This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday 7 February 2018

The Code of the Moggs

"I say, Jeeves," I asked my faithful valet one morning, "what do you make of this Moggmania that everyone's talking about?"

"A perfectly normal reaction, sir," replied the f.v. "Mr Rees-Mogg has announced that he is an orthodox Catholic, and so he is pro-life and believes in traditional marriage. This seems to have struck a chord with many people."

Thugg and Mogg

Thugg versus Mogg.

"But dash it, I say, Jeeves, aren't there any clerics to do that sort of thing? Why should it be left to old Moggers?"

I should explain at this point that Moggers and I go back a long way. We were both inmates at Aubrey Upjohn's prep school at Bramley-on-Sea. I once won a prize for Scripture Knowledge, but only because Moggers was ill on the day of the test. Of course, he won the prize easily in all the other years.

After being released from Upjohn's asylum, Moggers and I toddled off to Eton together, and the old bean is now one of my best friends. We meet regularly at the Drones Club to throw buns at "cloudy" Welby and the other heretics.

JRM and Mary O'Regan

Professor O'Regan (Divinity) compliments Moggers on his scriptural knowledge.

Still, I didn't expect him to end up as a great spiritual leader, like that boy Dolly Lama, or the Argentine exchange student "Chop Suey" Bergles.

"I'm afraid, sir, that clerics no longer promote Catholic values," explained Jeeves. "Cardinal Nichols, for example..."

"Never mind my Uncle Vincent," I snapped at Jeeves. "He's very much the black sheep of the family. We don't mention him in polite company."

"Very good, sir. By the way, I really would not advise those 'gay Muslim' socks. We do not wish to be mistaken for the Prime Minister of Canada, do we, sir?"

Justin Trudeau and those socks

A male model shows off his 'gay Muslim' socks.

"Good Lord, Jeeves, I thought they were rather natty! But I dare say you're right. I don't want strange people following me in the street. Take the socks and give them to Uncle Vincent."

"Thank you, sir. By the way, there is a telegram for you."

I read the missal.

BERTIE YOU OLD NEO-PELAGIAN STOP I NEED TO BORROW JEEVES STOP GOT MYSELF INTO A FIX WITH THE CHILEANS STOP EVEN BEANS FAGGIOLI CAN'T SPIN THIS ONE STOP SEND JEEVES TO ROME AT ONCE STOP BE A GOOD EGG STOP BERGLES

"I haven't heard from 'Chop Suey' Bergles for years, Jeeves. What has become of him, I wonder?"

"I understand that he has become Pope, sir," replied my manservant. "There is some dispute about whether he received a certain letter."

POpe Francis and Cardinal O'Malley

"Now remember, Bergles, the letter is in your case."

"Oh, what a tangled something-or-other we weave, when first we tumty-tumty something, eh, Jeeves?"

"Indeed, sir. If you will permit me, I shall suggest to Pope Francis that he employ the tactics of Mr Rees-Mogg."

"Take up Catholicism, you mean?"

"Precisely, sir."

4 comments:

  1. I pray every day for Bergles to take up Catholicism. So far this has been to no avail. God simply allows him to keep on making a mess! I think that has something to do with the gift from God of "Free Will". Ah well, at least that has brought out quite a number of strange bedfellows who inhabit the Vatican.

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  2. Eccles, are you sure the letter hasn't been misfiled with the Third Secret?

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  3. Yes, I too pray for Bergles to get with the program.

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  4. Did you read a missal or a missive?

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