Anglican Church to pay 1 zillion pounds compensation

Justin Welby, Archbishop of Canterbury, announced today that the Anglican Church would finally be compensating the Catholic Church to the extent of 1 zillion pounds for the hardship, damage and looting that took place during the Reformation. He also apologised for the Reformation's "deliberate actions to destroy diverse Catholic religious belief systems" (yes, he really talks like that - I changed only one word).

It's a deal!

It is thought that this money will be used in two ways:

1. To make all people whose ancestors were Catholics rich beyond the dreams of avarice, even though they personally did nothing to deserve it.

2. To bail out the Catholic Church in England so that it can finally build some half-decent churches.

Arthur Roche tucks into a celebratory snack!

Vincent Nichols, Cardinal Archbishop of Westminster, has welcomed the offer but said "In fact we are holding out for 1 squillion pounds, so that all descendants of Catholics can become quite disgustingly rich without doing anything to deserve it. Also, we want decent churches, not half-decent churches."

Not even a half-decent cathedral, unfortunately.

There had been some suggestions that the Catholic Church could take over some of the churches and cathedrals nationalized in the 16th century, but it was pointed out that these are now used mainly for crazy golf, helter-skelters, dinosaur exhibits and discos, and it would be difficult to return them to religious worship.

Peterborough Cathedral (with the tomb of Catherine of Aragon) is now a dinosaur museum.

LATE NEWS: The Lutherans are very sorry about Martin Luther, and they wish they'd chosen to call themselves after someone else.

Sheriff of Nottingham sends palmer into exile

Sherwood Forest, A.D. 1192 (approx.)

Vassals of the Sheriff of Nottingham, Shearer West, have reacted violently to the news that a distinguished palmer, Friar "David" Tuck, is a perfectly normal Catholic, by exiling him as an outlaw. Fr Tuck had been named as chaplain to the Catholic youths in Nottingham by the local bishop, but it came to the attention of the Shearer's serfs that he was actually a serious Catholic, and not too keen on local customs such as abortion and assisted suicide. Apparently, Tuck used social media (tying a note to an arrow and firing it into the chambers of the Shearer) to communicate standard Catholic teaching, and this was badly received.

Rigid Catholics (outlaws).

A spokesman for the Shearer of Nottingham commented, "David the palmer is really quite a merry man, and he is welcome to any views he wishes, as long as he doesn't try to communicate them to others. Why can't he be a devout pilgrim, like Joseph of Afghanithea, currently on a crusade somewhere near the Holy Land? Joseph welcomes the slaughter of innocents, and nobody turns a hair!"

Friends of Friar Tuck have rushed to his defence. "Nottingham welcomes many heathen faiths: there are other Christian chaplains and even Saracen and Jewish chaplains. Most of these slavishly give their pronouns as 'he/him' or 'she/her' to show that they are truly woke," said Robin Hood (he/him). Little John (he/him) and Will Scarlet (also he/him) agreed, but wondered whether firing an arrow into the Shearer of Nottingham's arm might have been an unsuitable use of social media.

All facts verified by 1066 and all that.

Nottingham has a certain track record of harassing Catholics: Maid Marian Rynkiewicz (she/her), a pro-life student, had received her degree a year late because the local clerks objected to her beliefs, although she received a settlement involving bags of gold.

The Bishop of Nottingham (His Lordship/His Lordship) has been asked to nominate another chaplain, one who isn't too serious about the faith, but since no Jesuits will be available for several hundred years, he has refused.

Cardinal Sarah - Dontchahatehim?

Exclusive revelations from Christopher Lambchop of the Tablet.

Tablet readers all know that the Leader of the Opposition to Pope Francis is Cardinal Sarah. In this hatchet job in-depth analysis, I can exclusively reveal some of the things he has been trying to keep secret.

Tina Beattie and Lambchop at a Tablet party.

First, did you know that, despite being called Sarah, he is in fact a MAN? This sexual ambivalence could be the reason why he wants to persecute women by not letting them become priests. What do you think?

I can also reveal that he is BLACK; in fact he comes from the African country of New Guinea (memo: check this). His long opposition to dictators, notably Sékou Touré, has no doubt prepared him well for his current role as leader of the opposition to Pope Francis. He opposes him in "Yes, Minister" style by supporting Pope Francis while secretly undermining him - in fact so secretly that nobody except me even guessed that he has a passionate hatred for the Pope!

"Yes, Holy Father." Sarah undermines Pope Francis's work.

Sarah's connections are sinister in the extreme. The Knights of Columbus bought copies of his book! Gosh, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that other extremists have got copies too - we have had no denials from Damian Thompson, Father Zuhlsdorf, Pope Benedict XVI, Boris Johnson, or Donald Trump, have we? His connections in Africa are also very dubious - could he secretly be a Lefebvrist - perhaps even too extreme for the SSPX? Seems likely, eh?

He's certainly an intelligent man - he studied Scripture in Rome and (unlike Pope Francis) has learned how to read without moving his lips! Too clever for his own good, eh? Francis, being merciful and saintly, refused to exile him to a war zone such as Syria, although he richly deserves that!

Sarah remains extremely loyal to Benedict XVI, unlike most reasonable people, who hated him from the start. Controversy arose in January, when he even dared to co-author a book with him, disregarding Pope Francis's apostolic exhortation Senex Maledictus ("Curse the old man!")

He has this obsession with traditional Catholic teaching - he was the one who put a stop to Pope Francis's attempts to make a "filial correction" of Jesus Christ. He even likes celebrating communion ad orientem (an African term meaning "refusing to grin at the congregation"!)

Arthur Roche wonders how to take advantage when his boss turns his back on him.

Well, Sarah himself is nearly 75 now, and Pope Francis, who works mainly with the cardinal's faithful second-in-command, the bluff no-nonsense Yorkshire test-cricketer Arthur Roche, will want to kick him out of the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments. For he has noticed that Sarah spends much of his time talking about worship and sacraments - which Francis doesn't understand - rather than climate change and migration - which he does.

Good riddance, I say! Clear off, Sally, and take your parallel magisterium with you!

Adapted from The Outsider - another hagiography of Pope Francis, published by Austen and Ivereigh (20p at your nearest jumble sale).