The Book of Covidicus 16: Freedom Postponed

Continued from Chapter 15.

1. Now Bosis had decreed that on the longest day of the year, namely the twenty-first day of June, the children of Bri-tain would regain their freedom once more.

2. For, having once spoken of "three weeks to flatten the curve", "just another two months to save the Service of Health", "six months to turn the tide", "another five years to follow my roadmap", and "my adviser, Neil, son of Fergus, saith that in three hundred years we may have the plague under control," he had finally decided to let his people go.

3. But before this could happen, Bo-sis himself wed a comely maiden named Carrie. For he had suddenly noticed that this lady had dwelt in his tents for two years, and that he had even begotten a son from her, named Wil-fred, which signifieth "He who wants peace".

4. For it is said that Carrie gave Bo-sis no peace; and still less did Wil-fred.

5. Thus, being a devoutly religious man, Bo-sis made his way to the mighty temple of West Minster, and made an honest woman of Carrie, or at least as honest as he himself was.

"Are you number 3 or number 4? I forget."

6. But as the summer approached, Bo-sis was sore afraid, for the Indian variant of the plague had now mutated its name and was now called the Delta variant, in honour of the Ganges Delta.

7. And this Delta variant was not a kind and friendly plague, like unto the Alpha, Beta, and Gamma variants, but a cruel and hostile variant.

8. Thus Bo-sis went to the box in which he kept his plans, and started to develop new plans, such as "just one more month to flatten the delta".

9. Also, it was still necessary that all the world should be vaxed at least twice, then once more in the autumn, then once more at Christmas.

10. Further, all men should be tested three times per day to see whether they had caught the plague. For the new symptoms were very hard to detect, being exactly the same as a cold, or a hay fever, or in some cases perfect health.

Little did Bo-sis know that the plague was transmitted via the elbows.

11. Then, as all the children of Bri-tain quaked in fear at the onset of this invisible plague, Bo-sis invited some of the greatest leaders of the world to a mighty party known as G Seven: for they were nine.

12. In fact these G Seven men, and their families, had been chosen because they were totally immune to the plague. Thus, they could mix in crowds, and avoid imprisonment in the dungeons known as Qumran-tine, and still the plague touched them not.

13. However, the common people were still to be locked down for another month, lest they go to the theatre, or sing in church, after which the Delta plague would surely inflict them with wheezles and sneezles.

The Queen cutteth a cake in a socially-distanced manner.

Continued in Chapter 17.

The Book of Covidicus, Chapter 3

Continued from Chapter 2.

1. So the children of Bri-tain continued to be locked down, and unable to worship the Lord.

2. Although there were some priests who disguised themselves as merchants, such as Monsignor Tesco, the Bishop of Asda, Father Sainsbury, and Cardinal Waitrose.

3. These holy men sold foodstuffs to the people, and, when nobody was looking, they provided spiritual nourishment behind the shelves of beans.

4. But many people continued to worship by watching the stream that is called live.

5. Although some decided to wait for the set that is boxed, or the disc that is called video, that they might also be able to see the bloopers and outtakes as well.

6. And many priests who used the stream that is live deliberately misspoke, or tripped over, or dropped the sacred artifacts, that their bonus disc might be a worthy offering.

Guido Marini catcheth the falling cross.

7. And the people of Bri-tain were told, "Stay ye away from the doctors, for we must protect the Service of Health."

8. Thus those who suffered from sore boils, and paralysis, and leprosy were cast forth from the hospitals, that there might be room for those suffering from the plague.

9. But those who had other sicknesses claimed that they also had the plague, that they might be healed too.

The doctor healeth a man suffering from the plague.

10. Next, it came to pass that Bosis's handmaiden, Carrie, was with child.

11. For the Lord had spoken unto Bosis, saying "I will multiply thy seed like the stars of Heaven," and the prophets had foretold that he should one day have twelve children, who would found the twelve tribes of Bri-tain.

12. So Bosis called his son "Wilfred Lawrie Nicholas", for he greatly revered a saintly Northumbrian bishop of that name.

13. Now there was a mighty counsellor, called Neil, son of Fergus, who was a great lover of models.

14. And his models told him that everyone would die of the plague unless they stayed locked in their houses, and probably even then.

15. For in the past his models had prophesied unto the world many times, saying that all men should die of fowl pest, or it might be ingrowing toenails, or then again it could be the knee of the housemaid.

The models of Neil prophesy DOOM.

16. So the people listened to the prophecies of Neil, and remained in their houses, hiding under the bed, or in some cases in the deepest dungeons.

17. But then it came to pass that Neil called unto his home another man's wife, and lay with her, although only at a distance of four cubits. For such was the law of the prophets.

18. And the people said, "We have had enough of this man and his models. Let us live dangerously, and open the window."

Continued in Chapter 4.

Covidicus 1 - There cometh a plague

Continued from the Book of Brexodus.

1. So Bosis and the children of Bri-tain camped in the desert just outside EU-gypt.

The children of Bri-tain begin their journey.

2. And there came a great plague from the East. It spared nobody, neither the children of Bri-tain, nor the land of EU-gypt.

3. So the LORD spake unto Bosis, saying, "Let each of you hang a toilet roll outside his tent, and this shall be a sign, whereby ye are not to be struck down by the pestilence."

4. And the children of Bri-tain fought amongst each other, that they might each have seventy times seven toilet rolls, just in case.

5. But the LORD caused toilet rolls to be dropped from Heaven, that all might be relieved.

And the people worshipped strange idols of Pachamama.

6. However, in the land of EUgypt, the plague spared nobody, and the people were told to go to their houses and hide in a closet for seven years, that they be not slain by the guards. And it was so.

7. Still, even for the children of Bri-tain the situation was grave, and all sports were forbidden, such as the cricket that chirped and the ball that was called foot.

8. Yeah, and all manner of entertainment was forbidden, even unto the alternative comics of the Beebee Sea. Which cheered the people greatly.

9. Now, in more distant lands there were dwelling those known as "celebrities"; that is, people unable to do useful work.

10. And they praised the LORD with a song called "Imagine", telling how wondrous it would be if HE did not exist. And the LORD was greatly amused at their folly.

"Imagine no hairdressers."

11. So the world went steadily insane. The children of Bri-tain sat alone in their tents, keeping in social isolation, waiting to see what would happen next.

12. And suddenly, everyone had forgotten EU-gypt, Greta that is called Thunderbird, and even the worship of the goddess Pachamama.

A poor mad woman screameth at her hairbrush.

Continued in Chapter 2.

How to be a hermit

In these days of plague, many people are being recommended to become hermits (the term is "self-isolation"). These include anyone who has come into contact with the coronavirus, visited the same country as an infected person, seen anything about it on television, or even read Camus's La Peste. So that's all of us.

You can wear a smart suit, or dress like this if you prefer.

Being a hermit is not always easy. There is the true, spiritually nourishing, story of St Honoratus, who went to the Îles de Lérins off Cannes to seek seclusion as a hermit. However, he was too good at it, and soon lots of disciples turned up to see how he did it. As he sat in his cell, he was constantly interrupted by cries of "How's the hermit life going?" "Are you doing it now?" "What happens next?" "Peace and quiet are wonderful, aren't they? I said PEACE AND QUIET ARE WONDERFUL, AREN'T THEY?" And so on.

So if celebrating Mass as we recommended doesn't seem to be working, and you do decide to self-isolate, here are some useful tips.

An axe. In case anyone comes visiting. A sign saying "UNCLEAN!" should keep most people away (it certainly works for us in Mass), but there will always be Mr Nosey from church who insists on doing the Sign of Peace with poor unsuspecting hermits. That was one of the famous sufferings of St Honoratus.

Food. Get stuff that lasts a long time. Eccles cakes are like Tolkien's dwarf bread, and will keep for months. Meat doesn't really last: you may have thought of buying a hippopotamus and cutting a piece off every day, but we really wouldn't advise it. And nor would the hippopotamus.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Toilet paper. 20 rolls per day should be sufficient. Or use the collected works of Richard Dawkins (which is better than they deserve).

Hand wash or soap. Well, if you're on your own, there's really no need to wash at all, and nobody will notice that you smell like a [offensive stereotype deleted]. Still, do scrape off a layer of dirt every month or so.

Spiritually nourishing reading. From the depths of our hearts by Pope Benedict XVI and Cardinal Sarah, is a good choice, because it winds up so many people. Wounded Shepherd, by Austen Ivereigh, one of the people wound up by our first choice, is probably a waste of time, and should join the Dawkins books (see above). The Bible's quite a cracker too - plenty of sex and violence, some jolly psalms for you to sing while washing your hands (if you're fed up with singing "Happy Birthday to you"), and a truly apocalyptic ending, where St John goes to Patmos and unmasks the criminal.

Pontius Pilate sings "Happy Birthday to you".

Happy hermitting!

How to have a good Mass in Time of Plague

Whether or not he is one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Plague, in the form of the Coronavirus, is making a severe nuisance of Himself, and it is important to know how we should take precautions against him when attending Mass.

"When's Climate Change turning up?"

Celebrate ad orientem. Celebrating versus populum obviously increases the risk that the priest may catch something from the coughing congregation, and should be suspended.

Use only Latin. Try saying something liturgical in Latin, and then try saying the same thing in Vernacular. You will see that when speaking Latin your mouth does not open so widely, and thus the risk of transmitting and receiving germs is reduced. Those traditionalists knew a thing or two!

99% of doctors say NO to holding hands for the "Our Father".

Avoid bad hymns. Scientific studies have shown that singing "Gather us in," "Lord of the Dance," "Kumbayah," or "Shine, Jesus, Shine" puts a strain on the vocal muscles, as well as the brain, and makes one more susceptible to viruses. Safest of all is Gregorian chant, which can mostly be sung with the mouth closed.

No more sign of peace. I was lucky this morning, in that the choir belted into the Agnus Dei very quickly, and only two people had a chance to share their germs with me (three more were left fuming, as I switched off my friendly expression and tried looking pious instead). In general, a simple handshake can transmit 100000000000000000000000 bugs, so be warned. Grinning distantly is safest, but kicking your opponent neighbour will also work if he insists on physical contact.

"Peace be with you."

Wear earmuffs. This will protect you against bad doctrine in the homily far better than handwash and a face mask would.

Remove all pests from the church. Traditionally, illnesses have been transmitted by pests. So clear your church of all rats, spiders, Jesuits, and anything else that may carry disease.

Ban dancing. Bad news for Tagle, the Dancing Cardinal, but it's obvious that prancing around like a teenager in a disco is going to spread germs widely. So stop!

Spot the ninny. (Hint: they are all ninnies.)

Stay at home and watch it on television. Yes but, as I have explained before, this will only allow you to watch Heaven on television, rather than attend in person. So don't do it for very long.

Brexodus 18 - the end of May

Continued from Chapter 17.

1. Thus the twenty-ninth day of the third month arrived, and the waters of the Ref Sea parted; but lo! the children of Bri-tain did not depart from the land of EU-gypt as foretold by the prophets.

2. For May-sis was granted a delay unto the last day of October, a day known to the godly as the eve of all Hallows, and to the ungodly as the day of all pumpkins.

A high priest prepareth for Brexodus.

3. Thus the children of Bri-tain were told to take part in new elections to the high council of EU-gypt, and to mount upon their donkeys to visit the stations of poll.

4. And strange wonders were seen in the land, for the party that is called Brexodus won many votes, and there was a return of the plague of Farogs throughout the land; although the people were also inflicted with Cable-flies, and other pestilences.

5. And the Conservatites were deserted by all their supporters, and were greatly distressed.

A farog rejoiceth, while Anna the Chukkabug is less amused.

6. Now on the next day, while the people were still waiting for their votes to be counted, May-sis spake out with the first words she had ever spoken that delighted the children of Bri-tain.

7. "No longer shall I serve you as your leader. Instead, I shall follow that great priest Cam-aaron into the land flowing with milk, honey, speaking engagements, dinners of the chicken of rubber, and great rewards in the form of cash."

8. "Although I am not leaving just yet, for I wish to receive King Donald the Trump and feast with him one last time. For it annoyeth the Corbynites."

Finally the people see the back of May-sis.

9. Then there came a mighty rushing wind, which bore upon it dozens of men and women who wished to succeed May-sis as leader of the Conservatites.

10. The people saw the return of Bo-sis, together with the Raabi called Dominic, the Governor of Michael, Jeremiah the hunter, and many others, in number like unto the grains of sand on the beach.

11. For so many wise people wished to beat their heads against the wall of the house that is called Commons, even though they would lose their wits thereby.

Continued in Chapter 19.

The Pope warns of Climate Change

Now that climate change is generally agreed to be the greatest threat facing the world, rather than, say, war, famine, disease, abortion, etc., Pope Francis is making this the topic of his next encyclical, of which we have seen a draft copy. Here are some of the highlights.

"We'll need a bigger ark," says Noah.

In the book of Genesis it is recorded that God punished the world for its enormous carbon footprint by sending down a great flood. Noah was the only righteous (i.e., environmentally-aware) person around at that time, and he survived the great flood by making an ark out of recycled wood; being keen on biodiversity he took two of every species with him, except possibly dinosaurs and unicorns.

Our climate model predicts a plague of at least one frog.

Over to Egypt now, and the many different forms of climate change that arose from the Pharaoh's insistence on fossil fuels. Water turned to blood, flies, frogs, hail, fire and thunder. Sounds familiar, eh? Things got worse, though. The Red Sea was parted, and this was all because the Egyptians refused to recycle their plastic bags.

Jericho - no wind-farms, and inevitable climate change effects.

As Christians we know that 100-watt bulbs are sinful, and that wind-farms are blessed. It is our mission to preach this gospel to the heathen, or face the environmental consequences, as they did in Jericho.

In April I was lucky to entertain some of the world's leading experts on climate change, as they turned up in their private jets from all corners of the world to tell me of Christ's new message "GET THEE BEHIND ME, CARBON!" Remember the fate of the Gadarene swine? The climate changed, and they had to run into the sea to cool. themselves down.

Jesus and the man possessed by demons (what we would nowadays call a "climate denier").

Finally, we read of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse, symbolising the doom we may expect at the end times. Their names were Phew-what-a-scorcha, It's-Brrr-itain, Turned-out-nice-today, and Scattered-Showers-With-Sunny-Intervals. St John was warning us of the threat of Climate Change, and no mistake!

I want you all to pedal very hard to get this plane off the ground.

I gets upgradded

Sometimes Bosco is a really luvvin bruvver. As you knows if you is a reggular reader, he is 2 years older than me (when I was a new-born baby he toddled into de hopsital to see me, and beat up a skelleton in de doctors office, finking it was a very thin iddle). But now Bosco says dat he is gonna be like Eyesor and Jaccob, and give me de birfright instead of him. Dat means from now on I is de eldest son.

Bosco is very kind to me like dat, and he explaned dat Eyesor was a harey man, and Jaccob a smooth man, and since it is de same in our fambly, maybe I shall be a great patriark wiv lotsa kids. It is true dat Bosco is a harey man, as dis new pitcher of him will reveel.

Dis birfright busniess means dat I will inherrit everyfink when our belloved Mom passes away (unless I goes before her). Also, if anyone asks, I gotta tell dem dat I is de first born and not Bosco.

Well, dis have nuffink to do wiv our present crisis, dat is de plaques dat Jessus is sendin to us. We gotta message on de ansaphon sayin "Nice blogg, Bosco, my son, but de Lake of Fire is waitin for you if you dont save more Cathlics urggently." So Bosco went into Grate-Anti Moly's room and painted her like a clown when she was asleep, dis is what we does in de Calumny Chappel for dem what is saved.

When she woke up she weren't pleased at bein saved, and she started frowin all our lihgtbulbs at de passers-by in de street wiv horenndous shrieks of "Traddy Cathlic sockpoppet!"

De next plaque we got was a plaque of darkness. Dis werent a grate surprise, de smog over Lake Hellsinus is somefink terrible sometimes, I fink its caused by de Cathlic churhc burnin people who owns Bibbles. Of course, we couldnt turn on de lights in de house as all de bulbs had bin frown at Cathlics. Still, Bosco's girlfiend Camila Van Pyre says she prefers de darkness, as she gits burnt easily in de sunlight.

So, dere's only one plaque waitin for us now, and accordin to de book of Exeters dat will be de sluaghter of de first born. Bosco, has you any iddea what dat's all about?

De eye of Horris

Well, I is gonna stay ever viggilant for ocult cymbals, as well as iddles and poeple bowin down to imagges. Bosco says dat de Eye of Horris (which is from ancient Egpyt) is very danggerous and is a cymbal used by Cathlics. I found it as a gravven image in Anti Moly's bedroom, and I is rather scarred dat it is Sattanic.

I has still got my hands full wiv dem plaques dat is afflictin Bosco. De next one dat we got is loccusts, dem's horrid little critters. Dere's a recippe in the Bibble dat says eat dem wiv wild honey, and Grate-Anti Moly from Austriala says dey is deliccious wiv kaola bear or duck-billed plattypuss (I fink dat's a sort of cat). Bosco aint amussed dat he have to share his bedroom wiv loccusts, as it inteferres wiv his prayers to St Peter. Here is Bosco lookin very annoyyed, dem critters has eaten most of his hair.

Bosco still aint sure why a sinless bein like him is bein afflicted wiv dese plaques. He finks it is a nasty Cathlic trick dat de nunns in de convent is playin on us, just cos we likes screemin "You aint saved, sweetie. Come and join de Calumny Chappel!" frew de Muvver Superrior's window at 4 a.m.

Me, I fink its just dat de Lord aint pleased wiv us, maybe we aint tryin hard enuogh to convert Cathlics. So Bosco have written to de Pop to invite him round for tea, and if he is foolish enuogh to come, den we shall pounce.

Bosco got boils

Well we saw it commin, Bosco have got boils. Dis is de sixth plaque, and I really am worried about whether my dear bruvver has got dis Salivation business tottally sown up. Bosco phoned up Jessus to complane dat de Lord was persecutin him, but de number was unobtainabble.

Dis is a fambly blogg, and a photo of my darlin bruvver Bosco wiv boils mihgt be a bit scarey for children and give dem bad dreams, so I has painted his portrait for dis blogg. Note dat dis aint a graven image, and you would have to be mad to want to kiss it.

In fact we got de next plaque almost immediattely, dat was hail and thunder. Bosco was in de garden and a lot of big hail stones hit him on de head. I hope it dont bring on his concusion again, but franckly it is hard to tell when he is normal.

As it was Sunday, we went to de Calumny Chappel again, and Bosco disgiused himself, so dat nobody knew he had de plaque. In fact we is very braod-minded in de Chappel, and all de Pastor said was "You is lookin very well today Bosco, I hopes dat de brane dammage is better". Dis is Bosco in disgiuse.

De Bibble readin today was all about Solommon askin de Lord for wisdom, well Bosco got dat already. You can tell dat from his briliant thoelogical blogg, and de way he can argue de hind leg off a donkey (we got a lot of three-legged donkeys round here so dat proves it).

What I remembers about Solommon was dat he used to cut babies in half, I hope dat Bosco aint gonna start doin dis, we got enuogh probblems already wiv Anti Moly, and I dont fink dat can be de rihgt way to get saved. But I has hid de carvin knife just in case.

Scarlett and purple

Well, I is very worried dat Jessus is annoyed wiv my darlin bruvver Bosco, and dat he have gotta place reserved in de Lake of Fire (which means dat he aint as saved as he thuoght he was). Dis seems a bit unfair, as Bosco is de moddle of Christian virtue, and is always pollite and helpfull when he tries to save uvver people. He once got de Calumny Chappel award for takin de specks out of uvver people's eyes.

So Bosco he went to see Pastor La Sagne at de Calumny Chappel, and said "Jessus told me dat I was saved. Do you fink he's changed his mind? Is it cos we got some scarlett and purple flowers in de garden? In de book of Relevation it says dat means we is de horse of Babbleon."

Dese are de Sattanic flowers, we ripped em up and burnt dem to be on de safe side.

Anyways, we got more plaques infestin de house, as I prophesized. Bosco he says it is just de hot weather and de fact dat we never washes (cos we is already washed in de blud of de Labm). We got lice, den we got flies, and den all de catle dyin. Actaully, we aint got any catle, but I looked up de book of Exeters, and de text says "Behold, de hand of de LORD is upon de catle which is in de field, upon de horses, upon de asses, upon de cammels, upon the oxxen, and upon the sheep". So I fink dat de dead cat wot I found in de gardden mihgt be a sort of catle. But Grate-Anti Moly ate it raw and said it was dellicious, so maybe it only had a mild form of de plaque.

Bosco, I is very worried about scarlett and purple now, as I sees it everywhere. What about dis bird what was flyin over de house? Is it de horse of Babbleon?

Bosco got de plaque

In de Calumny Chappel we often has grate fun readin in de book of Exeters about de plaques of Egpyt, but I is very worried as I fink we has got dem too. It seems dat Jessus is tryin to tell us somefink, and I hope it aint de dread message "Bosco you aint saved. Off to de lake of fire wiv you!"

Actaully I fink it was a mistake of Bosco's to have de nubmer 666 tattoed on his arm, he said it was because Jessus had told him he was de 666th person in de history of de world to be saved. Here is a photo dat proves he got dis tatto.

De plaques started wiv de water turnin to blud. I turned on de tap and out come dis red stuff. Bosco's girlfiend Camila wiv de big teeth, she is delihgted of course (she says it is full of nutrimments). Also, Grate-Anti Moly says dat in Austriala she drinks from billabogs where de water quallity is very simillar, but Bosco and I aint so happy. Luckily after a few hours de water went back to normal, but now we has all got red shirts, cos de washin machine was on.

Dere is also a second plaque of Bosco, dat de Lord has inflicted. So maybe Bosco is like Jobb and dese are test of his great spiritaulity and goodness? Dis second plaque is frogs. Dey is everywhere, in Bosco's studdy where he writes his luvvly bloggs, in de bahtroom, in de beddrooms. We is gettin very tired of eatin "ciusse de grenioulle" (dat's French for frogs legs), and we still has all the rest of de frogs to use up.

Bosco is bearin dis matrydom very well. I hopes we dont get lice next, like in de book of Exeters, as I cant find any recippes for "ciusse de louse", and I fink only Anti Moly would eat dem anyway.

Here is a pitcher of a frogg dat Grate-Anti Moly is keepin as a pet. Dey say pets start to resebmle dere owners, and I fink dey is right.