Damian Thompson quits the Catholic Herald

Following a take-over of the Sovereign Order of the Catholic Herald, its Grandmaster-in-chief, Fra' Damian Thompson, has quit his position because of "a difference of opinion". Commentators have been asking whether the "blood-crazed ferret" has been biting the bishops of England and Wales too hard, in view of his criticism of their lordships' response to the decision of hanging judge Mrs Justice "Blood! Cut! Sever! Aagh!" Lieven to force a woman to abort her baby (a decision now overturned).

Pope Francis and Grandmaster Damian, in happier times.

Fra' Thompson's "In some ways, possibly, well, one might argue, without making too much of this, that the bishops' response to the court decision was less than it might have been had it been more than it was" was itself a watered-down version of what he originally wrote, namely, "Ye brood of vipers, who hath shewed you to flee from the wrath to come?"

We have not yet determined who the new owners of the Catholic Herald are, although George Soros, who recently added the Vatican to his portfolio, is the most likely candidate.

Two photos of George Soros, the new owner of the Herald.

So who will be the next Grandmaster-in-chief of the Sovereign Order of the Catholic Herald? The owners will clearly want to go for a "Catholic Lite" journalist, such as Austen Ivereigh, Robin Mickens, or Christopher Lamb. (Fr Thomas Rosica is tipped to take over the U.S. edition, although other sources say that he is retiring to a medieval monastery to work as a copyist.)

I'm Austen. Please, please, please, let me be editor!

Austen is already showing the charm, tact, and diplomacy for which he is notorious, in his reaction to the Dame's departure.

How to win friends and influence people, by Austin Powers.

The latest revelations of Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò have also proved too hot for the Herald to handle. They're a bit sordid for a spiritually nourishing blog such as this one, but we are happy to vindicate Pope Francis against claims that he runs a gang of pickpockets in Rome, robbing the tourists; likewise, it is unlikely that he personally set fire to Notre Dame; finally, he is totally innocent of charges that he goes out at night and kicks kittens. But all the rest is probably true, including the heresy.

Cardinal Fatty Shame.

Finally, we celebrate the removal of Cardinal Fatty Shame of New York from Joe's "All you can eat" diner (after a prolonged lawsuit, in which the cardinal argued that he still wasn't ready to go). The cardinal has been removed to St Patrick's Cathedral, in order that he may be prepared for his new role as Blessed Grandmaster of New York Pride. Well done, there!

The bishops get tough on forced abortion

Yes! Our England and Wales bishops have at last shown that they are prepared to take a moral lead! Faced with the case of an NHS trust which wishes to force an abortion on an adult Catholic woman with moderate learning difficulties (say, one step down from Diane Abbott), they did not hesitate to condemn the brutal decision by Mrs Justice (ha ha) Lieven in the strongest possible terms.

Well, they hesitated for three days. But I suppose yesterday was Sunday, and some of the bishops may have been attending church.

"On the one hand..." "On the other hand..." "There are two sides to every question." "Remind me, are we for or against massacres?" "We mustn't offend anyone, must we?" "When do we get the doughnuts?"

But finally, there came the statement we had all been waiting for:

By and large, all things considered, we think that forcing women to kill their kids may not always be the best solution. But we don't want to make an issue of it. Still, we think you ought to know that some of us are slightly disgruntled by the whole affair.

That's telling them!

Apparently a few phrases were deleted from the original statement, because the bishops could not agree on them. These included:

Brood of vipers. Blood-crazed doctors. Murder. Bunch of psychos. Jackals. They're booked for the Lake of Fire - trust us, we know about these things.

But, on the whole, we think that the bishops' statement (which will be totally ignored, anyway) has really shown those fiends where they get off. Well done, my Lords!