Eccles explains canon law

Quaeritur: How can I arrange to be married in Westminster Cathedral?

Canonist Eccles: Tell me about yourself.

Q: Oo-er, cripes! I was baptised as a Catholic, confirmed as an Anglican, got married twice outside the Church, got divorced twice, I've been living in sin, my current girl's had a little boy called er um...

Voice off: It's Wilfred Dominic Covid Johnson! Now get off the computer and come and change his nappies!

Q: Nearly finished, dear. Oh, and I never never attend church; too busy saving the world, don't you know.

Canonist Eccles: Congratulations! You can marry in a Catholic cathedral. Any particular girl in mind? Well, don't worry, you can decide when you turn up. All clear now?

Note to Catholics planning marriage: other routes to wedlock are available.

There once was an old man of Lyme
Who married three wives at a time,
When asked 'Why a third?'
He replied, 'One's absurd!
And bigamy, Sir, is a crime!'
(William Cosmo Monkhouse. See Amoris Laetitia for details.)
  

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Queeritur: But what about same-sex couples? They cannot have their civil union blessed even in private by a priest because "God does not and cannot bless sin..." Asking for a friend, you understand.

CE: Oh shut up, Jimbo. Why do you have to bring everything back to the subject of homosexuality? Which word of "God does not and cannot bless sin" do you find difficult?

LGBTSJQ: Beast!

No, Jim, we can only be good friends.

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Quaeritur: I am a very high-profile Catholic, founder of the traditionalist blog Five Peter One, which brings me in a small income that helps me maintain my family of thirty-nine children. Admittedly, I haven't been to church since 1981. Today my priest said "I'm sorry, Mr Kojak, we can't marry your same-sex pair of cats in a church. Your blog isn't as spiritually nourishing as Eccles's - I'd happily marry his same-sex pair of cats if he wished me to." Should I sue him?

CE: Isn't that the American answer to all problems? Ask Fr Altman if he can help you raise a few million dollars.

Top blogger Kojak.

"Jesus has no credibility" says Cardinal Farrell

"Jesus is not the best person to advise people on marriage," explained Cardinal Kevin Farrell, Prefect of the Dicastery for Laity, Family and Life. "He has no credibility, He never lived the experience; He may be the Son of God, but to go from there to putting His Power into practice every day - He doesn't have that experience."

Some will find Cardinal Farrell's words controversial, although it is unlikely that Pope Francis will take any notice of them, let alone correct them. Cardinal Farrell (70) was appointed by Francis, along with Cardinal Tobin (66) and Cardinal Cupich (69), as one of a team of "Bright Young Cardinals" whose job was to drag the Catholic Church into the 1960s.

The Three Musketeers (or do we mean Stooges?)

Jesus's views on marriage - broadly speaking, that it is an institution that involves one man and one woman for life - have already been much criticised, especially by fans of Amoris Laetitia, but Kevin Farrell is the first person to come out and explain how He could have got things so badly wrong.

"It is better if people being prepared for marriage ignore all that pre-Vatican II Biblical stuff," he continued, "and it is therefore more appropriate if they are prepared by someone who has been married before - perhaps several times - and preferably both to people of the same sex and the opposite sex. That way they can benefit from a full range of experiences."

"Now take Henry VIII. The Anglicans have benefited from his wide experience of marriage!"

Cardinal Farrell went on to criticise the Ten Commandments, explaining that God had been "rather new at that game" when He drafted them, and had not committed any sins. "It would have been better if He had left things to Satan, who, after all, had much more personal experience of evil."

Many Catholic priests have been disturbed (not to say furious) at Kev the Rev's comments, asking themselves exactly what experience of marriage the good cardinal has himself had, to be able to speak out so authoritatively. As a result, they have constructed a giant balloon (blimp) in the form of Farrell, which is now flying above Rome, this being the "modern" way to express political disagreement.

The Farrell blimp watches over St Peter's Square.

How to be a Good Pope 4

Continued from Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3.

As we have pointed out before, it is quite likely that one or two of our readers will end up as popes; or, if not, as mothers of popes, fathers of popes, etc. You therefore need to know how good popes behave - and if you are the parent of an errant pope, to say "Bosco, stop being silly!" at the right moment.

"Give 'em Hell, Jorge!" says Maria Regina Sivori.

Now, it is the duty of all popes to challenge the faithful, by saying things that will make them think. So you could tell them "Most Catholic marriages are invalid, because Catholics have not read my lovely book Appassionata Erotica, complete with amusing footnotes." This will go down well, and probably lead to husbands and wives walking out, children being abandoned in the street as "invalid", and everyone saying what a wise pope you must be. Then, when nobody is looking, change "Most are" to "Some are", or "One or two may be", or "I heard a rumour that there was one", just in case anyone asks you for some definite facts.

Of course marriage is not the only way to have a relationship with someone. You can cheer up your flock by saying that relationships based on fornication are just as good really. Who needs the sacrament of marriage? If nobody ever married, then adultery and divorce would vanish from the face of the earth! In the new modern streamlined church we can also get rid of ordinations, baptisms, marriages... You can go down in history as the pope who sent everyone to Heaven - believers or unbelievers - without any fussing about.

A model for the modern Catholic Church.

When discussing relationships you should of course be "gay-friendly". In the words of Saint John Lennon, "All you need is love!" Why not fly the rainbow flag over the Vatican, or organize a "Vatican Pride" event? A few of those stuffy traditionalists will object, but you will be able to convince the secular public that "We all believe the same thing, really". Then expect to receive extravagant praise from that ultimate arbiter of morals, Fr James Martin SJ - as pope you'll know that means you've "arrived"!

Pope claims that most Catholics are bastards

Pope Francis, in his usual friendly I-hates-you-all-because-you-is-not-saved-only-I-is-saved style, has claimed that most Catholic marriages are invalid, thereby implying that the fruits of the marriage (kids) are technically bastards.

John Major - also thought that most of his colleagues were bastards.

As has already been pointed out by wiser people than myself*, it is quite likely that most ordinations were also invalid - we can give you a list of prime suspects on request - not to mention Masses, Reconciliation (Penance), etc.

*wiser, but less saved, perhaps.

Having spent the three years of his papacy in accusing Catholics of particular sins (Pope Francis has a particular objection to holiness, faithfulness, honesty, truthfulness and orthodoxy), the Holy Father has now decided to "go for broke" by issuing this general Commination on his Church.

"O God! I've just insulted my own parents!"

Some critics (not us) have responded by suggesting that certain papal conclaves were invalid, because either Cormac Murphy-O'Connor and his mates interfered, or simply because the the cardinals ended up electing a rather dim person who didn't understand canon law. I expect that dear brother Mundabor could tell you more.

However, we should remember that the choice of the Pope is made by the Holy Spirit, possibly influenced by the Spirit of Vatican II, and that God moves in a mysterious way His wonders to perform. He plants His footsteps in the sea, and rides upon the storm. After one saintly Pope, and one very learned Pope, it is clear that the time had come for the Church to be led by someone very different. You got it.

Pope Francis annuls all marriages

As a special gesture to celebrate the Year of Mercy, Pope Francis has declared that all marriages contracted by Catholics are now null and void. Fed up with handling numerous claims for annulment, the Holy Father has in characteristic style cut all the red tape and granted freedom to all previously-married couples.

A happy couple celebrate the Pope's decision.

As a special bargain offer, those couples who did not really want an annulment (believed to be a small minority) will be allowed to remarry free of charge.

Said one unhappy husband, Fred Cheese, "We've been together now for 40 years, and it don't seem a day too much. There ain't a lady livin' in the land as I'd swop for my dear old Dutch." However, his wife, Dutch Cheese, replied "Er, don't count your chickens, Fred. If we remarry you can start doing the cleaning, for a start."

It is not clear where this leaves the General Synod on the Family, as, from now on, there aren't any families. Once again the Pope has solved a knotty problem in his own unique style.

In support of our priests, our families, and our Church

A serious post, for only the second time ever. The first time was this.

I have been asked the post the following message.

You may have seen the recent letter from more than 450 priests in support of the Church’s teaching on marriage.

We would like to invite you to sign the letter below, to be sent to the press in support of them, and to encourage others to sign it.

To sign, please leave your name and your diocese in the comments box below, or if you prefer email them to me or to one of the coordinators:

Mark Lambert (mark@landbtechnical.com) or Andrew Plasom-Scott (andrewplasom_scott@me.com)

The Letter:

Dear Sir, We, the undersigned, wish to endorse and support the letter signed by over 450 priests in the recent edition of the Catholic Herald, http://bit.ly/19kuBkl. As laity, we all know from our own family experiences, or those of our friends and neighbours, the harrowing trauma of divorce and separation, and we sympathise with all those in such situations.
It is precisely for that reason that we believe that the Church must continue to proclaim the truth about marriage, given us by Christ in the Gospels, with clarity and charity in a world that struggles to understand it.
For the sake of those in irregular unions, for the sake of those abandoned and living in accordance with the teachings of the Church, and above all for the sake of the next generation, it is essential that the Church continues to make it quite clear that sacramental marriage is indissoluble until death.
We pray, and expect, that our hierarchy will represent us, and the Church’s unwavering teaching, at the Synod this autumn.
Yours faithfully,

Liturgy for people marrying themselves

With the announcement that Miss Grace Gelder has gone through a ceremony of marriage with herself, with the aid of Tiu de Haan, a "subtle combination of secular cleric, counsellor and friend," we are pleased to supply a brief liturgy for such an event.

Do you, Narcissus, take Narcissus to be your lawful wedded husband?

The happy single enters, to the accompaniment of a suitable piece of music played on the organ; for example, the "Lone Ranger" theme, or "You'll always walk alone", or Björk's Isobel. Note that all marriages - including auto-marriages - must by law include (a) a Scotsman in a kilt; (b) a small child who will cry out when the "any just cause or impediment" question is asked; and (c) a relative who has been celebrating too early.

Celebrant (Mother Tiu): Marriage is a gift of God in creation through which husband and wife may know the grace of God. However, it is also available to husband and husband, wife and wife, three husbands and an elephant, wife and two cats, husband alone, wife alone, or even nobody at all.

"Only bigots would try and prevent someone from marrying themselves," says Giles Fraser.

Celebrant: Does anyone know just cause or impediment why this N may not marry himself (or herself)?

There will now be a solemn pause in which a small child may cry out "That's my mummy!"

Congregation (sotto voce): He (or she) is a barking mad lunatic, but he (or she) is our friend, and anyway there's going to be a good party afterwards.

Mother Tiu will add dignity to your big day.

Celebrant: Right. Do you, N, take this N, to be your self? Will you love yourself, comfort yourself, honour and protect yourself, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to yourself as long as you shall live?

N: I will. Ha ha ha ha, look at me, isn't this hilariously funny?

Celebrant: N, I now invite you to join your hands and make your vows, in the presence of God and his people.

N: I, N, take me, N, to be myself, to have and to hold from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till I do kick the bucket. N, I give myself and receive from myself this ring as a sign of our marriage.

Cardinal Kasper is convinced that the forthcoming Synod will encourage people to marry themselves.

Celebrant: I now pronounce you man (or woman) and self. Those whom God has joined together let no one put asunder, although frankly you should definitely go and get psychiatric help. You may now kiss yourself, and take a selfie. That will be 500 guineas plus VAT. Don't forget to sign the registers.

A final hymn may now be sung, such as "Dear Lord and Father of mankind, forgive our foolish ways" / "There was I, waiting at the church" / "Turn back, O Man, forswear thy foolish ways" / "High on a hill. Was a lonely goatherd. Lay-ee odl-lay-ee odl-lay hoo hoo." (Arr. Inwood).

Waiting at the church.

Eccles changes his browsers

Congratulations. If you're reading this, it is because you are using a browser suitable for saved pussons. If you're not reading this, then you are blocked because your trousers browsers smell of Mozzarella: you should get rid of that loathsome unsaved product FireEich. See here.

Avoid unsaved cheese.

I'm not supposed to be here today, as it is Lent, and not a Sunday (except in the Pacific Ocean), so here is a penitential car, sent to me by the wonderful Rhoslyn Thomas.

Asperges me, Domine, hyssopo et mundabor...