Conversion of St Donald not universally popular

Syria, 35 AD.

Many Christians have welcomed the recent conversion of Donald of Tarsus, who recently "saw the light" on the Damascus March for Life. Not previously seen as a major religious figure, Donald is now expected to be a play a significant part in the development of the Church.

"I heard a mighty beating drum, and knew that it was evil."

We asked St Donald whether he would be expressing his teachings in a selection of epistles, which might later be collected for publication. Apparently, he tends to communicate in shorter theological documents called "tweets", and the plan is to number them and arrange them as verses. The first collection will be called the First Epistle to the Democratians.

Donald's previous life has of course not been irreproachable. There was a stoning incident, known as STEPHENGATE, in which he is said to have been involved - so much so that he was even impeached for this. Still, there is more joy in Heaven over one sinner that repenteth than in 99 Tablet readers who need no repentance, as someone once said.

A very senior churchman, St Philip, has welcomed Donald's participation in the March for Life, and this seems to be the officially correct attitude to take. However, Tina Beata, the Holy Land's expert on Human Flourishing, disagrees.

Oops! St Donald (also known as The President) made the mistake of not being female.

Justin Welby explains buffer zones

"Hi! I'm Justin, Archbishop of Canterbury, and the rightful heir of St Peter (we try not to mention Henry VIII). I've been asked my opinion about buffer zones!

Well, at first I misunderstood. I thought they were referring to zones where old buffers like me could sit and relax, untroubled by my neighbours praying! In the Anglican Church we call them cathedrals, and they usually have a crazy golf course or helter-skelter to help bring in the customers!

But, no, it actually refers to buffer zones round abortion clinics. My dear friend Juq the Ruppa (memo: check name) is a great fan of these, especially in Ealing, and she certainly doesn't want to see people praying!"

"You could say they're doing the wrong thing, you could say they’re doing the right thing, you can say it's their right, you can say that the baby has rights ... uh..."

What Welby really said, script written by his assistant Rev. Enid Waffle.

Political leaders welcomed Welby's views. "You wouldn't think he was one of those God-botherers, would you?" said a prominent Labour MP, K. Herod. His own party has decided to decriminalise all abortions, and is now looking seriously at allowing the possibility of killing all children up to the age of 6, after which they will of course have the vote.

"No, he's very enlightened," agreed E. Nero, a Liberal Democrat MP. "Welby's the sort of sound man that would be welcome in our party, unlike those Christians we chucked out." His party is looking into the possibility of making pregnancy illegal, and - being liberal - only killing children up to the age of 4.

These views of Archbishop Welby may lead to an ecumenical crisis, as Catholics (even Vincent Nichols) are unlikely to participate in ceremonies to bless abortion clinics. However, when did you last hear a Catholic priest - far less, a bishop - denounce abortion from the pulpit? As St Stephen put it: "Hey, guys, I was only joking when I said I believed in Christ. Put those stones down!"

Francis: We've dropped the adultery and idolatry commandments. That's as far as we can go now.
Welby: Hold my beer!

A non-hierarchical Catholic Church

Jerusalem, A.D. 31

As a result of a stiff letter from the Judaean Popular Front for Church Reform demanding an abolishment of the Catholic hierarchy and the ordination of women and homosexual priests, Pope Peter has stunned the Catholic world by agreeing to all the demands made.

... and someone else can look after these keys: I'm always losing them.

Said the Less-holy-than-before Father, "In fact the demands of the JPFCR seemed to be entirely reasonable. I'm happy to step down as Pope and just return to being a humble fisherman who dabbles in religion occasionally. I've sacked the other 11 disciples, who frankly can get a bit irritating sometimes, especially Doubting Thomas: the man is a bit of a loose cannon, always giving embarrassing interviews. So from now on it's every man (and of course woman, and anyone who is not sure) for himself or herself. Well, at least it gets me out of a probable martyrdom."

Do-it-yourself Holy Scripture. Throw these tiles into the air and see what teaching is revealed.

The Judaean Popular Front for Church Reform is a major dissident Catholic group, incorporating, amongst others, A Call to Actions of the Apostles, Call for Women Apostles, Call to Disobedience, Call Me A Cab, and Call Me Dave (the campaign for homosexual "marriage"). It is now somewhat nonplussed, as all its demands have been met in full and the Catholic Church has imploded.

Said Robert Blair Caesarea, one of the leaders of the JPFCA, "We were hoping to see the ordination of women apostles, but now it seems that there won't be any apostles at all, not even directly-elected ones produced as a result of a modern democratic process involving extensive fund-raising, costly advertising campaigns, primaries, and finally a bit of subtle vote-rigging."

St Stephen - unlikely to get stoned now.

So where next for the Catholic Church? Some "traddy" Christians are saying that it might be a good idea to have a common core of beliefs, but their first mission statement, "NOLITE PECCARE" (do not sin), was rejected as being hopelessly out of date in 1st century Judaea. It has since been modified, after consultation with JPFCA to "IMPOSSIBILE EST PECCARE" (it is not possible to sin), which certainly makes everyone feel better all round.

The ex-Apostle Timothy reacts to a woman "priest".