This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday 6 October 2012

King Küng attacks Vatican

From the Godruin newspaper

King Küng

A distinguished Catholic theologican confronting his critics.

The distinguished Swiss Catholic theologian Hans "King" Küng, one of the few Catholic priests who has been explicitly banned from teaching Catholic theology, today called on the Catholic faithful to rise up and unseat the Pope. "Naturally, this will leave a job vacancy in Rome - it will be best filled by a distinguished Swiss Catholic theologian with an impressive CV listing 30 books in which I do not teach Catholic theology," he explained.

Küng went on to list some of the heinous crimes of Pope Benedict, which included not inviting him to the Vatican's Christmas party, refusing to respond to 2000 messages left on the papal Ansafone, and an obsessive adherence to traditional Catholic teaching. "This is precisely the sort of thing the Nazis did," he commented.

Hitler and Küng

Hitler (2nd left) and Küng (extreme right) at a party.

As he sits in his study, I realise that the great scholar Küng is a very modest man; his room contains a portrait of Sir Thomas More and looks out on a two-metre statue of himself (yes, really). "When I become Pope," he explains, "we shall remove all those ridiculous statues of Christ, Our Lady, St Peter, etc., and replace them with my own statues. Many Catholics will wish to kiss them, I am sure."

Hans Küng

The statue of Hans Küng, awaiting installation in Rome.

Küng himself explained to me why he was so widely regarded as an eminent theologian. "My religious views have been backed by so many people worldwide," he explained. "No Catholics, it's true, but surely if Richard Dawkins, Abu Hamza, Desmond Tutu and Barack Obama all back my attempts to harass the Pope, I must be doing the right thing, no?"

Even in the mystic East, there are devotees of the ancient martial art of Küng Fool, which was pioneered by the great theologian: it is considered to be an excellent way of attacking people with your bare Hans. "Well, I must go now," said Fr Küng. "I'm working on another three books that are nothing to do with Catholic theology, and I am wasting valuable ranting time. Oh, by the way, don't forget to mention that I am a priest in good standing!"

Rebel priest

... and I burnt my dog-collar as an act of rebellion.

Next week, in a "first" for the Godruin, we will interview an ordinary non-heretical Catholic, one who is not trying to attack the Pope.


  1. Hans "King" Küng has a group of devoted followers in Ireland going by the name of the Association of Catholic Priests. They meet occasionally in a telephone box to plot the overthrow of the Irish Catholic Church. Among their members is Fr Iggy Donovan OSA (who has proclaimed his great devotion to "King" Küng) and Fr Tony Flannery CSsR whom the Vatican had the temerity to 'silence' recently. The latter action elevates the theologian to almost sainthood status among Kungians.

  2. Excellent, Eccles!

    But now a real challenge: could you reprise the piece under the heading: 'Schillebeeckx’…?

    Granted, it would be phonetically taxing and must needs be a post mortem interlocution. But as they say: ‘nil de bonis, nisi mortuus’…

    1. Um, maybe we needs to organize dis as a series of "Cathlic martyrs." Tina Beattie, Hans Küng, ...

    2. darling eccles - missed your wonderful wit during my week off - good to see you on top form here. The 'Eccleston Square Maryrs' sounds just the thing xx Jess

    3. Ullo Jess, I is so glad to see you back, but I reeds your blogg, so I knew you was travellin. Signed Eccles (saved).

    4. dere eccles, maybe not a list of calflik martyrs but prhaps a list of nominations for the honnor? we could even see an awards ceremoney on the telly. everybody seem to like bein on dose shows!

  3. And when we create the list of modern Catholic martyrs, let us not forget the Dominican Matthew Fox, banned from teaching and drummed out opf the church without so much as a farewell Fair Trade coffee gathering..

    His only crime was to ordain his dog as Archbishop of Los Angeles. As American Catholic bishops go, his dog would have been a reasonably good candidate, so what was the fuss about?

  4. But don't forget, when it's a matter of King Kung vs. Godzwilla, we already know who will win in the end.

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  6. From Saturday's Guardian to yesterday's Sunday, dear, dotty old Hans Küng is everywhere for the fiftieth anniversary of Vatican II, on which see my site on the anniversary itself, on Thursday.

    Earlier this year, in an "argument" decidedly reminiscent of the Lefebvrist one about the unchangeable universality of the frequently changed and never-universal Tridentine Missal, Küngclaimed that an Apostolic Constitution of Paul VI invalidated any subsequent ordinations to the Episcopate according to the previous Roman Rite, such as those by Archbishop Lefebvre. (I myself await the judgement of the Holy Father as to whether it is possible to have a Catholic intention to confer the Episcopate contrary to the express will of the Roman Pontiff, as such. So there is a question of validity. Just not the one posed by Küng.)

    But he went further: if the Pope permitted the reconciliation as bishops of those thus invalidly ordained, then he would have committed a schismatic act, and thus forfeited his position. Küng is not only a sort of Lefebvrist; he is a full-blown sedevacantist. The Tablet, in which he published this position, is now a sedevacantist publication which therefore ought no longer to be distributed on church premises.

    Ha, Ha, Ha, and all that. But Küng is a nasty piece of work. His disparagement of Blessed John Paul the Great's Polishness made and make them the authentic voice of the age-old Teutonic racism against the Slavs. He only gets away with it because he is Swiss. As a foreign preacher of hate, he ought not to be permitted to enter the United Kingdom. Blessed John Paul is a kind of litmus test, which Lefebvrists and all points right fail along with liberals and those, such as Küng, who have, in the words of the dissident American nuns, "moved beyond Jesus".