Did John-Paul II and Benedict XVI inspire the Washington riot?

Part of a newly-discovered manuscript by Agatha Christie.

Miss Marbles was a white-haired old lady with a gentle appealing manner, and known as "Loster" Marbles to her nearest and dearest. However, her great friend Sir Henry Blithering, a retired Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police, knew that if anyone could solve the mystery of the Washington riots, it would be she.

"Do you have any thoughts on the matter, Miss Marbles?" he asked. "Does this remind you of any incidents in your life at St Mary Roehampton?"

Miss Marbles' eyes twinkled. "Now you mention it, Sir Henry, there was the time when a window was broken in the Centre for Human Flourishing, and it turned out to be caused by a cricket ball struck by one of the visiting Sexist Priests team, which was playing against our own Catholic Deaconesses XI. Sometimes there is great evil in the world."

She completed a stitch in the woolly biretta that she was knitting for her niece Raymonda, who was hoping to become the next pope, and continued her analysis of the hideous crimes in Washington.

"Human nature is much the same everywhere," she explained, "whether we are talking about crime in a small village or a large city. There are two wicked men in the world who now think their evil will go unpunished, but I rely on you, Sir Henry, to bring them to justice."

"But who are they?" asked Sir Henry.

Miss Marbles gave a self-deprecating smile, and carried on with her knitting for a while, before continuing.

"Why, Sir Henry, who could be guilty of this dreadful evil except Pope St John-Paul II and Pope Benedict XVI?"

"We're safe unless Hercule Poirot or Miss Marple turns up."

"But John-Paul is dead, and Benedict has retired to spend his life in praying and drinking beer!"

"We should always consider the most unlikely person," said Miss Marbles firmly. "They obviously thought that they were beyond suspicion, but a man who is refusing to ordain women is capable of organizing insurrection, whether he is young, aged, or even long dead. Even canonized saints can go astray."

Sir Henry reflected briefly on the possibility that Miss Marbles was losing her grip, before realising that, once again, the sage of St Mary Roehampton had unerringly pointed her finger at the evil doers.

"Benedict was prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, the Inquisition," he commented. "I didn't expect that!"

"Nobody expects the Inquisition," said Miss Marbles sweetly.

This is a bit too sensational, so don't publish it until I'm dead. Agatha.

The British 10 Commandments

Following on from the Government's decree that schools should promote "British values", we have been trying to find out what these are. Is it old ladies drinking warm beer as they cycle across the cricket pitch to Mass in the morning mist, or is it something more concrete?

Miss Marple on the trail of someone without British values.

We are therefore grateful to Michael Gove for providing us with an advance copy of the 10 Commandments, edited to incorporate British values.

1. I am the LORD your God: you shall not have strange Gods before me.

In modern secular Britain, it's best if you have no gods at all: indeed, you can get into trouble for preaching Christian doctrine, especially if you actually mean it. There is no ban on strange Prophets, however, so Muslims can say what they like, unless they go so far as to wander around with hooks threatening to blow up people.

2. You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.

Blasphemy isn't really a problem these days: we're more worried about "hate speech", and there are certain words you may not say, such as the N-word or various synonyms for "homosexual". Using "Christ" or "Jesus" as a swear word is perfectly all right, and even encouraged.

Bloody Hell, did I just say "Cripes"? Sorry, folks.

3. Remember to keep holy the LORD'S Day.

Yes, Sunday is the day for worshipping Mammon. Get down to the shops and stimulate the economy! Or watch football. Of course some eccentrics may prefer to go to Church, but there are no proposals to make this illegal. Oh, Nick says there are. But not before 2015.

4. Honour your father and your mother.

We've had to scrap this, as a majority of Britons don't know who their father and mother are. Others will, quite naturally, have two fathers or two mothers in a loving same-sex marriage. Anyway, who wants to honour an old fuddy-duddy who could be well over 30?

We're soon going to hear the patter of tiny feet!

5. You shall not kill.

We Britons are very proud of having abolished capital punishment for people guilty of murder; contrariwise, we are equally proud to support abortion, euthanasia (soon), and other ways of bumping off the innocent.

6. You shall not commit adultery.

Since we've nearly abolished marriage, we have de facto abolished adultery. Result! Of course, fornication is frowned upon in some circles, but hey! this is the 21st century, and sex is a very British invention.

This is postmodern irony. Or something.

7. You shall not steal.

Quite right too. Of course, as MPs, we personally don't need to steal, as if we require the odd duck house we can claim it on expenses. Or we can flip our "second" homes to get a favourable mortgage deal. Or claim that our live-in lover is our landlord. No, stealing is right out. Put away that striped pullover, the mask and the bag marked "SWAG". They're unBritish.

8. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour.

Note that lying in general (or "politics" as we call it) is perfectly permissible. It is well known that British politicians are the most honest in the world: well, more honest than the Greeks, Egyptians and Kazakhs, at least. Possibly. However, it is unBritish to make up stories about people, unless you're a Daily Mail journalist.

...and I heard that Mrs Gove at Number 6 was a Russian spy running a cannabis factory...

9. You shall not covet your neighbour's wife.

This has been extended to live-in partners, whether of the same sex, the opposite sex, neither sex, both sexes or undefined. Our core British values are Equality and Diversity, and we certainly aren't transphobic! Now, a little coveting is perfectly British, but nonetheless, Nick tells us that even he has slept with fewer than 30 women; so if your street contains more than 30 neighbours' wives, don't covet them all.

10. You shall not covet your neighbour's goods.

Who makes up this rubbish? How are we to stimulate British industry by selling more cars, washing-machines, etc. unless people do their duty and get coveting? Coveting is a British tradition!

How I wish I had a nice house in Downing Street!