Amazingly, Giles is more handsome than Eccles.
I was soon in trouble when I started writing for the Guardian. "Like a monkey at the zoo, Giles is intent on displaying himself from his least flattering angle," said one bishop. "Can't you put something in his tea?" Nowadays, of course, everything is put down to mental disorder, even the natural wish of a clergyman to show off to an admiring audience of lefties so that people will think he is clever. Many of my readers think that a good dose of medicine would solve my problems, although opinions differ as to whether it should be Ritalin, strychnine or (a suggestion from a Telegraph journalist) custard.
Modern therapy for people with nervous conditions.
People talk about depression, bi-polar conditions, autism, schizophrenia, ... but do they really exist? No, so snap out of it! Open the window! Climb out and go for a walk! Chew a copy of the Guardian! Read Eccles's hard-hitting blog! Put a tea-cosy on your head! Feeling better now?
Teapautism - but it's not an illness.
Look, I'm an expert on depression. After I preach my sermon on Sunday, I see a whole church full of people sitting there, in a catatonic state. Except for the ones hitting their heads against the wall. It's not mental illness, it's just their reaction to my latest theories about what Christ should have said! Perfectly normal!
Let's not try and make people happy. I don't believe in "comfortable words" or cheering up people. Smiling - arentchasickofit???
Mr Happy. Probably a bigot in his spare time.
