Nobody expects the Argentine Inquisition

Nobody expects the Argentine Inquisition! Our main weapon is kissing... kissing and healing... two main weapons. And a fanatical devotion to the Pope. Three main weapons. Oh, and adultery. I'll come in again.

You are charged with the crime of quoting Monty Python yet again.

Consider this post as another item in our long-running series "How to be a good pope" - designed for those who went to a conclave and were elected to the top job by an overwhelming 120 votes (this slightly surprised you, as there were only 115 cardinal-electors, but then your mates in the St Gallstone Mafia weren't taking any chances!)

Remember the Supreme Sacred Congregation of the Roman and Universal Inquisition? Well, it's now called the Dicastery for the Doctrine of the Faith, which doesn't sound nearly as impressive. And it needs a new boss. The first chap to run the show was Antonio Ghislieri, who later became Pope Pius V and a saint, so you must be very careful to choose a successor of equal merit.

St Pius V - not known for writing books about kissing.

Anyway, you seem to have found the ideal candidate. You already have a track record of brilliant appointments to dicasteries - the Catholic World is lost in wonder at the exploits of Arthur "Two-dinners" Rogue in the Divine Worship office - and your old pal Archbishop Victor, alias "Touchy-feely", looks like a worthy successor to Pope St Pius V.

A quick look at his CV shows that he wrote a book called Kiss me quick, baby. A guide to healing. We're hoping that this will be made into a blockbuster film, with Austen Ivereigh in the role of the great healer. Moreover, Touch-feely helped ghost-write your own bestselling Amorous Letitia, the story of a libertine who was welcomed back into the church and (I never got that far, but I'm guessing) ended up as a Jesuit priest. This sort of thing is guaranteed to annoy the rigid backwardist indietrists who are making life so difficult for you.

Now, Touchy-Feely, how do you plan to "sex up" Catholic teaching?

Good. You've made another brilliant appointment. Box ticked.

What's next on the agenda? Oh yes, sending the boys round to beat up Bishop Strickland, who's been stepping out of line by giving a moral lead. No problem...

Did John-Paul II and Benedict XVI inspire the Washington riot?

Part of a newly-discovered manuscript by Agatha Christie.

Miss Marbles was a white-haired old lady with a gentle appealing manner, and known as "Loster" Marbles to her nearest and dearest. However, her great friend Sir Henry Blithering, a retired Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police, knew that if anyone could solve the mystery of the Washington riots, it would be she.

"Do you have any thoughts on the matter, Miss Marbles?" he asked. "Does this remind you of any incidents in your life at St Mary Roehampton?"

Miss Marbles' eyes twinkled. "Now you mention it, Sir Henry, there was the time when a window was broken in the Centre for Human Flourishing, and it turned out to be caused by a cricket ball struck by one of the visiting Sexist Priests team, which was playing against our own Catholic Deaconesses XI. Sometimes there is great evil in the world."

She completed a stitch in the woolly biretta that she was knitting for her niece Raymonda, who was hoping to become the next pope, and continued her analysis of the hideous crimes in Washington.

"Human nature is much the same everywhere," she explained, "whether we are talking about crime in a small village or a large city. There are two wicked men in the world who now think their evil will go unpunished, but I rely on you, Sir Henry, to bring them to justice."

"But who are they?" asked Sir Henry.

Miss Marbles gave a self-deprecating smile, and carried on with her knitting for a while, before continuing.

"Why, Sir Henry, who could be guilty of this dreadful evil except Pope St John-Paul II and Pope Benedict XVI?"

"We're safe unless Hercule Poirot or Miss Marple turns up."

"But John-Paul is dead, and Benedict has retired to spend his life in praying and drinking beer!"

"We should always consider the most unlikely person," said Miss Marbles firmly. "They obviously thought that they were beyond suspicion, but a man who is refusing to ordain women is capable of organizing insurrection, whether he is young, aged, or even long dead. Even canonized saints can go astray."

Sir Henry reflected briefly on the possibility that Miss Marbles was losing her grip, before realising that, once again, the sage of St Mary Roehampton had unerringly pointed her finger at the evil doers.

"Benedict was prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, the Inquisition," he commented. "I didn't expect that!"

"Nobody expects the Inquisition," said Miss Marbles sweetly.

This is a bit too sensational, so don't publish it until I'm dead. Agatha.

Saint of the week - St Nicholas

Here's a little exercise for you. Can you identify the saints in this photo?

Obviously readers of this blog will have no trouble here, although most non-religious members of the general public will probably only identify the chap on the right. The lady on the left is of course St Mary, and she may even appear in a few remaining nativity plays, although, out of deference to the sensibilities of Muslims, atheists, etc. she is nowadays only allowed to hold a teddy-bear rather than the baby Jesus.

The chap in the middle? There's a clue in the keys, isn't there? Unlikely to be St Zita of Lucca, the patron saint of lost keys, as she was definitely female. Although in these days of gender-flexibility, who knows? Anyway, the answer of course is St Peter, the rock on whom the Church is said to be founded.

Which leaves number three, St Nicholas, also known as Santa Claus or even Father Christmas. Everyone knows him. People are even paid to impersonate him and sit in "Santa's Grotto" giving out toys around this time of year.

St Nicholas (15th March 270 – 6th December 343) was bishop of Myra. He is known for going "Ho! Ho! Ho!" and keeping company with elves who made toys. This is unusual for bishops, although there is perhaps an obvious exception (instead of elves, he has the St Patrick's Day Parade).

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" says Cardinal Dolan.

It is difficult to find many other bon mots attributable to the bishop of Myra. Some say that he used to ask people "Have you been naughty or nice this year?" - a function now partly taken by Cardinal Müller of the Inquisition. Another wise saying attributable to St Nicholas is "Come and sit on my knee, little girl, and tell me what you'd like for Christmas" - there is currently no bishop with this specific responsibility, as far as we could tell.

Myra is in Turkey, a rather warm place to find reindeer, and so the legend that its bishop used to drive around in a reindeer-drawn sleigh with jingling bells is disputed by scholars. One may expect to hear a certain hymn on Songs of Praise, which, in its original plainsong version, went something like this:

Let the bells jingle, for is it not pleasing to ride in an open sleigh that is drawn by a single horse?

All in a night's work for your bishop.

Thus it is possible that the bishop's "one horse" has been exaggerated into "eight reindeer", possibly including a ninth with a red nose. A historian's lot is not a happy one.

Well, that's all you really need to know, except that St Nicholas is remembered for various miracles - the one in which he squeezed himself down all the chimneys in Myra in a single night in order to leave gifts is perhaps the most famous, although there are others, such as the one about resurrecting three dead-and-pickled boys, which is a bit too gruesome for a blog like this.

Anyway, St Nicholas is appreciated by Christians and atheists alike, and that must be something of a miracle.

"I'm staying up all night in the hope of seeing Santa Claus."

How to be a bishop

I receive many letters from Catholic priests in good standing, telling me that they have been sent letters similar to the following one. Naturally, they ask for my advice.

Uneasy lies the head that wears a mitre.

Dear Fr Crony, You have been specially selected by our computer to become Bishop of the diocese of Arrogant and Brittle. The job comes with a beautiful house in scenic Pease Pudding, and your own company bicycle. Accept now without delay! Yours, Pope Brian XIX.

Of course you'll say "yes", but what should you wear? It is important not to stand out from the crowd, and so I recommend an old football shirt for everyday wear. On ceremonial occasions (in particular, religious worship), you should wear the company uniform, including a mitre, but even a dog-collar is considered to be overdressing when you attend discos in aid of CAFOD.

Now available in red!

As a bishop, you are the shepherd of your flock, but occasionally you will find that one of your priests has been "stitched up" in an article by an unscrupulous journalist. For example, the priest may write a blog, the contents of which are distorted, and made-up quotations added. Your duty is plain here - apologise for him. Explain that you don't read blogs. Do not on any account offend the press, the broadcasters or the secular media in general! By going against the general consensus of the Catholic Church, you will stand out as a man of principle!

Well done, Bishop!

As a bishop you will be approached occasionally by off-beat organizations, such as GERIACTA, the organization of 80-year-old Catholic rebels who want to depose the Pope and set up a Politburo. Give them your support, Bishop! Arrange meetings with them, explain that dissent is the life-blood of the Catholic Church, and that we should welcome people of all beliefs and none! Why, if a leading Catholic institution such as the Mater Misericordiae Hospital in Dublin is prepared to conduct abortions (and to drop the "Mater" title, as it's really not appropriate now), it's clear that Catholic dogma must have changed beyond recognition. Out go Humanae Vitae and the other fuddy-duddy documents! In comes your own Episcopal Encyclical Fac Rem Tuam (or, since Latin is obviously not "cool", you may just say Do your own thing).

Wrong, wrong, wrong!

Another job of a bishop is to interpret Christian doctrine. There's no point leaving it to those guys in Rome - they don't understand the everyday problems of Arrogant and Brittle. Make some really outrageous statement such as "The gospel has little to say about sexual behaviour." When the laughter dies down, you will find that you have opened the floodgates to fornication, adultery, incest, homosexual acts, ... so you will make lots of new friends, and may get invitations to wild parties!

The sort of wacky fun that your new friends get up to.

Well, there's only one fly in the ointment, dear infallible bishop, which will stop you doing and saying exactly what you want. Some meddlesome traddy troublemaker with a totally different idea of a bishop's responsibilities may kick up a fuss. So keep a suitcase packed in case a quick departure is required!

If this van draws up outside your house, be very afraid!

How to be in good stand-in

Farver Arfur is at a loose end right now, as he tells us dat Chritsmas dont begin until de evenin service tonihgt, and so we is still in Addvent. Dis means dat we is forbidden to show good will to poeple, and has gotta carry on insulltin dem.

De pitcher above shows a letter dat Arfur carries ruond wiv him at all times, singed by his bishopp, to say dat he is in good stand-in. De main points is as follows.

* Owin to a misunderstandin, he have been ordianed priest and we aint yet mannaged to get dis fixed.

* He aint got a crinimal record under de name he uses, aldough of course he may have some Anonnymous sockpoppet names as well dat we aint heard about.

* He is great with chilldren, it's only adullts he can't stand.

Dat's a pitcher of Farver Arfur showin dat he is good wiv kids.

* He aint interessted in sex, drink, drugs, smokin, tellevisoin, fatty foods, books, mussic or anyfink else dat mihgt give pleasure.

* He aint a ravin loony, or at least not bad enuogh to stop him bein a cosstume holly man.

Singed by his bishopp, wot is a reel bishopp cos he have got a Babble-onion fish hat.

Dat's a new pitcher of Arfur's bishopp, wot holds him in high regardds and invites him reggular to tea parties.

Arfur is still a bit impattient, as he says dat de Pop hasnt yet repplied to his reqquest for a job wiv de Inquisitoin, tormentin poeple. Still it made choosin him a Christmas pressent very easy for us, as he can wear dis on all occassions.

I concludes wiv Chritsmas greetings from all 4 people wot is currently crammed into Bosco Towers (I hopes dat Anti Moly and Arfur are only temporarry geusts).

Bosco: Unless you knows Jessus pussonally like I does, you aint got a hope of bein saved, and is goin into de Lake of Fire. I hopes dat knowin dis dont spiol your Chritsmas.

Anti Moly: I dont believe in god or gods, but dey says dat Chritsmas is a time for finkin of absent freinds. So if Rolf Harrass or Goerge Pell wants to come ruond, we got lots of bottles of Chritsmas spirrit left.

Arfur: Eccles, at 1 p.m. on December 24th you said to me "Merry Chritsmas." Dis is a blashpemy as it is in fact still Addvent. Anyways, dere aint nuffink to be merry about. De Catacoms of the Churhc dont mentoin bein merry, does dey?

Eccles (me): Um, Happy Chritsmas to all loyyal readers. By readin dis blogg, you is sure on de road to bein saved.

De Moly Cod

My Grate-anti Moly is a keen debater on bloggs, but when she loses de argumment she often shouts out ROFL! I fought at first dat it was just de dreaded Roflitis illness dat she got (when I comes into her room, she is often rollin around on de floor like a large black barrel), but now I realise dat what she means to say is ROLF, it is a coded cry for help to anuvver famuous Austrialan what used to be a boyfreind of hers, when Cradinal Pell ran away to become a cosstume holly man.

Rofl is 81, so he is still a bit yuonger dan Anti Moly, but dey was grate pals about 50 years ago. Howevver, I has to deny de wicked rumuors dat dey had any kids togetther, and dat dere is a grandson livin in Brisbain. When de Queen visitted Austriala a few months ago, dere was a very rude man wot showed his bottom to de Queen (she describbed it as an "Anus Horribilis"), and de specullation was dat he was Anti's granddson. Since she dennies dis strenously, we has to give her de bennyfit of de duobt.

Meanwhile, we is bein kept awake at nihgt by de suonds of "Tie me kagnaroo down, spot," and "Waltzing Mattilde," from someone serenadin outside Anti Moly's window. We aint sure whevver it is Rofl Harris or Cradinal Pell, but anyway Anti frew a bucket of water over him and he went away. As you see from dis pitcher, Cradinal Pell is tryin to introduce tradditoinal Austrialan music to de Pop, so he is also a susspect.

After we heard Anti Moly singin "Tan my hide when I'm dead, Fred" round de house, Bosco and me went to de local leather shop and asked if dey cuold do us a good deal on our Grate Anti. Dey is gonna come back to us wiv an esstimate. Wiv skin like hers dere probabbly aint much to do.

Farver Arfur has sent a letter to de Pop, sayin dat it wuold be good to open a branch of de Inquisitoin in Callifornia, and while he is visitin us he wuold be verry happy to torcher poeple in de name of de Lord (but if de Pop dont mind, he prefers to torcher traddy Cathlics, after readin out to dem a long list of dere sins, especailly all de bad fings dey has said).

Arfur is still hidin in our house, in case Dakwins comes to arrest him, and he has been convertin a spare room into a torcher chabmer. He finks de Pop will be impressed by his enthusiams.

De coral signers

De Calumny Chappel has organized some coral signing, in order to raise money for a good charitty (dis year we is payin for Pastor Macaroni to get a forged passport and flee de cuontry). What we does is knocks on doors at 11 p.m. and says to de poeple wot answers "Give us de money buster or we gonna sign 'Away in a Mangler' very luod and wake up all your kids."

Dat's a typical satisfied cusstomer after Bosco has sung a lollaby fortisimmo frew his letter box.

Sometimes we signs corals what Bosco has adappted for saved poeple to sign, like dis one:

While shehperds watched dere flocks by nihgt,
Dey wasn't saved like us,
Cos everyfink we says is right,
And everyfink we does.

Anti Moly came along too, even dough she aint relligiuos, as de opportunity of screeming "Woeful" into poeple's letterboxes was too good to miss.

We allso got some support from Farver Arfur. He is still in hidin from Richard Dakwins, but one of Dakwins's pals has just died, so perhaps he wont be commin to look for Farver Arfur dis week. Anyways, Farver Arfur felt dat it was safe to come out, providded dat he wore a disgiuse. For a proffesionnal cosstume holly man, it was quite easy to find siutable vestments for de Advent seasson.

Unforttunatly, Farver Arfur interrupted one of our carols, sayin in a stern vioce: "At 11.30 p.m. todday you said 'Hark de Harold Angles sign.' Since it is still 6 days before Chrisstmas, you shuold know dat de Harold Angles didnt say nuffink at dis perriod, but was respecttfully sillent. I advisses you to do de same, if you wisshes to be recognissed as Chritsians. It is a serriuos heressy if you corruppts de meanin of Holly Scriptture and prettends dat dere was angles signin dis early. Indeed, artticle 2733058 of de Catacoms of de Churhc says dat you shuold be burned at de steak for dat."

Luckily, we aint Cathlics, but Farver Arfur is a good man, and if he dont get arrested by Dakwins, he says dat he is gonna apply for a job wiv de Inquisitoin, so dat he can spend de rest of his life bein nassty to people.

Dis is what Cathlics does to people who sings "Hark de Harold Angles" too soon.