This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 7 July 2019

Damian Thompson quits the Catholic Herald

Following a take-over of the Sovereign Order of the Catholic Herald, its Grandmaster-in-chief, Fra' Damian Thompson, has quit his position because of "a difference of opinion". Commentators have been asking whether the "blood-crazed ferret" has been biting the bishops of England and Wales too hard, in view of his criticism of their lordships' response to the decision of hanging judge Mrs Justice "Blood! Cut! Sever! Aagh!" Lieven to force a woman to abort her baby (a decision now overturned).

Pope and Damian

Pope Francis and Grandmaster Damian, in happier times.

Fra' Thompson's "In some ways, possibly, well, one might argue, without making too much of this, that the bishops' response to the court decision was less than it might have been had it been more than it was" was itself a watered-down version of what he originally wrote, namely, "Ye brood of vipers, who hath shewed you to flee from the wrath to come?"

We have not yet determined who the new owners of the Catholic Herald are, although George Soros, who recently added the Vatican to his portfolio, is the most likely candidate.

Jabba and Soros

Two photos of George Soros, the new owner of the Herald.

So who will be the next Grandmaster-in-chief of the Sovereign Order of the Catholic Herald? The owners will clearly want to go for a "Catholic Lite" journalist, such as Austen Ivereigh, Robin Mickens, or Christopher Lamb. (Fr Thomas Rosica is tipped to take over the U.S. edition, although other sources say that he is retiring to a medieval monastery to work as a copyist.)

Austin Powers

I'm Austen. Please, please, please, let me be editor!

Austen is already showing the charm, tact, and diplomacy for which he is notorious, in his reaction to the Dame's departure.

Ivereigh tweet

How to win friends and influence people, by Austin Powers.

The latest revelations of Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò have also proved too hot for the Herald to handle. They're a bit sordid for a spiritually nourishing blog such as this one, but we are happy to vindicate Pope Francis against claims that he runs a gang of pickpockets in Rome, robbing the tourists; likewise, it is unlikely that he personally set fire to Notre Dame; finally, he is totally innocent of charges that he goes out at night and kicks kittens. But all the rest is probably true, including the heresy.


Cardinal Fatty Shame.

Finally, we celebrate the removal of Cardinal Fatty Shame of New York from Joe's "All you can eat" diner (after a prolonged lawsuit, in which the cardinal argued that he still wasn't ready to go). The cardinal has been removed to St Patrick's Cathedral, in order that he may be prepared for his new role as Blessed Grandmaster of New York Pride. Well done, there!


  1. Oh, well done Grandmaster!

    Your Grace, may I congratulate you! What a promotion it must be for you to rise, star-like, to the editorial splendours of the resuscitated, now glossy, assuredly to be soon the premier UK Catholic journal, "The Roman Missile".

    The younger readers of this blog won’t remember the Roman Missile. However, you older chaps and chapesses may recall that the "Missile" was an ironic but pious Catholic journal somewhat akin in conceptual style, but not content, to the Gallic Charlie-Hebdo, much appreciated by the modernist French hierarchy in more recent times.

    Was it really over fifty years ago, that flowering springtime of a gazillion converts from heresy to the Church per annum —— just before the erroneous “spirit” of VatiCon Two and the degraded liturgy stopped all that nonsense!?

    As a young shaver in the 'sixties I sometimes went to Confession in the central Reading church of St James of Compostella (-Next-the Prison). I recall waiting outside the confessional, but instead of preparing myself piously for some serious shrivenning, I leafed through the Missile’s scurrilous pages, my pleasurable snickers necessarily stifled for fear of the fearsome Canon. Happy days!

    Just a few thoughts, irrelevancies, no doubt.

  2. Bravo Fra Damian. You follow a great Grand Master into retirement!!