Royal pardon for Thomas Cranmer

Thomas Cranmer, the pioneer of "competing" with the Catholic Church, who was put to death for being an Anglican, has been given a Royal Pardon following a long campaign by his admirers.

Thomas Cranmer - was he unjustly convicted?

Nowadays, of course it is not illegal to be an Anglican - indeed, there are rumours that members of the Royal Family indulge in such practices - although it is still frowned upon in many circles. For example, a man was arrested recently for saying to a mounted police officer "Your horse is Anglican!" However, at the time when Cranmer died, it was still considered to be a serious offence against normal, decent, Catholic society. Cranmer's own history is particularly sad, for at one stage he "swung both ways" and attempted to give up Anglican practices: in the end however he "came out" and paid the price.

Proud to come out as Anglicans!

The Catholic Church has itself been criticised for attempting to compromise with Anglicans. There have been the notorious Warwick Street Masses, where "Anglican patrimony" has been celebrated as a result of Pope Benedict XVI's attempts to bring Anglicans back into the fold. Indeed, Pope Francis also has shocked traditionalists with his "Who am I to judge?" remarks, indicating that Anglicans who attempted to live a Catholic life should only be burned as a last resort.

The Church's Thesis - also a great influence on "competing".

On the whole, however, it is clear that Anglicans are being accepted more and more as "normal" members of society, especially since in many cases they are indistinguishable from ordinary secular people - the days when they would deliberately shock people by attending church services seem to be over for good. In this context, Cranmer's pardon (whether or not he was guilty of Anglicanism) is a natural reaction to a change in public opinion.

Modern ecumenical belief - part Buddhist, part Disney.

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Meanwhile, a Happy Christmas to all readers!

Unfortunately, one of our kings seems to be a little on the tall side.

Persecuted Archbishop told to "grow up"

Rowan Williams, the former Archbishop of Canterbury, was today told to "grow up" and stop moaning about feeling "mildly uncomfortable".

Thou writest bitter things against me. Job 13:26

After saying a few daft things trivialising the difficulties suffered by faithful Christians in modern Britain (e.g. the loss of their jobs), Archbishop Williams has received a hail of abuse, insults and invective, both on Twitter and on the blogs. Although he is very distressed by this, it has been pointed out to him that his sufferings are minor compared with those of some former Archbishops of Canterbury.

Cranmer. Called "beardie" by his enemies. Also burnt to death.

Archbishop Cranmer himself was very unpopular in his time. Although he became a fellow of Magdalene College, Cambridge, he never made it to Master, probably because of his silly beard, for which he was remorselessly mocked. "Oh look, it's that leftie druid chap," said the Cambridge students as he walked through the town. In the end he had to go.

Thomas Becket - the authorities said he was a liberal.

Thomas Becket was another occupant of the see of Canterbury who was roundly abused on the Internet (or Plantaga-net as it was called in those days). Although his beard was not widely criticised in contemporary blogs, he was described as "turbulent" by a very senior member of the government (Henry II), and it was not long before he lost his position.

So those who are saying to Rowan Williams, "Chin up! Bear your sufferings like a man!" are probably only being fair. These days, the life of an Archbishop in modern Britain is relatively comfortable, and the persecution he suffers is insignificant.

A home for retired archbishops.

Henry VIII explains his breach with Rome

New historical evidence has emerged, explaining the reasons behind King Henry VIII's breach with Rome in the 1530s, which led ultimately to the Anglican church we know today.

Henry VIII - wanted to liberalize the Church.

"We have our own vision for the Anglican church," says King Henry in a previously unpublished document. "A church where women may become vicars, and dance in the aisle at weddings. A church where people like Archbishop Cranmer will be welcomed into our rooms in the morning to tell us that we are bigots if we let not a man wed another man."

Archbishop Cranmer (in papal camauro) shares a joke with Toynbee, the court jester.

Meanwhile, in Rome, Pope Paul III is also anxious to shock traditionalists. He is said to be planning a Council of Trent, which will turn orthodox Catholicism on its head. "We need to decide whether God is calling us to introduce liturgical dancing, puppet masses and homilies about 'my holiday in Paris'. I get regular letters in green ink from a very keen young man called Monsignor Basil Brushtus; he is urging us to drop Latin, and he has some most original ideas on how the Mass should be celebrated. But I've suggested that we come back to that in a few years time."

Monsignor Basil Brushtus - too revolutionary even for Pope Paul III.

"That is encouraging, but it does not go far enough," responds King Henry. "As King I am also ex officio Director of Liturgy round here, and I want to ensure that my song Greensleeves is used regularly at Mass. It is easily adapted to religious use:

Green! Green! Green are the sleeves!
Green! Green! Green are the sleeves!
Green! Green! Green are the sleeves!
Green are the sleeves of the Lord!

A one, a two, a one two three four... Green! Green! Green are the sleeves!

It is clear that these documents will force us to revise our views on the Reformation, and they will keep David Starkey in business for many years to come. Unfortunately.

BBC interviews the Pope's enemies

BBC presenter: After the sudden announcement of Pope Benedict XVI's resignation, we shall be talking to a balanced selection of people who have good reason to hate him. Let's start with you, Justin Welby. Your predecessor, Archbishop Cranmer, was martyred by the Catholics in 1556, so naturally you detest Pope Benedict.

Thomas Cranmer - did Benedict XVI ever apologise for his death?

JW: Er, no, actually, I think Benedict has shown great dignity, insight, and courage. All in all, rather a good Pope, really. And I think it's an excellent thing when a major religious leader steps aside, in order to allow a younger man to take over.

BBC: Oh, you're no fun at all. Over to Richard Dawkins now, who can always be relied on to say something anti-Catholic.

RD: Sex. That's the main thing in life. And the Pope hasn't had any. What a waste. Look at me, I'm the man they call "Dr Sexy" in Oxford. Nearly 72 years old, and I'm still regarded as an Oxford Don Juan (geddit?)

An erotic DVD starring Dr Sexy. Not suitable for children.

BBC: Thank you, Professor Dawkins, for making that deep point of theology. Well, we at the BBC are nothing if not balanced in our coverage, so we also invited in a Catholic who hates the Pope. Catherine Pepinster is busy insulting the Pope on Channel 4, but instead we have managed to get hold of Lavinia Byrne, a former nun.

LB: Drone drone drone, women priests, contraception, Spanish Inquisition trying to bully me, Pope Benedict ate my hamster, ... (continues until she has a fit).

Panic-stricken nuns flee the bullying of the Catholic Church.

BBC: Thank you so much, Lavinia Byrne, for putting the Catholic point of view. We'll continue this debate on BBC Radio 5 Live, where Austen Ivereigh is being mauled by a specially-selected group of Leeds United supporters, but here is a final proof that God Himself (if he exists) hates the current set-up at the Vatican.

"GIVE ME HANS KÜNG !!!" says God.

Bloggers in spat over top Church job

Well-known bloggers Matthew, Mark, Luke and John were quarrelling today over which of them had first broken the news that the top Church job would go to Simon Peter, the former fish tycoon and graduate of the prestigious Galilee Fishing College.

Matthew - his blog is read by millions.

"I was there first," claimed Matthew angrily. "As most people know, two names have to be submitted to Jesus, for Him to make the final decision. These names were Simon Peter and Judas Iscariot, and it was felt that Judas was not the person to bring the Church into the First Century, although he might be very influential in the Twenty-first. Mark and Luke, bloggers and journalists for the Synoptic Newspapers, got the story from my Twitter feed. And poor old John hasn't even reported the story yet - I think he can't believe he didn't get the top job himself!"

Being Archbishop of Galilee brings with it various privileges - for example, Peter is guaranteed canonization, and the keys to Heaven - but brings with it the dangers of martyrdom, especially if (as seems probable) the see is moved to Rome.

"So the big key opens the Gates of Heaven, and the small one opens the Saints' washroom?"

Mark, of the Synoptic Times, and Luke, of the Synoptic Telegraph, were angrily maintaining today that they were the ones with the scoop. "Matthew even got the facts wrong about President Herod's re-election," they sneered. "He was tipping the other candidate, Romani."

Over at the Galilee Tablet, Catherine Philistia was angrily complaining that Christ needed to move into the First Century and appoint a woman to head His Church. "I've got a friend called Tina Beelzebub who would be perfect at the job," she insisted. "We know who's really backing Christ - it's an old Man living far away with His head in the clouds!"

John - with a scoop of his own.

Church of England near to a decision

From the Church Times, October 1532

I'm Henry VIII, I am.

The committee set up to appoint a new Archbishop of Canterbury in succession to William Warham (consisting of Henry Tudor, Henricus Rex, and the King) has finally come up with a shortlist of three names. The job involves running the Church of England on a day-to-day basis, and comes with an attractive package of benefits; its main disadvantage is the associated "early death" scheme, whereby the incumbent will probably be beheaded or burnt at the stake on leaving office.

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Bernard Hepton Thomas Cranmer.

The hot favourite for the job (who may end up even hotter when Mary gets in) is Thomas Cranmer, the celebrity blogger, currently resident at the Court of the Holy Roman Emperor, "organic" Charles V. He is believed to be a favourite of Queen Catherine Anne. Cranmer tells us that he is very keen on liturgy, and would one day like to write his own Book of Common Prayer. Although brought up as a Catholic, he is now a firm Anglican (although some say he may yet recant if it becomes a burning issue).

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Paul Scofield Thomas More.

Although a man for all seasons, the current Lord Chancellor, Thomas More, is not strictly speaking a priest; however, he is rumoured to be a very saintly man, who gets on well with the king. He is a regular speaker on Thought for the Day (we heard him speaking recently on Better 'tis to be fortunate than wise!), and is a best-selling novelist in his own right, whose Utopia is now on the National Curriculum. What will perhaps count against him is the fact that he is generally regarded as an Anglo-Catholic.

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Ed Balls Thomas Cromwell.

If the job goes to a secular candidate - and King Henry is getting extremely irritated by priests - then another one to watch is Thomas Cromwell, and not just because he is a powerful man called Thomas. Regarded as a reformer who has denounced clerical abuses and the power of the ecclesiastical courts, Cromwell is likely to ruffle a few feathers in the General Synod. Coming from the Evangelical wing of the Church, he is keen to destroy idols and graven images, and keeps telling people he is "saved." Strongly supported by Dame Hilary de Mantel, the celebrity novelist.

Justice for Tina!

Reprinted from the Tablet.

(Tina) Beattie - a martyr for our times

Over the years, many people have suffered martyrdom at the hands of the Catholic church: one thinks of Galileo, cruelly persecuted for claiming that it got dark at night, and Cranmer, burnt at the stake for writing a blog critical of Queen Mary. But surely the case of Professor Tina Beattie is a new low in the history of the Catholic church - a pernicious institution that the Tablet has consistently opposed.

The news of Tina's persecution has led to riots worldwide.

Tina Beattie, an illustrious advocate of same-sex partnerships, was invited to give a lecture at Clifton Cathedral in Bristol, her subject being "What happens if we pour phosphorus down our trousers - Luminous Genitals." However, the invitation was subsequently withdrawn by the bishop, Declan Lang, after complaints to the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith in Rome, who reportedly said "Are you sure she's one of our lot?"

The Tablet is shocked that a Catholic bishop should personally intervene to decide what goes on in his own cathedral, and particularly when he is seen to be taking advice from Rome, almost as if the Pope were there to be obeyed, rather than insulted.

An incriminating picture, showing that Declan Lang is on good terms with the Pope

The Tablet will not cease to campaign for Justice for Tina. In this week's prize competition, you are invited to complete the following in not more than ten words:

I think Declan Lang should be.....

The prize on offer for the most painful suggestion is a copy of Sister Margaret Farley's latest book: What fun can a monk have? Nun! (Saucy stories from the convent).

Meanwhile, Prof. Beattie is taking the news of her rejection very stoically, and the students at Roehampton are eagerly anticipating her forthcoming lecture courses:

Catholic bullying - from St Paul to Declan Lang, and

Catholics and voodoo - can we pin down the Pope?

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A topless photo of the Duchess of Cambridge has come into our possession. Since we do not see anything very shocking in the content, we have decided to post it below.

A topless photo of the Duchess of Cambridge