Pope Francis becomes a constitutional monarch

Catholics have the difficult task of reconciling the following two propositions:

1. The Pope is the Vicar of Christ, the successor of St Peter, the big cheese of the Universal Church, and an all-round infallible bloke.

2. Pope Francis spends all his time making a fool of himself, his knowledge of Catholic doctrine is at best hazy, and he has the mindset of a South American dictator.

As a result of the GLORIOUS REVOLUTION OF 2018, the Pope is henceforth a constitutional monarch, whose duties are limited to opening supermarkets, having tea with visiting dignitaries, and carefully avoiding the expression of an opinion on any subject whatsoever.

"And what do YOU do?"

In the end, a Pope limited to purely ceremonial activities (for example, he may offer Mass, but is forbidden to preach a homily) is a lot less trouble all round. "But won't we miss the encyclicals and apostolic exhortations?" you ask. Well, actually, no we won't. We are already bombarded with far too much stuff from popes. Given that Catholic teaching does not and *cannot* change, why do we need more verbose stuff with Latin titles to tell us this?

Ah, you may say, some issues never arose in previous centuries. Do transgender men cause climate change? Is it sinful to eat crocodiles on a Friday? How about crocodile-skin handbags? Should we destroy the Daleks, or would they be saved if they switched to wind power?

A Doctor of the church discusses theology with a leading Jesuit.

Well, there's no point asking the Pope to rule on these issues. Synods don't seem to be the answer, as Cardinal Baldisseri will only rig them. Ho hum, it may be all down to Ignatian discernment (= guesswork) after all.

Anyway, these are minor issues, and can be sorted out, provided that the general policy is conservative, i.e., change nothing.

"Have you come far?"

The Pope will of course be allowed to make a Christmas broadcast, just as his opposite number Queen Elizabeth, the Supreme Governor of the Anglican Church does.

"In January we visited Chile, and I had great pleasure addressing cheering crowds, which in some cases ran into double figures. I had such a good time that I have persuaded my friend Archbishop Scicluna to go there for a little winter break. We have also been making friends with the Chinese, and they tell us that from now on they will save us the trouble of appointing bishops, but simply pick them from the Central Committee of the Communist Party! Why didn't we think of that before? Also I opened a new abortion clinic on the invitation of my good friend Mrs Bonino..."

Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.

Yes, from now on Catholicism makes a lot more sense. And when we get a new Pope, we can go back to the old system.

Evangelii Gaudium

Well, the Pope's new apostolic exhortation, at 48,000 words (roughly twice as long as St Matthew's Gospel), is a little difficult to digest instantly, and so we have decided to let technology come to our aid. By seeing what words and phrases appear - or do not appear - we can determine what is considered important.

Our trained staff undertake a detailed computer analysis.

As a control experiment, let's start with St Matthew's Gospel, which most readers probably know something about. Some of the key phrases that occur are: "I say unto you", "The Kingdom of Heaven" and "The Son of Man" (all more than 30 times), with "the chief priests" coming up behind on about 20. I think we can conclude that the book is about Someone who is keen to put forward a religious message, possibly One with an interest in Heaven. Perhaps at some stage He tangled with some priests. I hope that helps.

Should I have said more about custard?

Turning our computer's attention to Evangelii Gaudium, we see that one phrase that comes up over 20 times is "post synodal apostolic exhortation", but that's mostly in the bibliography, so doesn't really count. "The Church" and "the Gospel" score highly, over 100 times each, so the author clearly thinks these are important (this is a good sign). There is also a fair amount about the Holy Spirit, and over a dozen mentions of "Latin American". Watson, we have here an educated person, possibly of Argentine extraction, who is trying to give some religious guidance.

Father Brown meets the Rev Chesterton.

Let's try one further experiment, with The Innocence of Father Brown by G.K. Chesterton, which is a little longer than Evangelii Gaudium. Although at first sight this appears to be the biography of a Catholic priest, perhaps something like the Confessions of St Augustine, the computer never lies, and it reveals that some of the most popular phrases occurring are "said Father Brown", "said the doctor" and "the front door". These do not indicate that we have a religious text before us, more a collection of anecdotes. Also, the last phrase is a bit of a mystery to us - perhaps it is something to do with the gates of Heaven?

Thus, on a scale of spiritual nourishment, I think it fair to say that Evangelii Gaudium (EG) scores a little lower than St Matthew's Gospel (MG), but a little higher than The Innocence of Father Brown (FB). Let us look for points in common, and points of difference.

Points in common.

All three works show a high respect for the office of priest, and both (MG) and (FB) contain examples of priests who are, well, unsaved. All three discuss salvation in a religious context. None of them seems to accept the possibility of ordaining women to the priesthood, and all three seem to show a rather traditional attitude to sin.

Points of difference

Although all three have a main protagonist who is some sort of religious figure, the hero of (EG) isn't primarily engaged in performing miracles, nor at solving mysteries (although he does refer to a "sense of mystery"). Again, in (MG) we encounter a wide range of characters, from the impressive Peter through to the villainous Judas; likewise, in (FB) we meet a range of heroes and villains, some of whom steal fish knives, and some of whom drop hammers off church towers. There is less action in (EG), although the author does speak of crime in cities, and of fish swimming in polluted rivers: by and large, he disapproves.

Thanks, Eccles!

Givvin to charitty

De storry so far. Bosco have been givven permision to commit one murder, knowin dat it is alreddy forgivven by Farver Arfur, a Cathlic preist in good standin. We is still tryin to geuss who de lucky victtim will be.

Meanwhile Anti Moly and me was just about to tuck into Bosco's nuorishing pie what he made from allmonds and what smelt reely strong, when dere was a knokc on de door.
"If dat's a freind of mine, tell em come to come in," said Anti Moly. "If not, chuck a brick at em."
"You ain't got no freinds, Moly Hun," said Bosco. He calls her Hun sometimes, as she was once enggaged to de Herrman Gorring (she says it was her what broke de rellationship off, but I heard rumors dat in fact he did it cos he fought she was too agressive).

It turned out to be Farver Arfur, who said he was collectin for CAFFOD, de charrity what helps starvin poeple. It used to be quite Cathlic, but dat werent verry poppular, so dey doesnt worry about dat too much now. In fact dey keeps sendin rude letters to de Pop saying dat he's got it all wrong. So we quite likes dem.

Here is a pitcher of Farver Arfur and his freinds from CAFFOD.

"What shuold I give?" I asked Farver Arfur.
"Give what you can, my son," he repplied. I aint reely his son, but he says dat poeple wont beleive he is a preist if he dont say fings like dat.

So I made de grate sacriffice and sent Farver Arfur away carryin Bosco's allmond pie (dem starvin chaps in Affrica is reely gonna enjoy dat). We also gave him a botle of Anti Moly's homemade cacctus gin, what also makes a grate tiolet cleaner. We aint heard any more of him since then.

Which reminds me, in de Calumny Chappel we has put up a statue of St Thommas de Baker. It is made out of a cacctus, so dat poeple like Bosco doesnt kiss it in a fit of abbsent-mindedness. Aint dat cute?