This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 1 June 2021

Eccles explains canon law

Quaeritur: How can I arrange to be married in Westminster Cathedral?

Canonist Eccles: Tell me about yourself.

Q: Oo-er, cripes! I was baptised as a Catholic, confirmed as an Anglican, got married twice outside the Church, got divorced twice, I've been living in sin, my current girl's had a little boy called er um...

Voice off: It's Wilfred Dominic Covid Johnson! Now get off the computer and come and change his nappies!

Q: Nearly finished, dear. Oh, and I never never attend church; too busy saving the world, don't you know.

Canonist Eccles: Congratulations! You can marry in a Catholic cathedral. Any particular girl in mind? Well, don't worry, you can decide when you turn up. All clear now?

Note to Catholics planning marriage: other routes to wedlock are available.

Henry VIII

There once was an old man of Lyme
Who married three wives at a time,
When asked 'Why a third?'
He replied, 'One's absurd!
And bigamy, Sir, is a crime!'
(William Cosmo Monkhouse. See Amoris Laetitia for details.)

Queeritur: But what about same-sex couples? They cannot have their civil union blessed even in private by a priest because "God does not and cannot bless sin..." Asking for a friend, you understand.

CE: Oh shut up, Jimbo. Why do you have to bring everything back to the subject of homosexuality? Which word of "God does not and cannot bless sin" do you find difficult?


James Martin and Pope Francis

No, Jim, we can only be good friends.

Quaeritur: I am a very high-profile Catholic, founder of the traditionalist blog Five Peter One, which brings me in a small income that helps me maintain my family of thirty-nine children. Admittedly, I haven't been to church since 1981. Today my priest said "I'm sorry, Mr Kojak, we can't marry your same-sex pair of cats in a church. Your blog isn't as spiritually nourishing as Eccles's - I'd happily marry his same-sex pair of cats if he wished me to." Should I sue him?

CE: Isn't that the American answer to all problems? Ask Fr Altman if he can help you raise a few million dollars.


Top blogger Kojak.


  1. The premise: "If memory serves, a Catholic must be in a “state of grace” prior to receiving a holy sacrament. Pity the poor priest who had to hear Boris Johnson’s confession."

    My Question: "What would be worse, that BJ faked an insincere confession, or that the Church authorities waived (or ignored) the requirement in his case?"

    One response: "I suppose the former for his soul but the latter for the Church. The more one thinks about this the more absurd it becomes. The Church cannot have it both ways. Either Boris is a Catholic (in which case he should have had to repent of his apostasy and return to the Church before being allowed to marry) or he is not (which seems to me the better view) in which case he should not have been granted 2 annulments."

    1. He should also have been confirmed into the Catholic Church before marriage. That is the normal expectation - especially since he was confirmed as an Anglican. Besides the sacramental grace, it would make it clear that he was now a Catholic.
      Mr Johnson needed not annulments but a Declaration of Freedom to Marry from the Chancellor, since both his previous marriages lacked canonical form.
      Banns evidently were not called, when there was a good case for calling them, in case another love child surfaced!
      Westminster diocese has left the millions of Catholics in the UK in the dark. We do not know whether the most high-ranking "Catholic" politician in the country is a confirmed and reconciled Catholic in Eucharistic communion with us, or not.
      There was also the danger of sacrilege being committed if a Catholic entered Holy Matrimony without repentance, in a state of grave sin.

  2. We watch aghast as Steve Skojec cracks up completely. So sad, but there's no mystery here. If we read Francis through Benedict, all is a bit clearer. Read Benedict through Francis and you can't go wrong. Read Henry VIII and you get culture wars. Was it ever thus?

  3. Wish I'd known all this 47 years ago... is it too late to cram in a few divorces? I quite fancy getting re-married in a cathedral...

  4. I is not a kultur worrier. Only u is a kultur worrier.