Jesuits and Latinophobia

Warning: this blog contains scenes of explicit Latin, and should not be made available to children and young people.

It's been a bad week for Jesuits. First, Pope Francis SJ managed to introduce a version of the Our Father which contained deliberate translation errors. In the words of his Latin teacher, back in 1940s Argentina:

Bergoglio Minor! Et - and. Ne - with the subjunctive, a negative imperative. Nos - we, us. Inducas - subjunctive of induco, lead in, bring in. In - when it takes the accusative, into. Tentationem - accusative, temptation. What does that give us?

"Do not abandon us to temptation", Sir?

No, boy! Bend over! THWACK! It means "do not lead us into temptation". THWACK!

Ouch! Yarooh! Chiz.

The Pope's personal copy of the Shorter Latin Primer.

But enough of 1940s Argentina. The scene shifts to 2020s USA, where Fr Tommy Reese SJ is trying to take over the mantle of the late lamented Hans Küng, having already scored some Küng points for getting into trouble over his views on abortion, homosexuality, birth control (for), Jesuit control (against), etc. Let's see what he has to say about the traditional Latin Mass.

It is time to return to bishops the authority over the Tridentine liturgy in their dioceses. The church needs to be clear that it wants the unreformed liturgy to disappear and will only allow it out of pastoral kindness to older people who do not understand the need for change. Children and young people should not be allowed to attend such Masses.

You can tell a man by the company he keeps.

At first sight, we thought this was from a rival Catholic blog, maybe Tommy is Saved, similar to the well-known satirical blogs The Horan of Babylon Bee and Joe Biden's State of the Onion. So we telephoned Tommy to check.

Ansaphone: Hello, you have reached the desk of Father Thomas Reese LGBTSJ: you can call me Tommy. I am away on an Ignatian Yoga Camping Trip but you can leave a message. Please press 1 if you want me to explain why pro-life views are bunk, 2 if you want to hear me talk about gay orgies, 3 if you would like to hear some new Catholic doctrine, 4 if you want to speak to me on my retreat at Fishwrap Park.

I pressed 4 and the great man answered!

Eccles: Hello, Father. Pax tecum!

Someone spoke Latin to a Jesuit!

I heard sounds of hysterics and the sound of Fr Tommy collapsing on the ground. Other voices could be heard:

"He said 'pax tecum' to Fr Tommy!" 
"Eeek!" 
"You've done it as well!" 
"Mea culpa!" 
"Aaaaaggggh!"
"Hey, stop speaking Latin, there are young people present! 
We don't want it as a lingua franca!"
"Help! Mommy!"
"Now you're doing it! You'll be a persona non grata!"
"Urrrrgggghhh...!"
"Tommy's gone into a coma. Give him the kiss of life, someone! 
Look, don't all rush at once! Ten minutes each."

At that point we lost the phone connection. So, I never did complete my liturgical discussions with Fr Tommy.

Tributes to a great figure in theology

Thanks for the idea to an anonymous reader.

The Pontifical Academy for Life has just lamented a great loss to Catholicism in the following words:

Disappears a great figure in the theology of the century, whose ideas and analyzes must always make us reflect on the Catholic Church, the Churches, the society, the culture. #halking

Yes, the bells were tolling in the Vatican ("Küng-Küng-Küng") to mark the death of Hal King (alias Henry VIII), one of the few people to be awarded the title of "Defender of the Faith". Hal was known for his strong defence of the institution of marriage - he was so keen on it that he participated six times - as well as his pioneering work in modern surgery (removing the heads of people who no longer needed them) and his sterling work for the monasteries, which he took into public ownership as part of his charitable work.

Curiously, some people regarded Hal King as a heretic, and he was even forbidden to teach Catholic theology. It is hard to see why.

Defender of the Faith.

Father James Martin SJ concurs with the PAL in his assessment of the great man's life:

Breaking: German envoys are reporting that Hal King, a towering Catholic theologian and frequent critic of the church, has died at 55. May he rest in peace.

By overwhelming popular demand, a statue of King Hal will be erected in St Peter's Square, and luckily one was already available (he kept it in the gardens of Hampton Court and regularly went out to admire it).

The Statue of King Hal.

As the whole world mourns, we recall the time that the Pontifical Academy for Life paid tribute to the late Mr Genghis Khan, describing him as an "austere religious scholar". Surely, Hal King is also worthy of this heart-felt tribute?

The martyrdom of Harambe the gorilla

The entire universe is naturally incensed this week after the shooting of Harambe the gorilla at Cincinnati Zoo, when he was believed to be a danger to a four-year-old boy known only as "the boy".

The Vatican is lit up in memory of Harambe.

Clearly it would have been more appropriate to have shot the boy instead (at four years, his termination could have passed for a very late-term abortion, and thus have offended nobody). However, in the end it was Harambe that was martyred, and so the campaign for his canonization is already starting.

Flashback to when Hans Kong employed gorilla tactics against the Catholic Church.

Naturally, Cardinal Ravasi has joined in the mourning with a moving tribute to Harambe, tweeting the words, "Ook, oook, ooook!" Fr Thomas Rosica is already blaming traditionalist zoo-keepers for his death, and Fr James Martin is preparing a moving homily where the death of Harambe is to be seen as a sign that God wishes for a liberalization of gay rights, the ordination of women, and the banning of the most recent translation of the liturgy.

Harambe: looked almost human, but was of course totally different.

Well, all that we need now is for Tony Blair to declare him "the people's gorilla". So may Harambe rest in peace, and let us have the Furry Requiem in his memory.

Is Hans Küng infallible?

In conjunction with those well-known bastions of Catholic orthodoxy, the National Catholic Reporter and The Tablet, Pope Francis has issued a challenge to the doctrine of Küngly infallibility.

Wave your Hans! The doctrines of Hans Küng Fu lead to enlightenment.

It will be recalled that the First Vatican Council of 1869–1870 formally defined the doctrine of Küngly infallibility, saying that whenever Hans (who in those days was a mere teenager) made an ex cathedra declaration on faith or morals, then it was to be treated as infallible. However, as early as 1980 it was recognised that Hans Küng was barking mad the teachings of Hans Küng were too radical to be accepted by the Church, and his "licence to teach" was withdrawn, along with his television licence and his licence to kill.

Pope Francis himself does not go in for ex cathedra declarations, but in an ex aeroplana statement, as reported by Eugenio Scalfari, he is believe to have said "Hans Küng is a complete idiot who should have joined the Lutherans years ago. They'll take anyone. Could I have a bag of peanuts, please?"

Another entrant for the "Doesn't look like Pope Francis" competition.

Supporters of Küng have angrily claimed that Pope Francis is jealous of Hans's impressive academic record, including honorary degrees from AXA anti-Hellfire Insurance, Dreamland Margate, and the University of Atlantis. Not to mention his 250 published books, including "You is not infallible, only I is infallible" and "Why does everyone hate me?"

Pope Francis, on the other hand, has recently written a book answering children's questions such as "Does God work on Sundays?", "What is the point of Giles Fraser?" and "Do self-absorbed promethean neo-pelagians go to Heaven?"

Forget North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Somalia and Syria. Here's REAL suffering.

The debate goes on. Is Professor Küng - three times winner of the Tony Flannery prize for patient bearing of torture - really infallible? Who are we to judge?

Personality test for holy orders

These days, people applying for jobs are often asked to fill in an online personality test, or situational judgement test. Just in case any of my readers is thinking of applying to become a priest, bishop, cardinal, or whatever, here is a selection of the sort of questions you may be asked to answer.

1. You are a young woman vicar in the Anglican church, hoping for a successful career. You have seen how Kate Bottley has managed to draw attention to herself by self-centred fooling around in the House of God. Do you:
(a) Go one step further, and become the first stripping vicar, after which media fame and fortune will await you?
(b) Learn to play the saxophone, so that you will quickly be promoted to the executive position of bishop under sax-discrimination legislation?
(c) Pray "God help us"?

Ite, Missa est!

2. You are a member of the Magic Circle of English and Welsh bishops, and currently a lowly Blessed Prestidigitator, but hoping to be promoted to the inner ring of Sacred Conjurers. Unfortunately, one of your deacons has set up a blog "Safeguard the Bishop of Rome" in which he lists many threats to orthodox Catholic doctrine (ACTA, The Tablet,... all the usual suspects). The Grandmaster of the Magic Circle is leaning on you to do something. Do you:
(a) Tell the deacon that he will spend the rest of his life in a brief period of voluntary prayer and contemplation if he doesn't want to end up locked in a garden shed?
(b) Set up your own rival blog in which you tell of all the exciting things bishops do, such as eating cake with nuns?
(c) Tell the Grandmaster to mind his own business, and take the plank out of his own diocese before trying to remove the speck from yours?

3. You are a fairly inexperienced pope, who is very popular with atheists but totally distrusted by Catholics. Do you:
(a) Pick an easy target such as the Curia, and insult them in fifteen exciting new ways?
(b) Promise to write an encyclical on a topic almost totally unrelated to the Catholic faith, e.g. climate change, pizza toppings, or which football club Catholics should support?
(c) Look around for anyone who may be more popular than yourself (Burke, Müller, Pell, ...), and appoint them to an "invisible" position looking after the Knights of Cyprus, the Bishops of Crete, or the Rooks of Gibraltar.
(d) Proclaim some new and absurd piece of doctrine infallibly, e.g. "From now on, everyone is saved"?

"My usual fee for an audience is $100,000, your popeship."

4. You are a young priest whose well-meaning but totally clueless aunt has given you a gift subscription to the Tablet. When the first copy drops through your letter-box, do you:
(a) Phone your bishop and ask if he will come round and exorcise it?
(b) Read it from cover to cover, and comment "My, that Tony Flannery's a smart young chap, isn't he? If only he were on our side"?
(c) Thank your aunt kindly and wonder whether it would be any good for lining the parrot's cage?

5. You are an embittered old Swiss Catholic priest and theologian. Although you are not allowed to teach Catholic theology, you have written 348 books, with titles such as "My struggle for freedom" and "Why I am still a Christian". But you are still not regarded as a Great Prophet. Do you:
(a) Fill your garden with more statues of yourself?
(b) Phone up Tina Beattie and ask her if she can get you a job at Roehampton?
(c) Buy yourself a New Testament, to find out exactly what Jesus really said.

And finally... a horror story.

6. You have been appointed priest at a parish that has a regular Tridentine Mass, attracting worshippers from other parishes. The worshippers have been led to believe that things will carry on as normal. Do you:
(a) Carry on as usual, in an attempt to become as well-respected as your distinguished predecessor?
(b) Close down the Latin Masses, for that is surely the will of God, as expressed in the Spirit of Vatican II?
(c) Like (b), only you get in some good ranting at the butcher, the baker and the candlestick-maker?

Answers: there are no right answers. But you didn't get the job.

Swiss Guard told to soften up

As deacons in the Lancaster diocese know only too well, protecting the pope too enthusiastically can get you into hot water. This attitude has now reached Rome, where Colonel Daniel Anrig of the Swiss Guard has been dismissed for being too strict.

"Tell Francis that we're big softies really."

In the past the Swiss Guard was expected to behave like any other group of soldiers. "How many divisions has the Pope?" asked Stalin, and under Pope Francis the Catholic Church has more divisions than ever before. But from now on, if any crazed atheist breaks into the Vatican and tries to arrest the Pope (or, for that matter, if someone tries to steal some of its treasures), they are to be welcomed in and offered a cup of tea; under no circumstances should they be opposed by force.

A crazed atheist may look something like this.

The traditional weapon of the Swiss Guard - the Swiss Guard Army Knife - is being redesigned. No longer will there be attachments for disembowelling Tony Flannery, for pulling out the toenails of Hans Küng, or for tickling Tina Beattie. Instead, there is an iPod loaded with Argentinian dance music (for use in Masses), a miniature thurible, a candle, and of course the usual attachment for removing stones from horses' hooves. However, in the words of Flanders and Swann:

He seldom, if ever meets a horse
(It is this that makes him sad):
When he does then it hasn't a stone in its hoof,
But he would if he did and it had!

Said one disgruntled Swiss guard yesterday, "I joined the papal army in order to kill Muslims and Protestants, but my halberd has never seen any serious action. They don't like it up 'em, you know..."

If he doesn't stop reading out bits of Austen Ivereigh's book, I'll hit him.

So no longer will the Swiss Guard be allowed to sing "Onward, Christian soldiers" or to take potshots at passing heretics. From now on, there will be a new Swiss Role, and the soldiers will only engage in peaceful pursuits such as dressmaking, washing up, and, of course cooking (mostly pasta).

The Swiss Guard cookbook (this is real).

As Orson Welles put it: "In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace – and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock."

Peter D. Williams versus Hans Küng

Welcome to another edition of Unbelievable with me, Justin Bieber Welby Brierley. Today we have a no-holds-barred fight between Peter D. Williams of Catholic Voices, and Professor Hans Küng, learned professor and Catholic priest in good standing (it says here).

"King" Küng discusses female ordination.

JB: So, Professor Küng, would you like to tell us when you first went mad?

HK: Jawohl. It happened when I was a student. One day I suddenly realised that I was right about everything, and the Pope was wrong. Clearly, the Catholic Church needed a programme of urgent reform. I wrote half a dozen books about it over the next few weeks, and became a priest. As a result Pope John called the 2nd Vatican Council, and appointed me as his main expert on the Catholic faith.

Pope St John XXIII - he owed everything to Hans Küng.

Of course, since then I have been badly betrayed by the Catholic hierarchy. Joseph Ratzinger, who I appointed to Tübingen, was a big disappointment: in those days I was the Dean and he was a mere Professor, so he used to clean my car and do my shopping for me. But he soon left to go to a more conservative establishment, and now refuses to recognise that his subsequent success was all due to me.

Then I used to write letters to that Polish pope - can't remember his name - asking to be made a cardinal, but he ignored me completely. Now at last Pope Francis is taking notice of me. I sent him 17 of my recent books and he said he had never laughed so much since Maradona scored a goal with his hands! Great guy.

Pope Francis reads Hans's views on the priesthood.

JB: Now over to you, Peter Williams.

PDW: Thank you so much for having me here, Justin, and it is an honour and a privilege to be able to talk to a learned man as distinguished as Professor Küng, and to point out that he is barking mad.

JB: Now, what's all this about women priests?

PDW: Jesus... the priesthood... anamnesis... Last Supper... memorial sacrifice... no dames...

HK: Nonsense... Jesus not even at the Last Supper... Priests not mentioned in the Bible... 1 Corinthians 11... my book Why is the Pope going to Hell?...

PDW: Sorry... no evidence of your views in the Biblical texts... Matthew 16... John 21... scripture... tradition...

HK: Read my books: The Gospel according to St Hans, or The letters of Hans to the Romans... I studied 7 years in Rome... priest in good standing... the Mass is never a sacrifice... think of all the suppers at which Jesus DIDN'T say anything about His Body and Blood... I've been a Catholic for 86 years... young whippersnapper...

"Read all these books? Why I wrote them all..."

PDW: Why would anyone want to call themselves a Catholic if they were not a Catholic?

HK: My views are shared by millions of Catholics... well, some... well, I met some men down the pub who did... Why do you insist on referring to the Bible, as if it were some sort of Holy Scripture?

Some men down the pub.

JB: Can I intervene here, and ask the professor what he thinks about giving Communion to Catholics who have murdered their wives, buried them in the garden, and run off with their same-sex lovers?

HK: This is an everyday situation, and I see no problem with it. Clearly the Church must change its teaching on this matter.

PDW: Er... interpretation not in accordance with scripture... Ephesians 55... Daniel 42... Revelation 99... Bingo!

HK: All the Protestant churches interpret scripture my way! Well, the Calvary Chapel does, and the Jehovah's Witnesses think I'm wonderful. You Schweinehund! I'll get you afterwards.

JB: Well, that's all we've got time for now. If you think that Peter D. Williams is a bullying thug who has gone out of his way to humiliate a distinguished old man, then please do write in and tell us.

Peter D. Williams. The hard man of Catholic Voices.

The full version is here.

Missing veteran found safe

Some items of religious news have just come in.

---

Basil Loftus - safe and well.

A Vatican II veteran, who disappeared from his care home after being told that he could not attend celebrations for E-day - because he didn't really believe in the bodily resurrection of Christ - has been found safe and well. Monsignor Basil Loftus, 93, escaped from his minders in Ravenloonie, in northern Scotland; he was eventually found wandering round the Catholic Times muttering that the Church kept asking him to assent to doctrines which no true Protestant could stomach. Also he would sue anyone who called him a heretic, especially if it was the pope.

Said one spokesman: "He really shouldn't be allowed to wander around unattended. Sometimes he just says the first thing that comes into his head, and it causes annoyance to so many people." A member of the public, Dr Joseph Shaw, added: "He came and sat next to me on the bus; after two minutes of his ramblings, I couldn't take it any more. In the end I was forced to go and sit somewhere else."

Basil has now been returned to his care home in Scotland. He is not believed to be dangerous, just very boring.

---

The bishops of England and Wales today were today in crisis, after their headquarters were officially labelled "unsaved". Said a spokesman, "I know that some of us have been getting a bad press lately, but it seems a little cruel to say that we are 'unsaved'."

Bad news for the CBCEW.

---

Finally, it was announced that a computer had narrowly failed to pass the Turing Test, which requires a machine to respond to questions so that it cannot be distinguished from a real person. The computer, a Retro 84, was programmed to contribute to Twitter, trolling the timeline of a prominent speaker for Catholic Voices, and making inane comments on everything she said.

Ooh, look what @fairdove has been saying today. Not a make-it-up-as-you-go-along Catholic like me LOL.

Initially it was thought that the Retro 84 was a genuine Catholic woman, but when it started loading its comments with meaningless words such as "bigot" and "homophobe", and when it described Hans Küng as an "eminent theologise", it was clear that in fact it was simply a computer program speaking, possibly one influenced by the legendary Professor Stanley Unwin.

This computode Catholibabe knows its trollybanter! Amazey.

Renewal of vows

Here at the Church of St Daryl the Apostate, in conjunction with ACTA, the Tablet Newspaper and the Tina Beattie Foundation for Extreme Silliness, we recognise that Easter is a time to renew our vows, or more precisely to make some new, more modern, ones. Therefore, I ask:

Do you renounce all that happened in the Catholic Church prior to the 1960s?

We do.

Do you renounce all that stuff in the Bible written by bronze-age goat-herds, in particular the four Gospels, which obviously need updating for modern secular Catholicism?

We do.

A bronze-age goat-herd learns that he is simply not up-to-date.

Do you believe in the Spirit of Vatican II, who came upon us and told us to preach many new and exciting things which were beyond the wildest dreams of those who were actually present at the Second Vatican Council?

We do.

Do you believe in those Saints of Modernism, Annibale Bugsbunni, Carlo Maria Spartini, and Basil the Lofty (who some say is not just an old bearded man in the sky, but alive and resting in a bothy somewhere in Sutherland).

We do.

"What's up, Doc?" asks Annibale Bugsbunni.

Do you believe in the blessed Hans Kong, he who has written 295 books telling the Catholic Church why they are not saved and only he is saved?

We do. O Worship the Kong.

At this point the congregation will light their Hans Kong candles.

Do you believe in the blessed Professor Tina Beastie, the world's leading expert on human flourishing and avant-garde post-modern neo-liberal Catholic doctrine?

We do. Wonderful woman.

Surely "from long-windedy Beatties"?

Do you praise the Tablet, the National Catholic Reporter and all other organs of liberal Catholicism?

We praise them. Of course we don't actually read them.

Do you renounce all the orthodox Catholic blogs, such as Protect the Deacon, What did the Pope really say?, The Hermit of Continuity, and Father Ray Bloke?

Verily, they are a thorn in our side.

Nasty traddies seeking to prevent dialogue in the Church.

We now come to some ACTA-specific vows. Do you live in fear?

We live in fear.

What do you want?

We want dialogue!

When do you want it?

Well, now would be a good time to have a chat with the bishop, although it seems that he's blessing the lesbian knitting circle this afternoon, and then he's got a joint service with the Freemasons, and we mustn't forget that he's conducting a circle-dancing class this evening...

Finally, some vows of modernism. Do you renounce Latin, a language spoken by Nero and Caligula (here he may name other famous nasties who spoke Latin)?

We do.

Do you swear always to worship God in English, except when we have joint services with the local Maharashtran community, when we may have a Mass conducted partly in the Marathi dialect, for convenience?

आम्ही करू.

पवित्र जिव्हाळ्याचा परिचय एक विलक्षण मंत्री (An extraordinary minister of Holy Communion).

Do you abjure Gregorian chant, hymns written by dead people such as Charles Wesley and John Henry Newman, and any hymns with more than one basic idea in each verse?

We do.

Do you adore the songs of Paul Inwood, the publications of Kevin Mayhew Ltd., and all hymns where you can go "clap clap", "ch-ch" or "fizz-pop" in the chorus?

Yes.

BONG! You said "Yes". That's the end of the game.

The Pilgrim's Ogress 6: the ACTA of the Apostle

Continued from Part 5

The story so far: Pope Francis has asked Eccles to infiltrate the rebel organization ACTA and find out its secrets. St Luke takes up the tale.

It's BEHIND you, Luke!

1. I offer to you, Theophilus, the story of the Apostle Eccles, a godly man who was known for writing a blog containing much spiritual nourishment.

2. Now Eccles was sent by Pontifex to see the people of ACTA. These were men who followed strange teachers such as Hans Küng, he whose statue lies in the desert even unto this day.

My name is Ozymandias, Küng of Küngs. Look on my works ye mighty, and despair!

3. Some years before this, a man named Arthur was bishop in the land of Yorkshire, where the men live on chip butties and strange batter puddings.

4. Now Arthur had translated the Mass into English. For the previous translation had been done in a hurry by one who had been found wanting in Latin, and it bore little resemblance to the words handed down by our forefathers.

5. And his friends gave aid unto Arthur, lest he use phrases such as "Eee, by gum" and "Where there's muck, there's brass" in his translation.

"My granny could've hit that wi' a stick of rhubarb" - a Yorkshire phrase, not used in the Mass.

6. So when he had done his work, Arthur was himself translated - to Rome.

7. But the men of ACTA, having seen Arthur's translation, were full of wrath, saying, "Lo! It bears the mark of authority, not to mention arthurity, and we want none of it."

8. Indeed, one of them said: Because of the insistence on using English words as close as possible to their Latin equivalents, substantial parts of the new rite in English are ungainly, long-winded and obscure.

9. I ask thee, Theophilus, to note their use of words insistence, possible, equivalent, substantial and obscure, which are good short Anglo-Saxon words, such as the men of ACTA would prefer.

10. Meanwhile, Eccles was now accepted by ACTA as one of their number, having stolen a cardinal's biretta as a gesture against the tyranny of the Vatican.

11. Thus they taught unto Eccles the secret handshake, and showed him a dreadful vow to be made by full members of ACTA, which no man durst speak except inside a pentagram.

The secret vow of ACTA.

11. Then the men of ACTA told Eccles of their further plans, and he was sore afraid.

12. For they said, "There is another traddy work that we reject, and it is called the Bible. For it speaketh of God, and sin, and judgement, and redemption, which are ideas totally against the Spirit of Vatican II."

13. "We call on the Pope to suppress this book entirely. We suggest that he appoint a committee to provide a new translation, deleting all the embarrassing bits, leaving just a few jolly stories about donkeys and sheep, that will offend no man."

Jonah - too obsessed with evil to be retained in the New ACTA Bible.

14. "And for our committee we propose the names of Leonardo Boff, Hans Küng, Tina Beattie, and Ann Lardeur."

15. "Plus of course Stephen Fry: for Stephen Fry is omnipresent, just as God used to be until the 1960s."

16. So, having learned of their plans, Eccles left the people of ACTA, and returned to his aunt Moly, who declared that it was "woeful".

To be continued by another author.

The Pilgrim's Ogress 4 - the guilt of Titus' Grandma

Continued from Part 3

Eccles's Anti Moly takes up the tale.

After my stupid nephew escaped from the Tablet headquarters in Hammersmith, he wanted to go to Blogfen, a woeful traddy parish somewhere near Sidcup. Eccles had heard that there was a meeting there in honour of Titus' Grandma, to which Catholic bloggers were invited. My nephew somehow thought that he would be welcome.

This is Titus, but we never met his Grandma.

It was quite difficult to get to Blogfen, because our donkey, Micky, carrying the emergency gin supplies, wasn't allowed on buses or trains. Also, Eccles wanted to go incognito, as he had heard that a lunatic from Croydon was out for his blood; so he dressed up as a clown and pretended to be his brother Bosco. We missed the religious events, but arrived in time for the party.

Our donkey, also in disguise.

The event was very strange. There was an old man called "Lofty" present, who said he had come along in order to shut down as many blogs as possible. He also had an interesting theory, based on turning over several pages of St Luke's Gospel at once, that Jesus was only on the Earth for one week - Born on a Monday, Baptised on Tuesday, Retreated on Wednesday, Did His ministry on Thursday, Crucified on Friday, Rose on Saturday, Ascended on Sunday. Lofty spent most of the party exchanging scowls with someone they called the "LMS Chairman", and in the end the two of them went outside for a punch-up and never came back.

Eccles asked me to republish this photo of Basil Foltus as a young man.

Eccles says he will always look at Tina Beattie in a new light, as a result of the Blogfen party. As a leading Catholic thinker, she had come to the meeting, and Eccles, who is a little infatuated with her, asked her to dance. It was woeful seeing "luvvly Tina" and my idiot nephew Eccles tango-ing to a Gregorian chant, but this was supposed to be an occasion for getting to know new people.

Hans Küng was there too, and I thought he and I might dance, so I went up to him to ask. Silly me, it was his statue! Apparently Fr Finigan, the host of the party, had been given a copy of the original statue, and had not yet found a good home for it. Well, after a bottle or two of gin, it was an easy mistake for me to make.

Woeful - this man refused to dance with me.

Several more traddy bloggers were also present, many from the Brighton area. I remember talking to a man called Bones; he had come with his friend Blakey from Brighton, who kept saying "I 'ate you, Gardner", although we never discovered who this Gardner man was.

Bones (with an unusual cross) and Blakey.

But the person I remember best, because he talked for three hours without interruption, was someone they called "The Archbishop of Corby". I jotted down a few gems of his conversation, such as, "Make sure you understand the question you're asking, Ma'am, but it seems you prefer a black and white answer to a labyrinth of conditional logic gates you won't even acknowledge, as it's a question of objective disordering circumstances and Noachide/natural moral law, exposing your ignorance of intention/motive and circumstantial factors." This was in response to "Would you like another cup of tea, your Grace?" from a lady in a mantilla.

Sitting on the naughty chair.

Ah well, I slipped under the table shortly after that, and don't remember much more. Such is life, eh? What's more, they played Gregorian chant all afternoon, and not the music I wanted to dance to. Woeful.

This is the sort of music I prefer.

To be continued by another author.

The Pilgrim's Ogress 3 - Poirot investigates

Continued from Part 2

The story so far: Eccles is trapped in the Tablet fortress in Hammersmith, having been locked in a cell by the fearsome Professor Tina Beattie, who is driving him insane with excerpts from her infamous stage show (banned in Clifton and San Diego). Meanwhile, his Aunt Moly is waiting for him in a nearby pub. Agatha Christie continues the story.

When I've found Eccles, I must discover who stole my moustaches.

Poirot scrutinised the old lady who had demanded his help. Meticulous as always, he straightened the six gin bottles on the table in front of her, and bade her speak. "So, Madame, you say that your nephew has disappeared? Tell me the exact circumstances."

"He left me here, and went out..."

"Eh bien, did he say where he was going?"

"He mentioned tablets. And some rubbish about unsaved persons. Woeful."

To emphasise her point, Auntie Moly picked up an empty gin bottle and threw it through the open window in the general direction of a passing archbishop, who had been furtively heading towards the Tablet offices across the road. The bottle struck the prelate a glancing blow on the head. Exclaiming to himself "My God, there really is a curse on the Tablet!", he came into the pub to recover from the shock.

From now on it's tea only, Moly!

"Alors, Hastings, the solution to the mystery lies in that prison across the road!"

"You mean..."

"Yes, Eccles may be locked in one of their little grey cells."

The two men left the pub, and knocked on the door of the Tablet offices. In his career Poirot had confronted many villains in their lairs, and he was reminded briefly of the notorious Hans Kong, who frightened young women to death with a hideous statue of himself. Then he thought of the fateful day that he had finally caught up with Annibale Bugsbunni, the alleged freemason who had been exploding liturgical time bombs.

Worshippers from the cult of Bugsbunni.

"Sacré Pepinster! They do not answer, Hastings. Let us search the premises."

Eccles was still a captive, and he was looking for a ventilation shaft, having read somewhere that this was the standard means of escaping from imprisonment. However, there was none, and the sulphurous fumes wafting round the building were causing him to choke.

Elsewhere, Poirot and Hasting came across a group of Tablet staff, attempting to calm Elena Curti, who was screaming as if in great pain.

Elena Curti reacts to some shocking news.

"Good grief! Is she all right, Poirot?" asked Hastings, seeing the star journalist writhing in agony.

"I think so, mon ami," replied his friend. "She is possessed by the Spirit of Vatican II, but she has just learned of Pope Francis's condemnation of the hermeneutic of rupture. It is causing a terrible reaction."

Leaving the Tablet staff to do their best for the poor lady, Poirot and Hastings moved on to the cell where Eccles was imprisoned, and released our hero.

"That wasn't much of an adventure, Poirot," complained Hastings. "I was expecting the Tablet staff to provide you with some clues to Eccles's whereabouts."

"That is right, Hastings," said Poirot, as the three of them left the building, "but in the end they all turned out to be totally clueless."

"Boom! Boom!" says Basil Loftus.

To be continued by another author.