The Arthur Roche Thanksgiving Mass

The scene: Leeds Cathedral, Yorkshire.

The date: Monday 14th November 2022.

The event: A thanksgiving mass to celebrate the elevation of the former Leeds bishop Arthur Roche to greatness (or at least the college of cardinals).

Present: Just about all the Catholic bishops of England and Wales...

The great man is truly sorry for the pain felt by traditional worshippers.

Unfortunately, the Livestream wasn't working (this is true, like everything else so far in this post), so we can only reconstruct the event ourselves...

The event was well-attended. The congregation included numerous members of the Latin Mass Society, all wearing their "SAVE THE TLM" tee-shirts; also, some of Uncle Arthur's best friends from Leeds: the LADHISS (Leeds and District Heavyweight Ice-Skating Society), and various vendors of cakes, puddings, and pies (now fallen on hard times since our hero left).

Luckily, one can also buy light snacks in Rome.

Some mischievous person switched all the books, so that Roche might have had to offer a TLM rather than a Novus Ordo Mass, but the great man was not phased out by this and managed to improvise a NO service.

Then, when it came to the part of the service where the cardinal said "With Francis our Pope and Me, your unworthy servant", a great cry of "YES!" went out from the congregation - which somehow failed to please Uncle Arthur.

Anyway, a good time was had by all, and the Leeds United fans who carried Uncle Arthur head-high from the cathedral and dumped him in the River Aire have been severely reprimanded.

An army marches on its stomach.

BBC interviews the Pope's enemies

BBC presenter: After the sudden announcement of Pope Benedict XVI's resignation, we shall be talking to a balanced selection of people who have good reason to hate him. Let's start with you, Justin Welby. Your predecessor, Archbishop Cranmer, was martyred by the Catholics in 1556, so naturally you detest Pope Benedict.

Thomas Cranmer - did Benedict XVI ever apologise for his death?

JW: Er, no, actually, I think Benedict has shown great dignity, insight, and courage. All in all, rather a good Pope, really. And I think it's an excellent thing when a major religious leader steps aside, in order to allow a younger man to take over.

BBC: Oh, you're no fun at all. Over to Richard Dawkins now, who can always be relied on to say something anti-Catholic.

RD: Sex. That's the main thing in life. And the Pope hasn't had any. What a waste. Look at me, I'm the man they call "Dr Sexy" in Oxford. Nearly 72 years old, and I'm still regarded as an Oxford Don Juan (geddit?)

An erotic DVD starring Dr Sexy. Not suitable for children.

BBC: Thank you, Professor Dawkins, for making that deep point of theology. Well, we at the BBC are nothing if not balanced in our coverage, so we also invited in a Catholic who hates the Pope. Catherine Pepinster is busy insulting the Pope on Channel 4, but instead we have managed to get hold of Lavinia Byrne, a former nun.

LB: Drone drone drone, women priests, contraception, Spanish Inquisition trying to bully me, Pope Benedict ate my hamster, ... (continues until she has a fit).

Panic-stricken nuns flee the bullying of the Catholic Church.

BBC: Thank you so much, Lavinia Byrne, for putting the Catholic point of view. We'll continue this debate on BBC Radio 5 Live, where Austen Ivereigh is being mauled by a specially-selected group of Leeds United supporters, but here is a final proof that God Himself (if he exists) hates the current set-up at the Vatican.

"GIVE ME HANS KÜNG !!!" says God.