: 1G 0S 0B
The Venus score includes a gold medal for Miss Williams in the tennis.
The Planet Tharg score includes a special medal for Boris Johnson in the men's zip wire.

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Boris Johnson celebrates winning a gold medal.

JL: Yes, indeed. But you know, like, my true message is of universal peace and love, like.

E: Indeed. Now, how about "Imagine no religion?" Does that include Maharishi Mahesh Yogi?

Imagine no religion.

JL: Ah, we were deceived there, you know. We thought he was an enlightened spiritual leader, but he turned out to be just another dirty old man who wanted money. What's more, he promised to teach me to levitate, like, but I never got the hang of it.

Levitation. Do not try this without a swimming pool.

E: Well, keep reading my blog, and you may get the spiritual nourishment you are seeking. I see that Liverpool "John Lennon" Airport has taken another line from your hymn, "Above us only sky," as its motto.

JL: Yes; they should try and get the roof mended, like.

Above us only sky.

E: Well, thank you, Mr Lennon, I feel you've suffered enough today, so we won't mention Yoko Ono.

Taking the peace out of Lennon.