Pope's doctors admit "we should have removed the spleen."

The surgeons who removed Pope Francis's semi-colon this week have now admitted that they removed the wrong organ. "We see now that we should have removed his spleen, and probably also the gall bladder in which he stores up all his bile," they said.*

*The board at the foot of the papal hospital bed said "pain in the backside", but this was not a medical diagnosis.

As Evelyn Waugh would have put it: A typical triumph of modern science to find the only part of Francis that was not malignant and remove it.

The pope's behaviour has been increasingly bizarre in recent weeks.

Francis has returned from hospital full of venom and bitterness, and it took him just two days to issue a new Motu Proprio "Traditionis Custodes" (an anagram of "Ass! Idiot! Destruction!" but that is probably just a coincidence). Subtitled "Why Benedict is wrong and I am right", the papal scribbles begin with the phrase Guardians of the tradition, the bishops in communion with the Bishop of Rome, showing that the pope could have had a successful career as a comedian if he had wished.

"Nobody's ever called me a guardian of tradition before!"

So, apart from the obvious question "Quis custodiet ipsos traditionis custodes?" we serious Catholic commentators need to ask some fundamental questions:

1. What is he doing?
2. Why is he doing it?
3. Will he get away with it?

Two popes doing what they do best.

Now the pope's reasoning behind the repeal of Summorum Pontificum without even waiting for Benedict to die may be seen as just another case of loutish bad manners (like refusing to answer the Dubia, slapping pilgrims, snubbing Cardinal Zen, etc.) but in fact it is dealing with one of the worst crises in the church: the popularity of the traditional Mass.

I'm sure that these things are randomly chosen.

After all, there can be nothing more serious! Child abuse, idol-worship, the persecution of the Church in China, Fr James Martin's sodoministry, Devout Catholic Biden's abortion mania, the widespread embezzlement of Vatican finances, the squandering of Peter's Pence on dirty films, heretical papal documents, ... all these are trivialities compared with the use of the same Mass as our grandparents used before Vatican II.*

*Did you genuflect when Vatican II was mentioned? I did. Fun, wasn't it?**

**Remember that Vatican II changed nothing at all. Which is why everything has changed.

The cunning plan:

1. Blame the traditional Mass for causing a schism.
2. Cause a schism by banning it.

"All right, lads. You know where he lives. You know what you have to do.

Priests: if you wish to celebrate a Mass in the Extraordinary Form, it is very simple now: all you need is for your bishop to ask the Pater Sanctus for a signed letter giving permission (one for every time you wish to celebrate). Pope Francis is very good at answering letters (ask Burke, Brandmüller, etc.) and will gladly take time off from his Pachamama devotions to scribble you a note.

Curiously, some bishops are actually giving Pope Francis (and his evil side-kick the sinister Dr Rauci) a shock, by saying that they will continue to allow Latin Masses as before. Some really are "Traditionis Custodes" after all. Amazing!

"Muscles" Barron prepares to celebrate the Extraordinary Form.

Incidentally, all this was foreseen two months ago in the writings of the Prophet Eccles.

The Pope's Magnum Principium

The Pope has published an apostolic letter (or Motu Proprio for those of a rigid disposition) entitled Magnum Principium. The term means "great principle", so after four years of this remarkable papacy, it has finally been revealed what the Pope's Great Principle is.

Is it: Faith? Hope? Charity? Humility? Mercy? Jesuit fudging? True doctrine (stop sniggering at the back)?

Nothing like Pope Francis, but would probably do just as good a job.

No, it's "I can't be bothered to run the Church myself, and so the Bishops' Conferences - which are already deciding on their own interpretations of Amoris Laetitia - will now be able to have their own Mass translations." Well, we say "translations", but "free variations on a theme in accordance with 'some principles handed on since the time of Vatican II' (???)" is nearer the point.

Over to Father James Martin SJ, the Pope's special adviser on doctrine, and a man with lots of original ideas.

"I'm going for a special Jesuit translation, which will omit the General Confession entirely, since we don't recognise any sins these days. Well, except voting for Trump, ignoring climate change, or refusing to laugh at Steve Colbert's tasteful jokes."

One of Steve Colbert's tasteful jokes.

"Then the Creed will become a free for all, in which the congregation will be encouraged to join when they feel like it, and remain silent over the bits they disagree with (this may be all of it!) We shall also have a few minutes at the end of the Creed for worshippers to add their own new ideas - for example about the Holy Spirit being female, and Mary Magdalene the first pope."

"But the highlight will be the sign of peace, when the Priest - this is too imortant for a Deacon - will invite people to participate with the words 'GIVE US A KISS'. The men in the congregation (for doctrinal reasons women are not welcome here) will be asked to come up and embrace the priest."

Practising for the Sign of Peace.

Others have their own ideas for rewriting the Mass. Many experts in Latin have pointed out that the correct translation of "Et cum spiritu tuo" is NOT "And with your spirit", but "And also with you". Or, more correctly, "Cheers, mate!" So this is likely to change.

And just because two countries speak the same language, that is no reason for them to say the same words. American Catholics (the few who attend Mass) will probably go for the LGBTSJ translation above, while English Catholics (we can't call them Anglo Catholics, unfortunately) will have a form of words known as "Vin-acular" based on the Liverpudlian traditions of Cardinal Nichols. Finally, Australian masses will include an interval for "tinnies", and the final part will be based on the traditional Latin prayer "Saltatio Vindobonensis Cum Matilda" or "Waltzing Matilda".

We live in interesting times, my friends.

"This should last a lifetime, Arthur. Or until some fool changes it again."