Serener Francis in racism and sexism row

Critics of the superstar sportsman, His Serene Highness Pope Francis the First and Last, have been accused of racism and sexism, after they objected to the way he screamed at the judges in his latest tournament.

Serener Francis apparently indulged in one of his famous meltdowns, accusing his judges of being LITERALLY SATAN. "How dare you criticise me and my bishops?" he asked, throwing his zucchetto on the floor and stamping on it. "You cannot be serious. Only the Great Accuser would wish for our bishops to be brought to book for their misdeeds!"

Serener Francis has a humble (liquid) dinner with some despised members of society.

Tennis commentators such as Massie "the Prof" Faggioli, Aussie "clueless" Ivereigh and Tommy "Blocker" Rosica were quick to rush to the support of the serene superstar, winner of the St Gallen all-comers championship in 2013.

"Obviously it's racism, as he comes from the Southern Hemisphere," said one.

"People want to replace him by a white male, like, er, Cardinal Sarah," said another.

"Serene Francis is just what the Church needs - see my book Serener Francis - The Great Screamer, only 20p from any charity shop" said a third.

Although he has won many tournaments, Serener Francis has not always had things his own way. In the Dubia tournament of 2016 he dropped five match points to Ray Burke, the American seed, and has never forgiven him for this.

However, on the whole, Serener Francis has been greatly praised for his humble attitude to life - unlike Ray Burke, who served luxury profiteroles at his birthday party (£1.50 for 12), the Serene Pontiff chose to celebrate by inviting a humble group of homeless people, journalists, cameramen, and yes-men to eat a plate of Grande Scandalo Italian pasta in front of the cameras.

A typical sexist racist cartoon about Serener Francis.

As for whether Serener Francis will be disciplined for his latest outburst, it seems unlikely. If all else fails he can declare infallibly that nothing his bishops have done is contrary to Catholic teaching. In which case we are in deep trouble.

Anyone for Tina's?

Tina Beattie, the Billie-Jean Küng of Catholicism.

Fans of the great tennis star Ma Tina Unhinged are delighted to report that she will soon be appearing at Wimbledon. For a while it seemed that the career of the "bad girl of Catholicism" had stalled, after her Clifton suspension and her disqualification at San Diego, but she has now qualified for the Pugnacious Disloyola Cup (awarded by an group of very independent-minded Jesuits).

Women's Doubles - but should they be allowed to marry their partners?

So what can we expect to see from Ma Tina? Will she be able to obey the rules this time? Critics have said that her style is riddled with errors, starting with even the most basic service: for her it was like an act of homosexual intercourse. This caused apoplexy in the judges, who decided she had definitely overstepped the line.

Ma Tina's big weakness is her volley: she floats a lot of balls in the air - such as her argument from the doctrine of the Trinity that an embryo is not a person - only to have them smashed down by more orthodox players ("her ideas on the whole business are absurd," said one obstetrician, Dr Rafael Natal).

Roger, fed up with her.

On the whole, the prospects for Ma Tina do not look good, and it seems clear that she will not be winning many Catholic trophies in the near future, even if she survives Wimbledon. Apart from the Tablet, a paper known to maintain a sentimental affection for maverick players, few commentators now take her seriously.

Ma Tina - Now rot all over?