Tina Beattie thanks the blogosphere

Following a complicated and controversial discussion between respected and learned people (yes, really), such as Chalcedon 451, Joseph Shaw, and Mark Lambert, Professor Tina Beattie has issued a statement, thanking the Catholic blogosphere for pointing out that her letter to the Polish bishops might lead to a minor theological controversy about whether abortion could ever be consistent with Catholic teaching. The Polish bishops have been in a real quandary ever since they received the letter, signed by so many celebrity Catholics. Should they follow the Pope, the Magisterium, Catholic tradition, the Bible, God etc. or should one letter in green ink carry more weight?

"Have we been wrong all along?" asks Pope Francis.

Finally the balance was tipped when Vincent Nichols preached a pro-life sermon, so for the time being the Polish bishops are "staying put" with their patriarchal sexist misogynist attitudes.

The real debate centres on freedom of speech. Should a professor of Catholic studies be allowed to attack Catholic views? Actually, I don't see why not. If a professor of Physics wishes to write to the Royal Society claiming that E=mc² is wrong, and that it should be E=mc³, then nobody is going to worry about it, except those running nuclear power stations who decide to use the new formula and find that their power stations blow up. Likewise, a professor of French who announces that the French word for "cake" is "chapeau" will never be criticised, except possibly by silly people who end up eating hats in French restaurants.

Eating a delicious hat.

Tina's full title is "Professor of Catholic Studies and Director of the Digby Stuart Research Centre for Religion, Society and Human Flourishing". We don't see a problem with that. It doesn't mean that she teaches Catholicism, merely "Catholic Studies". Why, even Richard Dawkins has studied Catholicism - at a beginner's level - and come out against it. Then again, people who go to Roehampton are attracted to it because it is a world centre for Human Flourishing.

What they're wearing at Roehampton.

Others have sought to prise Prof. Beattie away from her exciting position as theological adviser to CAFOD. This is really only a problem if you take CAFOD seriously as a Catholic charity. Nothing to see here, move on.

Who was the mystery priest?

When Katie Lentz of Missouri, USA, was trapped in a crashed car, a "mystery priest", appeared from nowhere and prayed with her. The story has miraculous elements, as the priest appears on no photographs of the scene, and later ascended bodily into Heaven (I may have got that bit wrong).

"Hand me down a blanket!" says the mystery priest.

Although in some accounts, the mystery priest was later identified as Fr Patrick Dowling, this is far too improbable a theory, and we suggest some other miracle-working priests.

Father John Zuhlsdorf, with his bus pass.

Father Z, a traditional Catholic and celebrity blogger, is also an experienced miracle-worker, and would have no trouble manifesting himself at a road accident, provided that he was facing east at the time. Known for miraculous deeds such as "turning the water into coffee" and "driving the demons out of the National Catholic Reporter", Fr Z is also prepared to do liturgical materializations, if the instructions are written in red.

Fr Eccles.

Fr Eccles, author of The Pilgrim's Ogress, a biography of his aunt Moly, normally wears a red biretta. However, this week he lent his red hat to Archbishop Vincent Nichols ("I'd just like to try one on and see what I look like in it"), and was wearing a simple black one.

The mystery priest sustained Katie Lentz with a dish of Eccles cake and custard.

Fr Tony Flannery? No, the man looked like a priest.

The "mystery priest" was reported as behaving entirely like a normal Catholic priest in good standing, who did not once moan about how beastly the Vatican had been to him. We must regretfully eliminate Fr Flannery from our list of suspects, even though, as one person put it, "It's a miracle that he's still a priest."

Bishop John Arnold.

Bishop John Arnold is chairman of the allegedly-Catholic charity CAFOD, and credited with a miracle that still leaves people's jaws dropping - the pouring out of gold (£90,000) onto CAFOD's Chief Executive Chris Bain. John Arnold has links with more plausibly Catholic organizations as well, including the Archdiocese of Westminster, an organization which recently hosted a lecture by Tina Beattie. So far he has not denied being the "mystery priest".

Oh all right, perhaps it was Fr Dowling after all.

The Tina Beattie farewell tour

Tina's Westminster gig.

As Tina says "goodbye" to the Catholic Church - or at least, most of the Catholic Church says "goodbye" to Tina - in order to provide leadership to the breakaway sect of Roe-ham Catholics, we can now reveal the programme for her farewell tour.

The prestigious venues at which Tina will entertain people with an evening of comedy and variety include the Clifton Hippodrome, the San Diego City Music Hall, the Digby Stuart Saloon Bar, the Crazy Tablet Nightclub, and the very Oddfellows' Hall, Westminster!

The Comedy Theatre - scene of Tina's greatest triumphs.

Yes, Tina will give us her hilarious stage show, where she turns Catholic doctrine on its head and presents us with several hilarious newly-minted heresies! And there is a powerful supporting cast:

Will you welcome "Peppermint" Kate!

"Peppermint" Kate, the comic, who came to fame with her "Dead Tablet" sketch - of which everyone can quote the brilliantly nonsensical line, this is progressive, but responsible Catholic thinking, a place where orthodoxy is at home but ideas are welcome - will be sharing the billing with Tina. And Kate is also a talented contortionist - watch her put her foot in her mouth and her head in the sand!

King Küng.

See King Küng the ape-man strike terror into the audience! This is the creature who tried to scale the walls of the Vatican and sit in the Pope's chair! But is he a real monster, or just a big man in a monkey suit?

Eamon and the Duffers.

Eamon and the Duffers, that well-known singing group from the Emerald Isle, will also be providing musical entertainment: they'll perform a selection of old Irish folk songs, concluding with that very moving ballad about a man carried off by the Soviet forces of the Vatican: Oh Duffy boy, your tripe's, your tripe's appalling.

Cafod Beeblebrox.

Also appearing for the last time, before he is forced to change his name and drop the "Catholic" label, is Cafod Beeblebrox, the two-faced fugitive from justice. He's said to have taken millions of pounds from innocent people who believed that they were supporting orthodox Catholic teaching, but will he get away with it tonight?

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All profits from the Tina Beattie farewell tour will go to the Justice for Tina campaign, and the We love Tina fan club.

"She's going!" Antonio Mennini shows his souvenir programme to some friends.

Charity Appeal

The charity CATFOOD (CATholics For Oddball Overseas Development), has asked for an appeal to be posted on all spiritually nourishing blogs such as this one.

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We are hugely grateful for the support you have shown for CATFOOD's work over many years, as we have acted as a lobbying agency for extra taxes, action on climate change, and access to condoms for all; we have also done something about those people in the Third World without access to those simple necessities of life that we all take for granted: such as Tenderized baby kestrel with a Welsh truffle sauce, tortured parsnips, weeping Norfolk onions, and a salad of pumpkin leaves with balsamic vinegar; with this, most experts would recommend a Chateau Coldfitte 1992.

A baby kestrel. In London we take food like this for granted.

Well now we need to turn our attention to nearer at home. Do you remember me telling you about Zimi, a 10-year old girl from Islington? Zimi's family have been without proper drinking water for several weeks: her parents could no longer find Mont Blanc Glacier Water in the supermarket, and she was forced to drink the rubbish that comes out of the taps.

Zimi now says, "When the deliveries of Mont Blanc Glacier Water stopped, my family had to change its lifestyle; we stopped taking baths or showers, and now nobody at school wants to sit next to me."

Mont Blanc, where the glacier water is lovingly harvested by Dominican friars.

Thanks to CATFOOD, Zimi's family is now getting regular deliveries of climate change posters and contraceptives, and we are looking into the water problem as well.

We'd now like to tell you about another child, a 9-year-old boy from Notting Hill called Gift. You might be wondering how Gift got his name. It's because in Notting Hill they go in for pretentious names these days (his brothers and sisters are called Square-Root, Proust, Biggleswade, and Beckham). Gift's family have been without a refrigerator for over a week, as they wait for Zanussi to deliver another one. In fact, it was partly their fault, as they first contacted ZANU, by mistake. Although Robert Mugabe was very pleased to hear from them, he was unable to provide a refrigerator.

Robert Mugabe and an unidentified friend discuss the fridge crisis in Islington.

As a result, Gift and his family have been forced to eat out in restaurants every day this week, as the only alternative to living on slightly stale food. CATFOOD is coming to their assistance, and Gift's family will soon have a shiny new fridge.

Did I mention that we are a Catholic organization? No, well we don't want to scare people by bringing religion into everyday life: go to our website and see how long it takes you to find the word "Catholic" on the front page. Still, do keep sending us your money, and we'll make sure it is spent the way we think best.

Givvin to charitty

De storry so far. Bosco have been givven permision to commit one murder, knowin dat it is alreddy forgivven by Farver Arfur, a Cathlic preist in good standin. We is still tryin to geuss who de lucky victtim will be.

Meanwhile Anti Moly and me was just about to tuck into Bosco's nuorishing pie what he made from allmonds and what smelt reely strong, when dere was a knokc on de door.
"If dat's a freind of mine, tell em come to come in," said Anti Moly. "If not, chuck a brick at em."
"You ain't got no freinds, Moly Hun," said Bosco. He calls her Hun sometimes, as she was once enggaged to de Herrman Gorring (she says it was her what broke de rellationship off, but I heard rumors dat in fact he did it cos he fought she was too agressive).

It turned out to be Farver Arfur, who said he was collectin for CAFFOD, de charrity what helps starvin poeple. It used to be quite Cathlic, but dat werent verry poppular, so dey doesnt worry about dat too much now. In fact dey keeps sendin rude letters to de Pop saying dat he's got it all wrong. So we quite likes dem.

Here is a pitcher of Farver Arfur and his freinds from CAFFOD.

"What shuold I give?" I asked Farver Arfur.
"Give what you can, my son," he repplied. I aint reely his son, but he says dat poeple wont beleive he is a preist if he dont say fings like dat.

So I made de grate sacriffice and sent Farver Arfur away carryin Bosco's allmond pie (dem starvin chaps in Affrica is reely gonna enjoy dat). We also gave him a botle of Anti Moly's homemade cacctus gin, what also makes a grate tiolet cleaner. We aint heard any more of him since then.

Which reminds me, in de Calumny Chappel we has put up a statue of St Thommas de Baker. It is made out of a cacctus, so dat poeple like Bosco doesnt kiss it in a fit of abbsent-mindedness. Aint dat cute?