The Pope needs some common cents!

Today we are celebrating the solemnity of St Peter and St Paul, and so this is also the time when the Pope gets out his begging bowl and asks us to donate Peter's Pence.

Times are hard!

To be fair, popes do have needs that the rest of us don't. When was the last time that YOU invested in Jesuitman, a pornographic film about Fr James Martin LGBTSJ Rocketman, a pornographic film about Elton John? When did YOU last try some dodgy property speculation? But these are activities that one only expects from the Holy Father.

It's Cardinal Dolan in Rockette-man!

So give generously. If Francis asks for pence, give him pence! Or if your natural currency is dollars or euros, then you can be sure that the pope is lacking in common cents! So help him to acquire some.

"But I don't give tuppence for the Pope's needs!"

Unfortunately at my church this morning there wasn't a great rush to shower the Vatican with gold and silver. In fact, poor old Ian, holding the bag for the retiring collection, was looking very glum, perhaps wondering why everyone seemed to be avoiding him.

Of course, if you don't want to upset Ian, there are acceptable things to put in the bag as alternatives to filthy lucre. Old buttons, maybe? A little envelope containing a pious message to Pope Francis (keep it clean, folks!)?

Or perhaps a P45?

Is Pope Francis a Trad?

A Happy Epiphany to you all from me and Pope Francis. Most of the Catholic Church, and many Protestants, agree that January 6th is the correct date. But what is this?

A vicious attack on Pope Francis.

Mr Potato Head (as some people insist on calling him - not my invention) of the Where Pacha Is website was doing so well in his worship of Pope Francis, and this is really a turn-up for the books. Apparently, the American Devout Catholic Church preferred to cut short the twelve days of Christmas and celebrate the arrival of the three kings while they were still at the Royal Dead Sea Hotel, four days from Bethlehem.

This is modernism of which Pope Francis would approve, but of course he has not yet got round to moving all the important religious dates to Sunday (he is still wondering whether Good Friday should be conflated with Palm Sunday or Easter Sunday). So the Holy Father is clearly a Trad!

Not being sure what to do, I sent Cardinal Dolan only four ladies dancing, not nine.

Pope Francis's most recent doctrinal proclamation was an attack on crazy cat women, pointing out that by and large children are better than kittens, at least if they don't grow up liking the Traditional Mass. For one thing, they don't often bring dead mice and birds into the home.

Unfortunately, this may not be in total accord with the teachings of Mr PH.

Advice on child care?

Wise words indeed, but I am not sure what it means in the context of spoiled children. Mr PH is right of course in that the Catholic Church is now 50 years old - we have the Old Testament of 1965 to 2013, and the New Testament of 2013 to 2020 and beyond - but this is the first time I have seen the Novus Ordo compared to a plate of boiled cabbage.

"Arthur Roche was so shocked that his false teeth fell out. Come and get them, Arthur!"

#AskCardinalDolan

The great Cardinal Dolan has been inviting questions on Twitter with the hashtag #AskCardinalDolan. We are pleased to present some edited highlights.

#AskCardinalDolan When are you going to stop Fr James Martin from preaching heresy, leading people into the ways of evil, and generally boring everyone to death with his homosexual obsessions?

Er... nothing to do with me... Jesuits... ask Sosa... ask the Pope... everyone is welcome... build bridges... strong ones for me please... next question please!

#AskCardinalDolan What was there to laugh about?

Next!

#AskCardinalDolan What is your favourite meal?

Well, advent is a time for restraint, some would say fasting, so this morning my breakfast consisted of a simple lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce, garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and a fried egg on top, and spam. With that inside me, I won't need to eat again until 11 o'clock. Moreover, Humble Pope Francis is encouraging us to share our meals with the homeless, so for lunch we'll be giving the scruffy lot a plate of Massimo Faggioli (beans) and a Coccopalmerio tart.

Lost in amazement.

#AskCardinalDolan Why don't you release the body of Fulton Sheen, so that canonization can proceed?

Well, it is a great money-spinner for St Patrick's cathedral to have our own celebrity in the crypt, you know. Also, we're not sure that Sheen is really the sort of saint that we want in the Nu-Francis Church. People like Sheen and Mother Angelica are the sort of dogmatic "We know the answers because Christ told us" people that simply don't fit in nowadays.

We prefer a charismatic gasbag like Bishop Robert Barron, who at least - if he can't remember the answer to a question - makes one up that he thinks people would like to hear. Apparently, everyone is saved, you know.

#AskCardinalDolan The Rockettes look very tasty. How do I get to dance with them?

Well, first go to seminary, and after a while they'll make you a cardinal, and you can then do whatever you like (except criticise the Pope of course!) Didn't John the Baptist dance with Salome? You can do likewise - but don't lose your head!

Dance, then, wherever you may be!

I must say this question-and-answer session is going very well. Maybe we have time for one final question for your "good shepherd" (me!)

#AskCardinalDolan Why are you always laughing like an idiot?

I find joy in everything - funerals, Church scandals, Lent, even Pope Francis's writhing on the hook on which Viganò caught him. But I always try to keep a solemn demeanour, as befits a prince of the Church.

That's all, folks!

Met Gala's "Heavenly Bodies" offends the faithful

An "art" exhibition in New York, backed by His Eminence Cardinal Timothy Dolan, and described as the epitome of non-religious Catholicism, has caused almost universal disgust in the Catholic world. Models wearing costumes that show no taste or sensitivity have been on display.

On a blog such as this, intended for family reading, we do not normally show rude pictures, but on this occasion we shall make an exception. The real shocker was to see fancy dress such as the following, which can only be described as "blasphemous".

Rihanna and friends dress up as bishops.

Contrast this with the quiet dignity shown by a senior Anglican bishop who put in an appearance.

Dame Sarah Mullally, Anglican Bishop of London.

However, the promoter of "Heavenly Bodies" had many other horrors up his sleeve.

Barbara Windsor from "Carry on Nurse", transformed into a mock-priest.

Still, it was not just the female models who caused offence. Jim Martin, a male model, writer of trashy books, and notorious bridge-builder, took part dressed as a Jesuit priest, and he even managed to fool some people into thinking he was the real thing.

An obscene parody of a Catholic priest.

"How could the Vatican allow displays such as this?" you may ask - surely, one of the worst distortions of Catholicism since the bishops of England and Wales decided to speak out on the Alfie Evans case? Why, even Piers Morgan, not normally thought of as a strait-laced Catholic, was horrified. As with many things that emanate from the Vatican, the explanation is beyond us.

Three extras from the new "Pope Francis" film turn up dressed as cardinals.

The actors in the above photo managed to gatecrash the event by persuading the organizers that they were real cardinals, but the mistake became obvious once they opened their mouths.

Fortunately, Cardinal Dolan was on hand, and he always knows how to maintain the dignity of a Prince of the Church.

Liturgical dancing.

Spiritual nourishment from Cardinal Dolan

This blog has occasionally been criticised for posting doctored photos of great spiritual giants of our time in unlikely situations (Vincent Nichols fighting the Weeping Angels, Fr John Zuhlsdorf in a mitre, Richard Dawkins made up as a clown, Fr Thomas Rosica praying), so it is with great pleasure that we present some completely genuine photos of one of our favourite cardinals, Timothy Dolan of New York. We do this since we feel that it is important for "bishop-bashers" to appreciate the onerous responsibilities that fall on our religious leaders.

A shepherd, smelling of the sheep (and camels).

Pope Francis wants his cardinals to be shepherds smelling of the sheep: he himself led the way by being photographed with a rather unhappy-looking lamb wrapped round his neck. Some leading churchmen have taken this further, and nowadays the presence of sheep and camels in religious services is becoming the norm.

Explaining Laudato Si' to a group of nuns.

In the Church of today, the important thing is dialogue, getting out to meet people where they are, and discussing new ideas for Catholic dogma with them. The nuns in the picture above are so worried about climate change that they have opted for much cooler habits. However, Cardinal Dolan shows himself to be a traditionalist in his choice of vestments.

Taking lessons in liturgical dancing.

In modern Masses, we have moved on from old-fashioned ideas such as Bible readings and hymns. The Spirit of Vatican II prefers us to worship Her by means of liturgical dance. But what is a cardinal to do if he is unable to do more than a liturgical waddle? Well, the answer is to lose weight, and take dancing lessons! Bravo to Cardinal Dolan for leading the way!