This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday 16 July 2022

Scalfari interviews Satan

The scene: Hell. Satan is relaxing in a comfortable chair. Suddenly the late Eugenio Scalfari materialises before him.

Satan: Ah, Scalfari. How nice to see you. Do you know who I am?

Scalfari: Hmm, a strong smell of brimstone, an atmosphere of evil. Of course! I am in the archdiocese of Chicago, and you must be Blase Cupich!

Satan: Well, nearly right. In fact, you've died and gone to Hell. My name is Satan. How are you? Apart from being dead, I mean.

Scalfari

Our ace reporter.

Scalfari: Fine, thanks. Now what's going on?

Satan: Well, I thought we could make your stay in Hell more comfortable if we put you to some use. Would you mind interviewing me?

Scalfari: Well, I seem to have got my hearing back, so that would make things go more smoothly. I won't have to make things up.

Satan: No problem if you do. After all, I am the Father of Lies.

Scalfari: But why do you need to be interviewed, anyway? You have regular columns in America magazine, the National Catholic Reporter, and the Tablet...

Satan: Also I'm a regular contributor to Where Peter Is and a few other Catholic blogs! Still, all publicity is evil publicity, as we say down here. Now, start asking questions.

Scalfari: So what exactly are your religious beliefs?

Satan: Well, in fact I'm a devout Catholic, although of course I feel that doctrine needs to evolve.

Scalfari: Do you receive communion?

Satan: No, unfortunately, I am confined to Hell. Still, I do have many agents on the Earthly Plane. Blase. Jimbo. Fat Arthur. Joe. Nancy... They sell me their souls and I give them great power and success. How else do you think such no-hopers got so far?

Trio of bad cardinals

"Now remember, today's code phrase is 'Nighty-night, baby'."

Scalfari: I see. All these absurd cardinals that Pope Francis keeps creating?

Satan: We don't make it too obvious. One or two genuine Catholics are kept on the list as well. Although we took care to delete Chaput, Cordileone, and a few others who looked too dangerous.

Scalfari: Great. Now, any comments for our readers on Traditionis Custodes, which is coming up to its first anniversary?

Satan: The idea came to Pope Francis in a dream - well, I put it there. How best to cause division in the Catholic Church, other than by persecuting all the people who worshipped in the traditional way?

There is a knock on the door and a servant enters.

Satan: Ah, Pachamama! Two teas, please! With added brimstone.

Pachamama

"Have a nice cup of tea."


Thanks to Johann du Toit for an idea.

9 comments:

  1. Blaze Cupich!

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  2. Thank you Eccles. I am never disappointed in your postings. But should I laugh or cry? Both. It helps.

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  3. Sounds real🤔

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  4. My first laugh of the day! I thought this 'news' might inspire a new post from you. I'm glad it did.

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  5. Brilliant! But a little too close to reality for comfort...

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  6. Why did the chicken cross the road ?

    Because the Kerygma of Synodality brought it into the Living Experience of its Personal Bridge over the Road of cophropagic neo-Pelagian grannies in lace. Isn't it obvious ?

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  7. He's still not got his memry back, or he'd have invented even more about thos wonderful cathlic teachings, the Joy of Sex and Protectors of the Betrayal.

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  8. Screwtape letters anyone?

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  9. Is you being smudged soon, Bruvver ?

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