Anglican Church to pay 1 zillion pounds compensation

Justin Welby, Archbishop of Canterbury, announced today that the Anglican Church would finally be compensating the Catholic Church to the extent of 1 zillion pounds for the hardship, damage and looting that took place during the Reformation. He also apologised for the Reformation's "deliberate actions to destroy diverse Catholic religious belief systems" (yes, he really talks like that - I changed only one word).

It's a deal!

It is thought that this money will be used in two ways:

1. To make all people whose ancestors were Catholics rich beyond the dreams of avarice, even though they personally did nothing to deserve it.

2. To bail out the Catholic Church in England so that it can finally build some half-decent churches.

Arthur Roche tucks into a celebratory snack!

Vincent Nichols, Cardinal Archbishop of Westminster, has welcomed the offer but said "In fact we are holding out for 1 squillion pounds, so that all descendants of Catholics can become quite disgustingly rich without doing anything to deserve it. Also, we want decent churches, not half-decent churches."

Not even a half-decent cathedral, unfortunately.

There had been some suggestions that the Catholic Church could take over some of the churches and cathedrals nationalized in the 16th century, but it was pointed out that these are now used mainly for crazy golf, helter-skelters, dinosaur exhibits and discos, and it would be difficult to return them to religious worship.

Peterborough Cathedral (with the tomb of Catherine of Aragon) is now a dinosaur museum.

LATE NEWS: The Lutherans are very sorry about Martin Luther, and they wish they'd chosen to call themselves after someone else.

Anglican Theology expressed through its cathedrals

Many people have asked me, "What is it that Anglicans actually believe? Are they like Catholics, only with more money?" and if you stand outside one of their great cathedrals it is hard to believe that it is not actually Catholic. Indeed, in most cases they were built by Catholics and nationalized in the 16th century. So let us go and see what lies within. A tabernacle? A statue, perhaps of Our Lord or St Mary (or Pachamama?) Not exactly, but these five examples are here to provide spiritual nourishment...

Norwich: How are the mighty fallen! 2 Sam. 1:19

The helter-skelter is an well-known religious artefact, symbolizing man's fallen nature. Kneel in prayer, and watch the Dean whizz past your ears as she (yes, it's that sort of dean) shows how pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall (Prov. 16.18). Oh dear, she seems to have crashed into the wall.

Rochester: But this is a people robbed and spoiled; they are all of them snared in holes. Isa. 4:22.

What can be more sacramental than a game of crazy golf? Like unto the Israelites in the wilderness, you wander to and fro, and it seems that you will never arrive at the land flowing with milk and honey (available at the coffee shop, formerly the Lady Chapel). Many seek to drive but can only putt (all right, I made up that Biblical quotation).

Durham: Abundance of peace so long as the moon endureth. Ps 72:7.

Saints Cuthbert and Bede look benevolently on, as the mighty cathedral of Durham celebrates moon-worship. Whether you are a genuine lunatic (in which case an anthem of Howells is provided), or simply astronomically minded, you cannot fail to be spiritually nourished by the sight of the lunar orb.

Norwich again: Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind. Gen 1:24.

While the dean was in hospital suffering from a compound fracture (see above), her deputy realised that the best way to celebrate God's creation was with Dippy the Plastic Dinosaur. It is true that the Diplodocus is not explicitly mentioned in the Bible, but it was realised that a plastic goat skeleton would not bring in so many tourists save so many souls.

York: Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging. Prov. 20:21.

Well, we charged people an exorbitant fee to enter York Minster, but we really need more money. So a gin and rum festival is certain to bring out one of the true messages of Christianity: after all, did not Jesus turn water into gin and rum at Cana? Oh, by the way, the cathedral is closed to worshippers today, but all boozers, drunkards and alcoholics are welcome!

How to be a Good Pope

Since it is quite likely that two or three of my readers will end up as Pope one day, it would be helpful to give them some advice how to behave themselves. Otherwise, like a certain Argentinian who must remain nameless, they will go down in history as "A Good Man, but a Bad Pope."

Pope Alexander VI. A Bad Man but a Good Pope. Possibly.

O.K. So the conclave is over, and Team Thargoglio (a bunch of dodgy cardinals who really ought to have known better) has managed to get you elected. Choose a papal name appropriate for the dignity of your office: so "Pope Custard" is out, but so are "Pope Judas" and "Pope Pontius", even if these are Biblical names. I suggest you choose a previous pope that you greatly admire (perhaps not Peter, as that would be a bit too cheeky), and become the next in line: Pius XIII, John XXIV, Benedict XVII, according to taste. Or you can choose a saint's name that hasn't been used before, e.g. Pope Bosco, but it is a little eccentric.

The same goes for Pope John Vianney, alias Pope William Hartnell.

Now, popes are supposed to maintain a tradition that goes back two thousand years, so DON'T rush to change things. You may not like red shoes, but wear them, as they have a significance that you may not have been told about. Don't go and live in some weird place where popes have never lived before, e.g. a simple cardboard box in the catacombs beneath the Vatican: it may give you a reputation for humility, but it may also give you a reputation for being difficult.

A humble pope.

Likewise, if the papal chef is offering to cook you a Lobster Thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce, garnished with truffle pâté, brandy, and a fried egg on top, and Spam, then it is very rude to slope off down to "Il Nosho de Sid", the Vatican café, for a plate of pasta. Even if it makes you look like "one of the lads".

"The chap in white - haven't I seen him on the telly?"

Now popes are supposed to be above petty politics, so don't rush to reward your friends, or to punish your enemies. Saying to a distinguished Cardinal, "Look, Ray, we're having a three-week 'bring a heresy' party next October. All your craziest pals are coming - Cupich, Wuerl, Dolan - but you're not invited" is just rude.

This self-help guide needs to broken up into two or more pieces, so I'll stop there. Just remember, Pope Innocent - or whatever - that you are not there to rewrite doctrine, or to push your favourite theory (whether it's climate change, homeopathic medicine, or the belief that the world's economy is being manipulated by dinosaurs from outer space). Stick to Christian teaching wherever possible, OK?

"Could you direct me to the Stock Exchange, please?"

Oh, and DON'T give impromptu interviews to journalists. They're not to be trusted.