Tributes to Emeritus Pope Benedict XVI

As the Catholic world (and many others) mourns the death of the Emeritus Pope, we found a variety of alternative tributes.

Kevin McGhoul of the Daily Moron.

So that's got rid of Benedict then! Did you know that he was Hitler's right-hand man and founded the Hitler Youth? I can reveal that is true name wasn't Benedict, but Joseph Goebbels. After the war ended he changed his name to Ratzinger, then a bit later he hid himself away in Rome to avoid the Nazi-hunters. I know all about these things.

Who would have thought that this man would end up as Pope?

You know that Jimmy Saville was a Catholic? Well, doesn't that prove that Benedict covered up child abuse? Also he was transphobic, homophobic, claustrophobic, and [I'll think of some more phobias later]. Our ace correspondent Greta Thunberg tells me that his carbon footprint was enough to kill three polar bears every week!

Fr Tommy Rot SJ.

I forgive Benedict for his many faults - mainly sacking me from Amerika magazine because he realised that I was a useless toad. During his papacy and that of Pope John-Paul II - come to think of it, during all papacies except the present one - free debate was suppressed and only people who actually believed all that Catholic stuff were allowed to guide the Church.

Benedict described homosexuality as "intrinsically disordered" - an accusation which has set the Jesuit movement back many years. No, the big mistake the electors made in 2005 was in choosing someone who was wise and intelligent - they certainly avoided that error when it came to the 2013 conclave!

Instead of listening to other opinions, Benedict insisted on Catholic teaching! You wouldn't catch Pope Francis telling people what to do, or what to believe! He listens to everyone, from Pachamama downwards!

Professor Doctor Max Beans.

As you can read in the 25 articles I have written since I heard about Pope Benedict's demise yesterday morning (Boston Globule, Commonwart Magazine, Les Crocks, The Beano, Huffington Puffington, Gelato Weekly, ...) the reign of Pope Benedict was a disaster. He may have been the greatest theologian in the world (after myself, that is!) but he was responsible for a revival of traditional Latin Masses, the Ordinariate, and a legacy that Pope Francis is finding it hard to destroy. Hermeneutic of Continuity! I tell you, if Francis knew what it meant, he would be cancelling it!

Benedict made many Catholics feel orphaned, and not only those who were complete bastards already. If only he had been more progressive!

Will that do, Eccles? I have to write ten more hit pieces before lunchtime. The Babble-on Bean blog is getting impatient!

Hitler's Pap

You thought that John Cornwell - author of Forget Hitler - it was all Pius XII's fault - was totally discredited, and would retire from making a fool of himself in public, but no, the BBC has taken him out of storage and let him onto BBC Radio 4's "Sunday". This is described optimistically as a religious news and current affairs programme, and was presented this time by an atheist, William Crawley.

The problem is that the Vatican is opening up the Pius XII archives, which may in due course lead to the canonization of the great man (Pius, not Cornwell), and it is therefore the BBC's duty to put a spoke in the wheel by digging out the world's greatest anti-Pius troll.

This is not entirely bad: for the Vatican no longer employs a Devil's Advocate to scrutinise possible canonizations - which may explain some recent choices - so that talking to an amateur devil's advocate, however foolish, may be better than nothing.

"The hills are alive with the Sound of Music"* - Pope Pius XII plotting with Nazis.

*Fr Hunwicke doesn't have a monopoly on obscure jokes.

Unfortunately, the BBC was unable to provide a balanced debate, owing to its strict policy of pushing its own beliefs (we are not sure, but it is probable that Cornwell is also a Brexit Remainer, keen on immigration, "trans" rights, etc.)

Anyway, we shall know more when the archives are opened, but our mole in the Vatican has taken a sneak preview, and sends us something that is surely very incriminating:

Is this in the Pius XII archives? Is it still drinkable?

There's good in all of us

This blog has occasionally been criticised for taking a negative attitude towards certain people - apparently casting down the mighty from their seats and exalting the humble and meek isn't appreciated if you're one of the ones being cast down - so today we get into the Christmas spirit and praise everyone. After all, even Pope Francis is supposed to have said that all of us are redeemed, and this also applies to our pets, especially cute ones.

Mother and child, by A. Hitler.

Sister Wendy Beckett comments: This charming picture, from the "Nazi" School of art, shows a touching scene of a mother and child. See the devotion in the mother's eyes, as she regards her little baby, born to be Führer, while he looks around, perhaps wondering whether he needs more Lebensraum. Evidently, the artist was a kind and sensitive man, who knew the true meaning of love. Do look up his life history, as I am sure that we can follow his example in many ways.

Lord Voldemort.

Damian Thompson writes: Lord Voldemort, sometimes incorrectly called "Lord Tom Voldemort" by people who don't know how to refer to peers of the realm, was a talented wizard. I knew him well in his childhood in Reading, when he was simply Tom Marvolo Riddle; he attended the same primary school as I did, before winning a scholarship to Hogwarts, and was a very clever boy indeed, coming second in the class (to me). Although a devout Catholic, he was strongly influenced by the Spirit of Vatican II, and this may have contributed to the bad press he received in later years. I blame Cormac Murphy-O'Connor.

Basil Fawlty attempts to mend a broken-down car.

Andrew Sachs explains: Basil Fawlty has received a lot of bad press, from those who see him as a bad-tempered bully. However, we must wonder whether with such a personality he would have been better suited to another occupation, for example, as a deacon in the Croydon area. In any case, having encountered both him and Russell Brand, I have to say that Mr Fawlty was a much kinder person all round, and he definitely never made nuisance telephone calls or tried to harass bank staff going about their lawful business. No, with all his faults Mr Fawlty was a kind and generous man, and he certainly wouldn't have written a pretentious "bookie wookie" called Revolution.

In praise of Cardinal Kasper

Coo-ee, Wally-babes!!?? Your Eminence, I mean!!?? It's little Judy Piranha here, the Nun on the Number 6 Bus, Entertainments Officer (!!) at the Convent of Naughtiness!!?? First of all, an apology!!?? I was rude about you my previous post, but that's because I thought you were a nasty traddy, like most princes of the Church!!?? Now I see that you're a sort of Prince Harry of the Church, and you like a good time just as much as the rest of us, baby!!??

The logo of the Extraordinary General Synod on the Family.

So, Wally, dear, you're right about those NASTY African cardinals!!?? We shouldn't listen to them!!?? They're probably CANNIBALS in their spare time, or they do VOODOO, and some of them are WITCH-DOCTORS of the Church!!?? What can they tell us about Christian teaching, eh??!! Don't talk to me about St Augustine of Hippo!!?? He was an African too, and he probably did tribal dances in the jungle!!??

Now, take your own country, Germany, Walter mein Herr!!?? Throughout the 20th century it led the world in morality, compassion, and justice!!?? Well, except for HITLER!!?? And even Hitler was a vegetarian - so no taking bites out of passing sheep for him!!?? The only wool he ever chewed came out of the finest carpets!!?? So shut your face, Cardinal M'bongo (memo, check name!!), we don't want to hear from you and your brethren!!??

Judy Piranha gets tough with the Africans!!??

Western secular values are great, aren't they??!! We're told that it's the age of free love, with sex with whomever you want, whenever you want - but this is what the Catholic Church is MISSING!!?? We could learn a lot from the ANGLICANS here!!?? They don't feel they have to take any notice of what somebody in the BIBLE said about MARRIAGE and the FAMILY!!?? No, they're getting lesbian bishops now, and FUN all the way!!?? Or indeed, take the ATHEISTS!!?? They're TOPS on morality!!?? They must be - when did you ever hear Richard Dawkins announce that he'd sinned!!??

Meanwhile, back at the Synod...

That Relativism post deceptionem is great, isn't it??!! No more whining about GOD, SIN, etc. (YAWN!!), but just those simple words from Alice in Wonderland: Everybody has won, and all must have prizes!!?? Or, in the language used at Vatican II: FROM NOW ON, DO YOUR OWN THING, GUYS!!??

Never mind Cardinals Burke and Hare (memo, check name!!) Of COURSE the Relativism doesn't reflect the discussion so far!!?? It isn't supposed to!!?? It reflects WHERE WE'RE TRYING TO GET TO!!?? And I know Pope Francis agrees with me!!?? He phoned me up at the convent!!?? "Judy, my dear," he said. "You're leading the way in naughtiness, and that's WONDERFUL!!??"

The Synod's conclusion: Everybody has won and all must have prizes!!??

So it's hats off - well, wimples off, and indeed anything else off that you fancy - to Wally Kasper!!?? With him in charge, the Catholic Church is going back to the 1960s, where it truly belongs!!?? Byeeeee!!??

Downfall

We have arrived in Cannes for the start of the Film Festival: last night we saw a very exciting new film called Downfall, which we strongly recommend.

Right, we've imposed a voluntary gag on the deacon. No more "Protect the Pope"!

Mein Bischof... the deacon's wife is still blogging!

Himmel! She knows where the bodies are buried.

She must be stopped! And the deacon must continue his voluntary silence!

Don't worry, the bishop won't try and interfere with ACTA.

Why doesn't anyone read my blog? There's no moral guidance in it whatsoever!

More from Cannes soon, including something religious, possibly...

Celebrities move to Belgium

Belgium has long been an attractive place for tax exiles: for example, in recent years the rock singer Johnny Hallyday and the actor Gérard Depardieu have both applied for Belgian citizenship. And this week, Adolf Hitler, 124, a retired politician, announced that he and some close friends would also be moving to the land of the sprout.

Hitler begins his house-hunting.

Herr Hitler had formerly been a resident of North Korea; however, as he says laughingly, "The political system there is great, but I get a bit tired of hot dogs made from real poodles. With the passing of this new law in Belgium, permitting the euthanasia of children, I feel I am really moving to a country that suits me."

Hitler has long been an admirer of Belgium - indeed, for a few years in the 1940s he owned it - although he never dreamed that his ideas would come back into fashion so soon. However, not all Belgians welcome the new law, and Mlle Lisa Colbert, for one, is planning to set up a resistance movement, or "secret army" to rescue children.

We'll be sending children "down the line" to Spain.

Following concerns expressed by Syria, the United Nations is expected to take some time off Vatican-bashing, to look into the situation. Said a spokesman, "We have received a proposal from the United States, that we should try air strikes on Belgium - according to Barack Obama, dropping bombs on people is the best way to help them - and we are seriously considering the possibility."

"Live long and prosper (unless you're ill)!" says Prime Minister Elio di Rupo.

Suicide, euthanasia, and abortion have long been important parts of Belgian culture. Explained one doctor: "People wake up one day, and say to themselves My God! I'm a Belgian! For many, this is such shocking news that they feel obliged to end it all on the spot."

A traditional welcoming sign at the Belgian border.

Before the new euthanasia law comes into force, it must receive the royal assent from King Philippe of Belgium, who is a devout Catholic and a regular reader of this blog. We advise him to abdicate to avoid putting his signature to this law, as did his uncle, King Baudouin when abortion was legalised, although this will not save Belgium. And where Belgium leads, can the rest of Europe be far behind? Another famous Belgian is on the case (and we don't mean Hercule Poirot).

We're working on a new "euthanasia" directive, to apply to the whole of the EU.

New Hymns 5

In this slot we have previously invited John Henry Newman, King David, Charles Wesley, and Christina Rossetti to attend masterclasses on how to write a good "modern" hymn. Today, we are pleased to welcome William Williams, author of Guide me, O thou great Jehovah (or possibly ...Redeemer). In fact, Bill, you wrote this song originally in Welsh?

WW: Arglwydd, arwain trwy'r anialwch!

Fi, bererin gwael ei wedd...

E: Er, yes, thank you. Of course I speak Welsh fluently, but for the benefit of my readers we'll continue in English, if you don't mind.

WW: Not at all, old fruit.

E: Now, here is the first verse you wrote, in a popular translation:

Guide me, O Thou great Redeemer,
Pilgrim through this barren land;
I am weak, but Thou art mighty;
Hold me with Thy powerful hand:
Bread of Heaven, bread of Heaven
Feed me till I want no more.
Feed me till I want no more.

WW: Yes, and it's usually sung to the stirring tune of Cwm Rhondda.

E: No good, I'm afraid. Too many ideas crammed into one verse, and the tune is not one that you can clap your hands to. Liturgical dancers also find it a bit tricky to participate.

Strictly Cwm Dancing.

WW: Well, I didn't have the benefit of modern musical scholarship, Eccles. Can you help?

E: Yes. Let's change the tune first. How about a song that people can jump to, like Colonel Bogey?

The best tune for today's hymn.

WW: Is that the one about Hitler's deficiencies?

E: Well, in some traditions, but we can adapt your hymn to this too. Note how we just use the first line, and repeat it several times. Thus we don't overload the hymn with ideas!

Guide me, thou great Re-de-e-mer!
Guide me, thou great Re-de-e-mer!
Guide me, oh guide me, guide me,
Oh guide me, guide me, oh guide me, ha-ha!

WW: I don't remember writing "Ha-ha!"

E: Well I would have said "Ch-ch" but Paul Inwood might have complained that I'd pinched one of his deeper theological ideas. We need something clunky to end on.

WW: What happens in Verse 2? "Pilgrim through this barren land" doesn't scan.

E: We can get round that.

I am a jolly pilgrim, Lord!
I am a jolly pilgrim, Lord!
I am a jolly pilgrim,
A jolly pilgrim, a pilgrim, ho-ho!

Like the surprise ending?

I am a jolly pilgrim, Lord!

WW: Well, I didn't see that coming.

E: Note that the verse is now mostly about YOU, and not about God.

WW: So would Verse 3 ("I am weak, but thou art mighty") now be better if it were something like I am - a pretty useless chap?

E: No, that's not inclusive language, Bill. Maybe, I don't - feel very well some days. Still about you, of course. But you know what the real problem with your hymn is?

WW: I'd be very grateful if you could tell me, Eccles.

E: It doesn't mention light, sunrise, shining, etc. These are very popular with modern hymnwriters.

WW: Well...

Sunrise - I like the shining light!
Sunrise - I like the shining light!
Sunrise, I like the sunrise,
I like the sunrise, the sunrise, hee-hee!

Bring me sunshine...

E: Well, we've come a long way from your original hymn, but I'm sure that our new version is a great improvement.

WW: Eccles, thank you very much.

E: My pleasure, Bill.

The Beaky folk of Creepy Crawley

Misposted by Archdruid Eileen after an overdose of Pimm's.

Liturgy for use at a memorial service for Bill Pertwee of Dad's Army.

Archdruid: We are gathered together to remember William (Bill) Pertwee, who so movingly played Warden Hodges in Dad's Army. May perpetual light shine upon him and...

Omnes: Put that light out!

The late William Pertwee.

Archdruid: Ruddy hooligans!

Omnes: Now look 'ere, Napoleon...

Verger (sotto voce): Her reverence isn't going to like this...

Archdruid: All right, let's have a little Gregorian chant to calm ourselves down here.

Anthem: Quem te decipere putas, O Hitlere?*

*Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler?

Guest blogger, Snowball the pig

Snowball the pig, star of Animal Farm.

Today we are pleased to be able to print an abridged version of the Telegraph blog by Snowball the pig, winner of the prestigious Orwell prize for his role in Animal Farm and his pioneering slogan about marriage: One man bad, two men better!

---

What cheek! Vincent Nichols invoked the spectre of an Orwellian, totalitarian state in his Christmas Day sermon, when he referred to the Government's attempts to bring in same-sex marriage. Christmas is a time for preaching a message of love and sex, for getting drunk and watching The Wizard of Oz on the television, and for wearing red hats with white trimmings. It is NOT a time for talking about morals, for trying to explain good and evil, or for mentioning controversial figures like Christ.

If Vincent Nichols had merely done what most priests do on Christmas Day: talked in vague terms about Father Christmas, and elves, and perhaps told us what Christmas presents he'd received, then nobody would have taken any notice. But he deliberately outraged non-Christians by taking a moral stand.

My partner, Napoleon, agrees with me.

What makes it more outrageous is that the Pope is an ex-Nazi - yes, he is, he is, he was a personal friend of Hitler, I tell you. That alone should stop him from condemning totalitarianism, fascism, dictators, or anything else. Bog off back to your bunker, Ratzinger, what makes you think you have any authority? Did you get an Orwell prize like me, or Polly Toynbee, or even Johann Hari?

The Pope, in the uniform of the Hitler youth, does a Nazi salute.

Well, that's put the Catholic church in its place - as the paramilitary wing of the National Socialists - so let me drone on a bit about Clause 28, that infamous piece of legislation which said that every day schools had to conduct a compulsory Two Minutes Hate for homosexuals. My own school didn't do this - in fact, they didn't mention homosexuality at all, except in geometry lessons, where some of the diagrams taught me how to find a loving life with another man.

Clause 28 banned diagrams like this, which taught me about sex.

Gosh, we had enough trouble reducing the age of consent to 16. You may say that boys of 16 aren't ready for sex, but of course the person they have sex with is often a fat man 20 years older, and he's not only ready, he's dying for it! Anyway, we won that battle, and now we're ready for the final battle - the complete take-over of marriage.

The Archbishop's relentless campaign - which lasted all of ten minutes - makes me more determined that the change must come. As I'm typing this I can hear the howling winds, still, loudly outside my window; the waves crash onto the shore, and the rocks on the beach are slowly worn down. Which is very odd, as I'm in a padded cell in London. I think I need more medication. Nurse!

Beasts of England, Beasts of Ireland...

King Küng attacks Vatican

From the Godruin newspaper

A distinguished Catholic theologican confronting his critics.

The distinguished Swiss Catholic theologian Hans "King" Küng, one of the few Catholic priests who has been explicitly banned from teaching Catholic theology, today called on the Catholic faithful to rise up and unseat the Pope. "Naturally, this will leave a job vacancy in Rome - it will be best filled by a distinguished Swiss Catholic theologian with an impressive CV listing 30 books in which I do not teach Catholic theology," he explained.

Küng went on to list some of the heinous crimes of Pope Benedict, which included not inviting him to the Vatican's Christmas party, refusing to respond to 2000 messages left on the papal Ansafone, and an obsessive adherence to traditional Catholic teaching. "This is precisely the sort of thing the Nazis did," he commented.

Hitler (2nd left) and Küng (extreme right) at a party.

As he sits in his study, I realise that the great scholar Küng is a very modest man; his room contains a portrait of Sir Thomas More and looks out on a two-metre statue of himself (yes, really). "When I become Pope," he explains, "we shall remove all those ridiculous statues of Christ, Our Lady, St Peter, etc., and replace them with my own statues. Many Catholics will wish to kiss them, I am sure."

The statue of Hans Küng, awaiting installation in Rome.

Küng himself explained to me why he was so widely regarded as an eminent theologian. "My religious views have been backed by so many people worldwide," he explained. "No Catholics, it's true, but surely if Richard Dawkins, Abu Hamza, Desmond Tutu and Barack Obama all back my attempts to harass the Pope, I must be doing the right thing, no?"

Even in the mystic East, there are devotees of the ancient martial art of Küng Fool, which was pioneered by the great theologian: it is considered to be an excellent way of attacking people with your bare Hans. "Well, I must go now," said Fr Küng. "I'm working on another three books that are nothing to do with Catholic theology, and I am wasting valuable ranting time. Oh, by the way, don't forget to mention that I am a priest in good standing!"

... and I burnt my dog-collar as an act of rebellion.

Next week, in a "first" for the Godruin, we will interview an ordinary non-heretical Catholic, one who is not trying to attack the Pope.

Rational Observations

This blog has been accused of pushing a strong pro-Christian line, and so, to redress the balance, we have a guest blogger today, Mr Rational Observations.

Our guest blogger, sunbathing

The Bible is all fiction

I have studied the Bible for over 60 years, and all the evidence indicates that it is a complete work of fantasy, possibly composed by the Emperor Nero, the celebrity violinist who founded the Christian religion as we now know it.

To take an example at random: the character Moses is obviously fictional, and nothing but a corrupted form of the name Mo-hammed which, as I have discovered in my detailed researches, is a name known to Islamic scholars.

The Bible is full of historical errors; for example, we are asked to believe that Joseph was the son of Israel alias Jacob, and wore a coat of many colours; but when we next see him, betrothed to Mary, the coat is never mentioned, and several hundred years seem to have passed.

The husband of Mary?

Likewise, King Saul is supposed to be killed at Mount Gilboa, but guess what, he pops up again, alive, on the road to Damascus, and tries to fool us by changing his name to Paul. I have made a detailed study of Biblical names, and if Saul can be called Paul, then why isn't Solomon ever called Polomon? Even the Pope cannot answer that.

There is no historical evidence outside the Bible for the existence of any of the following in the 1st century AD: Jerusalem, the Emperor Caesar Augustus, sheep, or the Sea of Galilee. Well, I couldn't find any.

A mythical beast, as unreal as a unicorn or dragon

Christ's message of repression

Well, having disposed of the Bible, let's turn to the record of Christianity throughout the ages. Jesus Christ, who never existed by the way, had this message: I came not to send peace, but the sword (Matthew 10:34, in reality written by a bronze-age goatherd called Umbog the Deranged, but that's another story).

Over the years, Christians have seen their mission as one of death and slaughter. Hitler was a pious Catholic, who spent his summers in a monastery near Munich, reciting the Rosary. Stalin was a Russian Orthodox monk, sent out by his abbot to cause as much mayhem as possible - I have discovered that Stalin was not his real name, but the Vatican canonized him as St Alin, because he served their evil purposes so well. Mao was a Christian (his name is another version of "Moses"), who would have spent his life as a humble restaurant-manager, serving Set Meals for 4 with Fried Rice, if he had not been corrupted by fanatical missionaries.

The Baptism of Mao

The Death of Christianity

Luckily, the cult of Christianity is dying out. The churches are empty, and the Pope is reduced to employing actors to make the buildings seem used. Look at the picture below, alleged to show crowds in St Peter's Square, Rome.

A forged picture

But St Peter's Square isn't even in Rome, it's in Manchester, so no doubt the crowds were Manchester United supporters.

Proof that St Peter's Square isn't in Rome

"Saint" Peter was another of these shifty Biblical characters who changed their names. As a long-time scholar of the Bible I can reveal that his real name was Simon. But then lots of people in the Bible are called Simon - it's a corruption of "Someone," meaning that the writer doesn't have any concrete evidence for the existence of the person in question.

Thank goodness that the Queen herself is a committed atheist, who reads the works of Polly Toynbee in the bath (I have photographic evidence of this, but I choose not to publish it, as it would embarrass Her Majesty). But she is forced to pay lip-service to Christianity if she doesn't want to be executed like so many of her ancestors.

Her Majesty the Queen, a confirmed atheist

Prince Charles, describing himself as "Defender of all faiths," is waiting for the Queen's demise so that he can declare himself to be a rationalist, secularist and humanist. Prince William? Well he is a young man, and we can safely assume that he too is an atheist. Nowadays religious delusion is confined to the over-80s, most of whom are suffering from senile decay. Indeed, statistics show that over 98% in the under-40 age group have missed Mass on at least one Sunday in the last 10 years. Which proves my case.

I would like to express my thanks to Eccles for allowing me to put the record straight. May Polly bless you. R.O.

Going striaght

Well, Damain was releesed from prisson, after de pussonal intervention of bruvver Borris, and he has vowed to go striaght, i.e. do nuffin dat will upset de Pop, wot secretly controlls de Pollice in Enggland. Bosco tells me dat dey is all Freemassons, you see, and goes around wiv dere truoser legs rolled up. Dats why de Pop wears a dress so you can't see dat he got rolled up truoser legs underneaf.

So you will not see Damain doin any of dese fings dat saved poeple like my bruvver Bosco does.

1. Shout "I is saved and you isn't buster" frew de winder of de hospittal to encourrage poeple what is dyin.
2. Dress up as a clown and go to de Calumny Chappel.
3. Get his spiritaul nuorishment from forbbidden books like de Bibble in de origginal version written by King James.

Instead, he is gonna do the followin.

1. Say "I fink dat de ordinnariate is a wonderfull fing and it wuold be a good fing if de Magic Circus bishops didnt keep tryin to pioson Monsingors Newtton, Burnnham and Broahdurst."
2. Dress up in a shabby siut and go to de Mass.
3. Get his spiritaul nuorishment from Twiter.

Damain sure was aged by bein in prisson. Dis is what he looks like now.

Actaully, we aint feelin very happy wiv Damain right now. It turns out dat before he was arressted he made anuvver trip to Lost Angels to research his new book on dognut addiction (dat's why on Twiter dey calls him "Holey Snack"). He didnt even tell Bosco and me dat he was gonna be there, so he missed out on all de delihgts of minglin with saved poeple. Why even Anti Moly had planed to take him to a gin pallace. We is all deeply offendded.

Bosco has ressumed de BOSCO FOR POP campaing. He finks dat de best way to make himself poppular wiv Cathlics is to prettend he is Gerrman like de Pop. De only Gerrmans he knows about are de Nazzis, so he dressed himself up like a Nazzi and went into de street to make a speech, he fuoght it would go well like dem Nurrenbug Relays.

"Follow me gut pople and you vill be saved," said my dere bruvver Bosco. "Ze Pop is an old man, und it is time dat ve had a new Foorer who vill torcher dem what aint saved. Heil Bosco!"

De pollice explaned politly to Bosco (by hittin him wiv dere battons) dat Nazzis are not very poppular dese days. Bosco told dem dat secrettly de Pop hid Hittler in de Vattican when de war ended in 1945. Dat didnt make any diference, de pollice carried on hittin my bruvver Bosco.

My Anti Moly says dat when she was yuong she was engagged to Herrman Gorring, but she fuoght he was a bit of a windbag and broke off de engaggement. Dis is one of de ironnies of histry, cos if my Anti had been less fussy, dere mihgt have been no World War 2.

Dis is a pitcher of de man wot frew himself at Anti's feet.