Muslim synod announced

Following the striking success of the Catholic Synod on Synodal Synodality, our Islamic brothers have announced a Muslim Synod on Synodalised Synodding, which is to be seen as a follow-up from the "Mecca II" Council of the 1960s.

The strangely-familiar synod logo.

We spoke to Mike Al-Potato of the "Where Ali is" blog. "Of course, the Ayatollah Farhan-Zees is always right, and his Synod should bring the Islamic churches kicking and screaming into the 11th century," he said. "By the way, everyone who disagrees with me deserves to be stoned."

Sister Nat-Ali Burqua, one of the proposed "synodal mothers", is delighted with this opportunity to change Islamic teaching. "Should men really receive 72 virgins in Paradise?" she asked. "Cannot they make do with, say, 24? Also, what's in it for us women?"

Sister Nat-Ali.

One of the synodal experts is Ustan I-Verei, Professor of Canon Law at the Islamic University of Bradford, and regular contributor to the Taliban magazine. However, as usual, he had nothing interesting to say, so we'll move quickly on.

The Mecca II prayer-mat used by Ustan I-Verei.

Another topic up for discussion at the synod is the Islamic prohibition on alcohol and pork. Given that the synodal dinners are to be supplied by the "Saracen's Head" public house ("Beer and sausages our speciality") we may expect some changes in this respect.

Possibly a bit tactless.

Answering your Catholic questions

In these turbulent times, leadership of the Catholic Church is not all it should be, and so many people come to this blog for spiritual guidance. Let's go!

Q. Who is Luce? What is Luce? Why is Luce?

A. The year 2025 sees a Jubilee of the Catholic Church. Now, we had a very exciting Jubilee of Mercy in 2015-16, with the wonderful logo of a 2-headed 3-eyed cyclops on skis designed by Top Catholic Artist Marko Rupnik. This one will be different, and Luce, designed in the well-known Anime Christi style has been chosen to represent the true essence of the faith.

Of course this is not the first time a woman has had top billing in the Catholic Church. For many years the Blessed Virgin Mary was an object of veneration and adoration, but she has now fallen out of favour with the Vatican, perhaps for being too "traditional".

St Joan of Arc - also rejected for being too rigid.

Anyway, if you are a faithful Catholic, you probably already own a crucifix, some rosary beads, quite possibly a scapular. BUT IF YOU DON'T HAVE A LUCE YOU AIN'T SAVED! Got that?

Q. What is a synod on synodality?

A. Well, nobody really knows. Some say it is like a meeting on meetingality, or a workshop on workshopality. Perhaps it is more like a congress on congressality, or - like Vatican II - a council on councilality.

Of course, instead of putting a lot of moaning minnies in a room for several weeks, the whole business could have been settled more cheaply another way (see below):

Pope Francis summons his experts for a Zoom on Zoomality.

A history of popesplaining

Although the word "popesplain" is of very recent origin (it has not yet reached the Oxford English Dictionary), popesplaining as an activity has been around for 2000 years, as it has always been necessary to explain the bizarre actions of the current pope.

It probably started in about A.D. 33, when St Peter thrice denied Christ (an incident involving a cock crowing, should you need reminding). That same night the popular blog What's Peter Up To Now?, through its editor Michaēl Levis, was explaining that denying Christ was a perfectly reasonable thing to do, and anyone who criticised this was a heretic. Also, he'd be writing to their bishop. Peter's support of the disgraced artist Judas Rupnikus was also justified on the WPUTN blog.

Six hundred years later Pope Honorius I got into trouble, being accused of monotheletism (also of keeping a collection of Pachamama statues and kneeling before them). His biographer Austen Iverius rushed to his defence, and, pausing only to call all his critics "neurotics", dashed off a seventeenth biography of the pope, entitled "Honorius, the Great Reformer", which explained how Catholic teaching had evolved.

Later, Pope John XII was accused of gross depravity and worldiness, also of attempting to bless same-sex relationships. However, his good friend Giacomo Martino SJ, author of "Come out of the closet" (which he claimed were the exact words of Jesus), was there to add his support, although he was rather disappointed that the pope did not agree with his support for "trans" people.

Pope Alexander VI, one of the Bergorgia family, was also backed by many popesplainers, such as Christoferus Agnus and Maximus Leguminus, whose coverage of his iniquities was selective, to put it mildly.

So, let us be thankful that the current pope is not only infallible but also impeccable, and we no longer have any need of popesplainers!

Mike, will this do? If you think it's OK, you can post it on your blog. Eccles.

Eight bad Catholic writers

It's quarter-final stage in the World Cup of Bad Catholic Writers. In the previous such competition, in 2019, the dreadful eight were Faggioli, Ivereigh, Lamb, Martin, Rosica, Shea, Spadaro and Winters.

Where are they now? Well, Lamb, Rosica and Spadaro have fallen by the wayside (you must try harder, lads!), but the chamber of horrors has three promising replacements: Fernández, Lewis and Rohr.

So farewell then, Lamb Chop!

And goodbye, Spidero!

Shea - who tells me he is a humble man - is really enjoying this world cup, and voted for himself. But will he be able to go further? The draw is a real killer:

Víctor Manuel Fernández v Mark Shea.

Richard Rohr v Massimo Faggioli.

James Martin v Michael Sean Winters.

Mike Lewis v Austen Ivereigh.

The last match is particularly juicy as I have in stock some new photos of the contestants.

Mike, from the "Where Potato Is" blog.

Austen's a lumberjack and he's OK.

The quarter-finals begin on Monday 12th February.

---

RESULTS AS THEY COME IN.

Víctor Manuel Fernández 82.8 v Mark Shea 17.2.

Tucho makes it into the semi-finals. Not surprisingly, cheesy @chezami can't compete with the Pope's favourite pornographer.

Richard Rohr 20.0 v Massimo Faggioli 80.0.

The Babble-on Bean makes his second semi-final. I don't think Rohr has been trying recently.

James Martin 85.1 v Michael Sean Winters 14.9.

Well, it had to be Jimbo, the man they naturally thought of as someone to invite to St Patrick's for the sacrilegious funeral of a "trans woman". MSW can feel no shame at losing to such a character.

Mike Lewis 32.2 v Austen Ivereigh 67.8.

Two very similar characters - rude and stupid. In the end, experience won over youthful ambition. Mike would get the "most promising newcomer" award, except that Tucho has gone further...

---

SEMI-FINALS

Víctor Manuel Fernández 64.1 v James Martin 35.9.

Jimbo has been spending much time recently blessing sins, but this was not enough to get him past the porn king.

Massimo Faggioli 19.9 v Austen Ivereigh 80.1.

An easy win for the little man. Beans has been very quiet recently, while Austen is frightening us with the prospect of yet another book about Pope Francis.

---

THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF

James Martin 73.4 v Massimo Faggioli 26.6

As expected, Massimo Faggioli, who occasionally has his lucid moments, could not compete with the Jesuit from Hell. Bronze medal for Jim.

---

FINAL

Víctor Manuel Fernández 72 v Austen Ivereigh 28

In the end, in this battle between Pope Francis's best friends, it was an easy win for Tucho, and Austen has to settle for the prestigious silver medal.

Tucho embarks on a book-signing

Cardinal "Tucho" Fernàndez, Head of the Vatican Dicastery for Naughty Things, is now embarking on a tour of Rome's bookshops, signing copies of the reprinted version of his hard-porn best-seller "Mystical Passion", which, he explains, he wrote as a "clarification" of his previous soft-porn book, "Kiss me, Cheeky!"

For those wishing to obtain signed copies of the learned treatise, described by Mike Lewis of Where Pacha Is as "A little intellectual for me, but otherwise fine", Tucho will be at "Dirty Books 'R' us" at 9 a.m., the "Porno Emporium" at 10, and the Vatican Library at 11.

One satisfied customer (until the Pope changes his mind).

Meanwhile, we have had no comments from Pope Teflon, so it seems that he is still entirely happy to see Tucho directing the doctrine of the Catholic Church. There are others equally qualified to take over Tucho's job, such as Pope Teflon's good friends Marko Rupnik and Gustavo Zanchetta, but it seems that they may miss out this time.

"The buck never reached me, so how can it stop here?"

Addendum: no comments yet from Lamb, Ivereigh, etc. as far as I know. But they probably need to read the book thoroughly - say half-a-dozen times - before commenting.

Burkegate - What Pope Francis really said

A special article by Austen "Spindoctor" Ivereigh for the Where Pachamama is blog.

The Pope is an astonishly patient man, and will sink his enemies even if it takes him ten years to do it. Seeing all the bad publicity he was getting for his merciful and patient attacks on Cardinal Burke, he summoned me to Rome as a matter of urgency so that I could explain to the world what he was up to. Did I mention that I am an expert on papal matters?

I flew to Rome from Bristol airport, stopping on the way at the Multifaith Bus Shelter for a spot of Pachamama devotion, also in order to pin up a mural by my favourite artist Marko Rupnik. The place was deserted apart from an Incan sacrifice taking place at the same time.

A sacred place!

Patient merciful Pope Francis the Humble was not in good health - a sprained wrist through slapping too many Chinese girls - but he explained to me that he loved Cardinal Burke - after all, we are commanded to love our enemies, and Burke was one of his worst enemies. With their Dubia, Burke and his fellow-conspirators had asked Pope Francis to explain some aspects of Amoris Laetitia several years ago, knowing perfectly well that clear and unambiguous teaching is against the rules of the Jesuit order.

Burke had also dared to criticise the Synod on Synodal Synodality of Synodhood, arguably the most important Catholic event since Pentecost, saying that it was a complete waste of time. Having myself attended as an expert, I know that getting barmy old ladies sitting round tables and moaning is the true future of the Church!

We must all be Synod!

At this point in our discussion, Francis found his patience tried beyond all limits, and he humbly kicked Rupnik, the Vatican cat, through the window. "Don't worry," he said. "Pick up the body and give it to Mike Lewis. He'll eat anything."

Instead of living in a broom cupboard, as the humble Holy Father does, Cardinal Burke has a much larger apartment, and this is now required by other cardinals who wish to hold "get-togethers" there. I know that Cardinal Coccopalmerio has already put in a bid.

Who is this shadowy figure?

Of course Burke is still a member of two dicasteries, and of the Apostolic Signatura, but as Pope Francis explained, he should regard these positions as honours, and not expect to be paid.

So what message am I to take away from my meeting with the Humble Father? First, although in our conversation he described Burke as his enemy, he has now sent me a note saying "I never used the word 'enemy' nor the pronoun 'my'." Obviously we all misheard - it's easily done. Also he certainly never said "We hates him we hates him, nasty Burkies, we hates him, my precious, and we is going to throw him out on the streets!"

I hope I have made it clear, and let me repeat this: Pope Francis is patient, kind and merciful, and Cardinal Burke is a meanie. Strickland has fallen! Burke has fallen! Who will be next? Aha!

Great stuff, Austen. And the cat pie was delicious! Mike.

Mike Lewis!

Mongolians shocked as Genghis Khan praises Pope Francis

A surprise message received from the afterlife, which has been attributed to the late Genghis Khan, has shocked faithful Mongolians because it praises Pope Francis.

"Now he's really put his foot in it!"

"Some 'rigid' people have criticised the Holy Warlord for his policy of mass-murder and torture, but we never thought he would stoop so low as to praise a man who teaches heresy, gerrymanders synods, and persecutes people who want to follow traditional forms of worship," says sumo-wrestler Mai Cluis, who runs the popular Where Genghis Is website.

His little friend Osten Iveree, author of the warlord biographies "Genghis Khan, the great Reformer", "Wounded Wolfman" and "Let us massacre - the path to a better future", agrees. "Genghis should stick to what he knows best, and not try to endorse controversial figures simply to curry favour with people."

Finally, even Chams Mahteen, another compulsive writer, responsible for "Destroying a bridge with people on it", "Learning to Prey" and "Come forth and slaughter the Khwarezmid Empire", thinks Genghis Khan has gone too far. "He should keep out of Catholic politics and concentrate on LGBT issues," he says.

Next week: "I think he's a terrible pope, too," admits Ivan.

New Auckland-rite vestments available

Following the lead of Bishop Stephen Lowe of Auckland, New Zealand, Gammarelli's outfitters has now agreed to stock the new "Snickers" vestments that are driving the Catholic world wild.

Bishop Lowe models the new vestments.

Apparently, the "Snickers" liturgy is as orthodox as Pachamama, it being a Polynesian custom for clergy to wear chocolate bars round their necks when offering the Mass (or "Mars" as they pronounce it). Depending on the liturgical season, the Snickers may also be replaced by Bounty bars, Kit-Kats, Milky Way, Toblerone, etc.

Poor Hoho, the greatest theologian of our age, has given his approval, pointing out that the new liturgy helps to implement Pope Francis's Traditional Custardpie.

Moreover, Cardinal Roche has also declared himself very enthusiastic about the new vestments, and has personally ordered a dozen Snickers necklaces ("and don't bother about the chasuble"). Mike Lewis of Where Pacha Is has also given his imprimatur, although regular readers of this blog will know that he normally prefers sausages.

On the other hand, this has been a good week for the Trads, with the announcement that this year's hard-right fascist Chartres pilgrimage has drawn a record attendance, and is now closed to further pilgrims. It is not known whether any of the devout will be wearing Snickers bars around their necks although the event is something of a marathon.

Pope Francis is "delighted" to hear the news of Chartres.

Rochie-the-Pooh

With apologies to A.A. Milne.

Rochie-the-Pooh, a bear of very little brain, lived in the Hundred Acre Wood under the name of Arthur.

Living under the name of Arthur.

One day he was feeling very hungry, and he said to himself "I think I'll go and see my little friend Austen Pigleteigh. Maybe he will have some cake for me." As he walked along the path, Pooh hummed to himself.

Now, please make no mistake, 
A cardinal likes cake!
You think that I should diet?
Only an indietrist would try it!

"But what if little Piglet doesn't have any cake?" asked Pooh. "Should I go and see my friend the wise owl MASSIWOL instead? No, he has taken up theology now, and he won't listen to me if I hint that it's time for a little something. Or rather, a big something would be better..."

Massiwol reveals the true meaning of Vatican II to a fascinated Rochie-the-Pooh.

"Perhaps I should have gone to see Christo Ber Goglin," said Pooh. " "He's not very busy today, just doing an audience. Of course I could telephone him first and ask him if he has any cake - he won't mind being interrupted. No, it had better be Piglet."

In the most depressing part of the forest, the WherePachaIs bog, lived Mike Eeyore, the donkey. Pooh's journey took him past the wreck that Eeyore called home. "Hullo, Eeyore!" he said. "What a lovely morning for eating cake!"

"Is it a lovely morning?" replied Eeyore gloomily. "Nobody told me. Even Christo Ber Goglin, who is knows everything, hasn't told me what I should think about the weather today. It's so depressing."

Putting pressure on the Pope

When you run a very popular blog that is read by nearly four people, as I do and as Mike Lewis of Where Pacha Is does, you have to be careful what you write as you never know who will see it.

See the problem?

Every morning Pope Francis dips into Where Pacha Is to see what brilliant thing he should be doing that day. Maybe an aeroplane trip in order to announce some shiny new doctrine on same-sex climate change? Perhaps he expects another visit from Austen Ivereigh, who will be doing his Judy Garland impersonation, singing "We're off to see the Synod, the Wonderful Synod of Sin"? Or IS THERE A BISHOP HE SHOULD SACK?

Well, of course there are quite a few bishops who should be sacked, or, more precisely, put in a sack and dropped at the bottom of the ocean, but this a blog of love and kindness and we won't mention them by name. Until next time.

The pressure begins to tell on Pope Francis.

Usually, the Pope has no problems reading Where Pacha Is. Its main message is "Pope Francis is right on everything, even when he's wrong, and if he says something that contradicts previous popes, saints, etc. then they must have been wrong. Or, more precisely, since the Magisterium is constantly changing, they were right at the time, but definitely wrong now. He's also amazingly handsome and charming." But sometimes, WPI tries to predict how the Magisterium will develop, and Pope Francis cannot keep up.

Fortunately, a man of great influence and sensitivity like the Where Pacha Is supremo knows where to draw the line. Well done!

Pope Francis also takes advice on how to cook sausages.

Is Pope Francis a Trad?

A Happy Epiphany to you all from me and Pope Francis. Most of the Catholic Church, and many Protestants, agree that January 6th is the correct date. But what is this?

A vicious attack on Pope Francis.

Mr Potato Head (as some people insist on calling him - not my invention) of the Where Pacha Is website was doing so well in his worship of Pope Francis, and this is really a turn-up for the books. Apparently, the American Devout Catholic Church preferred to cut short the twelve days of Christmas and celebrate the arrival of the three kings while they were still at the Royal Dead Sea Hotel, four days from Bethlehem.

This is modernism of which Pope Francis would approve, but of course he has not yet got round to moving all the important religious dates to Sunday (he is still wondering whether Good Friday should be conflated with Palm Sunday or Easter Sunday). So the Holy Father is clearly a Trad!

Not being sure what to do, I sent Cardinal Dolan only four ladies dancing, not nine.

Pope Francis's most recent doctrinal proclamation was an attack on crazy cat women, pointing out that by and large children are better than kittens, at least if they don't grow up liking the Traditional Mass. For one thing, they don't often bring dead mice and birds into the home.

Unfortunately, this may not be in total accord with the teachings of Mr PH.

Advice on child care?

Wise words indeed, but I am not sure what it means in the context of spoiled children. Mr PH is right of course in that the Catholic Church is now 50 years old - we have the Old Testament of 1965 to 2013, and the New Testament of 2013 to 2020 and beyond - but this is the first time I have seen the Novus Ordo compared to a plate of boiled cabbage.

"Arthur Roche was so shocked that his false teeth fell out. Come and get them, Arthur!"

Traditionalist Gaslighting

A special guest posting from Mike Lewis and Stephen Ferry, which originally appeared on the ultramontanist website Where Pacha is.

In his wonderful motu proprio Trads Cussed, Francis, the greatest pope who ever lived, points out that all those who celebrate the traditional mass are extremists, fascists, and altogether not good Catholics like he is, along with his friends, Blase Cupich, James Martin SJ and Joe Biden. HE IS RIGHT.

Mike Lewis (nobody has heard of Stephen Ferry: he may be a sockpuppet).

Lots of extremists have contested the Very Holy Father's claims. We mention Raymond Burke, who, to the great disappointment of Pope Francis, seems to be recovering from the deadly virus Vatic-2. Burke wrote a piece in which he said "Well, actually, TLM worshippers are not schismatics at all." Regular readers of Where Pacha is (both of them) will remember that Burke was one of the four Dubia cardinals who nearly caused the greatest schism in the Church's history by asking Pope Francis to clarify something he said!

As papal biographer Austen Ivereigh Tower, author of "Pope Francis - the great redeemer", "Go away Austen, I'm trying to sleep" and the new best-seller based on Archpope Francis's teachings, "Forget the past - they're all dead people", puts it, "For many bishops the call to wake up and think about Catholicism was the last straw!"

"If anyone calle me schismatic again, I'll go and found my own Church!"

There are lots of very evil people out there. Dr Joseph Shaw, chairman of the Latin Mass Society of England and Wales, and contributor to such scurrilous publications as Extremist weekly and Schismatic News, may be an intellectual giant, but is obviously not in the same league as our friend Austen Ivermectin - how many hagiographies of St Pope Francis has Shaw written? This devotee of the Extremist Form Mass has publicly denied the divinity of Pachamama (even though she's a LATIN American goddess). He also endorsed those dreadful Dubia cardinals who insisted on trying to square Supreme Pope Francis's teachings with those of dead people such as Pope Benedict XVI (oh, isn't he?), St Paul and St Peter. We discard him utterly.

Pachapapa Francis has pinpointed the centre of all evil - the Extremist World Television Network EWTN. It was founded by extremist Mother Angelica; her friend Raymond Arroyo plays an influential role with his extremist programme The World Over Live, which devotes all its time to reporting on the tantrums of Pope Francis the Humble. Last week they even invited the blood-crazed ferret, Damian Thompson of the fascist Spectator magazine to say rude things about Francis, the Fourth Person of the Trinity.

Enough said!

I think I've made my point. The opponents of Trads Cussed are possessed, diabolical, schismatic, extremist (have I used that word already?) and possessed by diabolically schismatic extremism! No wonder Pope Francis hates their guts finds it difficult to accommodate them. Does Vatican II mean nothing to them? Did she die in vain?

Pope Francis has said that EWTN is the work of the Devil. Pope Francis is always right. We can also reveal that the Devil is an extremist. Need we say more? Yes, this is just the first in a 94-part series...

Monty Python's Life of Jorge

The surviving members of the Monty Python team have gathered together with some friends to produce a new comedy film, Monty Python's Life of Jorge, about a perfectly innocent Argentinian man who is frequently mistaken for the anti-Christ.

Chapman/Jones lookalikes play Jorge (seen here in papal clothes) and his mother.

Script-writer John Zmirak has adapted some of the Life of Brian catchphrases to the hilarious story of a man with some followers who think he is the Messiah (see for example the "Where Pachamama is" website), but also many others who think he is the exactly the opposite (hi, Mundabor!)

Top quality trolling from a Pachamama fan.

Some of our favourite Life of Jorge catchphrases are:

He's not the anti-Messiah, he's just a very naughty pope.

What have the Roman popes done for us, apart from 
preserving traditional worship and teaching, and giving 
leadership to the worldwide Church? 

It's every Jesuit's right to have babies if he wants them.
But ... you can't HAVE babies, Jim!
Don't you oppress me!

And of course...

Always look on the gloomy side of life.