How to be a Catholic but still vote for Death

There has been a bit of a fuss in British Catholic circles recently, as one Chris Coghlan, a Liberal Democrat MP (for Americans, these are like Democrats only a bit more muddle-headed), who is also, apparently, a Catholic, decided to vote for the Assisted Suicide Bill. His priest had already made it clear that Catholics are opposed to unnatural death, whether it be abortion, suicide, euthanasia, strychnine in the soup, whatever... and as a result told him that he was now to be denied Holy Communion.

Our hero.

What is Coghlan to do? Complain to the bishop (Richard Moth, who is pretty uncontroversial even if not very exciting)? Get the Observer, a liberal newspaper that is no friend to Catholics, to publish his moans? Flood social media with his whining...?

What many people seem to have forgotten is that - as Coghlan realises - Catholicism is just a one-hour-per-week business. Nobody expects it to affect what you do outside the church!

Is it too much to ask people to go into a church once a week, put on their most holy expressions, sit down, stand up, kneel, whenever other people do, get someone to prod them if they fall asleep in the homily, fork out 5p for a second collection (yes, it's Peter's Pence week!), join in the "kiss of peace" with hearty handshakes all round (try to say "Peace be with you" rather than "I hope you'll be voting for me", Chris!), perhaps even go for coffee and a bit of "networking" with the faithful? THAT'S YOUR WEEK'S OBLIGATION DONE!

Mike Amesbury MP demonstrates the sign of peace.

And if for some reason you can't join the queue for Holy Communion you can always take your phone out and do some texting in those five or ten minutes.

Good grief, it would be intolerable if Catholics started doing Catholic things OUTSIDE the church! In the UK you can probably be arrested these days for publicly uttering offensive religious slogans such as "Bless you" when people sneeze or "Goodbye" (i.e., God be with you) when you take your leave of someone. ("Allahu Akbar", a sort of "I see you're off, mate", is allowed of course, since that is DIVERSE.)

Then, should you be letting your faith influence your actions - do you dash into the road to a rescue a golden-haired child from an approaching steamroller, or do you leave her feeling a bit flat? The first is what most Catholics would do, but the second is nearer to the "assisted dying" spirit that many MPs prefer.

A moral dilemma.

Some people have argued that people who want to become MPs should warn their electorate of their beliefs. Perhaps by wearing little stars when they appear in public.

In the USA all this is far easier - you can be a pious and devout Catholic while promoting abortion, and you can even be a priest while promoting LGBTSJ stuff. In the UK it's harder to get away with that sort of thing.

These are deep questions. If only there were some sort of organization that could tell Catholics what they should be doing! Apart from the Observer and the Liberal Democrat Party, I mean. Any suggestions?

The 2025 World Cup of Ugly Churches

In 2020 we held a World Cup of Ugly Churches, and you can read all about the final rounds here. The winner was this beauty.

St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan, USA.

Since then I have come across another 78 possibles, so the 2025 World Cup will run as follows (using Twitter/X polls).

1. The 78 are reduced to 16 by votes (so, we start with qualifying rounds).

2. These are added to the top 16 from the 2020 World Cup (automatic qualifiers) to make 32.

3. After that the final rounds begin, and may the Worst Church Win!

Arthur Roche: an apology

On Tuesday Pope Leo XIV received Cardinal Roche in audience, probably for the first time in his pontificate. This led to a lot of speculation about the fate of the rotund cardinal - surely it was too soon to hope for a repeal of Traditionis Custodes?

Mea culpa, I posted on Twitter/X a suggestion that Uncle Arthur had been reassigned to an unknown destination, together with the following obviously bogus picture (or so I thought).

This somehow went viral (as people say when their posts are making lots of people ill at the same time), and somehow a rumour went round that the good man was going to the Falkland Islands. I am happy to confirm that this is not the case. Probably.

Here are a few more doctored photos of Arthur Roche, which I am also happy to admit to.

Only the caption is invented.

A bit of thought-reading.

This one may be genuine.

And while we're celebrating the future ice-skating Bishop of Port Stanley, it would be a pity not to mention this contribution from @lastenglishking

How to be a good pope 2.0

So it has happened. The previous pope (let's call him Fred the Humble) has finally died, and you have gone through the process involved in choosing a successor.

It was arduous: you were locked in a room with over 100 lunatics (and a few sane people), and told that you could not eat, drink, or go to the lavatory until a victim had been selected. After disposing of the silly candidates, such as Pah-Oh-Lin, the financial wizard who wanted China to run the Vatican, and Raggle-Taggle, the dancer who sang "Imagine" to the conclave before bursting into tears, the choice fell on you.

"Tell me what Eccles says I should do."

What should you do now, apart from prayer? (And don't pray that it was all a bad dream, as it wasn't!) Well, you must start slowly. Start by pretending that St Fred the Humble is already canonized and is looking down on the Church benevolently - which he never did when he was alive. You can do this by saying things like "He has gone back to his Father's House" without mentioning that this is precisely what the Prodigal Son did. This is called the Heretic of Continuity (memo: check spelling).

So far you have support from the most unlikely sources: traditionalists such as Cardinal Sally of Africa, and popesplainers such as little Jane Austen of Oxford. But will they continue to support you?

The man from "Where Pachamama Is" is also backing you so far.

Things you must not do, at least not in the first month:

1. Declare Pope Fred the Humble an anti-pope, and have his corpse taken away in a van (as he did with his predecessor);

2. Sack all the basket cases more controversial appointments, such as Kisso and Ferrero Rocher;

3. Rush into print with lots of new Apostolic Exhortations contradicting everything that was said in the last 12 years.

Long-standing readers of this blog will appreciate this meeting with Bishop Campbell.

No, a little diplomacy is needed. Pope Fred contradicted all his predecessors without admitting that he was doing this, so you can do the same:

1. Say how much you admire Amorous Letitia, but stress the importance of married life and the evils of divorce.

2. Praise Traditionalists Crushed, but point out that in fact it does not mean that there can be any restrictions on the Traditional Latin Mass. Which brings us onto the next piece of advice.

3. Do nothing about the Bishop of Charlatan in the USA who gets his pastoral ideas from the Gestapo Handbook. You are confident that the outcry over his wackier edicts, e.g.

no suits and ties for men;
no silence before Mass - talking to your neighbours is compulsory;
guitar and tambourine only - no organ; 
no male altar-servers, just girls in mini-skirts; 
women can wear mitres but not mantillas;

will soon convince him to look for a job more suited to his talents, such as prison warder. Either that or he'll back down and claim that it was a "draft".

An alternative to mantillas.

4. Praise Fiddled Supplies, but interpret it carefully to mean that blessing same-sex couples is a no-no. This may upset Fr Martin James LGBTSJ, but he's already sulking at the prospect of no further photo-opportunities with a pope.

5. It would be going too far to praise Pachamama and Rupnik, but make it known that Pope Fred's views are to be respected. Meanwhile, quietly burn all the idols and lock the sex maniac in a dark dungeon with rats.

Don't worry. You probably have plenty of time in which to Make Catholicism Holy Again. I'll be back later with more advice, Holy Father, so watch this space!

---

Apologies for writing an entirely serious post this time. I am humbled by the fact that the AI program Grok is better at humour than I am. I asked it to write a prayer for humility in the style of P.G. Wodehouse, and it managed this (click to enlarge it):

How can I possibly compete?