How to have a good Mass in Time of Plague

Whether or not he is one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Plague, in the form of the Coronavirus, is making a severe nuisance of Himself, and it is important to know how we should take precautions against him when attending Mass.

"When's Climate Change turning up?"

Celebrate ad orientem. Celebrating versus populum obviously increases the risk that the priest may catch something from the coughing congregation, and should be suspended.

Use only Latin. Try saying something liturgical in Latin, and then try saying the same thing in Vernacular. You will see that when speaking Latin your mouth does not open so widely, and thus the risk of transmitting and receiving germs is reduced. Those traditionalists knew a thing or two!

99% of doctors say NO to holding hands for the "Our Father".

Avoid bad hymns. Scientific studies have shown that singing "Gather us in," "Lord of the Dance," "Kumbayah," or "Shine, Jesus, Shine" puts a strain on the vocal muscles, as well as the brain, and makes one more susceptible to viruses. Safest of all is Gregorian chant, which can mostly be sung with the mouth closed.

No more sign of peace. I was lucky this morning, in that the choir belted into the Agnus Dei very quickly, and only two people had a chance to share their germs with me (three more were left fuming, as I switched off my friendly expression and tried looking pious instead). In general, a simple handshake can transmit 100000000000000000000000 bugs, so be warned. Grinning distantly is safest, but kicking your opponent neighbour will also work if he insists on physical contact.

"Peace be with you."

Wear earmuffs. This will protect you against bad doctrine in the homily far better than handwash and a face mask would.

Remove all pests from the church. Traditionally, illnesses have been transmitted by pests. So clear your church of all rats, spiders, Jesuits, and anything else that may carry disease.

Ban dancing. Bad news for Tagle, the Dancing Cardinal, but it's obvious that prancing around like a teenager in a disco is going to spread germs widely. So stop!

Spot the ninny. (Hint: they are all ninnies.)

Stay at home and watch it on television. Yes but, as I have explained before, this will only allow you to watch Heaven on television, rather than attend in person. So don't do it for very long.

Welcome to World Oldie Day

As a special concession to Catholics who have passed the age of 30 and thus no longer feel that they count as "yoof", Pope Francis has agreed to institute a World Oldie Day. Since Kraków, the site of World Youth Day, is obviously too exciting a place, it has been agreed to hold the event in Eastbourne, where the population's average age is already over 70.

Listening attentively to Pope Francis.

Said one oldie, Fred Methuselah, 95, "I no longer feel able to enjoy the benefits of World Youth Day, including standing in a muddy field in the pouring rain with a large crowd, participating in special liturgical abuses such as obtaining my Communion from a vending machine, or even taking part in mysterious Jesuit events called "Ignatian experiments"; the W.O.D. is far more to my taste."

Ignatian Experiments.

For many bishops, attending World Youth Day is something of a nightmare, although many of them nobly turn up in order to support the young folk. "We're being very ecumenical in Kraków this year," commented one bishop who was putting a brave face on things. "They've got that young chap, Cliff Richard, doing a gig. This is what really appeals to the youth of today."

Bishops Dancing at WYD in Rio.

"Still," he continued, "it is embarrassing for someone in their 70s to be cavorting around like a teenager. I've been told that the WOD in Eastbourne will have none of that, merely an evening of liturgical ballroom dancing at the Kieran Conry Dance Hall, for those who really want it. Or there's Catholic Bingo: Laudato Si', 23! Letter from Joseph Shaw, 44! We're all off to Heaven, 67!"

Said one deacon, "One tradition that we're keeping is that of getting a flashmob of people dressed as nuns to do wild dances. We don't expect the over-80s to take part in this (except perhaps for the ever-youthful Cardinal Cormac), but some of us in our 40s and 50s can still 'groove it', as the saying goes."

Some of these could be mistaken for real nuns!

If you can't make it to WYD, then do join us at WOD! You can book through Saga Holidays.

Special Bishops' questionnaire

We are now publishing a questionnaire, labelled "Ten questions that will help to shape the future of our church", which the Catholic faithful have asked their bishops to answer.

Wrong again, bishop. On to the next question?

1. Today is All Souls Day. How will you mark it? 
 (a) EF Missa Cantata with music from Cherubini's Requiem. 
 (b) NO Clown Mass with liturgically correct purple custard 
down the trousers.
 (c) I'll be practising my liturgical dancing.

At least it solves the problem of overweight bishops.

2. What is your attitude to popes?
 (a) Respect for his office, and loyalty to the Magisterium.
 (b) All popes from Peter to Benedict were terrible, but 
Francis brings a new dawn. The Tablet says so.
 (c) Best ignored. What I say in my diocese goes.

St Linus, as a child. Later, a typical traddy pope.

3. A hard-working highly-respected blogging priest in your diocese 
is grossly misrepresented by a third-rate local newspaper. 
How do you react?
 (a) Instantly apologise for what he said, although you 
haven't read it. 
 (b) Turn up to help at his soup kitchen as a sign that you 
support him.
 (c) Ignore the whole thing. It's his problem, not yours.

Could I have some more gruel, please, Bishop?

4. The churches in your diocese serve as:
 (a) An unrivalled opportunity for commercial redevelopment.
 (b) Centres at which the faithful can meet for worship.
 (c) Good places at which to pick up a copy of the Tablet.

Perhaps the Church needs to issue Clubcards as well.

5. Which of the following Catholic organizations do you support?
 (a) ACTA, Gay Pride, Quest.
 (b) The Calvary Chapel, the Orange Order, the Wee Frees.
 (c) None of the above.

Which bishop is behind the mask?

6. When you send your bishop's letter out, what happens to it?
 (a) The priest reads it out in a silly voice, rolling his eyes.
 (b) It is listened to with the respect due to a wise leader.
 (c) I send it out on DVD, together with a video about planned 
church closures.

Sometimes, reading out the letter is delegated to a more appropriate person.

7. What is your attitude to the sacrament of Confession?
 (a) It's OK to make up any old rubbish.
 (b) It is essential for Catholics to be absolved from their sins 
and to receive God's grace.
 (c) We don't really believe in sins these days, so I have 
cancelled it.

This confessional is no longer in use.

8. What comments do you hear when you sit in your Cathedra?
 (a) The bishop's here - now I know what a crook looks like.
 (b) I can't wait for us to be Sede Vacante again.
 (c) None at all (a trick question - you're not supposed to 
chat in church).

Bishops and crooks have always gone together.

9. What are your views on the ordination of women?
 (a) The new pope's not paying too much attention, so I've 
already slipped in half a dozen under his guard.
 (b) It is impossible.
 (c) My call is a fact, but some Pope in a hat,
     Closed discussion on that, and now he's in my way.

Anglican, I think, but never mind.

10. Which is your favourite hymn?
 (a) Shine, Jesus, shine.
 (b) Alleluia Ch-Ch.
 (c) Salve Regina.

Paul Inwood (L) explains how to sing the "Salve Regina Ch-Ch".

New secular sacraments

Now that the sacrament of marriage is to be given a totally new meaning in the secular world - no longer simply a bond entered into by a man and a woman - Prime Minister David Cameron today announced secular versions of all the religious sacraments.

The seven traditional sacraments - but Dave may invent some new ones!

No longer will Baptism, Confirmation, Communion, Penance, Anointing, Ordination - or, of course Matrimony - be limited to those who are religious, or even those who wish to participate in a ceremony with the same basic meaning.

Baptism. Well the basic idea here is that the baby gets wet and has some words said over it. But from now on Parent 1 and Parent 2 will be able to baptise the little dear. To do this, they simply give it a bath, say some appropriate words ("Goo goo, who's a little darling, then?" will do), pay a fee, and little Nick can have a baptism certificate!

Recommended for a secular baptism.

Confirmation. Hey, who wants to be "confirmed" as a member of a church? Sealed with the gifts of the Holy Spirit and strengthened in Christian life? No, from now on secular confirmation will be something like getting a driving licence (and you can be excommunicated if you drive through a red light - hey, we're being moral here!) As an added advantage, you can apply for confirmation online, just turning up for the sacramental part (the wielding of the rubber stamp) at your local council offices.

Bishops attending a keep fit class - but no bishops will be required.

Communion. Bread and wine? Body and Blood? Just turn up at your local for a ploughperson's lunch and a chardonnay. Don't forget to call the barperson "Father" (or "Mother!") Oh - and try not to leave any of your kids behind when you stagger home...

Penance. There's not much call for this among secularists, for - let's face it - we don't usually talk about "sin". Still, we do talk about crime, and, following an idea in the board game "Monopoly", the government will now start selling "Get out of jail free" cards. Prices to be negotiated, but get your Royal Pardon before you commit your crimes!

Too late for Mr Huhne, alas!

Anointing. All citizens have the right to be smothered in oil, if they are feeling a little off colour. It tones up the skin, and makes you feel GOOD! We are taking scientific advice as to whether it should be the finest olive oil or simply a dose of Castrol GTX: this may depend on whether you are anointed privately, or on the NHS.

The Catholic Church has no monopoly on the trademark "Virgin".

Ordination. This may be controversial, but we are creating a new order of "secular" priests and deacons, who will be able to perform all the religious rituals associated with Christian churches, but on a "no frills" basis, and with no religious belief required. (Many churches have such priests already, of course!) Of course they will be able to wear cassocks, chasubles, fanons, mantillas, etc. just like real priests do.

Secular priests may look something like this.

Marriage. Ah, we had the brilliant idea of making it possible for two people of the same sex to marry... oh, you've heard of that one.

And finally... Thanks to the miracles of technology, you don't need to worry about going to Heaven or Hell when you die! We can keep your brain alive for ever by pumping electricity into it (and the occasional replacement of spare parts). So religion is finally redundant!

Life after death! Or instead of it!