Arthur Roche: an apology

On Tuesday Pope Leo XIV received Cardinal Roche in audience, probably for the first time in his pontificate. This led to a lot of speculation about the fate of the rotund cardinal - surely it was too soon to hope for a repeal of Traditionis Custodes?

Mea culpa, I posted on Twitter/X a suggestion that Uncle Arthur had been reassigned to an unknown destination, together with the following obviously bogus picture (or so I thought).

This somehow went viral (as people say when their posts are making lots of people ill at the same time), and somehow a rumour went round that the good man was going to the Falkland Islands. I am happy to confirm that this is not the case. Probably.

Here are a few more doctored photos of Arthur Roche, which I am also happy to admit to.

Only the caption is invented.

A bit of thought-reading.

This one may be genuine.

And while we're celebrating the future ice-skating Bishop of Port Stanley, it would be a pity not to mention this contribution from @lastenglishking

Pope Francis embraces the Spirit of Corbyn

As Jeremy Corbyn MP looks increasingly likely to become the next leader of the Labour party, support has come from an unexpected (?) source, for Pope Francis has put his weight behind Mr Corbyn's candidature. Given that all four of the candidates are atheists (or "agnostic" when talking to Christians), there is no reason why a Catholic pope should not make a free choice whom to support.

Jeremy Corbyn, with trademark cap and beard.

It is said that the pope is planning to trade in his zucchetto for the traditional socialist's silly cap, and he will probably want to grow a beard in solidarity with Mr Corbyn, for there are distinct signs that the Holy Father is sympathetic to the ideals of the MP for Islington North. For example, he picked up a most exciting Marxist relic on his recent trip to South America.

"Yours for 200 Bolivianos, Papa. It fell off the back of a lorry."

It has always been accepted behaviour for great religious leaders to fraternize with dodgy people (or "sinners" as we used to call them), and Jeremy Corbyn's links with Sinn Fein, Hamas, Hezbollah, etc. are seen as a sign of his greatness. Similarly, the pope is not hesitating to dive head-first into the murky world of politics, including Argentina's obsessive campaign to grab the Falkland Islands and its reserves of oil and gas liberate the oppressed sheep of the Malvinas.

"Will this get me back on Cristina Kirchner's Christmas card list?"

Let Pope Francis have the final word:

Some people have described Corbyn as a joke candidate, and totally unfitted for the position of spiritual leader of 300,000 Labourites. Still, it should be remembered that, although it is the duty of faithful Labourites to show respect to their political father, who is the occupant of the chair of St Keir the hardy, his words need not be treated as infallible except when he speaks ex cathedra on matters of party policy. If we understand that, then we can all get along fine.

Pope Francis

Pope Francis is delighted with his new vestments.

Thanks to my close sources in the Vatican (© Damian Thompson) I can exclusively reveal that the college of cardinals has elected a new pope, Cardinal Belgrano of Argentina, who has taken the title Pope Francis.

Purple smoke from the Sistine Chapel: "we have elected a chemist."

Pope Francis trained as a chemist before entering the Church, and even now he is fond of making "holy smoke."

A young Fr Belgrano (R) tries to interest Hans Küng (L) in the delights of chemistry.

Menawhile, Richard Dawkins is very impressed that the new head of the Catholic church is a scientist of greater distinction than he is, and it is said that he is thinking of becoming a Catholic himself.

"Does anyone know how these rosary beads work?"

Little is known about Pope Francis except that he likes riding on buses; it is thought that his first encyclical may be an appeal for universal joy, called Laugh with everyone - or, in Latin, Omnibus Ride.

The new Popemobile.

No previous Pope has been called "Francis," and it is thought that by this choice of name the Holy Father is sending out signals about the style of papacy he intends. One possibility is that he may have chosen to be named after St Francis Sinatra.

I did it my way.

However, it may be that instead he had St Francis Howerd in mind.

Titter ye not!

Meanwhile, the BBC is trying to get to grips with the idea of a new Pope, and of course to present him in the worst possible light. When he was first shown to the crowds in St Peter's Square on Wednesday, Pope Francis took the unusual step of praying the "Our Father" and "Hail Mary," prayers unknown to the BBC commentators.

Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor and Ed "Stewpot" Stourton discuss the use of obsolete prayers.

As a faithful Tabletista, Ed Stourton explained that "Our Father" and "Hail Mary," are traddy prayers, not suitable for the modern Catholic church. Indeed, as Catherine Pepinster will confirm, they are explicitly against the Spirit of Vatican II.

The Tablet - now preparing a hatchet job on Pope Francis.

Meanwhile, Alan Garbager of the Godruin newspaper was initially wrong-footed by the election of a Pope much more socially aware than the average leftie Godruin-reader. He was also shocked to discover that the new pontiff is an orthodox Catholic and none too keen on abortion, same-sex marriage, euthanasia, or the ordination of women - activities which bring pleasure to so many people. Hence Garbager has been devoting his energies to character assassination. A few years ago he convinced Godruin-readers that Pope Benedict XVI - as a German - was certainly a Nazi war-criminal and a close personal friend of Hitler; moreover, it was claimed that in his spare time he used to pull the wings off insects.

A disciple of Pope Benedict prepares to pull the wings off an insect.

Garbager has now turned his attention to Pope Francis who - as an Argentine - is automatically assumed to have been a war-criminal and close personal friend of General Galtieri; it is said that in his spare time he pulls the ears off woolly lambs.

Argentine troops, under the direct command of Pope Francis, prepare to invade the Falklands and pull the ears off all the woolly lambs they find.

Well, that's all for now, but do spare a thought for St Malachy, who put his shirt on Cardinal Peter Turkson for Pope and lost everything.

"Eccles! How nice to see you!"