This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 14 February 2018

Pope Francis becomes a constitutional monarch

Catholics have the difficult task of reconciling the following two propositions:

1. The Pope is the Vicar of Christ, the successor of St Peter, the big cheese of the Universal Church, and an all-round infallible bloke.

2. Pope Francis spends all his time making a fool of himself, his knowledge of Catholic doctrine is at best hazy, and he has the mindset of a South American dictator.

As a result of the GLORIOUS REVOLUTION OF 2018, the Pope is henceforth a constitutional monarch, whose duties are limited to opening supermarkets, having tea with visiting dignitaries, and carefully avoiding the expression of an opinion on any subject whatsoever.

Pope Francis and Queen Elizabeth

"And what do YOU do?"

In the end, a Pope limited to purely ceremonial activities (for example, he may offer Mass, but is forbidden to preach a homily) is a lot less trouble all round. "But won't we miss the encyclicals and apostolic exhortations?" you ask. Well, actually, no we won't. We are already bombarded with far too much stuff from popes. Given that Catholic teaching does not and *cannot* change, why do we need more verbose stuff with Latin titles to tell us this?

Ah, you may say, some issues never arose in previous centuries. Do transgender men cause climate change? Is it sinful to eat crocodiles on a Friday? How about crocodile-skin handbags? Should we destroy the Daleks, or would they be saved if they switched to wind power?

Dr Who and Davros

A Doctor of the church discusses theology with a leading Jesuit.

Well, there's no point asking the Pope to rule on these issues. Synods don't seem to be the answer, as Cardinal Baldisseri will only rig them. Ho hum, it may be all down to Ignatian discernment (= guesswork) after all.

Anyway, these are minor issues, and can be sorted out, provided that the general policy is conservative, i.e., change nothing.

Pope and Trump

"Have you come far?"

The Pope will of course be allowed to make a Christmas broadcast, just as his opposite number Queen Elizabeth, the Supreme Governor of the Anglican Church does.

"In January we visited Chile, and I had great pleasure addressing cheering crowds, which in some cases ran into double figures. I had such a good time that I have persuaded my friend Archbishop Scicluna to go there for a little winter break. We have also been making friends with the Chinese, and they tell us that from now on they will save us the trouble of appointing bishops, but simply pick them from the Central Committee of the Communist Party! Why didn't we think of that before? Also I opened a new abortion clinic on the invitation of my good friend Mrs Bonino..."

Pope and crown

Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.

Yes, from now on Catholicism makes a lot more sense. And when we get a new Pope, we can go back to the old system.


  1. I assume this is tongue in cheek but it is directly formally heretical as the Church has declared the power of the Roman Pontiff infallibly at the 1st Vatican Council under Pope Pius IX.

    1. Could the 1st Vatican Council under Pio Nono have been WRONG? And Pio Decimo? And lotsa other popes, Councils and Our Lord -- and about lotsa other stuff -- you know: already defined doctrines' Papa Bergoglio, Cupich, unt Marx n Kasper are not too keen on. Either that or PF and co's "theology" is extremely ropey I fear. AND I know how I bet.

  2. 'Is it sinful to eat crocodiles on a Friday?' Not according to your fellow blogger Fr Z. Since reading that I have been trying to find a crocodile to eat on a Friday for some time but for some reason they seem to be scarce in Sussex. If I did find one I don't think it would fit into my shopping bag so crocodiles are off the menu in my household.

  3. I did like the second proposition i.e. The Pope spends his time making a fool of himself and his knowledge of Catholic doctrine is at best hazy and it is true that he has the mindset of a South American Dictator.
    What a good summary this is!

  4. His advance team told the Queen mum to wear lavender?!

  5. Gator jerky is available in many places in Florida. They even have homemade gator jerky at some roadside stands.

  6. I blush to say these words, but I have reluctantly concluded that His Holiness simply isn't very bright. The not-quite-bright-enough prefer to surround themselves with yes-men; they can't cope with disagreement or correction as they can't clearly articulate their own position.