An exclusive interview with Cardinal Roche

A slightly edited version of the Catholic Herald piece.

"Three plates of tiramisu will be enough, thanks. After all, it is Lent!"

Cardinal Roche is one of four English cardinals currently serving, and has just turned 75. Following the elevation of Timothy Radcliffe, his title of England's Worst Cardinal is now in danger.

CH: Your Eminence...

AR: Just call me "Holy Father" - after all, you'll be doing that in a few weeks, anyway!

CH: Holy Father, then. This year marks the golden jubilee of your ordination. Could you tell us about some of the wonderful things you've done over the last 50 years?

AR: Well, we 'ad it tough in Yorkshire, you know. No plates of tiramisu then - it were black puddings and chip butties for dinner, if we were lucky. If not, it were lumps of coal and wood shavings. But even when I were a few months old, I knew that I were going to end up as pope.

A young Arthur Roche discerns his vocation.

CH: So you gave up ice skating (© Damian Thompson) and became a priest?

AR: Yes, I were sent to the English College at Valladolid. I had no idea where it were, I thought it were somewhere near Barnsley, but it turned out to be in Spain, where they talk funny. Anyway, after I had learned everything there is to learn about being holy, I ended up in Leeds, where they put me in charge of organizing Pope John-Paul II's visit to York. Telling the pope and cardinals what they must do - well that were good practice for later life.

CH: And you ended up as Bishop of Leeds?

"Yes, my policy of closing down churches were very popular."

CH: And then Benedict XVI asked you to become secretary of the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments in Rome - and when Cardinal Sarah turned 75 you got his job?

"Aye, I were always very loyal to Cardinal Sarah."

CH: What advice would you give to those who want to remain faithful members of the Church and love the Latin Mass but find themselves restricted in attending?

AR: There is nothing wrong with attending the Mass celebrated with the 1962 missal.

CH interviewer falls on the floor in astonishment. Bravely carries on...

CH: But you have been trying to suppress it! (Note: the CH didn't actually point this out.)

AR: Ah, but that was before the Pope were taken ill. Of course we all want him to get better - after all I led the Rosary prayers in St Peter's Square on March 4th, and people said that my Italian was the best by a Yorkshireman since Geoffrey Boycott led a Rosary for England during the Headingley Test Match.

Eee, this Rosary's all a mystery to me, lads!

But the St Wilfrid Mafia told me that if I wanted to guarantee becoming the next pope I needed to change tack quickly. Otherwise we might end up with Parolin, Tagle, or some other unspeakable person (er, could you delete these remarks from the final transcript? Thanks!)

CH: Anyway, you have always liked the Latin Mass?

AR: Well, if they only knew that most days I order my tiramisu in Latin because it is the common language for all of us here! Which reminds me, perhaps another plate would be good after all - I'm feeling a little peckish now!

Anyway, I promise you, the TLM is safe with me! Except where it isn't, of course.

The CathEccles Herald - an apology

From Chris Altar-stripper, Editor of the CathEccles Herald.

With this witty and very moving piece about St Mary "the nympho" of Egypt, the highly esteemed writer Destiny's Child-Glenda de la Slagg brings to the end her series of hit jobs on Catholic saints. (A follow-up piece on St Mary of Nazareth has been withdrawn as it might have appeared insensitive and inappropriate, although I personally thought it was brilliantly satirical.)

"See, in true clickbait fashion, you absolutely WOULD believe what happened next. Gotcha suckers. Womp womp," as Destiny puts it in her unique literary style.

There have been one or two million complaints about the last piece from the readership of the Herald (now down to 36), and it is true that Mrs Child-Glenda de la Slagg scribbled it down at the end of a lively but not riotous party, shortly before throwing a chair at the editor. Has anyone got a problem with that?

Destiny tells me that she will continue to write her articles on toilet walls, with the hope that eventually they will be gathered into a big book with the provisional title Saints!!?? Arentchasickofem??!! We feel that they have done lasting good to many souls - there were people who still accepted the Catholic attitude towards saints, and as a leading secular writer - she has a regular column in the Wounded Moose Morning News (circulation 12), as well as being a much sought-after speaker on the 4 a.m. Radio Wounded Moose Will nothing send you to sleep? show - she knows how to offend Catholics!

Our writer's mother was a great fan of Destiny's Child.

Not everyone who read Mrs Child-Glenda de la Slagg's pieces enjoyed them. A few humourless people and institutions, such as Pope Francis, the CDF, Cardinal Nichols, the Catholic Bishops of England and Wales, the USCCB - even Fr James Martin, Massimo Faggioli and the entire German church! - are still refusing to roll on the floor laughing at her devastating wit.

Still, the piece did reach many people and institutions who would otherwise have missed out on her offbeat way of writing about Christianity. "I haven't laughed so much since Pope John-Paul II died" (R. Dawkins of Oxford). "God will never recover from this one!" (The National Secular Society). "Whoop! Bottoms bottoms bottoms and what a super piece that was!" (S. Fry of every TV and Radio programme). With fans like this, who needs Catholic supporters?

So, you miserable "Catholics" who read the CathEccles Herald looking for spiritual nourishment, why don't you just get knotted?

Chris Altar-stripper, Editor of the CathEccles Herald, incorporating PlayCatholic and Sexy Saints.

P.S. We have been looking for a talentless nobody to take over the "soft porn" column, and we have found just the chap! A big welcome to Mr Eccles!

On Destiny's advice we'll soon be serialising this book about Catholics stripping!

A man for all Zuhlsdorfs

A new production of A man for all seasons, describing the martrydom of St John Z, has been announced. Obviously the script is too long for this blog, but we can at least give an idea of the plot, together with some of the dialogue. Of course some details are exaggerated slightly for dramatic purposes...

The main dispute is between Bishop Hying VIII, who wishes to convert the Catholic Church into a branch of the Demonic Democratic party, and St John Z, a priest and author (his famous blog Ztopia tells of an ideal world where people drink lots of Mystic Monk coffee, take photos of aeroplane seats, carry guns, and speak almost entirely in Latin).

The trial of Father Z.

The accusations against Fr Z start when he conducts exorcisms against the Flu Manchu virus and Demonic Influence in politics. He refuses to sign a document renouncing his Catholic faith and selling out to the Zeitgeist. His enemies swoop, and the bishop (whose spine has been removed) feels he must act to avoid damning criticism in Amerika, the Fishwrap, and the Bitter Pill.

Some men think the Earth is round, others think it flat; it is a matter capable of question. But if it is flat, will the Bishop's command make it round? And if it is round, will the Bishop's command flatten it?

From the days before the Catholic Herald became a lifestyle magazine.

Recalling that Hying is prepared to sacrifice his principles for a quiet life as bishop of Madison, Wisconsin, Fr Z lashes out at him with the words:

"For Wisconsin? Why Donald, it profit a man nothing to give his soul for the whole world... but for Wisconsin!"

In the end things turn out badly for Fr Z. His "other" bishop, the man from Velletri-Segni, is envious of the blog Ztopia, and so "by mutual agreement with the bishops", Fr Z agrees to have his head cut off, to be drawn and quartered, and buried in copies of the Fishwrap (the ultimate insult).

A fate worse than death.

This country's planted thick with laws from coast to coast – Man's laws, not God's—and if you cut them down – and you're just the man to do it – d'you really think you could stand upright in the winds that would blow then? Yes, I’d give the Devil benefit of law, for my own safety’s sake.

Hark! The Herald's writers sing

A little Christmas carol to commemorate the Catholic Herald's cutting its ties with Mary Kenny, Fr John Zuhlsdorf and Fr Dominic Allain, to complete its transformation into a less intellectual version of HELLO.

Editor Dan Hitchens can only gasp in amazement, since from now on its owner, William Cash, is expected to publish more articles of the I'm not a Catholic but hey! aren't chasubles cool? variety, together with the probing analysis of Cash's Auntie Doris's postman, Not many people know who that dame with the baby is on the Christmas stamps, and Cash's old mate Major "Blotto" Smythe-Farquharson-Vodka's contribution I've always been scared of gargoyles since one fell on my head.

The important thing is Cash.

Hark! The Herald's writers sing,
"William Cash, where is thy sting?"
Catholics all sent away:
Father Z and Mary K.
Torkington and Allain too
Now have met their Waterloo.
Holy Smoke and Coppen fled,
Hitchens just a figurehead.

Hark! The Herald's writers sing,
"William Cash, where is thy sting?"

Sunday to become a monthly event

Following the news that the Catholic Herald is to become a monthly magazine rather than a weekly, the Catholic Church has announced that, from now on, Sunday will become a monthly event, rather than weekly.

Explained a Vatican spokesman, "We have also retranslated Exodus 20 (as we did for the Lord's Prayer), and the new version reads 29 or 30 days shalt thou sit at home sulking, or 27 or 28 if the month happeneth to be February, but the remaining day is the Sabbath of the Lord thy God. Now that people are locked down by the Coronavirus, it seemed insensitive to suggest that they were working. We have also removed the bit about manservants and maidservants, as only bishops have them these days."

"Hey guys, Mary Kenny is in the very first issue of the Catholic Herald!"

The reason for the Catholic Herald's switch to a monthly publication is not clear, except that it enables them to inflict less Ronald Rolheiser on readers who had really been asking for spiritual nourishment. Unfortunately, it also means a cut in words of wisdom from Fr Dominic Allain and Fr John Zuhlsdorf.

When the Coronavirus is simply a happy memory, the Catholic Church will continue to restrict itself to one Sunday a month. This is a change in the liturgical calendar that Annibale Bugsbunni and the other Vatican II pioneers could only dream of.

"We've won!"

The Sundays will be:

January 1st (Christmas);
February 1st (Candlemas);
March 1st (Ash Sunday) - Lent will be cut to 31 days (hoorah!);
April 1st (Easter);
May 1st (Tricost, formerly Pentecost);
June 1st (Ordinary Time);
July 1st (Very Ordinary Time);
August 1st (Summer Time and the Living is Easy);
September 1st (How much more of this is there Time);
October 1st (Phew, that's nearly over Time);
November 1st (All the unimportant Saints);
December 1st (Advent).

All liturgical colours will be changing too. Here is some inspiration.

The Vatican Congregation for the Rewriting of the Scriptures is currently working on a new translation of Genesis, which will prove that God took 30 days to create Heaven and Earth, not simply six. When challenged, Fr James Martin replied, "Well, YOU do it in six if you're so clever!"

Catholic Herald to merge with Hello!

Following the departure of the Catholic Herald's UK editor, Luke Coppen, to pastures new, and the collapse of the magazine's US edition - allegedly because the editorial board wanted the magazine to be cosy and uncontroversial, while the staff wanted to smite the unsaved - it has been announced that the CH will be merging with Hello!

In the first issue of the new soaraway Catholic Hello! we shall see:

* Top Catholic Ted McCarrick shows us round his delightful beach house.

* Vatican expert Cardinal Coccopalmerio advises us on the best way to get "high".

* Cardinal Kasper tells us of six new heresies that he thought of before breakfast.

Pope Francis advises us on protective masks against the Corona virus.

* Father James Martin SJ demonstrates some of the main postures used in Ignatian Yoga, and invites us to a Catholic LGBT retreat in San Francisco.

* Top dictator Xi Jinping explains how Chinese Catholics can be "good citizens" (© Pope Francis), and shows us round the charming labour camps where the less good citizens are being made comfortable.

"I was only a 7-stone weaking until I discovered Catholicism."

* England's worst bishop, John Arnold, asks "Is Greta Thunberg the new St Bernadette?"

* Celebrity biographer Austen Ivereigh guides us round his extensive collection of Pachamama idols.

* Finally, we ask, how will top Catholic sex symbols Joe Biden and Massimo Faggioli be celebrating Amoris Laetitia week (formerly called Holy Week)?

What are you giving up for Lent?

As seen in the Catholic Herald.

We asked some friends of this blog to tell us what they were giving up for Lent this year.

Prof. Massimo Faggioli.

When you live entirely on ice-cream, as I do, there is no food that you can reasonably give up. Likewise, my every waking moment is spent in explaining theology to less intelligent mortals by means of insights so profound that even I don't understand them; so it would be dangerous to make any changes, since civilisation would collapse without my brilliant epigrams.

Pope Francis.

Being the humblest pope who ever lived, I have no luxuries in life that I can give up. Likewise, I have no vices worth speaking of, Eccles. How dare you ask such an impertinent question! SLAP!

Cardinal Dolan.

It is important to show self-discipline during Lent, and so I am giving up health food - salads, spinach, fruit, etc. - and sticking to a diet of giant steaks, suet, and sticky toffee pudding. It will be hard for me, but I know that this penitential regime will do me good.

Prof. Tina Beattie.

What a sexist question! By asking me that, you're implying that women are inferior to men, aren't you? Just you wait until I get ordained and you want ashes on your forehead... they'll be so hot that you'll end up with scar tissue, you pig!

Fr James Martin SJ.

I shall give up reading the Bible in Lent - I disagree with most of it, anyway. Still, I shall miss the absorbing tale of how it took a humble carpenter's son 30 years before He was able to do miracles successfully, and even then everyone misunderstood His teachings until I came along.

Dr Austen Ivereigh.

People have asked me to give up my worship of Pachamama, my idolatory of Pope Francis, and my "brain-rotting" writing. But I thank God that I am unlike other men, and have no vices worth speaking of.

Emeritus Pope Benedict XVI.

I am giving up tea for Lent, and indeed I am handing over my stock of Yorkshire tea to this new chap. I much prefer beer, anyway.

Prof. Richard Dawkins.

Well of course we have all outgrown the idea of Lent, as something that only religious extremists celebrate. So when I mention that, following an outcry, I have decided not to eat any human flesh from now on, this is not to be interpreted as a foolish religious fetish, but merely the wise decision of a venerable professor who is fed up with having bricks thrown through his window.

Fr Antonio Spadaro.

If 2+2 can equal 5, then the 40 days of Lent can equal 32. Thus, for the first week it isn't Lent at all, so why bother?

The CNA and Catholic Herald do a hatchet job on me

I, Professor Massimo Ecclesioli, am a very distinguished professor at the University of Astonvilla, and an expert on history, theology, theological history, historical theology, gelato, theological gelato, and gelatinous history, and of course a pious Catholic who prays to the Spirit of Vatican II every night.

Now, it is true that I wrote a piece in which I claimed that St Peter, St Paul, St Augustine, and St Thomas Aquinas were "devout schismatics," diminishing the authority of Pope Francis by constantly disagreeing with him. They are all siding with Archbishop Viganò, as are Cardinal Burke, Pope Benedict XVI, Archbishop Chaput, Cardinal Sarah, and Jesus Christ, Himself. They seem to believe that Viganò is basically an honest man: whereas, I, Professor Doctor Austen Ivereigh, Cardinal Cupich, Fr Thomas Rosica, and Cardinal Mr McCarrick all say he is a fiend incarnate.

Prof. "Cakes" Ecclesioli (L).

Anyway, the Catholic News Agency (CNA) did a hit piece on me, telling people what I had written. They didn't even consult me, they just went ahead and published an account of my words. And they claimed that I could not be reached for comment, on the spurious grounds that when they tried to reach me, they failed. These scurrilous allegations were taken up by the Catholic Herald too.

The explanation is simple. After travelling home from Europe, I indulged in a light meal of gelato - banana, raspberry, bacon, onion, lychee, spinach, vanilla, gin, chop suey, mustard, blackcurrant, aspirin, and octopus flavoured ice-cream. (As an aside, when the Amazon Synod leads to the consumption of gelato flavoured with leaves, faggioli beans, piranha fish, and curare, I shall be first in the queue!) Anyway, as a result of my simple meal, I felt rather unwell and slumped under the table. If the CNA had looked there, they could have found me.

I should finish by pointing out that I am the Professor of Catholic Gelato at the University of Villageidiot, and therefore much cleverer than anyone else I have ever met. I rest my case.

Damian Thompson quits the Catholic Herald

Following a take-over of the Sovereign Order of the Catholic Herald, its Grandmaster-in-chief, Fra' Damian Thompson, has quit his position because of "a difference of opinion". Commentators have been asking whether the "blood-crazed ferret" has been biting the bishops of England and Wales too hard, in view of his criticism of their lordships' response to the decision of hanging judge Mrs Justice "Blood! Cut! Sever! Aagh!" Lieven to force a woman to abort her baby (a decision now overturned).

Pope Francis and Grandmaster Damian, in happier times.

Fra' Thompson's "In some ways, possibly, well, one might argue, without making too much of this, that the bishops' response to the court decision was less than it might have been had it been more than it was" was itself a watered-down version of what he originally wrote, namely, "Ye brood of vipers, who hath shewed you to flee from the wrath to come?"

We have not yet determined who the new owners of the Catholic Herald are, although George Soros, who recently added the Vatican to his portfolio, is the most likely candidate.

Two photos of George Soros, the new owner of the Herald.

So who will be the next Grandmaster-in-chief of the Sovereign Order of the Catholic Herald? The owners will clearly want to go for a "Catholic Lite" journalist, such as Austen Ivereigh, Robin Mickens, or Christopher Lamb. (Fr Thomas Rosica is tipped to take over the U.S. edition, although other sources say that he is retiring to a medieval monastery to work as a copyist.)

I'm Austen. Please, please, please, let me be editor!

Austen is already showing the charm, tact, and diplomacy for which he is notorious, in his reaction to the Dame's departure.

How to win friends and influence people, by Austin Powers.

The latest revelations of Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò have also proved too hot for the Herald to handle. They're a bit sordid for a spiritually nourishing blog such as this one, but we are happy to vindicate Pope Francis against claims that he runs a gang of pickpockets in Rome, robbing the tourists; likewise, it is unlikely that he personally set fire to Notre Dame; finally, he is totally innocent of charges that he goes out at night and kicks kittens. But all the rest is probably true, including the heresy.

Cardinal Fatty Shame.

Finally, we celebrate the removal of Cardinal Fatty Shame of New York from Joe's "All you can eat" diner (after a prolonged lawsuit, in which the cardinal argued that he still wasn't ready to go). The cardinal has been removed to St Patrick's Cathedral, in order that he may be prepared for his new role as Blessed Grandmaster of New York Pride. Well done, there!

Ernst Stavro Blofeld SJ - hero or villain?

A Damian Thompson special. Already Austen Ivereigh and Robert Mickens are rushing to Blofeld's defence, so it must be good.

Ernst Stavro Blofeld SJ is a priest living in New York, who has cornered the market in heresy and world domination. As editor-at-large of the SPECTRE magazine, he is the most famous Jesuit in the United States; probably the most popular, too. And also the most disliked. Hated, even.

Fr Blofeld, author of The Jesuit Guide to World Domination.

What is there to dislike about this scrupulously polite Jesuit? Compared with the activist Fr Goldfinger ("You expect me to talk? No, Cardinal Bond, I expect you to die.") he is not particularly liberal. Yet, in middle age Fr Blofeld has moved to the left, and embraces the fashionable consensus on almost every issue that alienates conservative Catholics.

Although he does not have a good head of hair, I know that Fr Blofeld is fond of custard and the music of Gladys Mills, so... I'm sorry, I thought I was still writing for the Telegraph. This is the Catholic Herald, isn't it? Start again.

"You only live twice" - a typical heretical teaching from Fr Blofeld.

Blofeld's sex life (I thought that would get you reading again) is a mystery to all. When he joined the Jesuits he was asked whether he was a virgin and said no. However, he has not been known to sleep with members of either sex, although he has expressed himself anxious to build bridges with the LGBT community (this is an obscure Jesuit expression, and nobody would explain to us what it means).

The truth is that Fr Blofeld is, like many of us, a victim of the culture wars. His obsession with world domination has caused him to ally with the destructive side in every Catholic debate, alienating himself from Catholics who honestly disagree with his political opinions. This is not the true nature of Ignatian spirituality, which rarely concerns itself with firing nuclear missiles, destroying satellites, or holding the world to ransom.

"The name's Martin. James Martin." (You're getting confused, Damian.)

If the engaging Fr Blofeld really cannot see the problem, then perhaps he should be learning, rather than teaching, fearless methods of self-examination.

Meet the Buzzfeed hack firing bitter pills at Father Z

Until I came across this piece, a hatchet job on "blogger priest" Father Z, I wasn't really aware that Buzzfeed did semi-serious journalism.

In fact, it usually turns up on Twitter via its moronic quizzes. Which Famous Serial Killer Are You? Which Heretical Jesuit Are You? Which Fatal Illness Are You?

Excuse my French! Apparently someone is paid to produce this garbage.

Still, we stumbled across something, and it turned out to be the immortal prose of one Joseph Bernstein. In the eyes of little Joseph, anyone who is not a committed Democrat is probably alt-right. Three of the sad little figureheads of Catholic Liberalism (or do I mean Liberal Catholicism?) are wheeled out: alt-Jesuit Jimmy Martin (catchphrase, "it's HATE"), odd-bod theologian Massimo Faggioli, and "Catholic Whiners" founder Austen Ivereigh. They all get a chance to put the boot in.

Well, I don't always agree with Father Z: indeed I have blogged about his fondness for guns (but he's American, and they still need them in Wisconsin for predatory redcoats, Injuns, buffaloes, drug-dealers, Democrats, Jesuits, etc., so I guess he has an excuse). There's also his excessive use of red ink, and, worst of all, the fact that I'm not allowed to comment on his blog, whereas so many less-saved people can do so. Oh, and he plugs "Mystic Monk" coffee, when my own "Numinous Nun" brand is far better.

An oldie, but a goodie. Fr Z takes the cure.

Well I looked up Joseph Bernstein, and his track record for boring articles is pretty good. Some time I must find out who Chelsea Manning is (all I know is that he was originally called Aston Villa Manning), and try and get excited about a museum that wants all its donors to believe in climate change...zzz...zzz...

Sorry, where was I? Oh yes, the bitter pills fired at Father Z. Well, as Father DL notes (more-or-less), Mr Weinstein doesn't realise that Catholicism is more about tradition/modernism and orthodoxy/heterodoxy than straightforward right/left politics. Although you nay suspect that Benedict XVI votes for the Partito Italiano Conservativo, while Francis leans towards the Marxisto-Leninisto Socialisto Partito.

"Sigh! I guess our prayers are cancelling each other out as well."

Anyway, I need to change my name from Eccles to something extravagantly long, so that I can then be referred to affectionately as "Frater E". Something like Ecclesiasticolongendorf should do the trick. Then I too can be noticed by... drat, I've forgotten his name already. That Buzz Lightyear person.

Do atheists make the best Christians?

On this blog we have long been admirers of Cardinal Blase Cupich, as he exemplifies one important principle:

You don't need to have intelligence, faith or theological insight to rise to the position of Prince of the Church (and possibly even Pope - wouldn't that be fun?)

So we were impressed by his recent statement that some of the best Christians are atheists:

As is usual in Vatican circles these days, rejecting Christ's teaching is the way to advancement. Clearly we should bin Matthew 33:37-38.

Jesus said to him: Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with thy whole heart, and with thy whole soul, and with thy whole mind. This is the greatest and the first commandment.

However, in Cupichianity, Love means never having to say "I believe you exist"; so we can skip this commandment (greatest and first? Ha!) and go straight onto the second about loving your neighbour - perhaps calling him a "witless worm", or a "neurotic", or even a "self-absorbed Promethean neo-Pelagian", depending on your personal taste.

"I can see lots of great Christians with my new glasses!"

Anyway, it's a great relief to us all that you can go straight to Heaven - which doesn't exist of course - by being "good" and "conducting yourself well". Perhaps by working for three hours a week for charity? Choose a modern charity such the British Pregnancy Advisory Service - or Planned Parenthood if you are in the States.

---

In other news, Professor Massimo Faggioli has written a fascinating article for the Catholic Herald explaining that he identifies as an ice-cream salesman.

Accordingly, we are pleased to show you an exclusive photo of Professor Faggioli selling some theology to Cardinal Marx.

"Now to understand Amoris Laetitia you need the code book, the breeder's guide, and some Vatican II documents..."

How the Grech stole Christ

Dr Seuss's book How the Grech stole Christ is a children's story that tells of a funny creature called "Bishop" Grech who attemps to put an end to Christianity in Malta by issuing threats against his most orthodox priests.

The cover of the book.

You may remember that the book starts with the following lyrics:

The faithful in Malta liked Christ quite a lot,
But the Grech, based in Gozo, no he really did NOT!
The Grech hated Christ, and he hated His teaching!
But please don't ask me to explain Grech's preaching.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
Maybe it was swollen, and his mitre was tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his conscience was two sizes too small.

I'll suspend all my priests! See if I don't!

Anyway, the Grech starts removing all traces of Christian teaching from Malta, in cahoots with another funny creature called "Archbishop" Sick Loony.

Actually, this story is a bit racy for kids, for, as explained by the brilliant Madeleine Teahan, There are some things which are impossible to avoid: death, taxation, PPI phone calls, and – according to Malta's bishops – sex. Let's not go there...

P.S. This story has a happy ending, as in the end the Grech so impresses the pope that he is made a cardinal, and... hang on, that can't be right, can it?

George Soros admits responsibility for Vatican II

Zillionaire George Soros has finally admitted something that was long suspected by Catholics, namely that he was entirely responsible for Vatican II and its consequences. This confession is seen as the most devastating in a week in which (a) Soros was revealed to be funding Irish groups campaigning for abortion, and (b) he was discovered to have paid $650K to influence American bishops during the Pope's visit last year. (As for (b), we may exclude bishops such as Dolan and Cupich, who are already capable of causing mayhem without any financial incentive.)

The "man of Soros" predicted by Isaiah.

By using his considerable influence, Soros managed to bring in many innovations that were previously blamed on the Spirit of Vatican II. Destruction of the old liturgy, the hermeneutic of rupture, an increased tolerance for abortion, divorce, euthanasia, and same-sex relationships, and a push for women priests... these were not actually agreed by Vatican II but somehow Soros's money managed to convince people that they were.

It is also believed that Soros was behind the election of Pope Francis, and that Amoris Laetitia - which even the pope has never read properly - started life as a romantic novel by a "nun on the bus", backed by that financial wizard who made £1bn out of the UK's problems on "Black Wednesday".

Fr James Martin SJ interviews a "nun on the bus" in the employment of Soros.

So what will Uncle George do next? Will he himself run for the position of pope next time? Or will he simply remain a humble cardinal, an Eminence Grise behind the scenes?

There is a rumour that he will try to buy the Catholic Herald and make it look more like the Tablet. With Cristina Odone, Mary Kenny and Ronald Hellraiser already writing for it, he will not have far to go.

Fr Ronald Hellraiser in discussion with George Soros.

Catholic Herald bans comments

To the shock and dismay of the entire Catholic blogosphere, Luke Coppen, editor of the Catholic Herald, has announced that the online CH will no longer accept comments. The explanation offered was that moderating the feedback was too time-consuming; however, it is believed that the real reason was that the CH fileservers were unable to cope with the weight of comments from one particular contributor who must remain nameless.

The CH spent so much time muddlerating comments that nobody wound the clocks.

As a compromise, Mr Coppen has promised that the print edition of the CH will, from now on, include a blank page on which readers can write their own comments. Subscribers will also be given a green biro for this purpose. A request from Paul Priest, Archbishop of Corby, that a dozen blank sheets be provided, has been turned down.

The main person affected by the CH's draconian decision.

Paul Priest writes:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! OH GOOD GRIEF! WEEBLE WEEBLE!!!! I'M A TEAPOT!!!! You poor fools, you're shutting down the only medium by which orthodox Catholics (and I am the only one left) can express their opinions. How else are we supposed to tell the bishops of England and Wales, the cardinals, the pope, and even some of the saints that they are out of touch? First, Catholic Voices didn't want me - and I could have given some splendid 5-hour soundbites on radio and television. Then you refused to publish my series of articles Apologia pro vitis omnium ceterorum (Apology for everyone else's lives), subtitled "You is not orthodox, only I is orthodox."

The only person who ever listened to me is Damian Thompson - God, how I love that man! No, I don't have a crush on him, but it's no secret that it was due to my efforts that Damian won the Catholic Lovely Legs Contest last year, narrowly beating Professor Tina Beattie.

Tina - lost out to Damian on the "swimsuit" round.

Well, we know who is to blame. Phil, the ex-Telegraph troll with his army of implausible sockpuppets (this is true, E.) and also mad Eccles and his friends. Oh Eccles you think you're so wonderful because you have friends and I don't.

Well, the Catholic Herald is doomed now. I went round six Asda stores yesterday and not one of them had a CH on sale. In contrast, I asked the assistants "Do you have any Tablets?" and they all replied, "Yes, try the pharmacy section." I rest my case. What is clear is that Catholic Herald journalism is going to die out. For example, I know already that Fr Lucie-Smith is planning to give up writing - he only posts his 500 words in the expectation of receiving a 20,000 word response from me, politely correcting his errors and telling him what a nincompoop he is.

Even in Corby Cathedral, orthodox worship has almost disappeared.

Worse than that, the Catholic Church in England and Wales is doomed: there is a systemic catholic dispossession and disenfranchisement, to the extent that outside the major cities catholicism will cease to be, within the next generation - and what are you doing to help? Stopping me from putting forward the orthodox viewpoint, which nobody else is prepared to defend, not even Damian Thompson (see, Eccles, that proves I am not in Damian's pocket!)

Meanwhile His Holiness thinks some sort of balance needs to be redressed... putting the trads back in their box, accusing them of being pelagian, jansenist, ultramontane, anti-conciliar and anti-conciliarity, donatist, pharisaically legalistic, sexually prurient, uncharitably insensitive, coldly insular and alienating... and allowing the more liberally 'pastorally aware' to be given some fresh air and some lebensraum to inspire them to rebuild the Church and bring the lost home... with verbal support in every soundbite and media opportunity... I blame Austen Ivereigh and...

Afraid we'll have to cut you off there, Paul. Sorry!

Now, which sockpuppet shall we use today?