The Pope Francis book of vegetables

Everyone should explore the Pope Francis Lexicon, in which a bunch of oddballs, alt-Catholics, freaks, heretics, Protestants, loonies and "insightful contributors" each write on one-word themes favoured by the Pope. Readers may expect articles on Alzheimer's, Coprophagy, and neo-Pelagianism (all terms favoured by the Holy Father), but instead they will find Curia, Dignity, and Gossip, to pick three at random.

I'm still cracking up over "Insightful contributors".

However there is now a new book out, which promises to be both bodily and spiritually nourishing. It's the Pope Francis book of vegetables, in which insightful contributors write about the vegetables that have influenced the Pope's thought.

We only have space for three excerpts.

ASPARAGUS, by Tina Beattie.

Asparagus to most of us is a phallic symbol, which typifies the misogynistic hegemony of the Vatican. The Mass is an act of homosexual intercourse, and who can eat asparagus without being reminded of this? Although Pope Francis has done a lot to modernize the Catholic Church, his gynophobia will be seen as a blot on his rule. "Tina, can you do the flower arranging next Sunday?" they say to me, when what they should be saying is "Tina, can you celebrate Mass for us, drop the bit about God, and explain to us why the whole point of Catholicism is women's rights?" Asparagus!! I hate it!!

Human nourishing, human flourishing, ... whatever.

BEANS, by Massimo Faggioli.

Although my main diet is "gelato", or ice-cream, eminent professors of theology cannot live by ice-cream alone, and so my incredibly large brain is often fuelled by a plate of beans. Runner beans, broad beans, baked beans, kidney beans... all these help me understand the way that the Catholic Church has been moving, ever since it was founded in 1965. You will observe that the right-wing fundamentalist extremists who disagree with me hardly ever eat platefuls of beans, and it may be this that explains their spiritual blindness. Pope Francis is a man who looks to the future, and realises that the past never happened. The future is beans, not has-beans (an intellectual's little joke there!)

The 57 varieties, replacing the 10 commandments.

POTATOES, by James Martin.

The word "potato" is often used as a homophobic slur against the LGBT movement, because all words are. Still, many modern theologians tell me that Jesus was very fond of potatoes, and that the "bread" of the Last Supper is a mistranslation for "fries". But back to more important things, namely, the need for all of us to embrace homosexuals, especially in church. Pope Francis has appointed me as his special adviser on potatoes, gay issues, and building bridges - and I have been asked to keep an eye open for new interpretations we can put on the Bible - and it will not be long before we have a gay pope!

Three potatoes of the same sex in a loving relationship.

For more in-depth articles, including Cupich on Spinach, Radcliffe on Radishes, and Ivereigh on Turnips, see the book.

The 4th secret of Fatima

The story of the three Portuguese children, Lúcia Santos and her cousins Jacinta and Francisco Marto, who saw the Virgin Mary in 1917, and were entrusted with three secrets, is well known. What is less known is the story of another cousin, Ecclesão, who left the group before they became famous.

Why is Ecclesão always omitted from the Fatima records?

Ecclesão always claimed that Mary entrusted him with the fourth - and most significant - prediction, which would come to pass exactly 100 years later. According to his account, the message went as follows:

"Now, Ecclesão, pay attention, as I have an important warning to deliver to you. Stop scratching, and put that phone away - you won't get a signal for another 100 years anyway.

There will come a time when the Church has two popes living - one aged 90, who will be called Benedictus (blessed), and one aged 80 who will be called Franciscus. The older man will spend his declining years in prayer and beer-drinking, a just reward for a life of holiness. Beware the younger man, for he will reject the teaching of his forefathers, even the present Pope, Benedict XV.

The evil one tempted him, and he did read the words of Beattie and Küng.

There will be many and diverse quarrels in the Church at that time. Franciscus will prowl like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. There will come a man from the New World who will ask five questions of Franciscus, and what do you think he will reply?"

Ecclesão: No, yes, yes, yes, yes?

"Nice try, Ecclesão, but no coconut [editor's note: this is an untranslatable Portuguese idiom]. Nay, Franciscus will remain silent - at least when it comes to answering the five questions, although he will plot against the man from the New World, and he will let it be known privily that the answers are in fact 'Yes, no, no, no, no', although he will not dare say so in public.

And the Lord shall smite the ungodly one, though he be a Jesuit.

Look towards the Sovereign Order of Malta, Ecclesão, and see the damage wrought. The holy men of the order will distribute engines to prevent the conception of children, and their grandmaster will essay to stop them. But Franciscus will take over the Sovereign Order and seek to appoint a new grandmaster. Yeah, he will even attempt to ban their grandmaster from Rome, although he will soon discover that he hath no such power.

Ecclesão: This is pretty ghastly, isn't it? Can I go now?

Do not interrupt, Ecclesão. This is the story of end times. In 100 years from now the Church must make a decision. Will it persuade Franciscus to take a humble pension, and retire to Dunrantin, the home that is prepared for him? If so, then there may come a man of dark skin with the name of a girl, who will succeed Franciscus in the Chair of Peter and restore true teaching. Or will Franciscus continue to rage, until the time cometh when a man of the Eastern Philippians, who already seeketh supreme power, will be ready to bring destruction upon the Church?

Ecclesão: it's enough to drive you into the arms of the Anglicans, isn't it?

At this point the Virgin Mary laughed heartily and disappeared.

Asparagus with Worcester sauce - Ecclesão is shown a strange vision of the future.

[Editor's note: of course it's possible that naughty Ecclesão made the whole thing up.]